…co-starring her favorite uncle, Duffy Undersnoot
NOTE: For some arcane reason, I lost the post for September 2nd. I have added it here.
The Triumphant Return Of The Doclopedia!
The Doclopedia #1,501
Alt. Zombies: Kaiju Zombies
When Dr. Zuvembie shot off the missile that was supposed to explode over Japan and spawn a worldwide zombie apocalypse, he had no idea that the missile would be swallowed whole by the 300 foot tall kaiju known as Golara. When the missile exploded inside Golara, it hurt him badly. Dying, he swam back to Kaiju Island and died on the beach.
Three hours later he rose up, still the huge force of nature he had always been, but now one of the living dead. One of the hungry for flesh living dead.
Golara attacked several other kaiju, each of whom became a zombie. After killing all of the lesser kaiju, the four largest quickly figured out that the flesh of their own kind was not satisfying their hunger. They wanted brains. Human brains. Human brains that were only a few hundred miles away in Japan.
Four zombie kaiju attacked Japan in less than 12 hours. Golara ravaged coastal cities along the east. Mothru attacked the south. Kammira took the north, and Queen Takora laid waste to the central cities. Over two million humans died that first day.
Seemingly sated by all the brains they had eaten, each kaiju fell into a deep sleep. Desperate to stop them, the United Nations Science Corps attached experimental anti-gravity units to each of the enormous beasts. They switched them on and watched as the kaiju rapidly rose into the air.
Just before leaving the stratosphere, the kaiju woke up. They were helpless to do anything. In fact, Golara’s use of his atomic fire breath only sped up his departure. The three flying kaiju merely spun around helplessly as they drifted higher. By the time they left the atmosphere entirely, the undead behemoths were frozen solid. The anti-gravity units stopped working about a quarter of the way to the moon.
Three weeks later, the frozen undead kaiju drifted back toward Earth and re-entered the atmosphere, where they burned up entirely, except for part of Kammira’s shell, which crashed into the Indian Ocean.
In the four years since, there have not been any new kaiju sightings. The people of Earth are very happy about that. Except for Dr. Zuvembie, who is locked up tight in a secret prison cell somewhere deep under the Sahara desert.
The Doclopedia #1,502
Alt. Zombies: Zombie Pets
When the virus escaped from the secret lab outside of Wuhan, China, it made a few humans sick. Mostly nausea and diarrhea, not too severe. The government breathed a big sigh of relief and blamed the whole thing on some bad pork.
Unfortunately, before they could toss a pig farmer in jail after a show investigation and trial, dogs and cats started to die in large numbers. Worse yet, these same dead animals started to get up and move around within about 15 minutes of dying.
And then they started killing and eating people and the shit hit the fan.
In a rapid response, the government set up a perimeter and told everyone inside to not worry, but to kill any dog or cat they saw. That worked amazingly well, until they found out that making a perimeter to keep dogs and cats in was a whole lot harder than they thought.
Unlike human zombies in fiction, these zombie pets could run and sneak and hunt just about as well as a non-zombie dog or cat. They could also go up to 48 hours without eating human flesh. Do you know how far a dog can travel in 48 hours at a sustained trot and no need to rest because they are dead? The Chinese government puts that figure at around right around 300 miles.
By the end of the first week, there were millions of zombie pets and hundreds of thousands of dead Chinese citizens. The living ones were panicking and fleeing the country, except for those who were taking their anger out on the government. By the time the rest of the world knew all the details, the communist government of China was on the skids.
The zombie pets kept infecting living pets and the plague spread and people died and most of Asia was rapidly being depopulated either by death or rapid departure. At the 6 month mark, the first zombie pets were sighted in Russia. By the 8th month, they were definitely in India. By the one year mark, zombie pets were reported in Easter Europe, Africa, Australia and Brazil.
About 14 months after the first zombie pet attacks, government researchers in the United States announced that they had a vaccine against the zombie virus. Rumors that they had waited as long 4 months to announce it remain unproven, although nobody can argue that the toppling of governments from China to Africa and from Russia to Argentina didn’t help the USA and Europe reshape the world.
Between the vaccine, the killing of dogs and cats and the eventual rotting away of the zombies, within 3 years the zombie pet plague was declared over and nobody could find a zombie cat or dog anywhere.
Except in a very few secret laboratories in North America and Europe.
The Doclopedia #1,503
Alt. Zombies: Zombie Robots
Okay, man, let’s just get one things straight, okay? They aren’t fucking zombies! Zombies are undead biological creatures, like all those fucking dogs and cats that appeared when my parents were in middle school 50 years ago. These robots are afflicted with a rogue strain of nanites that make them look and act strange and dangerous.
Yeah, okay, LIKE zombies. But they aren’t fucking real zombies!
And before you ask, no, nobody knows who created the nanites. We know it wasn’t Russia or China, because they got fucked worse than we did. Same goes for much of the rest of the world that depended upon bot labor. The best guess is that it was a home grown terrorist group working with a similar group in another country, most likely India.
Okay, okay. Anyway, the first ones to show up were a bunch of Klaran Robotics “A” models, mostly A/14s and A/15s. Strictly semi-autonomous worker bee types. Sweepers, grass trimmers, graffiti removers, stuff like that. The first 6 were in D.C., in a suburb. City worker saw these rusty dinged up bots wandering around, so he calls Bot Maintenance and they come pick them up. Probably figured a bunch of rich brats beat the crap out of them, because bot abuse is a thing.
Now, these guys take these bots to their repair facility, which has about 40 other bots, some of them K/30s and the like. Big fuckers, made to collect recycling and pave roads. The important thing here is that they also had three R/3s, fully autonomous, self programing, genius chip analysis bots used by the Departments of Defense, Agriculture and the Treasury. Expensive and highly necessary to all of those departments, as well as all the other departments of the government.
Within 48 hours, every bot in that place was infected and reprogrammed to seek out other bots to infect. They busted out and the rest is history.
It was the autonomous drones that did most of the infecting. They’d fly into a hanger and infect dozens of drones in just a few minutes. Hell, when they hit the main Homeland Security hanger, they infected 780 drones in 20 minutes. From there, bot infections just exploded exponentially.
Rumors that bots were injuring or killing humans or any other bioform were just sensationalist bullshit. Most people knew that because they could see that the bots were just going around touching other bots, then moving on. Most went out of their way to avoing bioforms.
The rest you know. After 4 days, much of the services in the country ground to a halt. No mail delivery, no garbage pickup, no recycling, most government agencies slowed way down, etc, etc. After a month, you could say that and sometimes worse for the rest of the world. Around the world, humans were going back to doing jobs no human had done in 20 years. It was a big step backward.
So now, 5 years on, the world is mostly bot free. The ones up on Luna and Mars never got infected, but down here, you’ll only find functioning bots in the sealed research centers where they are trying to create nanites that can fight the “zombie” nanites. Given that whoever created those is five years ahead of the game, I’m not holding out much hope.
The Doclopedia #1,504
Alt. Zombies: Unzombies
We were never actually dead, you know, not completely. There were portions of us that were still alive. Parts of our brain, for one thing. That’s what made us able to move around and sense the smell of human bodies and see. It’s also why head shots killed us for good.
We also had working stomachs, but they were very small and much more efficient at extracting nutrients. Our musculature was living, but was not very functional for much more than shambling around. We also had a few new organs, very small, that brought in oxygen in place of our lungs.
But yes, about 80 % of our bodies were in a slow state of decay. A very slow state, to be sure, and made slower if we could get some human flesh to eat. The fact that I have not rotted away after 40 years tells you just how slow our decay was.
Eventually, we killed the last humans we could get to, meaning everyone on all the continents and larger islands, except for the very far north and Antarctica. Way too cold there for us. We start freezing much sooner than warm blooded lifeforms do.
Humans on small remote islands were safe, because if we entered salt water, we started to decompose fast and no amount of human flesh would fix it. Of course, we had no intelligence, so using boats was out of the question.
Once the supply of human meat was gone, we just wandered around for a few decades. Amazingly, we were pretty good at not getting destroyed by things like falling off cliffs or getting burned in fires or any of the myriad other ways a zombie could be ended. Of course, the fact that animals steered clear of us helped a lot, too.
Sometimes we would wander about, but often we would just sit down in one place, sometimes for months. I’d tell you it was a boring existence, but I really don’t remember much. It’s a fog.
Then, a few years ago, some zombies began to look different. Less decomposed, more human. They moved with more purpose, and most of that purpose was to get far away from the rest of us. Oddly, none of these, let us call them “Unzombies”, triggered our desire to eat their flesh. I strongly suspect that after decades of no use, our sense of smell was gone.
More and more of these new beings appeared. We regarded them with some dim curiosity, but that was all. I remember that one day, the football stadium I had wandered into with maybe 500 other zombies, was looking nearly empty. There were fewer than 50 of us there. I also had the first tickle of awareness that I was feeling different. It was a week before I noticed that the open and rotting wounds on my arms were gone. A few days later, I knew that I must get away from the zombies.
I walked for several hours before I felt a new sensation. It was thirst. I knelt beside a stream and took my first drink of water in over four decades. A few hours after that, I felt hunger, so I ate some berries and some insects. I was getting more human by the hour. Three days later, I found a human camp. They welcomed me.
Now here I sit, fully human again, talking to you. I have few memories of my time as a zombie, and they are fading fast. I’m told that by the end of the month, I won’t remember anything about that time. As for memories from before that time, they are very few and far between. I seem to remember a house in a place with many other houses like it. Sometimes I get flashes of a woman, sometimes I get flashes of a large hairy dog. None of these have much meaning to me now, with one exception.
I’m pretty sure my name was Dan.
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