The Tibetan Book Of The Dad

…one of the lesser known works.

 

The Doclopedia #1,148

Magical Masks: The Last Mask You Will Ever Wear

Yes, students, we will indeed be ending this series of lectures with the legendary Death Mask, the last mask you will ever wear. Oh my, I do believe that we have broken the record for faintings. Do count them up, Kilby. I’d like to take the record away from old Gwervenhurst.

Now if you will all compose yourselves, I’ll go on. Yes, this is the real Death Mask, which has kindly agreed to be here today. We thank it for indulging us.

As you all know, the Death Mask seeks out Wizards who are about to die and steals their faces at the moment of death. Given that many of us die in ways that are very sudden and leave no body afterward, the Death Mask has to operate very quickly. Often, there are several Wizards dying at once, which makes the need for alacrity even more pressing. Such was the case 47 years ago when Wizard Sah Javonicus and his friends tried to perfect the Constant Fireball spell that created the crater that now holds Javonicus Lake on our south campus.

The Death Mask was created somewhere in the old Kingdom of Trahappa about 2,500 years ago. As with today, it’s sole purpose was to obtain the faces of every Wizard born, once they were done with them. What? Oh yes, Mr. Kwin, this does extend to those vile Wizards that ascend to lichdom, thus explaining why all of them are so skeletal and ugly.

Where these faces are kept is a mystery that, we are told by the ancient Book Of The End, will only be revealed to the Last Wizard just before all Magick leaves our world. It is rumored…and I stress, RUMORED…that these faces are still alive, though in a deathlike slumber. One wonders what they might have to tell that Last Wizard when finally he meets them.

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Junior Muskrat Gets A Pig

…or did the pig get him? hmmm…

 

The Doclopedia #1,147

Magical Masks: The UnMask

Students, this mask, a very plain affair made of cotton cloth, should only be donned by the bravest of the brave. You see, once this mask is on a face, it shows the wearer as he or she truly is in their heart of hearts. And not just facially, oh no. The entire body might change, and often does. Some examples…

A rather plain and overweight young man put on the mask and those who beheld him were astounded to see him transform into a strong and gentle featured man who fairly radiated kindness and good will.

The former Queen of Barsania put on the mask and was revealed to be a cruel woman filled with hatred. She was very ugly.

The great knight, Sir Gillom of Trant was revealed to be a beautiful young woman. Everyone was taken aback by this, but Sir Gillom burst into tears and cried out “No more the lie!”

And then, years later, I donned the mask. You do not want to know what sort of person had a fat middle aged Scholar/Wizard inside them.

Oh, yes, excellent guess, Miss Plimator, the changes wrought by the mask are permanent.

Flash & Lulu VS The Nazi Death Machine

…starting tonight at 11:59

 

The Doclopedia #1,146

Magical Masks: The iMask

I must state at the outset that I am not convinced that this mask is actually magical. Oh yes, I know that Professors Higgenwacker and Bloomadrog consider it some form of exotic magic, possibly from the area of Hidden Vosh or maybe Upper Thurvessala, but having examined and, yes, even worn the mask, I am convinced that it was created in another reality and is the product of science!

Oh really, do calm down, you nervous chickens! We live with science every day and the thought that it might someday supplant magic in our world is absurd. But even if it did, it might not be such a terrible thing. Heresy, Mr. Avboso? Perhaps, but far more likely just a simple fact. Now do calm down, all of you.

This mask, a plain white thing made in the style of a domino mask and composed of some strange material that is neither metal nor glass, is clearly named on it’s outer surface right next to the small rainbow apple insignia. It can confer vast amounts of information on the wearer. Why, in just the few minutes I wore it, it relayed the local time, temperature, distance I walked, my blood pressure & heart rate, the direction I was facing and offered to allow me to play a game in which I ran a farm. It also played music of a type I have never before heard, but which had a very infectious beat. Truly remarkable. It is a pity that the High Council decided to lock it away in the Tower of Forbidden Magicks. Perhaps one day they might let it be examined more thoroughly.

 

 

New Recipe: Baked Apples, Or, If You Prefer, Baked PCs

…sorry, Linux users, but baked linux boxes just ain’t funny

 

The Doclopedia #1,145

Magical Masks: Spider-Mask

The origin of this mask is totally unknown, although it is rumored that the Sorcerer Supreme might have some insight into it, if one could ask him. Which one can’t, so forget it, students.

The mask in question is a simple cloth affair designed to fully cover the head and extend down a bit towards the upper chest. It seems to have been treated with a waterproofing and has large eye coverings made of a substance that provides mirroring on the outside, yet is quite clear from the inside. Quite remarkable, really. The mask is red with a black spiderweb pattern. It is in all other ways very ordinary.

But should you don this mask, students, you would leave the ordinary behind you, for it grants amazing powers. First off, you would find that you have become very strong…ogre strong, at least. You will also be very tough and as agile & speedy as an elven thief might only dream of being. Like a spider, you will be able to climb up walls and even walk on ceilings! Most amazing of all, you will become possessed of a “danger sense” that warns you of attacks a second before they come! Given your now enhanced speed and agility, this can save your life.

Now, before you all go out hunting for this mask, you must know that using it has a price. You will begin to attract a large and very odd array of enemies, your personal life will be filled with troubles and your family & friends will often become imperiled.

And no, I have not the slightest clue where the mask might be found.

A Watched Plot Never Boils

…a lesson for writers, that

 

The Doclopedia #1,144

Magical Masks: The Mask Of Frankenstein

First off, students, this mask has nothing to do with that unfortunate wretch Victor Frankenstein or his creation. It does, however have everything to do with his cousin, an equally mad wizard by the name of Karl Frankenstein.

Wizard Frankenstein was obsessed with the thought of cheating death. This is a not uncommon thing among wizards, despite the fact that most will live two to three centuries. He consulted all of the usual texts and a good many unusual one, too, but to no avail. He would never reach the level of power necessary to become a lich, the usual method for attaining some degree of immortality.

Still determined to escape death’s embrace, Karl set about transferring his soul into some object that a human might used, and once used, would allow his soul to take control of their body. He decided upon a mask.

For two years, the madman wove dark spells, several requiring human sacrifices. At the end of things, weak and near death, he instructed his apprentices to cut off his face and place it into a specially prepared chemical bath. They did as he instructed them and he died at the moment his face entered the cursed liquid.

A week later, the apprentices removed the mask, for that is what the horrid skin had become, and rinsed it in the blood of three virgins. The mask was beautiful, showing the face of a young man, made of finest leather and decorated with gold, silver and jade. It was so alluring that the eldest apprentice slipped it on. He writhed in pain, unable to scream. A few seconds later the voice of Karl Frankenstein boomed out “I live!” and laughed maniacally. He strutted around, telling his remaining two apprentices how they would all soon move to a better location and pursue darker and more powerful magicks.

But then he removed the mask, which flew from his hand, landing acros the room. Suddenly gasping for breath, the wizard fell to the floor and died. Well, actually, the apprentice’s body died. Karl Frankenstein was back inside the mask, where he learned that evil spells enact a price upon those who cast them.

The curse is that to remain alive, the mask must never be removed. Now, this might seem a simple task, but curses will have their little twists and this one causes the mask to begin itching a year and a day after it is put on. Karl has yet to last more than a month after the itching starts.

And then there is the part about getting the mask found by somebody, so they might put it on. Since Karl often tears it off while in a remote or hidden place, it can lie undiscovered for years or even decades. To date, 215 years after his initial death, the mask has managed to give Karl Frankenstein only 14 years of added life.