Not In This Issue: Cheeseburgers, Skateboards Or Vikings

…maybe next month

 

The Doclopedia #1,120

A Child’s Book Of…: Survival

From the introduction…

Listen up, kid! This book will help you survive out in the world. It’s going to be tough, but if you learn the things in this book, you’ll be able to live and grow up.

You’ve probably been given this book by a nursebot or maybe an older kid. It means that you are 9 or 10 years old and have to leave the dome you’ve been living in and go out into the world. You might be afraid, but you have to do it. The domes were designed to hold only about 300 humans and you need to make room for new babies. Besides, if you can find a safe place to live, you can grow up to kill the crazies and the monsters. Kill enough of them and you’ll make the world a whole lot safer.

You need to remember a few things besides the stuff this book will teach you. Here they are.

1: You’ll leave the dome with a bunch of other kids through one of the 7 tunnels. Once you leave the tunnel, NEVER come back to the dome and STAY IN A GROUP. You will die if you try to go it alone out there.

2: For the first two days, run as fast as you can for as long as you can, stop to rest and eat your food bars, then run some more. By the time you are two days out, there will be fewer crazies or monsters. They like to stay near the domes.

3: DO NOT build a fire until your third night out and ONLY if you are in a pretty safe and sheltered place. Monsters and crazies see fire and know humans are around.

4: DO NOT TRUST ANY ADULTS! Most adults outside are crazies and many that aren’t are bad people. You can only trust adults that live in walled villages, but villages are hard to find.

5: DO NOT eat any plant not listed on your edible plants list.

6: DO NOT trust and robots you might meet. There are very few of them left, but they are all insane killers.

7: STAY OFF THE ROADS!

8: NEVER lose your weapons and take every chance you get to make/find new ones.

9: STAY AWAY FROM THE RUINED CITIES AND TOWN!

10: If you meet up with any dogs, trust them. They will probably help you find a safe place to start a village.

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6 Old Men VS The Cows From Mars

…they kicked those bovine asses.

The Doclopedia #1,089

The Alphabet: D is for…

Doom Flowers

Coming out of New York, the Doom Flowers were one of the first all female punk rock bands in the United States. Using only the names of flowers to identify themselves, Lily (guitar, vocals), Rose (guitar, vocals), Violet (bass) & Poppy (drums) played hard edged punk with feminist lyrics. They toured North America twice and Europe once before they mysteriously vanished. Even now, 30 years later, nobody knows what became of them beyond what was said in their note left on the front door of ABC No Rio.

Hey everybody,

We are done with music. Won’t be back ever. Women, fight back!

Doom Flowers

The band left behind their three albums: “Doom Flowers Will Kill You”, “Be A Bitch” and “Doom Flowers Live”.

Dr. Spoone

Dr. Willard Spoone was born in Surrey, England, in 1926. His early life was so ordinary as to be boring, as was his years at university. But after he moved from England to Brazil, things got much more interesting.

While operating a clinic in the Amazon, Dr. Spoone noticed that the people from one village had amazing healing factors. Minor cuts healed almost overnight, broken bones healed perfectly in a week and few of the villagers ever got sick. When asked, the villagers could only say that it was from eating the fruit of a certain very old tree.

Naturally, Dr. Spoone got some of this fruit and ate it. He felt revitalized and collected even more, sure that he could increase the effects. After several days work, he had a highly concentrated liquid, which he drank. The effects were not what he expected.

Within seconds, he was gripped with a madness that caused him to run out into the jungle screaming. As he ran, he grew until he was 15 feet tall and barely human looking. His strength was great, even for his size and he destroyed a large swath of jungle, including the mysterious tree that the fruit had come from.

Eventually, the creature that had been Dr. Spoone made it to a city, where the police and military tried to kill him. Eventually, they used high voltage electricity to stun, but not kill him. He remained stunned for days, but then escaped and made his way to the sea, where he sank below the surface and could not be found.

After that, Dr. Spoone would pop up in different parts of the world, always in a mad rage and always impossible to kill. A few times, he has been stunned, but always comes around later, destroying his holding facility and escaping. Nothing used so far seems able to kill him, but if he ever turns up in a remote area, nuclear weapons might be used.

The Rare And Beautiful Red Spotted Giant Guinea Pig Of Potawango Island

… they’re the size of a cow

The Doclopedia #1,088

The Alphabet: C is for…

Cave Mouth

A Cave Mouth is a living creature that inhabits a cave, then forms into a false cave interior. It makes itself look inviting for animals or sentients to seek shelter in. Once an creature is inside it, it collapses around them and digestion starts. Unless one has access to some magical spell that will injure the Cave Mouth, escape is impossible and death is quick.

In their natural state, Cave Mouths are large gray blobs. The biggest can be the size of a house. Cave Blobs only digest living flesh & bones, so any cave they use is often a good source of items they couldn’t digest, including weapons & armor.

Cliffworld

In the universe of Earth 101, the planet Mars has more than one huge canyon. In fact, it has 5 of them, the largest going down nearly 3 miles and extending more than halfway around the planet. For centuries, Mars has been known as the Scarred Planet. However, people who live on Mars call it Cliffworld.

The 3.5 million people living on Mars make their homes in the sides of these great canyon walls. This is made easy because most of the canyons of Mars are riddled with caves, some up to a half mile wide. The largest cliff city on Mars, New Chicago, has a population of 125,000 and occupies 13 interconnected caves. Most other cities run between 20,000 and 75,000 people.

Transportation between cities is done with airships, although some daring Martians like to travel in the large spidery robots knows as “cliff crawlers”. Such travel is not for the fainthearted.

The most flowing water on Mars is always found at the bottom of the great canyons and it is here that you’ll also find a breathable atmosphere. All of these canyon floors are Planetary Parks and are the first areas to be fully terraformed. The rest of the planet still has a century or so to go before terraforming is complete.

The Positively Amazing, Yet Still Down To Earth, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Giant Jelly Sandwich

…featuring her beautiful cousin, Nelly

 

The Doclopedia #1,026

Girls Just Wanna Have Guns: Olivia Dallas, Monster Slayer

From the biography “Slayer: The Life Of Olivia Dallas”

And of course, there was her famous collection of guns and ammunition, all of which were used to dispatch various creatures ranging from two foot tall goblins to three hundred foot tall kaiju. Some of these weapons (many more are listed in Chapter 8) included…

Her special 7 shot revolvers that were often loaded with silver bullets blessed by the Pope himself. Vampires always thought she was out of ammo after the sixth shot, which explains how she killed Count Dracula even though she was 7 months pregnant.

The extra large, special alloy shotgun that could fire an explosive slug the size of a large shot glass. She used this to kill the Mutant Boar of East Texas. The local folks were speechless when a 6’6” Norwegian American woman from Minnesota asked for a large tow truck to drag the carcass into town.

Her “pet” sub-machine gun, “Dixie”, that could hold three separate clips and switch between then on a voice command. This proved very successful when, as a 19 year old college freshman, she fought off 1,100 cannibal mutants spawned from a toxic waste spill. Later that year, she was crowned “Spring Festival Queen”.

It was with her custom made Winchester-Fugowa rifle (firing genius bullets) that she brought down the Loch Ness Monster. Fortunately, she was able to get out of Scotland before the riots started. She’s still not welcome in the Highlands.

No review of weaponry would be complete without mentioning Olivia’s double barreled shoulder mounted rocket launcher, “Iris”. She used it, firing two shells containing halves of a binary explosive, to blow a huge hole in the crab-like kaiju that was destroying Manila. She then shot two incendiary rounds through the hole, cooking the crab from the inside out.”

It’s All Fun & Games Until Somebody Blinks

…DON’T BLINK! (if you’re not a Doctor Who fan, you won’t get it)

The Doclopedia #428

The Alphabet, Again: M is for…Monster Island

A great many other Earths have a place called Monster Island, but they vary quite a bit as to geography, topography and exactly what kind of “monsters”, if any, you’ll find there. Below, a few examples…

On at least 7 worlds, Monster Island is where the Japanese have managed, with varying degrees of success, to corral Godzilla, Rodan & friends. In our world, this only happens in the movies.

On 3 different fantasy based Earths, Monster Island is the near mythical spawning grounds for all of the rarest, strangest and most deadly forms of monster. On two of them, the island is near 100 miles across and covered with ancient temperate forests. On the third, the island is half that size and mostly mountainous rocky desert.

The CatEarth Monster Island is located way out in the remote South Pacific and is the final home of the dogasaurs, those enormous ancient creatures that died out everywhere else 65 million years ago. The island, measuring 150 miles across and 225 miles long, is mostly a high plateau with forests and prairies. The lowlands surrounding that area are jungles and swamps.

Just to show that “monsters” are in the eye of the beholder, on 4 Zombie Earths, Monster Island is where they have contained the living humans that are so dangerous to zombie society. Oddly, this island would be New Zealand on our world.

On 3 Earths with superheroes, various Monster Islands are prisons for supervillains, killer robots, alien invaders and the like. One of these islands is Cuba, while the other two are volcanic islands in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Finally, on one of the more or less historical worlds where the Age of Piracy is in full swing, Monster Island is located in the Carribean and is the clever hideout of Captain “Black Dan” O’Dell, his crew and their families. There are indeed monsters on this island, huge 15′ foot tall humanoids that look fierce, but are actually kindly vegetarians. Black Dan and his gang discovered them years ago and taught them how to garden, which they do mostly in the islands interior fields. From time to time, some of the monsters will roam the beaches where they can be seen by passing ships, thus scaring away anyone who is too nosy or looking for Black Dan.

The Doclopedia #429

The Alphabet, Again: M is for…Maximum Hank

In the post apocalyptic hell that is North America on Earth 115, the most dangerous man alive is the one called Maximum Hank. Riding a huge carnivorous mutant goat and armed to the teeth with everything from a battleaxe to a shotgun, he is feared by almost everyone.

Maximum Hank does sometimes help the oppressed, but he’s no hero. He expects payment of some sort and woe unto the person who tries to not pay up. It is said that a village once tried to not pay him, so he killed all of the men, enslaved the women for a year and taught the children to be just like him.

Maximum Hank stands 6’3” tall, has long brown hair, a muscular body covered in scars and usually wears chain mail over leather. His goat, Walter, is the size of a draft horse and seems to have a bionic eye.