What The Fuck, Jeeves?

…the book Wodehouse did not write

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The Doclopedia #2,089

Stuff In My Pockets: A Sonic Screwdriver

I don’t normally carry one of these around, but this one ended up in my back pocket yesterday when I was looking for something in the tool room on the Bus.

We probably have 50 of these things lying around on the bus. Pretty sure we have every style you’ve seen on TV plus 6 or 7 you haven’t. They’re pretty useful, really, but I don’t carry one because I really try to avoid Doctor similarities, for all the good it does me.

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The Doclopedia #2,090

Stuff In My Pockets: A Vial Of Blood

I have no idea where this came from. It was in the watch pocket of these jeans and I found it when I was getting ready to wash laundry. Since I haven’t worn these jeans since we went to Dai ni Tōkyō (Second Tokyo, on Earth 603-C) for the Kaiju Festival, I have no idea whose or what’s blood it is.

It’s red blood, but that doesn’t narrow things down much. It could be from Ancient Rome or maybe one of the villains in Gotham City. Could even be Kaiju blood, I guess. I’ll have Sasha analyze it.

The Totally Labor Free Labor Day Weekend Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Uncle Who Walked In His Sleep

…co-starring her favorite uncle, Duffy Undersnoot

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The Triumphant Return Of The Doclopedia!

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The Doclopedia #1,501

Alt. Zombies: Kaiju Zombies

 

When Dr. Zuvembie shot off the missile that was supposed to explode over Japan and spawn a worldwide zombie apocalypse, he had no idea that the missile would be swallowed whole by the 300 foot tall kaiju known as Golara. When the missile exploded inside Golara, it hurt him badly. Dying, he swam back to Kaiju Island and died on the beach.

Three hours later he rose up, still the huge force of nature he had always been, but now one of the living dead. One of the hungry for flesh living dead.

Golara attacked several other kaiju, each of whom became a zombie. After killing all of the lesser kaiju, the four largest quickly figured out that the flesh of their own kind was not satisfying their hunger. They wanted brains. Human brains. Human brains that were only a few hundred miles away in Japan.

Four zombie kaiju attacked Japan in less than 12 hours. Golara ravaged coastal cities along the east. Mothru attacked the south. Kammira took the north, and Queen Takora laid waste to the central cities. Over two million humans died that first day.

Seemingly sated by all the brains they had eaten, each kaiju fell into a deep sleep. Desperate to stop them, the United Nations Science Corps attached experimental anti-gravity units to each of the enormous beasts. They switched them on and watched as the kaiju rapidly rose into the air.

Just before leaving the stratosphere, the kaiju woke up. They were helpless to do anything. In fact, Golara’s use of his atomic fire breath only sped up his departure. The three flying kaiju merely spun around helplessly as they drifted higher. By the time they left the atmosphere entirely, the undead behemoths were frozen solid. The anti-gravity units stopped working about a quarter of the way to the moon.

Three weeks later, the frozen undead kaiju drifted back toward Earth and re-entered the atmosphere, where they burned up entirely, except for part of Kammira’s shell, which crashed into the Indian Ocean.

In the four years since, there have not been any new kaiju sightings. The people of Earth are very happy about that. Except for Dr. Zuvembie, who is locked up tight in a secret prison cell somewhere deep under the Sahara desert.

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The Doclopedia #1,502

Alt. Zombies: Zombie Pets

 

When the virus escaped from the secret lab outside of Wuhan, China, it made a few humans sick. Mostly nausea and diarrhea, not too severe. The government breathed a big sigh of relief and blamed the whole thing on some bad pork.

Unfortunately, before they could toss a pig farmer in jail after a show investigation and trial, dogs and cats started to die in large numbers. Worse yet, these same dead animals started to get up and move around within about 15 minutes of dying.

And then they started killing and eating people and the shit hit the fan.

In a rapid response, the government set up a perimeter and told everyone inside to not worry, but to kill any dog or cat they saw. That worked amazingly well, until they found out that making a perimeter to keep dogs and cats in was a whole lot harder than they thought.

Unlike human zombies in fiction, these zombie pets could run and sneak and hunt just about as well as a non-zombie dog or cat. They could also go up to 48 hours without eating human flesh. Do you know how far a dog can travel in 48 hours at a sustained trot and no need to rest because they are dead? The Chinese government puts that figure at around right around 300 miles.

By the end of the first week, there were millions of zombie pets and hundreds of thousands of dead Chinese citizens. The living ones were panicking and fleeing the country, except for those who were taking their anger out on the government. By the time the rest of the world knew all the details, the communist government of China was on the skids.

The zombie pets kept infecting living pets and the plague spread and people died and most of Asia was rapidly being depopulated either by death or rapid departure. At the 6 month mark, the first zombie pets were sighted in Russia. By the 8th month, they were definitely in India. By the one year mark, zombie pets were reported in Easter Europe, Africa, Australia and Brazil.

About 14 months after the first zombie pet attacks, government researchers in the United States announced that they had a vaccine against the zombie virus. Rumors that they had waited as long 4 months to announce it remain unproven, although nobody can argue that the toppling of governments from China to Africa and from Russia to Argentina didn’t help the USA and Europe reshape the world.

Between the vaccine, the killing of dogs and cats and the eventual rotting away of the zombies, within 3 years the zombie pet plague was declared over and nobody could find a zombie cat or dog anywhere.

Except in a very few secret laboratories in North America and Europe.

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The Return Of Pete The Wonder Monkey

…he’s back and ready to party in your ear.

CritterCon 12

Trip Day Four: In Which We Enter Oklahoma, Then Texas, Only To Find Both States Full Of Kaiju

I would like to apologize for the brevity of this post, but it has been a very long day. 19 hours long, to be exact. Here’s the short and sweet of it.

We woke up, ate breakfast as we left Dodge City, then everyone except Grace & Sasha suited up in “Giant Mecha Control Suits” so we could go out and fight the hordes of Kaiju that apparently found the Sooner State and the Lone Star State very attractive for destruction.

We fought old favorite and brand new kaiju for 90 minutes before we stopped at “The World Famous Musical House”. Said house was built of reinforced concrete and has holes through it that allegedly make musical sounds when a tornado tears through the area. Since there was tornado, we listened to a recording that was a mix of horn sounds and howling wind. Mostly, it was wind.

Another 2 hours of beating the shit out of kaiju, and getting our asses kicked once, found us deep in Oklahoma at Muller’s Ice Cream Parlor “Home of the Giant Banana Split Challenge”. They set you out this humongous banana split with two gallons of ice cream on it and if one person eats it in an hour, your entire ticket is paid and you get a t-shirt and your picture on the wall. As they set it down in front of me, Cupcake told the server “You are going to see some shit go down now.”

I finished the whole thing in 32 minutes. It was very good.

Back on the bus for 2 hours of napping. When we woke up, we were in Texas and Grace had decided we needed to stop in the center of some little pissant town where a preacher stood on a small stage under a sign saying “There is but one God. Debate me if you think otherwise.” So, Sasha, in her regular dog body, did just that.

The poor old religion pusher and most of the town were struck dumb by a talking dog and when Sasha started up the holograms of her creating life like the ottopuses and the flying monkey and Joyce the giant spider, many of then started to quiver and quake and moan. When she showed herself building the cyborg body for Lucy and later creating Mr. Perkins out of dead body parts, several people screamed. By the time she summoned her own Ottopus arms, her Iron Dog armor and began talking about “Not some puny God, but a glorious world ruling DOG!”, I’m pretty sure the ones who didn’t run shit themselves. It was hella impressive.

A small lunch on the bus and we went back to fighting kaiju, this time 10 versions of Gojira himself. That was brutal, let me tell you.

Then, around 3:30 pm, we got knocked sideways in spacetime by a power surge to one of out Quantum Destabilizers.

Insert here 8 hours of us shifting from Earths 50 to 80 quanta out, most of which seemed to be shitholes run by either Republicans or the Confederacy or the Communists. We did lots of running and fighting. Sasha did a lot of cursing while trying to fix things.

We arrived back here at 3:38 pm two miles down the road from where we blinked out. Everyone was pretty frazzled, but for 3 more hours we stayed alert for any further quantum slippage.

We are now in JimBob’s RV Park and I am the last one to go to bed. Sasha gave everyone some Rejuvenol mixed with Breath of Morpheus and you have never heard such snoring. I’m about to drink mine and fall into bed. Jeeves has said he will have a hearty breakfast ready in the morning.

Good night. More con reportage tomorrow.

 

Destination Sign When We Started: Innsmouth

Destination Sign When We Stopped: Jokertown

QM Radio Station: News Of The Multiverse

The Warm Noodle Event

…it was warm and buttery

 

The Doclopedia #1,156

Dolls: Dollgora

What turned a typical child’s doll into a 300 foot tall city destroying kaiju with laser eyes and acid fog breath? Nobody in Japan has a clue, but when she burst up from below the city, you can bet they tried to find out.

Unfortunately, Dollgora didn’t make researching her easy, what with knocking over buildings and killing thousands with her acid breath. When they sent the military in, the giant doll pretty much took everything they threw at her, then lasered the shit out of them. Makes you wonder why A: the Japanese even bother sending the military up against kaiju, and B: why the hell would anybody join the Japanese military anyway?

Anyway, just about the time Dollgora finishes stomping half of Tokyo into gravel, along comes another kaiju to challenge her to a fight. Japan just cannot catch a break, ya know?

So Dollgora and the other monster, a 250 foot tall chicken that could breath cold out of her mouth and fire explosive eggs out her ass, start duking it out from one end of Japan to the other. After about 4 days of this, the Japanese people are fondly remembering the days of earthquakes, tsunamis and the rare American nuke.

Finally, Dollgora fries the chicken and starts heading for Osaka, unaware that in the last few days, Japanese scientist have discovered how to destroy her. As she was climbing over a mountain, they hit her with some sort of gravity beam that increased her weight about 500 times normal. The doll was crushed into pieces, then those pieces were melted down into plastic slag. Japan was once again safe!

Yeah, right.

The Doclopedia #1,157

Dolls: Beery Babies

OK, pal, right off I gotta give my mother in law credit. She’s the one that knitted the first Beery Baby for me. It kept my hand warm while helping keep my can or bottle of beer cold. And she made it look like a pro wrestler, which was neat.

Anyway, my buddy likes it and asks her to make him one, which she does and he gives her a fiver for her trouble. Before you know it, her and my wife and some aunts are cranking out 10-15 a week for guys here in Chicago.

Well, me and my father in law see the potential in this and we set up a business and get a bunch of gals to knit and pretty soon we’re selling 10,000 Beery Babies a week. We had 102 different ones and pretty soon we added 200 more and then things REALLY took off. When we sold the company, six months before the collecting fad began to fade, we got a cool thirty million bucks for it.

Oh yeah, we still have one of every Beery Baby created. I think they’re in a box out in the garage. Me, I still use that very first one. Of course, now I’m drinking much better beer.

The Positively Amazing, Yet Still Down To Earth, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Giant Jelly Sandwich

…featuring her beautiful cousin, Nelly

 

The Doclopedia #1,026

Girls Just Wanna Have Guns: Olivia Dallas, Monster Slayer

From the biography “Slayer: The Life Of Olivia Dallas”

And of course, there was her famous collection of guns and ammunition, all of which were used to dispatch various creatures ranging from two foot tall goblins to three hundred foot tall kaiju. Some of these weapons (many more are listed in Chapter 8) included…

Her special 7 shot revolvers that were often loaded with silver bullets blessed by the Pope himself. Vampires always thought she was out of ammo after the sixth shot, which explains how she killed Count Dracula even though she was 7 months pregnant.

The extra large, special alloy shotgun that could fire an explosive slug the size of a large shot glass. She used this to kill the Mutant Boar of East Texas. The local folks were speechless when a 6’6” Norwegian American woman from Minnesota asked for a large tow truck to drag the carcass into town.

Her “pet” sub-machine gun, “Dixie”, that could hold three separate clips and switch between then on a voice command. This proved very successful when, as a 19 year old college freshman, she fought off 1,100 cannibal mutants spawned from a toxic waste spill. Later that year, she was crowned “Spring Festival Queen”.

It was with her custom made Winchester-Fugowa rifle (firing genius bullets) that she brought down the Loch Ness Monster. Fortunately, she was able to get out of Scotland before the riots started. She’s still not welcome in the Highlands.

No review of weaponry would be complete without mentioning Olivia’s double barreled shoulder mounted rocket launcher, “Iris”. She used it, firing two shells containing halves of a binary explosive, to blow a huge hole in the crab-like kaiju that was destroying Manila. She then shot two incendiary rounds through the hole, cooking the crab from the inside out.”

Blanco, The Horse Who Knew The Way Home

…because the rider was drunk in the saddle

 

The Doclopedia #1,004

Out In The Woods: Bottomless Pond

No, young one, the pond in the woods is not actually bottomless. It has been measured, long ago, as being 2,540 feet deep. That is near enough to bottomless for most people.

The pond measures half a mile across and a mile and a half long. The shallow edges give way after a few yards to the sheer drop into the depths. It is there that the kaiju lives, down deep and in the dark.

It is a form of tako, this creature, but very large and possessed of strange tentacles that fork into three smaller finger-like tentacles. It is said to be larger than a large house and the tentacles measure 100 feet each. Master Notoro, in his youth, saw it pull itself from the water to feed upon the 16 Bandits of the Yellow Flower. He said that is remained out of the water for nearly an hour. The arrows and swords of the bandits harmed it not.

That was 100 years ago and nobody has gone into those woods since. Unfortunately, our new Emperor refuses to have any portion of our country ceded to a monster, so it will be up to you and your team to vanquish this great beast. Master Kamaichi assures me that this barrel of chemicals are more than enough to irritate the monster out of the lake. After that, you must use all of your skills and tricks to just stay alive.

How to kill it? Well, after some thought and experimenting, I may have a suggestion. Remember that the kaiju is a fresh water creature and a mollusc. Observe now the effect of salt on this freshwater snail…”

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The Doclopedia #1,005

Out In The Woods: The Lost Shrine

I’m tellin’ you, Jake, it’s there, deep in the Volnov Forest. Professor Tardefsky saw it, back on his expedition in ’28. He was maybe a mile away across the valley, but he described it exactly as Roderick Owens did in 1812. Quartz columns, the fountain, the X

shaped steps to the altar…all there.

And so is the Book Of The Old World, I’m sure of it.

So I need a team to go get it and I figured you, Sparky, Delfina and Colin, plus a half dozen or so local thugs. Maybe more, if word of it has gotten to Mandell or Corinikos. I’ve got Ames watching both of them, so we can get a head’s up.

Yeah, we’ll have to sneak in. Stalin has people watching every possible way into the country. Things will get easier on that count once we’re in Siberia, but we’ll still have to watch our asses. Man, I hate the goddamn commies.

What ya got, Jimmy, a telegram? Here’s a dime.

Son of a bitch! It’s from Ames. Both Mandell and Corinikos have started getting expeditions ready! We’ve gotta act fast now. You get Sparky & Colin while I get Delfina. Buy what you need and I’ll see all of you at the airstrip on Long Island at first light tomorrow.

And Jake? Bring plenty of guns & ammo. This will get dirty fast.”

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The Doclopedia #1,006

Out In The Woods: The Strange Tree

You know, we animals don’t expect you humans to have the same levels of sensory ability that we animals have. We understand that your senses of smell & hearing are not at the same levels as ours. But for the love of Gaia, can’t you see what the Strange Tree look like? The huge size of it? The limbs that sway even on the calmest days? The leathery bark that is always damp? The twitching roots? Everything about the tree screams out DANGER! There is a reason the Strange tree is in a clearing, devoid of any animal or plant life…nothing else can live near it for long.

But you humans keep coming here, so deep in the Great Woods, to look at it and try to…well, I have no idea what you are trying to do.

It is not from our world, that tree. It came here from the sky, inside a stone, back just before the first humans crossed over the Great Ice. It took a very long time to break free of the stone and when it did, it took the lifespans of ten bears to germinate.

Once it was a sapling of three summers, it began eating everything it could catch. The roots and limbs would only have to touch a living creature and it would fall dead. Once the dead were nothing but bones, the bones would be pulled beneath the ground by roots. That is why the soil looks as if it were turned by Friend Gopher.

So I am warning you, human, do not approach the Strange Tree. You will die if you do.”