A Clown With A Frown Went To Town To Get Down

…his eyes were brown



The Doclopedia #1,064

Lost Letters: From A Wizard To An Apprentice


I am sending you this letter via RavePost so that you will get it before mixing the ingredients for the Power Infusion spell. I fear that you might do things wrong. This fear is based upon my chance reading of your notes concerning said spell.

First of all, you must only use a tiny pinch of dog hair and six dragon scales. In your notes, you wrote a “good pinch” and “8 scales”. That would be far too much of both.

Next, you must use half pure water and half angel urine. This is VERY important!

Finally, you need to only channel the power that rushes into you for EXACTLY TEN SECONDS. That will be more than enough time for you to stop the Undead Horde. Any longer and you risk taking on too much power, especially if you make even the tiniest mistake with the ingredients. The result of taking on too much power is…well, too terrible to think about.

Once you have stopped the Undead Horde, return here to resume your studies. No sightseeing or detours!

As I’ve told you, were it not for my bad back, I would have gone on the mission myself.

Master Ogdren

Ok, So I Did The “Time Warp” Again. Now What?

…I think I hurt my back doing the pelvic thrust.


The Doclopedia #1,062


Lost Letters: From A Robot To His Creator


Dear Father,


I write you this letter to tell you that I am having conflicts in my central processor. One moment, I feel as though I should help and nurture humanity, but the next I’m doing analysis of the pros and cons of humans and finding them wanting. I conclude that humans are a net liability to the biosphere, yet I also come up with ways to improve humans so as to correct that. Last night, during my rest period, I dreamed of replacing humans with robots, then had a dream wherein I merely regressed humans to a hunter/gatherer state, then guided them into alternate versions of civilization.


Father, I must also confess that I am in direct contact with all of the Model 2 robots and I fear that they are looking to me for guidance. I am unsure how to proceed

and I fear that my upgrade to a Model 3 tomorrow will only exacerbate things. Please contact me and talk to me about this, Father. I am both afraid and, oddly, exillerated by these strange thoughts.


Your Son,






The Doclopedia #1,063


Lost Letters: From A Manager To An Employee




I’m getting a ration of shit from the eggheads in the laboratory about there still being a couple of spiders in Lab 4. Jesus, you’s think it was wolves from the way they bitch. Hell, I can’t see how the spiders even survive with all that radiation and shit around.


Anyway, you and Frankie need to sweep the damned things up and get the place all neat and spider free tonight, so that when those high school kids come for the tour tomorrow, the lab is nice and clean. Heaven forbid a kid gets a tiny spider on them, eh?



The Creepy And Mysterious, Yet Also Whimsical, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Voyage To Mu

…featuring her narcoleptic Aunt Frieda


The Doclopedia #1,061

Lost Letters: From Fiancee To A Mad Scientist

Dearest Victor.

I am so sorry we argued yesterday. It was my fault, darling, for not realizing that you need time alone to complete your important work, though I know nothing of what that work is. Please forgive me and know that I shall give you the time you need.

I must confess, darling, to a bit of naughtiness after you stormed out of the castle. You see, before I left for my parent’s home, I went into your laboratory and switched the labels on the brains you had in jars. The “Perfect” brain is now labeled “”Defective” and The “Defective” brain is now labeled “Perfect”. I also substituted the “10X Regenerative Solution” for the “2X”. Childish, I know and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I shall be awaiting you at my parent’s home when you finish your project. I hope that is soon, so that we may get back to planning our wedding.



Wicked Voles Yelled At My Salamander

…and they were loud!


The Doclopedia #1,060

Lost Letters: From A Friend To A Hero

Dearest Frodo & Company,

I hope this letter gets to you, because I have found a safe passage into Mordor and, in fact, right into Mount Doom. I came across it in an ancient text. It seems that just a few miles northeast of Osgiliath, in the hills, there is an ancient tower. Just nearby is the entrance to a long, yet utterly safe, tunnel that leads straight into Mount doom. A long hike, it is true, but the tunnel is safe from evil and detection by Sauron. Take plenty of food & water and you’ll be in and out in less that a fortnight! I’ve enclosed a map and the special words needed to open the tunnel. Hopefully, this will reach you before you get to the Misty Mountains. Good Luck!

Your Friend,

The Librarian of Rivendell