Zany Bullfinches Pestered My Hoopoes

…google it

CatCon 8

Day 2: In which we check out some monsters, the cheekiness of jackrabbits is discussed and Auntie Avis bakes pies.

Day 2 of our trip found us in Kingman, Arizona, where we visited the newly renamed and upgraded “Monsters Of The Desert!” Years ago, desert sculptors with time on their hands built something goofy and big, a kind of octopoid looking alien creature with three eyes. But in the last couple of years, they’ve added 5 new Monsters, so naturally we had to check it out.

(Silky: This was my pick of where to visit, folks.)


One of these monsters looks sort of like a giant praying mantis made out of stainless steel, crushed glass, plaster and about 15 colors of paint. It stands across from two 30 foot tall creatures made of old plastic milk jugs, flattened tin cans and some sort of plastic foam. They look like crazed yetis.

(Daisy: Real yetis are much scarier. Flash & Leon once poked one with a stick It was not amused.)

(Leon: No shit! That damned thing chased us 3 miles! It was wicked pissed off.)

Then there is the winged triceratops creature that uses an old school bus as the basis for it’s body, then added on tons of plumbing fixtures. Finally, there is “Ograntor!”, a 75 foot tall giant ape/ant/platypus thing built out of concrete, steel and what looks like about 6 months worth of the empty booze bottles from Las Vegas.

(Sasha: Hmmm…giant apes…hmmm.)

(Leon: You are crazy, Sasha!)

(Sasha: What part of “mad scientist” confuses you, cathead?)

We wandered around for about 90 minutes, because what the signs along the highway don’t tell you is that while there are only 6 giant monsters, there are over 150 smaller ones scattered about, some no bigger than my fist. Some can move a bit and have motion detectors built in, so they only move when you get close. This startled some of our group.

(Daisy: HAHAHA! One of them scared Sasha so much, she pooped!)

The whole place is surrounded by high chainlink fence, too keep out vandals. Our critters discovered that the local jackrabbits like to hang out just on the other side of the fence. They do not seem to fear human, yowling cats or barking dogs.

(Leon: Open up that fence and we’ll see who’s laughing.)

(Silky: One of those cheeky little bastards peed in front of Sasha and I when we barked at him.)

(Daisy: They called us rude names!)

(Sasha: We’ll see how fuckin’ smug they are when my flying monkeys come for them.)

Before leaving, we stopped off at the concession stand for Desert Monster Dogs, which were delicious foot long hot dogs. I had two with chili. We also drank Monster Shakes, which were both tasty and large.

(Daisy: Oh, baby, those were tasty hot dogs!)

We got back on the bus and dimension hopped over to a Hawaii that never had humans settle there. Most likely, this was because it is a popular place with the Megalodons, Giant Octopi and the Rocs that live up in the mountains and prey upon the Megalodons & Giant Octopi. It’s a peaceful place, if you’re not one of those three species.

(Leon: Humans pick insane places to go! Those Rocs were enormous!)

(Daisy: I know, right? They had like a 400 foot wingspan!)

(Silky: One of them grabbed a 65 foot shark like it was a goldfish!)

(Sasha: Eh, could have been worse. Could have been dragons.)

Anyway, being way too small to eat, we mostly hung out on the beach or wandered around in the bus. It was while wandering through the greenhouse that Avis and Silky found several blueberry bushes loaded with ripe fruit. After picking a bunch of them, Avis told us all that we’d be having blueberry pie for dessert tonight.

(Silky: we may have eaten a pound or so as we were picking.)

Sure enough, when the rest of us came in, the bus was filled with the delicious smell of fresh baked pies. After a dinner of steak, potatoes, spinach and rolls, I got a gallon of French Vanilla ice cream out of the Ice Cream Closet and we had blueberry pie ala mode. Totally yummy! You did well, Auntie Avy.

(Daisy: Auntie Avy, Queen of Pie!)

Once we were all stuffed with pie & ice cream, we got out the dice and I ran Grace, Avis, Spike, Mary, Daisy & Silky through “The Megadungeon of Horrible Doom!” Much fun was had, even when Spike rolled two critical fumbles and fell into a pit full of Snot Goblins.

While we played D&D, Sasha & Leon were playing a new video game called “Assault Of The Robodemons”, which is part RPG, part shooter. Judging from all the yelling, they enjoyed it.

Now it’s time for bed, Gentle Readers. More fun & frivolity tomorrow.

Destination Sign when we started: Mirkwood

Destination Sign when we ended: Camelot

Radio Station of the Day: Duck Rock Live From DuckEarth 5

Advertisements

The Royal Report On Dealing With Dragons

…it’s only one word: DON’T!

 

The Doclopedia #1,180

The Truth About Monsters: Ents

The physical description of Ents that Professor Tolkien gave us in The Lord of the Rings is spot on. These “tree shepherds” are roughly humanoid looking trees themselves. Any sort of tree can be represented, with the deciduous species being the most common.

What the good professor got wrong was how talkative Ents are. They are not the slow and excruciatingly deliberate speakers they were portrayed as. Indeed, most Ents will talk your leg off given half a chance. Depending upon how great a hurry you are in, this can be either good or bad.

Among themselves, Ents speak by rustling their leaves and creaking their branches. With other species, they speak the Common tongue. Ents are also great gossips and a treasure trove of useful information, which is why most other sentients seek them out. The secret to getting the good info is patience. Ents are easily set off on tangents and can take a good long while to get back to the main topic.

Ents are also big on songs and poems, many of which relate events centuries past. You can learn a lot from these, if you have a few hours to spare. It was in fact the Entish story of Old Roughbark and the Great Flood that helped the Adventurers Five find the lost tomb of the Golden Emperor. Of course, the telling of the tale did take nearly 9 hours.

Ents are almost always found in groups of 10-30 in the deepest parts of old growth forests. They are found in every climatic zone that such forests exist. Young Ents, those under a century old, often wander into less dense forests or even lightly wooded areas.

London’s Crawling

…it just sort of “woke up” one day

 

The Doclopedia #1,135

Monsters Of The Circle Sea: Kul Kuru

Listen, matey, ‘cos I’m gonna tell ye about Kul Kuru, the great beast of the Torangiri Swamps. Them swamps must cover thousands of square miles, with plenty of rivers an’ streams fer large ships an’ small boats to sail up, if’n they be looking for privacy. Plenty of game an’ fruit, too. Good place to take on stores, so long as Kul Kuru don’t get ye.

Now, ol’ Kul Kuru is some sort of huge lizard-man thing. Stands maybe 10 feet tall, has a big mouth full o’ teeth and a tail maybe 7 feet long. That tail can hit like a whip an’ it’ll break a man’s leg for sure. He’s got 4 inch long claws on his hands an’ them’s razor sharp. Slice you up like a roast, they will.

Fer bein’ as big as he is, ol’ Kul Kuru can move real quite like. Most poor bastards don’t even know he’s near ’til he comes tearin’ outta the jungle, an’ by then it’s too late fer ’em. He killed 30 of the 45 men crewin’ the Green Dove in less that 5 minutes. Prob’ly ate most of ’em.

So you listen to me an’ steer clear of them swamps, matey! Now, if you’ll buy me another mug of ale, I’ll tell you about Miri Matol, the sportin’ lady who could breath through her ears.”

 

A Male Snail With A Pail Of Ale Was In Jail

…and thereby hangs our tale

 

The Doclopedia #1,134

Monsters Of The Circle Sea: The Great Turtle

Far out to sea, where the waters are deeper than deep, lives the Great Turtle, the largest “monster” on the planet. He (or is it she?) is a full mile long and almost that wide, with a sawtooth looking ridge running the length of the shell. The Great Turtle is a medium green all over and has huge yellow eyes.

While some worship the Great Turtle as a god, most people fear it due to it’s sheer size. The tsunamis it generates just coming to the surface too quickly can reach 10 feet in height. The ones created by it’s wake while swimming along can reach five feet or more.

The Great Turtle does not seem to be sentient, but nobody knows for sure. There are reports of it coming to the aid of ships that have been damaged badly or becalmed. In such cases, any rational sailors will later make a very generous offering by dumping valuables into the sea.

No Say Drugs Just To

…I am SOOOO stoned

Yes, Gentle Readers, I’m starting another “500 Doclopedia Entries in 365 Days” death march. Tune in daily for new high strangeness.

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,132

Monsters Of The Circle Sea: The Eye Beast

 

Nobody knows where the Eye Beast came from, but it has been haunting the Circle Sea

in the area of Albrison Island and the Wargan Fjords for at least the last thousand years. Only the bravest or most insane mariners will sail those waters, which they do to trade with the Wargan barbarians. Those barbarians value steel and will pay handsomely for it. There is money to be made, IF the Eye Beast doesn’t come after you.

The Eye Beast is huge, perhaps 200 feet across and 50 feet tall. It looks like a cloud of foam floating on the ocean surface, but tough foam covered in thousands of eyes. Some of these eyes are three yards across, while others are no bigger than a human eye. Many of them can project rays of heat or madness or other bad things. When the Eye Beast gazes upon your ship, nothing good can come of it.

The eye beast can also extrude tentacles that can grab you and pull you into it’s foamy interior. These tentacles can stretch 100 feet or more with amazing speed. Weapons have no affect on them or any other part of the Eye Beast.

The Eye Beast can move at speeds up to 10 knots, even while going against the wind. Few ships have ever successfully outrun it.

Doc Tempest: The Wall Of Voodoo

…from the May, 1999 issue

The Doclopedia #1,131

Monsters Of The Circle Sea: Giant Sea Snakes

If you were to sail 200 miles due south of Black Pig Island, you would find the low and swampy island cluster known as the Snake Islands. It is here that the Giant Sea Snakes come to mate, rear their young and then leave those young to mature. Aside from Fishing Bats, no mammals live on these islands, nor do any ground nesting birds or reptiles. Between the inhospitable nature of the islands and the sea snakes, things will probably stay that way.

A newly hatched Giant Sea Snake is three feet long and about as thick as a broomstick. They grow quickly, fed on small fish and large insects while guarded by both their parents. When, at the age of two months, they reach a length of about seven feet, the parents leave them to fend for themselves.

It takes around a year for the young snakes to reach a length of twenty feet. Only then do they leave the island and go out into open water. They will take another two years to reach their full adult size of fifty feet long and four feet thick.

Giant Sea Snakes are not poisonous, but do have a large mouth full of razor sharp teeth. They are fast and aggressive hunters who will eat nearly anything they can swallow whole, including humanoids. It is not unknown for a Giant Sea Snake to attack a small boat in hopes of knocking a couple of crewmen overboard. Needless to say, most sailors give a wide berth to any snakes they might see.

Giant Sea Snakes live for at least 30 years and are reckoned to be as intelligent as dogs.

Not In This Issue: Cheeseburgers, Skateboards Or Vikings

…maybe next month

 

The Doclopedia #1,120

A Child’s Book Of…: Survival

From the introduction…

Listen up, kid! This book will help you survive out in the world. It’s going to be tough, but if you learn the things in this book, you’ll be able to live and grow up.

You’ve probably been given this book by a nursebot or maybe an older kid. It means that you are 9 or 10 years old and have to leave the dome you’ve been living in and go out into the world. You might be afraid, but you have to do it. The domes were designed to hold only about 300 humans and you need to make room for new babies. Besides, if you can find a safe place to live, you can grow up to kill the crazies and the monsters. Kill enough of them and you’ll make the world a whole lot safer.

You need to remember a few things besides the stuff this book will teach you. Here they are.

1: You’ll leave the dome with a bunch of other kids through one of the 7 tunnels. Once you leave the tunnel, NEVER come back to the dome and STAY IN A GROUP. You will die if you try to go it alone out there.

2: For the first two days, run as fast as you can for as long as you can, stop to rest and eat your food bars, then run some more. By the time you are two days out, there will be fewer crazies or monsters. They like to stay near the domes.

3: DO NOT build a fire until your third night out and ONLY if you are in a pretty safe and sheltered place. Monsters and crazies see fire and know humans are around.

4: DO NOT TRUST ANY ADULTS! Most adults outside are crazies and many that aren’t are bad people. You can only trust adults that live in walled villages, but villages are hard to find.

5: DO NOT eat any plant not listed on your edible plants list.

6: DO NOT trust and robots you might meet. There are very few of them left, but they are all insane killers.

7: STAY OFF THE ROADS!

8: NEVER lose your weapons and take every chance you get to make/find new ones.

9: STAY AWAY FROM THE RUINED CITIES AND TOWN!

10: If you meet up with any dogs, trust them. They will probably help you find a safe place to start a village.