The Rocking & Rolling, But Still Pretty Much PG-13 Rated, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The All Night Party

…co-starring her best buddy, Babs Booderbog

The Doclopedia #1,308

Famous Bunnies: Larry

Larry was the companion animal of Captain Ricardo Torres, leader of the first colony on Mars. He was two years old when they left Earth and not quite three when they landed.

By all accounts, Larry was a well behaved bunny and seldom did anything naughty. He often spent his days roaming around Garden Domes 1 & 2 or in the Captain’s office. His best friend was Angus, the tabby cat belonging to Dr. Maxine Yoder.

Then the day came when Gregory Zolvich went mad and threatened to explode a bomb he was wearing in the fully packed dining hall on Christmas Day. Zolvich, a certified genius, had managed to get through the entire vetting process while hiding his insane hatred of the whole Mars colonization effort. The bomb suit he wore was big, bulky and had enough homemade explosive in it to take out half the colony.

As Zolvich stood next to a table ranting and facing the 49 other humans who made up the colony, he did not see Larry and Angus saunter in from Garden Dome 2. As he was demanding a live connection to Earth, he was totally unaware that the two pets had jumped up onto the table and were sitting behind him. Everyone else could see when the bunny, as bunnies have done for decades, began sniffing the wires leading from the detonator in Gregory’s hand to the suit full of explosives. Those who knew bunnies knew what would happen next.

Larry began chewing on the wires.

Many of the humans later said that they were certain they were going to die then. Wanting to save lives as long as possible, Captain Torres yelled “Larry, NO!”

Zolvich spun to swat at Larry, who deftly avoided him. When an angry Angus leaped up, claws and teeth ready, onto the madman’s face, there was no avoiding it. As Technician Pak Joon described it, “it was all ginger fur and blood”. Of course, Zolvich released his deadman switch, but nothing happened. Larry had defused the bomb.

Minutes later, Gregory Zolvich, his face ripped to shreds, was out of his suit and off to the brig. He was later sent back to Earth were he spent the rest of his life in prison.

Lary lived 14 more years, thanks to the lower gravity of Mars. Angus died 5 years after his best friend. Today, in the much larger version of Garden Dome 2, there is a stainless steel statue of Larry and Angus. It is the most visited spot by tourists on the entire planet.

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross

Advertisements

Rocket G-Men! Episode 3: Nazi Lap Dancers!

…I just misread that as Nazi LARP dancers

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,286

The Alphabet: Y is for…

YOW!…was, depending upon who you ask, either a moment of genius in television programming or the worst fuckup in television history. There truly seems to be no middle ground.

In 1969, the ABC television network was a distant 4th in the ratings behind CBS, NBC and the DuMont Network, which folded the next year. It was rumored that in areas where people could only get clear reception of an ABC station, they listened to the radio instead.

Figuring the network had nothing to lose, the guys at the top let young Albert Collier produce a 2 hour comedy/variety show to premier on Sunday nights from 9 to 11. Albert went right to work on it.

The show he created was YOW! And it was described as an “improv comedy/rock concert/topical humor version of an underground comic on television”. The cast was huge, 45 people, many of them hippies and unknown actors. Very often, most of them were stoned or tripping during taping. The show also used animated bits by many underground cartoonists. Many of those clips were crude and far left leaning politically. There were fake commercials and real commercials done live by the aforementioned stoned cast. On any given show, 6 to 8 rock bands would perform. It was the most chaotic thing television had ever seen.

Predictably, young people loved it and older folks hated it. After the first episode, many ABC affiliates in the South and Mid-West refused to show it. In most of the rest of the country, the ABC affiliates could not afford two hours of dead air or a Baptist televangelist, so they ran it. In political arenas from town halls to the U.S. Senate, it was argued that maybe this hippie counterculture show was somehow Un-American. Hearings were held! Speeches were given! Protests happened!

By episode 5, ABC had seen it’s Sunday night ratings skyrocket. People were tuning in just to see what the hubbub was all about. This increase in ratings caused the ABC brass to let Albert Collier do a bunch of promotional bits for the show that he scattered all throughout the rest of ABC’s prime time schedule. These caught people’s notice and gave the network’s entire schedule a boost. ABC moved into the third spot in the ratings and narrowed the gap between it and NBC.

The nationwide ruckus caused by the show reached it’s peak with episode 14, the Christmas episode. That show got complaints from every religious organization in the United States and a few in Canada & Mexico. There were violent clashes between fans of the show and people who hated it. In two cases, the National Guard had to step in. ABC announced that the New Year’s Eve episode would be the last…but it was going to be live and three hours long. The nation held it’s breath.

Knowing which side their bread was buttered on, most sponsors stayed clear of YOW!, but a few brave ones signed on for the final episode. As it turned out, they chose well.

The final show was full of well known actors, musicians, bands, writers, poets and others. Beyond the wildest imaginings of both fans and haters, it was much crazier and outrageous than normal. There were even a few brief moments of nudity by both sexes. At one point, it even showed two men kissing.

It was broadcast live from New York, where it took place in 7 locations around town. The total live audience for the show was around 35,000. The television audience was about 8.5 million, not counting an estimated 2 million more that watched and lied about it. When it was all over, ABC was hit with fines from the FCC, lawsuits by the score and condemnation in churches big and small.

They were also the ratings leader for that night by 3 to 1 over CBS.

In the end, months later, most of the lawsuits were thrown out of court, preachers found new threats to the moral fabric of American Youth and the Supreme Court actually ruled in ABC’s favor versus the FCC. When Fall rolled around, ABC presented a whole slate of shows that were cop dramas, sitcoms, nighttime soap operas, westerns and sci-fi series. But many of them had an edge to them and some of the old YOW! cast showed up in bit parts. ABC moved into 3rd place right behind NBC and stayed there for years.

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,287

The Alphabet: Y is for…

Young Men Of Mars…is a youth service organization that formed in 2024 to do good works in Burroughs, Welles and Bradbury domes. This could be anything from planting trees in parks to putting on pancake breakfasts in honor of the farmers of Robinson dome. They also do a regular show on Marsnet. The show includes everything from man on the street interviews to high school plays to local news.

In 2049, to celebrate their 25th year, the Young Men Of Mars had a statue dedicated to them. You can see it in Carl Sagan Park, right across from the entrance to the zoo.

The Rare And Beautiful Red Spotted Giant Guinea Pig Of Potawango Island

… they’re the size of a cow

The Doclopedia #1,088

The Alphabet: C is for…

Cave Mouth

A Cave Mouth is a living creature that inhabits a cave, then forms into a false cave interior. It makes itself look inviting for animals or sentients to seek shelter in. Once an creature is inside it, it collapses around them and digestion starts. Unless one has access to some magical spell that will injure the Cave Mouth, escape is impossible and death is quick.

In their natural state, Cave Mouths are large gray blobs. The biggest can be the size of a house. Cave Blobs only digest living flesh & bones, so any cave they use is often a good source of items they couldn’t digest, including weapons & armor.

Cliffworld

In the universe of Earth 101, the planet Mars has more than one huge canyon. In fact, it has 5 of them, the largest going down nearly 3 miles and extending more than halfway around the planet. For centuries, Mars has been known as the Scarred Planet. However, people who live on Mars call it Cliffworld.

The 3.5 million people living on Mars make their homes in the sides of these great canyon walls. This is made easy because most of the canyons of Mars are riddled with caves, some up to a half mile wide. The largest cliff city on Mars, New Chicago, has a population of 125,000 and occupies 13 interconnected caves. Most other cities run between 20,000 and 75,000 people.

Transportation between cities is done with airships, although some daring Martians like to travel in the large spidery robots knows as “cliff crawlers”. Such travel is not for the fainthearted.

The most flowing water on Mars is always found at the bottom of the great canyons and it is here that you’ll also find a breathable atmosphere. All of these canyon floors are Planetary Parks and are the first areas to be fully terraformed. The rest of the planet still has a century or so to go before terraforming is complete.

The Journal Of The American Society Of Two Fisted Heroes

…however, it does include several one fisted heroes and one three fisted hero

 

The Doclopedia #956

Alt. Zombies: Cheese Zombies

It all started when the Bigg Cheese Company, largest cheese maker in the world, began using milk from genetically modified cows who were fed genetically modified grains. The thing that triggered the Cheese Zombie bacteria was the addition of a new chemical preservative to their grated Parmesan cheese and to their cheddar cheese mix in their macaroni & cheese dinners. After eating either of these, the bacteria started changing both the cheese and the human who ate it. In about 12 hours, people started dying and then rising up as Cheese Zombies.

At first, Cheese Zombies are mostly human, but besides eating the flesh of the living, they also seek out milk to drink, which increases the amount of living cheese that replaces their rotting flesh. They can also eat cheese to accomplish this, and many of the first Cheese Zombies took off for grocery stores and cheese shops as soon as they rose up.

Wisconsin and California produced the most Cheese Zombies, but the Canadian love for poutine caused many to thrive in that country. You don’t even want to know how bad it was in France & Italy.

Cheese Zombies ravaged the planet until they were finally destroyed by military forces, civilians with homemade flamethrowers, weather conditions and about 80 zillion rats, mice & other rodents.

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #957

Alt. Zombies: Worm Zombies

So everything was going great on Mars before they built that dome over the Carter Caves. It was going to be a tourist attraction for the 3 million citizens of Mars and the expected million more tourists from Earth and other colonies. There would be a theme park, resorts, lakes and, of course, the 1.5 miles of caves. It would be a goldmine!

Now, to be fair, no investigation in the 75 year history of the caves had ever detected life. A bit of water frozen up in the soil, yes, but no life.

Turns out, the worms were living a very slow existence about two feet deeper down than scientists had ever drilled. They were just burrowing through a wet layer of soil eating bacteria, tiny single celled creatures and, on occasion, each other. Everything was going great until humans started warming Mars up.

By the time construction on the Carter Cave Dome started, the Martian surface was, on average, a balmy 42 degrees most of the year and the oxygen content was about that of the peak of Mount Everest on Earth. In this new warmer, more oxygenated soil, the worms grew from an inch long to a whopping four inches and ventured nearer the surface in search of food. When the dome was finished, it was pressurized to an Earth normal atmosphere mix and warmed to 75 degrees. Down in the soil beneath the caves, the worms had a population explosion and grew to a foot long. It probably took them less than a month to eat all of their natural foods, at which point they went looking for other things to eat. Things like human feces and garbage.

Now, although Martian cities and towns have state of the art recycling of all waste products, construction sites in new domes still use garbage bins and porta potties. The Martian worms found their way into these and had a feeding frenzy. They also absorbed human DNA and the DNA from millions of different bacteria. This combined with their own DNA and new generations of mutant worms were born. By the time they infested the first humans, they were quite unlike their original Martian ancestors.

Anyway, you know the rest: 3,000 construction workers and others in the dome were turned into half human/half worm colony zombies. They escaped the dome and were heading to Marsopolis when the government hit them with a Heat Bomb that killed everything in a 30 mile radius and destroyed the dome.

After that incident, you can bet they did a hell of a lot more checking out of any place they consider building a dome.

I’ve Got Your “Loose Cannon” Right Here, Baby!

…be careful with that!

Ok, Gentle Readers, after too long a delay, the final Big Balls post. I won’t be doing any Doclopedia posts between now and my birthday on the 29th, but I do hope to post a few other things.

Oddly, today’s post is actually about big balls.

The Doclopedia #394

Big Balls: Martian Mammoths

Yessir, that’s a group of young bull calves there. We like to get ’em cut before they reach elephant size, otherwise it takes twice as many hands to rope one and hold him down. At this size, they’re about twice as big as a Terran Angus bull and a whole hell of a lot stronger, but once you get ’em down, they lie still easier. Can’t keep ’em down long due to the weight on their lungs, but hell, a good cutter can get in there and have the testicles out in under a minute.

That big one over in the holding pen? That’s Amarillo Shaggy, our top bull. Named after my grandfather’s home town back on Terra. He’s won every prize the Martian Mammoth Breeders have to give. He’s fourteen years old and has sired over 200 offspring. Every one of them has been show quality, too. You get a really good carcass out of them, too. The meat is well marbled and tastes great.

Ok, now here they go on the first one. See how Tommy and Red keep the bull looking at them? That gives Wendy, Julio and Rick time to lasso the front and back legs. Now they’ll bring him down. Alright! That was a good soft takedown. Now Doc Kerry and her helper get in there and do the deed. Let’s time it.

Forty seven seconds! That’s real good. You want to get a closer look? I don’t imagine that you city folk down in Burroughs get to see genuine mountain oysters very often. Yep, I’d say about five pounds each. Oh sure, we eat ’em. Once the cuttin’ is done, Rick and Tommy will slice ’em up and fry ’em and everybody on the ranch will sit down for what we call “Beer, Bread, Balls & Bullshittin’”. You’ll stay for it, right? There ya go! Say, you big city reporters ain’t half as sissified as folks say!

After The Change Came: Series 2

.

Sin And The Too Cute Catgirl

Early yesterday morning, I got a call from Lily about helping her pick out a dress and accessories for her school’s Winter Ball, which will happen tomorrow. Being rather new to both the wearing clothes thing and the dressing up fancy thing, she naturally called Uncle Sin for advice.

Let’s face it, her mom, Grace, is beautiful and all, but not much concerned with wearing the latest fashions. Green Ladies consider a simple toga to be “all dressed up”. Doc, besides being a straight male, has roughly the fashion sense of a goat. Oh sure, on those rare occasions where he has to get dressed up, he can look good, but the other 364 days of the year, it’s t-shirts, jeans and sneakers. Brother Roscoe doesn’t wear clothes, being a dog and all, but if he did, he’s probably be no more fashion conscious than Doc. Grandmothers, aunts & cousins are pretty useless as well, since most of them are gnomes and the rest are other nonhuman races.

But Uncle Sin knows all about how to dress like a lady and look tres hot doing it.

In less than an hour, thanks to Wizard Portals, I had Miss Lily in Paris trying on various dresses. Now, she is a petite girl, 5′ tall, slender and curvy, but not very busty yet. Plus, she has that 3′ long tail and her cat ears up on top of her head. With her long white hair and the much shorter and finer white hair covering the rest of her body (but not her face), I decided that she needed a Little Black Dress.

After three shops and about two dozen dresses, we finally found one by the Mutant designer, Michu. His mutant power allows him to create clothing that is all one piece of material. No seams anywhere! The one we chose was made of a magically created silk material that has tiny sparkly points scattered throughout it that actually produce their own faint light. It looks like she’s wearing the night sky. It’s knee length, with slits to about mid-thigh and I’m sure many young boys will be rendered speechless when they see her in it.

I liked the material so much that I ordered a couple of outfits made from it. They’ll be ready in two months, which will give me time to sell everything I own to pay for them.

Michu quickly adjusted the dress to accommodate Lily’s tail and we then left to go accessorize! Cute little purse with mock pearls and a Bag of Large Capacity enchantment? Check! Darling little high heels to match (with a Comfort Enchantment rather than increased capacity)? Check! Three Diamond ear studs for each ear? Check! Beautiful, but understated diamond necklace? Check!

It’s a good thing that diamonds are cheap now, or Old Yellow Eyes would have pitched a fit. As it was, the cost of the dress merely made his eyes pop out of his head.

Once we had a bit of dinner, we portaled home where she modeled the full outfit for her parents, Roscoe & GiGi, her visiting Aunt Lauren and me. She was just beautiful! I loaned her some of my favorite perfume, “Wild Nights” and so she is all set for the Winter Ball. I’m told that her escort will be a young fellow named Tomas, also 13 years old. I’m sure that having Lily on his arm will more than make up for the interrogation that Doc puts him through before they leave the house.

Oh my, all of this reminds me of my fifth year Spring Formal at Hobart’s School for Young Ladies & Gentlemen all those decades ago. But that’s a story for another day, since I have to go earn some money to pay for those outfits Michu is making.