The Warm Noodle Event

…it was warm and buttery

 

The Doclopedia #1,156

Dolls: Dollgora

What turned a typical child’s doll into a 300 foot tall city destroying kaiju with laser eyes and acid fog breath? Nobody in Japan has a clue, but when she burst up from below the city, you can bet they tried to find out.

Unfortunately, Dollgora didn’t make researching her easy, what with knocking over buildings and killing thousands with her acid breath. When they sent the military in, the giant doll pretty much took everything they threw at her, then lasered the shit out of them. Makes you wonder why A: the Japanese even bother sending the military up against kaiju, and B: why the hell would anybody join the Japanese military anyway?

Anyway, just about the time Dollgora finishes stomping half of Tokyo into gravel, along comes another kaiju to challenge her to a fight. Japan just cannot catch a break, ya know?

So Dollgora and the other monster, a 250 foot tall chicken that could breath cold out of her mouth and fire explosive eggs out her ass, start duking it out from one end of Japan to the other. After about 4 days of this, the Japanese people are fondly remembering the days of earthquakes, tsunamis and the rare American nuke.

Finally, Dollgora fries the chicken and starts heading for Osaka, unaware that in the last few days, Japanese scientist have discovered how to destroy her. As she was climbing over a mountain, they hit her with some sort of gravity beam that increased her weight about 500 times normal. The doll was crushed into pieces, then those pieces were melted down into plastic slag. Japan was once again safe!

Yeah, right.

The Doclopedia #1,157

Dolls: Beery Babies

OK, pal, right off I gotta give my mother in law credit. She’s the one that knitted the first Beery Baby for me. It kept my hand warm while helping keep my can or bottle of beer cold. And she made it look like a pro wrestler, which was neat.

Anyway, my buddy likes it and asks her to make him one, which she does and he gives her a fiver for her trouble. Before you know it, her and my wife and some aunts are cranking out 10-15 a week for guys here in Chicago.

Well, me and my father in law see the potential in this and we set up a business and get a bunch of gals to knit and pretty soon we’re selling 10,000 Beery Babies a week. We had 102 different ones and pretty soon we added 200 more and then things REALLY took off. When we sold the company, six months before the collecting fad began to fade, we got a cool thirty million bucks for it.

Oh yeah, we still have one of every Beery Baby created. I think they’re in a box out in the garage. Me, I still use that very first one. Of course, now I’m drinking much better beer.

The Positively Amazing, Yet Still Down To Earth, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Giant Jelly Sandwich

…featuring her beautiful cousin, Nelly

 

The Doclopedia #1,026

Girls Just Wanna Have Guns: Olivia Dallas, Monster Slayer

From the biography “Slayer: The Life Of Olivia Dallas”

And of course, there was her famous collection of guns and ammunition, all of which were used to dispatch various creatures ranging from two foot tall goblins to three hundred foot tall kaiju. Some of these weapons (many more are listed in Chapter 8) included…

Her special 7 shot revolvers that were often loaded with silver bullets blessed by the Pope himself. Vampires always thought she was out of ammo after the sixth shot, which explains how she killed Count Dracula even though she was 7 months pregnant.

The extra large, special alloy shotgun that could fire an explosive slug the size of a large shot glass. She used this to kill the Mutant Boar of East Texas. The local folks were speechless when a 6’6” Norwegian American woman from Minnesota asked for a large tow truck to drag the carcass into town.

Her “pet” sub-machine gun, “Dixie”, that could hold three separate clips and switch between then on a voice command. This proved very successful when, as a 19 year old college freshman, she fought off 1,100 cannibal mutants spawned from a toxic waste spill. Later that year, she was crowned “Spring Festival Queen”.

It was with her custom made Winchester-Fugowa rifle (firing genius bullets) that she brought down the Loch Ness Monster. Fortunately, she was able to get out of Scotland before the riots started. She’s still not welcome in the Highlands.

No review of weaponry would be complete without mentioning Olivia’s double barreled shoulder mounted rocket launcher, “Iris”. She used it, firing two shells containing halves of a binary explosive, to blow a huge hole in the crab-like kaiju that was destroying Manila. She then shot two incendiary rounds through the hole, cooking the crab from the inside out.”

Blanco, The Horse Who Knew The Way Home

…because the rider was drunk in the saddle

 

The Doclopedia #1,004

Out In The Woods: Bottomless Pond

No, young one, the pond in the woods is not actually bottomless. It has been measured, long ago, as being 2,540 feet deep. That is near enough to bottomless for most people.

The pond measures half a mile across and a mile and a half long. The shallow edges give way after a few yards to the sheer drop into the depths. It is there that the kaiju lives, down deep and in the dark.

It is a form of tako, this creature, but very large and possessed of strange tentacles that fork into three smaller finger-like tentacles. It is said to be larger than a large house and the tentacles measure 100 feet each. Master Notoro, in his youth, saw it pull itself from the water to feed upon the 16 Bandits of the Yellow Flower. He said that is remained out of the water for nearly an hour. The arrows and swords of the bandits harmed it not.

That was 100 years ago and nobody has gone into those woods since. Unfortunately, our new Emperor refuses to have any portion of our country ceded to a monster, so it will be up to you and your team to vanquish this great beast. Master Kamaichi assures me that this barrel of chemicals are more than enough to irritate the monster out of the lake. After that, you must use all of your skills and tricks to just stay alive.

How to kill it? Well, after some thought and experimenting, I may have a suggestion. Remember that the kaiju is a fresh water creature and a mollusc. Observe now the effect of salt on this freshwater snail…”

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The Doclopedia #1,005

Out In The Woods: The Lost Shrine

I’m tellin’ you, Jake, it’s there, deep in the Volnov Forest. Professor Tardefsky saw it, back on his expedition in ’28. He was maybe a mile away across the valley, but he described it exactly as Roderick Owens did in 1812. Quartz columns, the fountain, the X

shaped steps to the altar…all there.

And so is the Book Of The Old World, I’m sure of it.

So I need a team to go get it and I figured you, Sparky, Delfina and Colin, plus a half dozen or so local thugs. Maybe more, if word of it has gotten to Mandell or Corinikos. I’ve got Ames watching both of them, so we can get a head’s up.

Yeah, we’ll have to sneak in. Stalin has people watching every possible way into the country. Things will get easier on that count once we’re in Siberia, but we’ll still have to watch our asses. Man, I hate the goddamn commies.

What ya got, Jimmy, a telegram? Here’s a dime.

Son of a bitch! It’s from Ames. Both Mandell and Corinikos have started getting expeditions ready! We’ve gotta act fast now. You get Sparky & Colin while I get Delfina. Buy what you need and I’ll see all of you at the airstrip on Long Island at first light tomorrow.

And Jake? Bring plenty of guns & ammo. This will get dirty fast.”

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The Doclopedia #1,006

Out In The Woods: The Strange Tree

You know, we animals don’t expect you humans to have the same levels of sensory ability that we animals have. We understand that your senses of smell & hearing are not at the same levels as ours. But for the love of Gaia, can’t you see what the Strange Tree look like? The huge size of it? The limbs that sway even on the calmest days? The leathery bark that is always damp? The twitching roots? Everything about the tree screams out DANGER! There is a reason the Strange tree is in a clearing, devoid of any animal or plant life…nothing else can live near it for long.

But you humans keep coming here, so deep in the Great Woods, to look at it and try to…well, I have no idea what you are trying to do.

It is not from our world, that tree. It came here from the sky, inside a stone, back just before the first humans crossed over the Great Ice. It took a very long time to break free of the stone and when it did, it took the lifespans of ten bears to germinate.

Once it was a sapling of three summers, it began eating everything it could catch. The roots and limbs would only have to touch a living creature and it would fall dead. Once the dead were nothing but bones, the bones would be pulled beneath the ground by roots. That is why the soil looks as if it were turned by Friend Gopher.

So I am warning you, human, do not approach the Strange Tree. You will die if you do.”