Our Friend, The Squid

…number 12 in a series

The Doclopedia #89

Average Joes: Joe Standing Elk, Fishing Guide

Oh yes, my family has been fishing the Thames and it’s tributaries since about 1320…not long after we conquered Britain. Of course, some of my grandfathers (the Cherokees on my mother’s side) went on to fight the war in Austria, where they eventually settled. In fact, I have an Austrian cousin who works on a reservation near Rome. He tries his best to keep the white people healthy and sober, but it’s an uphill battle.

Speaking of Rome, or Italy, there’s some great fishing up in the north country. Of course, with all that coastline, you’d better believe the saltwater angling is incredible. I know some guys who run boats out of Venice, in case you’re interested.

The Homeland? Well sir, that’s where you’ll find the best fishing anywhere. Northern or southern continent, it doesn’t matter, they’re both full of great rivers, streams and lakes that are just packed with fish. I go over a couple of times a year. I’ll show you a few photos of some of the whoppers I caught once we’re done here.

Now let me show you this sweet new rod & reel we just got in. It’ll be great for fishing up in the Lochs.


The Doclopedia #90

Average Joes: Joe Kolchak, Cab Driver

I’m tellin’ ya, Eddie, ya see some friggin’ strange shit on the late shift. The other night, I get commandeered by this FBI agent who tells me to follow some guy who’s on foot…and the guy outruns us! No, I ain’t been smokin’ crack, ya wiseass. I’m tellin’ ya, this mook was hittin’ 60-70 miles an hour and jumpin’ over oncoming cars!

And then there was last Thursday, when I pick up this chick who got into my hack with blond hair, a really big rack and blue eyes…but when she gets out, she has gray eyes, short black punky hair and hardly any tits! Yeah, I know, most dames would have gone from flat & punk to blond and glamorous, but in the space of 20 minutes in the backseat of a cab?

Just last night, I’m heading up 57th street towards the Carlton Hotel and this guy hails me. I pull over and he gets in and tells me to get him to the Zoo and step on it. Says he’ll tip me big. Anyway, I hit the gas and we’re on our way. Yeah yeah, I know the Zoo is closed at night, but I’m thinkin’ this guy might be livin’ nearby in one of them fancy townhouses. Anyhow, this guy is in the back, moanin’ kinda quiet like and every so often he has like a spasm or some shit. By the time we reach the Zoo, he jumps outta the cab and tosses me a handful of twenties. By the time I look up to thank him, all I see is a big shape leapin’ over that 8 foot high fence they got around the place.

I swear, some nights I wonder if I ain’t drivin’ in the Twilight Zone.

The Adventures Of Rabbit-Man

…Rabbit-Man, Rabbit-Man, does whatever a rabbit can!

Hey, y’all, it’s FRIDAY and to celebrate, here are TWO Average Joes! Man, I really spoil you kids.

The Doclopedia #86

Long ago, in a galaxy far far away, there was…Joe.

Average Joes: Joe Lucas, Droid Repairman

Man, that is one banged up K5 unit you’ve got there. What happened to him? Did a Wookie play kickball with him? Yeah, sure, I’ll fix him up. You want the new 6.2 software upgrade while I’m at it? It’ll make the unit much less prone to freezing up during moments of stress.

That? Why, lady, that there is a genuine Corellian P9X “Watchdroid”. See, the Corellian pirates use those little guys to keep an eye out for Imperial types of folks. One of the Emperor’s flunkies comes within visual contact range and the droid sends a message with image to his master, who then either clears out or…arranges a welcome. Don’t see many of the P9X models anymore though. They’ve mostly been replaced by the new P12Z models.

Protocol droids? Oh, man, I hate working on them. They never shut up! Worse, if you shut off their speech function, you get false readings on most of your tests, so you have to let them keep yapping. I’d rather work on Sewer Droids.

The Doclopedia #87

Look, up in the sky, it’s…ooh, look…foot long hot dogs for only a buck! Err, umm…with great power comes great…hunger…is that bratwurst I smell?

Average Joes: Joe Nathan, Hot Dog Cart Operator

The Food Network? Yer kiddin’, right? Yer not? Oh wow, wait’ll Muriel hears about this! Is Alton Brown around here? Boy, I’d sure like to meet him!

My regulars? Oh, I get lots of the heroes, ya know. They stop by for a quick bite. Of course, I get some of the villains, too, but I don’t discriminate. Even bad guys need to eat, right?

What do they like? Well, Spidey, he likes a brat with mustard and relish. How the hell he can eat while hanging upside down, I’ll never know. Batman? He’s a chili dog kinda guy…likes cheese and jalapeños on ’em…usually stops by early in the morning in that hotrod of his…great tipper, too.

For Wolverine, I stock these habanero dogs. Man, he can put away 5 or 6 of them. Me, I’d have heartburn for a month. Now, Sue Storm, she’s just a plain old mustard dog kind of gal, but Reed, he likes his Chicago style.

The Joker? Well, he likes the foot longs with lotsa kraut and maple syrup. Yeah, I know, but hey, if he can choke it down…

All Kids Know About The Toe Eating Monster

…who lives under beds

The Doclopedia #85

Yeah, Joe was average…the kind of average that a smart guy could use…the kind of average that could give a private dick an edge when it came to dealing with tough mugs and hot dames

Average Joes: Joe Hinkley, Barber

Me? Hey, I’m just the guy who gives shaves and haircuts. Yeah, I might hear sometin’ interesting now and then…sometimes some interesting mugs come in. Sell information? Me? Now whatever gave you that idea?

What’s this? A picture of President Jackson? Hey, he’s one of my favorites! I’ll just put him in a place of honor here in my wallet.

So, you say some guy got a hot lead escort to the next life, eh? Up at Griffith Park? Hmmm…seems to me I might have heard a couple of fellas talking about having been up there on the night in question. One of them may have been a large gentleman of Italian ancestry who has a scar on one cheek and walks with a limp. The other guy might have been a weaselly looking little bastard who needs to learn how to tip properly.

Tony the Gimp and Eddie the Mouse? Never heard of ’em? But if I had, I might guess that they tend to spend most nights down at the Bluebird Club on Sepulveda. I hear that it’s a fine establishment that a smart guy might enter through the back door if he wanted to avoid being spotted.

There now, all trimmed up and you look like a million bucks. Another picture of Mr. Jackson? Why, thank you, sir!

Doc Tempest vs The Rain Of Madness

…from the May, 1951 issue

The Doclopedia #84

Arrr, this Joe be a right popular feller among the pirates!

Average Joes: Joe Brown, Tavernkeeper

Here ya go, matey, fresh off the boat from Jamaica today. That there rum’ll put a wind in yer sails fer sure! Just got inta port, eh? Well, ye came at a good time, I reckon.

Oh yeah, it be a tad quiet in here now, but I expect that ’round noon the ships’ll drop anchor and the Council O’ Captains will start their monthly meetin’ over on the Red Lady. That be Captain Irina’s ship, an’ right now she’s the High Captain. They’ll talk on all sortsa matters, includin’ what to do about th’ upcoming alliance between the Spanish and the French.

Ye’ve not heard o’ that? Well, them two countries has gone and decided ta send a small armada out here ta teach us honest pirates a lesson or two. Now normally, that would be a very bad stretch of weather, but I’m hearin’ that the Council has a little surprise fer them French & Spanish dogs. Not sure exactly what it is, but they’ve been sendin’ shiploads of supplies over ta Angelfish Island where that perfesser fella and his mates done set up shop a few years ago. Could have somethin’ to do with them strange tales people been spreadin’ about seein’ lights in th’ sky at night. Whatever ’tis, I’m bettin’ it catches that little armada by surprise.

Anyway, once the Council meetin’ ends, things around here’ll get hoppin’ or I’ll kiss a barnacle!

The Rare And Beautiful And Huggable Giant Yellow Bunnies Of Potawango Island

…I’m gonna hug ’em and squeeze ’em, George.


And now…

The Doclopedia #83

Yippie Ky Ay, Joe’s in the Wild West!

Average Joes: Joe Chang, Bathhouse Proprietor

Yes, yes…you’ve come to the right place for a bath, sir. For only 50 cents, we’ll fix you up a nice hot bath and give you a bar of fancy French milled soap. Very nice! For slightly more, we can give you the extra soft towels, too. A beautiful young lady to share the bath? I’m sorry, sir, but that is beyond our meager offerings. Still, I would suggest that after your bath you visit Miss Becky’s Sporting House, just 3 door down from us.

Yes, sir, I’ve been here quite a number of years. My lack of accent? Well, that comes from being raised right here in Virginia City, by a missionary couple. My parents came here with them as servants after their mission in China was cut short. Unfortunately, my parents died of a fever when I was but a year old. Reverend Harris and his wife raised me as their son.

A drink? Oh, by all means, sir! Here we go, a fine bourbon that a former customer had shipped in from Kentucky. Join you? Why, thank you, sir. Aah, very nice.

That tub on the wall? That’s the tub that the Sunset Kid was in when he was gunned down by Frisco Jim Delaney. Oh, yes sir, it was an exciting night here in Virginia City. It all started when the Kid was over at the Silver Dollar Saloon…