The 63 Things You Don’t Want To Stick Up Your Nose

… we could have made the list longer, but we got too grossed out

Amnesia & Magic

Part Fifteen

Try as I might, I can’t get myself moving faster than a very slow and jerky sort of speed. This must be what having a super slow motion palsy must be like. Dak looks scared and dazed, which I figure is how I probably look.

When the green son of a bitch is about fifteen feet in front of the car, he starts ranting about how he’s going to kill us and take the book & ring and rule the world. What the hell is is with Wizards and monologues about what they intend to do to you? Gangsters don’t do it, spies don’t do it, hell, even crooked politicians don’t do it. Only Wizards will stand there for a couple of minutes telling you all about their big plans. It’s a big fat pain in the ass to listen to, but under normal circumstances, it can give you a bit of time to shoot them or escape.

Not today. Today, I’m not going anywhere or shooting anyone. About all I can hope for is that the ring & book protect me.

As it turns out, that’s part of what happens. The Green Man stops talking and throws some of that black lightning at us, a burst of golden energy shoot out of me and from someplace I can’t see, a blast of blue energy comes into the mix. Everything goes mad for a few seconds and then I can think straight and move slowly, despite every muscle in my body feeling like I’ve been worked over by a gang of thugs. Dak is groaning, but seems to be ok.

Honey, on the other hand, looks like she was in a fire. The interior is completely burned

out and smells terrible. As I stagger out of her, I see that the exterior looks even worse. Shit! She was my first brand new car and I really loved her. She cost me three thousand dollars! Ok, now I’m really pissed off. I swear I’ll shoot the next bastard that looks at me wrong.

Unless it’s a dozen FBI bastards with guns pointed right at me.

Despite being pissed off and hurting, I’m not stupid enough to throw down on them, so I hand over Gladys. They don’t ask for the book & ring and I don’t offer them. Dak gets out of the car and an agent frisks him before escorting him over next to me. That agent is Bill. He gives me a stern look and I give him an even sterner one back.

The Feds walk us a couple of hundred yards to three cars that weren’t there when we drove up. I’m thinking some sort of cloaking spell was used. It must have been a doozy to not get detected by the Green Man.

Then J. Edgar Hoover himself steps out of the largest car and I’m wishing I hadn’t given up Gladys. As it is, the only thing keeping me from attacking him with my bare fists is the fact that he isn’t smiling. Well, that and all of the guns.

When he starts speaking, the power hungry little bastard gets right to the point.

Miss Allen, you are under arrest for acts of treason, premeditated murder, failure to report major magical relics and several more charges. You will now lead us to wherever you were headed where you will then hand over the relics you now possess. Be advised that most of these men are highly trained Wizards, as am I, and we will not hesitate in turning our full Power on you…or the boy. Do you understand me?”

I stare him right in the eye and say, “I understand you. How’s the wife?”

That hits a nerve and he puts his red face right up in mine.

When this is all over and I have things under my control, you’ll pay for what you’ve done, bitch.”

I can’t help smiling. “Bitch? Is that the best you can do? Eddie, you really disappoint me.”

For a second, I’m thinking he’s either going to kill me or his head will pop from all that blood rushing into it. As it is, he turns away and tells the agents to put me in a car.

A minute later, we’re back on the road heading for Mount Shasta. A minute after that, I see a white porcupine waving us on. Ten minutes later, a white badger points towards a deer trail and I tell the driver to stop.

We’re damned near at the foot of the mountain and the trail leads up to a cave. We all get out and start walking in silence. Dak is walking between Hoover and some big agent I seem to remember as being named Callahan.

It takes about five minutes to reach the cave mouth, which is about ten feet across and eight feet high. It doesn’t look entirely natural. Parts of it look carved out of the rock, but if it was, it was done a very long time ago.

Just over 5.000 years ago”, says a voice at my side.

After I swallow my heart back into it’s normal position, I turn to face the oldest Elf I’ve ever seen. He’s tall, too, taller than everyone else in the group, which, by the way, has frozen in mid-stride.

Let me guess, “ I say to him, “We’ve got to have a little chat.”