Land Of 1,000 Dunces

…wait, that wasn’t the song title

CritterCon 11

Trip Day Three (By Janet)

Hello there! I’m Janet and I’m a skunk. I’ll be writing today’s trip report, but first, I’d just like to thank everyone for being so nice and accepting of me. We skunks tend to keep everyone away via our not undeserved reputation, but Doc & Grace and their canine kids have always been nothing but kind and welcoming to me. It was nice to know that their friends were the same sort of people.

(Silky: You are very easy to like, honey.)

(Roxie: She certainly is!)

Now, I tend to be less skilled at writing on my own and more skilled at organization of other folks writing, probably because my day job is working for the Greater Sacramento NHT Council as a Planning Specialist. That means that my report here will look a bit different. I hope you like it.

7:30 am: We all had another marvelous breakfast together. I really love what the kitchen staff can do with a bowl of worms, grubs and wet cat food. I’m going to have to watch my waistline on this trip.

(Roxie: Oh yes, they do know how to do cat food right.)

(Penny: Smoked salmon in my food? Yes please!)


8:30 am: We left San Clemente and drove down the coast about half an hour, then turned east on a paved road that took us up into the hills. After about 8 miles, we turned onto a gravel road that lead us to Tunnel Town.

(Sasha: As roadside attraction town names go, this one was a 5 on the WhatTheFuck-O-Meter.)

It seems that Tunnel Town is an actual small…very small…town entirely inside old tunnel made by the US military back in the 1950’s and early 60s. Then, a man made plague killed most of the population of Russia and rendered 90% of the land there dangerous to human life, so the Cold War ended just after these tunnels were completed.

(Goldie: Pity poor Donald Trump. On this Earth, he had to marry native U.S. Citizens.)

(Silky: Actually, on this Earth, Cheetoface, is doing a 40 to life stretch in the pen for a variety of crimes, but mostly for losing his temper while arguing with his dad and tossing old Fred off a 15 story building.)

(Max: I hear his name in prison is Onyer Knees Bitch.)

 

As seems to be the case in many of these roadside places, the land was bought up by a person with plenty of money and some strange ideas. Her name was Lucille Statsworth and her strangeness was of a religious nature.

(Sasha: And by that you know that she was human.)

Before you know it, she had convinced 267 other people that God was going to come soon and kill everyone living above ground, so they all moved into the tunnels and started up a town. At it’s most populous, the town had almost 900 people living in the 4 miles of 50 foot diameter tunnels. Then in 1988, Lucille died and things fell apart pretty quickly.

Today, there are still 100 people living in Tunnel Town. Most of them are older folks and all of them are very pale. We toured the town, escorted by a 70ish gentleman named Frank. It was an interesting tour and we all bought t-shirts and things before we left.

(Luke: If Dad ever goes crazy, he’ll probably open up “Roadside Souvenir Town”.)

(Daisy: “If”?)

10:00 am: We left Tunnel Town and continued down the freeway to another stop, Starbase 9. This is a 50 acre television and movie set built on land that in our world would be part of the Camp Pendleton Marine Corps Base. On this world, no Russians apparently meant much less money for defense, so the Marine Base is much smaller.

(Sadie: Like, only 100 billion dollars.)


Starbase 9 was built for the original Star Trek series. It has areas that include an alien jungle, a war ravaged city, strange alien ruins and the interiors to both alien and human homes & offices. Of course, it also includes the starbase. The sets have been used in all 4 Star Trek TV series, as well as the 9 Star Trek movies. They have also been used in many other movies and television shows.

(Daisy: It was like a beautiful dream come true!)

(Sasha: She actually drooled on some things.)

(Misty: And she was in her human body when she did it.)

Now, my best friend, Daisy, is a huge Star Trek fan. So are most of the humans and several of the critters in our group. That will explain why we paid $20 each and spent three and a half hours at this stop, including lunch. We all enjoyed it and Daisy & Max spent a whole lot of money on souvenirs and such.

(Max: By the time we left, my wallet was as empty as a treat bag in a dog park.)


2:15: This is when we got to The World Famous Monster Museum. As with many museums such as this, it is in a very large warehouse sort of structure. The entrance fee was $7.50 and most of our group were very excited to see what was inside.

What was inside were statues, and in a few cases preserved bodies, of monsters from nature, myth, legend and entertainment. We went through the Nature’s Monsters area pretty quickly, with three exceptions: the taxidermied body of one of those huge pythons we saw live yesterday (this one 38 feet long), the preserved body of a “very young” Giant Pacific Octopus (it was 24 feet long and would be 5 times that size as an adult), and the skeleton of “the last Dire Wolf” (killed in Siberia in 1670).

(Sasha: That octopus guaranteed that Mom will never go anywhere neat the ocean on this Earth.)

(Luke: Yeah, she’s twitchy tonight and we are 5 miles from the beach.)

(Penny: She’s not the only one. Screw that 125 foot long octopus stuff!)


The Myths & Legends area was actually the largest area in the building, containing statues that represented creatures from dozens of cultures. Some of them were very strange looking.

(Roxie: All told, I give Asia the nod for most bizarre monsters.)


Naturally, the Monsters from Entertainment area was a big favorite. There must been 300 monsters from literature, radio, television and the movies. Between Doc and the rest of the humans, most of them were pretty well known. That section ended at a door that read “This Way To The Big Guys”. Sure enough, on the other side of the door was an outside area with full sized models of everything from King Kong to the ants from “Them” to Godzilla. There was actual squeeing going on.

(Sadie: I’m pretty sure Uncle Doc said “Holy shit!” at least 30 times.)

(Misty: The statue of Mothra was made even more impressive by the statues of two very little women beneath it.)


We spent two and a half hours there and still had to nearly drag away Doc, Daisy, Max and some of the others. Personally, I found it a bit more worrisome that Sasha spent the whole time there taking notes.

(Sasha: It was all grist for the idea mill.)


5:30: At this point, we parked the van at the San Diego KOA campground for the night. We have since had a wonderful Mexican dinner, after which we played board and card games for three hours. We all had fun.

(Luke: Leon ran a short Warhammer minis scenario.)

(Silky: I won our Unfair game.)


Now, it’s time for me to get my beauty rest. Tomorrow, Leon will be doing the trip reporting.

Good night, everyone!

Janet

Destination Sign When We Started: Under The Sea
Destination Sign When We Stopped: Over The Rainbow

QM Radio Station: Old Time Radio Comedy

 

Zany Bullfinches Pestered My Hoopoes

…google it

CatCon 8

Day 2: In which we check out some monsters, the cheekiness of jackrabbits is discussed and Auntie Avis bakes pies.

Day 2 of our trip found us in Kingman, Arizona, where we visited the newly renamed and upgraded “Monsters Of The Desert!” Years ago, desert sculptors with time on their hands built something goofy and big, a kind of octopoid looking alien creature with three eyes. But in the last couple of years, they’ve added 5 new Monsters, so naturally we had to check it out.

(Silky: This was my pick of where to visit, folks.)


One of these monsters looks sort of like a giant praying mantis made out of stainless steel, crushed glass, plaster and about 15 colors of paint. It stands across from two 30 foot tall creatures made of old plastic milk jugs, flattened tin cans and some sort of plastic foam. They look like crazed yetis.

(Daisy: Real yetis are much scarier. Flash & Leon once poked one with a stick It was not amused.)

(Leon: No shit! That damned thing chased us 3 miles! It was wicked pissed off.)

Then there is the winged triceratops creature that uses an old school bus as the basis for it’s body, then added on tons of plumbing fixtures. Finally, there is “Ograntor!”, a 75 foot tall giant ape/ant/platypus thing built out of concrete, steel and what looks like about 6 months worth of the empty booze bottles from Las Vegas.

(Sasha: Hmmm…giant apes…hmmm.)

(Leon: You are crazy, Sasha!)

(Sasha: What part of “mad scientist” confuses you, cathead?)

We wandered around for about 90 minutes, because what the signs along the highway don’t tell you is that while there are only 6 giant monsters, there are over 150 smaller ones scattered about, some no bigger than my fist. Some can move a bit and have motion detectors built in, so they only move when you get close. This startled some of our group.

(Daisy: HAHAHA! One of them scared Sasha so much, she pooped!)

The whole place is surrounded by high chainlink fence, too keep out vandals. Our critters discovered that the local jackrabbits like to hang out just on the other side of the fence. They do not seem to fear human, yowling cats or barking dogs.

(Leon: Open up that fence and we’ll see who’s laughing.)

(Silky: One of those cheeky little bastards peed in front of Sasha and I when we barked at him.)

(Daisy: They called us rude names!)

(Sasha: We’ll see how fuckin’ smug they are when my flying monkeys come for them.)

Before leaving, we stopped off at the concession stand for Desert Monster Dogs, which were delicious foot long hot dogs. I had two with chili. We also drank Monster Shakes, which were both tasty and large.

(Daisy: Oh, baby, those were tasty hot dogs!)

We got back on the bus and dimension hopped over to a Hawaii that never had humans settle there. Most likely, this was because it is a popular place with the Megalodons, Giant Octopi and the Rocs that live up in the mountains and prey upon the Megalodons & Giant Octopi. It’s a peaceful place, if you’re not one of those three species.

(Leon: Humans pick insane places to go! Those Rocs were enormous!)

(Daisy: I know, right? They had like a 400 foot wingspan!)

(Silky: One of them grabbed a 65 foot shark like it was a goldfish!)

(Sasha: Eh, could have been worse. Could have been dragons.)

Anyway, being way too small to eat, we mostly hung out on the beach or wandered around in the bus. It was while wandering through the greenhouse that Avis and Silky found several blueberry bushes loaded with ripe fruit. After picking a bunch of them, Avis told us all that we’d be having blueberry pie for dessert tonight.

(Silky: we may have eaten a pound or so as we were picking.)

Sure enough, when the rest of us came in, the bus was filled with the delicious smell of fresh baked pies. After a dinner of steak, potatoes, spinach and rolls, I got a gallon of French Vanilla ice cream out of the Ice Cream Closet and we had blueberry pie ala mode. Totally yummy! You did well, Auntie Avy.

(Daisy: Auntie Avy, Queen of Pie!)

Once we were all stuffed with pie & ice cream, we got out the dice and I ran Grace, Avis, Spike, Mary, Daisy & Silky through “The Megadungeon of Horrible Doom!” Much fun was had, even when Spike rolled two critical fumbles and fell into a pit full of Snot Goblins.

While we played D&D, Sasha & Leon were playing a new video game called “Assault Of The Robodemons”, which is part RPG, part shooter. Judging from all the yelling, they enjoyed it.

Now it’s time for bed, Gentle Readers. More fun & frivolity tomorrow.

Destination Sign when we started: Mirkwood

Destination Sign when we ended: Camelot

Radio Station of the Day: Duck Rock Live From DuckEarth 5

The Royal Report On Dealing With Dragons

…it’s only one word: DON’T!

 

The Doclopedia #1,180

The Truth About Monsters: Ents

The physical description of Ents that Professor Tolkien gave us in The Lord of the Rings is spot on. These “tree shepherds” are roughly humanoid looking trees themselves. Any sort of tree can be represented, with the deciduous species being the most common.

What the good professor got wrong was how talkative Ents are. They are not the slow and excruciatingly deliberate speakers they were portrayed as. Indeed, most Ents will talk your leg off given half a chance. Depending upon how great a hurry you are in, this can be either good or bad.

Among themselves, Ents speak by rustling their leaves and creaking their branches. With other species, they speak the Common tongue. Ents are also great gossips and a treasure trove of useful information, which is why most other sentients seek them out. The secret to getting the good info is patience. Ents are easily set off on tangents and can take a good long while to get back to the main topic.

Ents are also big on songs and poems, many of which relate events centuries past. You can learn a lot from these, if you have a few hours to spare. It was in fact the Entish story of Old Roughbark and the Great Flood that helped the Adventurers Five find the lost tomb of the Golden Emperor. Of course, the telling of the tale did take nearly 9 hours.

Ents are almost always found in groups of 10-30 in the deepest parts of old growth forests. They are found in every climatic zone that such forests exist. Young Ents, those under a century old, often wander into less dense forests or even lightly wooded areas.

London’s Crawling

…it just sort of “woke up” one day

The Doclopedia #1,135

Monsters Of The Circle Sea: Kul Kuru

Listen, matey, ‘cos I’m gonna tell ye about Kul Kuru, the great beast of the Torangiri Swamps. Them swamps must cover thousands of square miles, with plenty of rivers an’ streams fer large ships an’ small boats to sail up, if’n they be looking for privacy. Plenty of game an’ fruit, too. Good place to take on stores, so long as Kul Kuru don’t get ye.

Now, ol’ Kul Kuru is some sort of huge lizard-man thing. Stands maybe 10 feet tall, has a big mouth full o’ teeth and a tail maybe 7 feet long. That tail can hit like a whip an’ it’ll break a man’s leg for sure. He’s got 4 inch long claws on his hands an’ them’s razor sharp. Slice you up like a roast, they will.

Fer bein’ as big as he is, ol’ Kul Kuru can move real quite like. Most poor bastards don’t even know he’s near ’til he comes tearin’ outta the jungle, an’ by then it’s too late fer ’em. He killed 30 of the 45 men crewin’ the Green Dove in less that 5 minutes. Prob’ly ate most of ’em.

So you listen to me an’ steer clear of them swamps, matey! Now, if you’ll buy me another mug of ale, I’ll tell you about Miri Matol, the sportin’ lady who could breath through her ears.”

A Male Snail With A Pail Of Ale Was In Jail

…and thereby hangs our tale

The Doclopedia #1,134

Monsters Of The Circle Sea: The Great Turtle

Far out to sea, where the waters are deeper than deep, lives the Great Turtle, the largest “monster” on the planet. He (or is it she?) is a full mile long and almost that wide, with a sawtooth looking ridge running the length of the shell. The Great Turtle is a medium green all over and has huge yellow eyes.

While some worship the Great Turtle as a god, most people fear it due to it’s sheer size. The tsunamis it generates just coming to the surface too quickly can reach 10 feet in height. The ones created by it’s wake while swimming along can reach five feet or more.

The Great Turtle does not seem to be sentient, but nobody knows for sure. There are reports of it coming to the aid of ships that have been damaged badly or becalmed. In such cases, any rational sailors will later make a very generous offering by dumping valuables into the sea.

No Say Drugs Just To

…I am SOOOO stoned

Yes, Gentle Readers, I’m starting another “500 Doclopedia Entries in 365 Days” death march. Tune in daily for new high strangeness.

The Doclopedia #1,132

Monsters Of The Circle Sea: The Eye Beast

Nobody knows where the Eye Beast came from, but it has been haunting the Circle Sea

in the area of Albrison Island and the Wargan Fjords for at least the last thousand years. Only the bravest or most insane mariners will sail those waters, which they do to trade with the Wargan barbarians. Those barbarians value steel and will pay handsomely for it. There is money to be made, IF the Eye Beast doesn’t come after you.

The Eye Beast is huge, perhaps 200 feet across and 50 feet tall. It looks like a cloud of foam floating on the ocean surface, but tough foam covered in thousands of eyes. Some of these eyes are three yards across, while others are no bigger than a human eye. Many of them can project rays of heat or madness or other bad things. When the Eye Beast gazes upon your ship, nothing good can come of it.

The eye beast can also extrude tentacles that can grab you and pull you into it’s foamy interior. These tentacles can stretch 100 feet or more with amazing speed. Weapons have no affect on them or any other part of the Eye Beast.

The Eye Beast can move at speeds up to 10 knots, even while going against the wind. Few ships have ever successfully outrun it.

Doc Tempest: The Wall Of Voodoo

…from the May, 1999 issue

 

The Doclopedia #1,131

Monsters Of The Circle Sea: Giant Sea Snakes

If you were to sail 200 miles due south of Black Pig Island, you would find the low and swampy island cluster known as the Snake Islands. It is here that the Giant Sea Snakes come to mate, rear their young and then leave those young to mature. Aside from Fishing Bats, no mammals live on these islands, nor do any ground nesting birds or reptiles. Between the inhospitable nature of the islands and the sea snakes, things will probably stay that way.

A newly hatched Giant Sea Snake is three feet long and about as thick as a broomstick. They grow quickly, fed on small fish and large insects while guarded by both their parents. When, at the age of two months, they reach a length of about seven feet, the parents leave them to fend for themselves.

It takes around a year for the young snakes to reach a length of twenty feet. Only then do they leave the island and go out into open water. They will take another two years to reach their full adult size of fifty feet long and four feet thick.

Giant Sea Snakes are not poisonous, but do have a large mouth full of razor sharp teeth. They are fast and aggressive hunters who will eat nearly anything they can swallow whole, including humanoids. It is not unknown for a Giant Sea Snake to attack a small boat in hopes of knocking a couple of crewmen overboard. Needless to say, most sailors give a wide berth to any snakes they might see.

Giant Sea Snakes live for at least 30 years and are reckoned to be as intelligent as dogs.

Not In This Issue: Cheeseburgers, Skateboards Or Vikings

…maybe next month

 

The Doclopedia #1,120

A Child’s Book Of…: Survival

From the introduction…

Listen up, kid! This book will help you survive out in the world. It’s going to be tough, but if you learn the things in this book, you’ll be able to live and grow up.

You’ve probably been given this book by a nursebot or maybe an older kid. It means that you are 9 or 10 years old and have to leave the dome you’ve been living in and go out into the world. You might be afraid, but you have to do it. The domes were designed to hold only about 300 humans and you need to make room for new babies. Besides, if you can find a safe place to live, you can grow up to kill the crazies and the monsters. Kill enough of them and you’ll make the world a whole lot safer.

You need to remember a few things besides the stuff this book will teach you. Here they are.

1: You’ll leave the dome with a bunch of other kids through one of the 7 tunnels. Once you leave the tunnel, NEVER come back to the dome and STAY IN A GROUP. You will die if you try to go it alone out there.

2: For the first two days, run as fast as you can for as long as you can, stop to rest and eat your food bars, then run some more. By the time you are two days out, there will be fewer crazies or monsters. They like to stay near the domes.

3: DO NOT build a fire until your third night out and ONLY if you are in a pretty safe and sheltered place. Monsters and crazies see fire and know humans are around.

4: DO NOT TRUST ANY ADULTS! Most adults outside are crazies and many that aren’t are bad people. You can only trust adults that live in walled villages, but villages are hard to find.

5: DO NOT eat any plant not listed on your edible plants list.

6: DO NOT trust and robots you might meet. There are very few of them left, but they are all insane killers.

7: STAY OFF THE ROADS!

8: NEVER lose your weapons and take every chance you get to make/find new ones.

9: STAY AWAY FROM THE RUINED CITIES AND TOWN!

10: If you meet up with any dogs, trust them. They will probably help you find a safe place to start a village.

6 Old Men VS The Cows From Mars

…they kicked those bovine asses.

The Doclopedia #1,089

The Alphabet: D is for…

Doom Flowers

Coming out of New York, the Doom Flowers were one of the first all female punk rock bands in the United States. Using only the names of flowers to identify themselves, Lily (guitar, vocals), Rose (guitar, vocals), Violet (bass) & Poppy (drums) played hard edged punk with feminist lyrics. They toured North America twice and Europe once before they mysteriously vanished. Even now, 30 years later, nobody knows what became of them beyond what was said in their note left on the front door of ABC No Rio.

Hey everybody,

We are done with music. Won’t be back ever. Women, fight back!

Doom Flowers

The band left behind their three albums: “Doom Flowers Will Kill You”, “Be A Bitch” and “Doom Flowers Live”.

Dr. Spoone

Dr. Willard Spoone was born in Surrey, England, in 1926. His early life was so ordinary as to be boring, as was his years at university. But after he moved from England to Brazil, things got much more interesting.

While operating a clinic in the Amazon, Dr. Spoone noticed that the people from one village had amazing healing factors. Minor cuts healed almost overnight, broken bones healed perfectly in a week and few of the villagers ever got sick. When asked, the villagers could only say that it was from eating the fruit of a certain very old tree.

Naturally, Dr. Spoone got some of this fruit and ate it. He felt revitalized and collected even more, sure that he could increase the effects. After several days work, he had a highly concentrated liquid, which he drank. The effects were not what he expected.

Within seconds, he was gripped with a madness that caused him to run out into the jungle screaming. As he ran, he grew until he was 15 feet tall and barely human looking. His strength was great, even for his size and he destroyed a large swath of jungle, including the mysterious tree that the fruit had come from.

Eventually, the creature that had been Dr. Spoone made it to a city, where the police and military tried to kill him. Eventually, they used high voltage electricity to stun, but not kill him. He remained stunned for days, but then escaped and made his way to the sea, where he sank below the surface and could not be found.

After that, Dr. Spoone would pop up in different parts of the world, always in a mad rage and always impossible to kill. A few times, he has been stunned, but always comes around later, destroying his holding facility and escaping. Nothing used so far seems able to kill him, but if he ever turns up in a remote area, nuclear weapons might be used.

The Rare And Beautiful Red Spotted Giant Guinea Pig Of Potawango Island

… they’re the size of a cow

The Doclopedia #1,088

The Alphabet: C is for…

Cave Mouth

A Cave Mouth is a living creature that inhabits a cave, then forms into a false cave interior. It makes itself look inviting for animals or sentients to seek shelter in. Once an creature is inside it, it collapses around them and digestion starts. Unless one has access to some magical spell that will injure the Cave Mouth, escape is impossible and death is quick.

In their natural state, Cave Mouths are large gray blobs. The biggest can be the size of a house. Cave Blobs only digest living flesh & bones, so any cave they use is often a good source of items they couldn’t digest, including weapons & armor.

Cliffworld

In the universe of Earth 101, the planet Mars has more than one huge canyon. In fact, it has 5 of them, the largest going down nearly 3 miles and extending more than halfway around the planet. For centuries, Mars has been known as the Scarred Planet. However, people who live on Mars call it Cliffworld.

The 3.5 million people living on Mars make their homes in the sides of these great canyon walls. This is made easy because most of the canyons of Mars are riddled with caves, some up to a half mile wide. The largest cliff city on Mars, New Chicago, has a population of 125,000 and occupies 13 interconnected caves. Most other cities run between 20,000 and 75,000 people.

Transportation between cities is done with airships, although some daring Martians like to travel in the large spidery robots knows as “cliff crawlers”. Such travel is not for the fainthearted.

The most flowing water on Mars is always found at the bottom of the great canyons and it is here that you’ll also find a breathable atmosphere. All of these canyon floors are Planetary Parks and are the first areas to be fully terraformed. The rest of the planet still has a century or so to go before terraforming is complete.

The Positively Amazing, Yet Still Down To Earth, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Giant Jelly Sandwich

…featuring her beautiful cousin, Nelly

 

The Doclopedia #1,026

Girls Just Wanna Have Guns: Olivia Dallas, Monster Slayer

From the biography “Slayer: The Life Of Olivia Dallas”

And of course, there was her famous collection of guns and ammunition, all of which were used to dispatch various creatures ranging from two foot tall goblins to three hundred foot tall kaiju. Some of these weapons (many more are listed in Chapter 8) included…

Her special 7 shot revolvers that were often loaded with silver bullets blessed by the Pope himself. Vampires always thought she was out of ammo after the sixth shot, which explains how she killed Count Dracula even though she was 7 months pregnant.

The extra large, special alloy shotgun that could fire an explosive slug the size of a large shot glass. She used this to kill the Mutant Boar of East Texas. The local folks were speechless when a 6’6” Norwegian American woman from Minnesota asked for a large tow truck to drag the carcass into town.

Her “pet” sub-machine gun, “Dixie”, that could hold three separate clips and switch between then on a voice command. This proved very successful when, as a 19 year old college freshman, she fought off 1,100 cannibal mutants spawned from a toxic waste spill. Later that year, she was crowned “Spring Festival Queen”.

It was with her custom made Winchester-Fugowa rifle (firing genius bullets) that she brought down the Loch Ness Monster. Fortunately, she was able to get out of Scotland before the riots started. She’s still not welcome in the Highlands.

No review of weaponry would be complete without mentioning Olivia’s double barreled shoulder mounted rocket launcher, “Iris”. She used it, firing two shells containing halves of a binary explosive, to blow a huge hole in the crab-like kaiju that was destroying Manila. She then shot two incendiary rounds through the hole, cooking the crab from the inside out.”

It’s All Fun & Games Until Somebody Blinks

…DON’T BLINK! (if you’re not a Doctor Who fan, you won’t get it)

The Doclopedia #428

The Alphabet, Again: M is for…Monster Island

A great many other Earths have a place called Monster Island, but they vary quite a bit as to geography, topography and exactly what kind of “monsters”, if any, you’ll find there. Below, a few examples…

On at least 7 worlds, Monster Island is where the Japanese have managed, with varying degrees of success, to corral Godzilla, Rodan & friends. In our world, this only happens in the movies.

On 3 different fantasy based Earths, Monster Island is the near mythical spawning grounds for all of the rarest, strangest and most deadly forms of monster. On two of them, the island is near 100 miles across and covered with ancient temperate forests. On the third, the island is half that size and mostly mountainous rocky desert.

The CatEarth Monster Island is located way out in the remote South Pacific and is the final home of the dogasaurs, those enormous ancient creatures that died out everywhere else 65 million years ago. The island, measuring 150 miles across and 225 miles long, is mostly a high plateau with forests and prairies. The lowlands surrounding that area are jungles and swamps.

Just to show that “monsters” are in the eye of the beholder, on 4 Zombie Earths, Monster Island is where they have contained the living humans that are so dangerous to zombie society. Oddly, this island would be New Zealand on our world.

On 3 Earths with superheroes, various Monster Islands are prisons for supervillains, killer robots, alien invaders and the like. One of these islands is Cuba, while the other two are volcanic islands in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Finally, on one of the more or less historical worlds where the Age of Piracy is in full swing, Monster Island is located in the Carribean and is the clever hideout of Captain “Black Dan” O’Dell, his crew and their families. There are indeed monsters on this island, huge 15′ foot tall humanoids that look fierce, but are actually kindly vegetarians. Black Dan and his gang discovered them years ago and taught them how to garden, which they do mostly in the islands interior fields. From time to time, some of the monsters will roam the beaches where they can be seen by passing ships, thus scaring away anyone who is too nosy or looking for Black Dan.

The Doclopedia #429

The Alphabet, Again: M is for…Maximum Hank

In the post apocalyptic hell that is North America on Earth 115, the most dangerous man alive is the one called Maximum Hank. Riding a huge carnivorous mutant goat and armed to the teeth with everything from a battleaxe to a shotgun, he is feared by almost everyone.

Maximum Hank does sometimes help the oppressed, but he’s no hero. He expects payment of some sort and woe unto the person who tries to not pay up. It is said that a village once tried to not pay him, so he killed all of the men, enslaved the women for a year and taught the children to be just like him.

Maximum Hank stands 6’3” tall, has long brown hair, a muscular body covered in scars and usually wears chain mail over leather. His goat, Walter, is the size of a draft horse and seems to have a bionic eye.