The Madcap, Yet Lustily Romantic, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Magical Treehouse

…co-starring her Uncle Olaf, who only has one leg

 

The Doclopedia #1,170

Murder By…: Chocolate Scorpions

In that other world, the one all children know about, but teenagers can barely remember and adults can’t even think of (until they get really old, but that’s when childhood returns anyway), there was a really evil Evil Wizard called the Upside Down Wizard, because, you know, his whole castle was upside down and everything in it was now on the ceiling which should have been the floor but people in the castle just acted normal.

Anyway, the Upside Down Wizard was not nice and he spent all of his time casting spells that gave people zits or made their cheese extra stinky or caused Garbage Trolls to run through town. This one time, he even made it rain dog poop on the town square! He was a bad person!

Well, Sir Teddy Bear heard about that and he decided to go teach that wizard a lesson. But when he got to the Upside Down Castle, he couldn’t get in because there was a Super Strong Magical Force Field around it. That really sucked!

So Sir Teddy Bear sent for the Roly Poly Wizard, the Frizzy Haired Wizard and the Dog Wizard and told them that they needed to find a way to kill the evil wizard before he could summon a bunch of Poop Demons or Giant Snakes or a really humongous spider or something. The three wizards started talking and talking, trying to figure out what to do.

Well, the Dog Wizard remembered that the Upside Down Wizard LOVED chocolate, so he tossed a chocolate bar at the force field and it went right in! Then the Roly Poly Wizard made a bunch of chocolate scorpions about the size of cats and the Frizzy Haired Wizard made them really fast and the Dog Wizard made them poisonous and then they told the scorpions to go kill the Upside Down Wizard.

There was a big fight inside the Upside Down Castle and lots of people ran out, but in the end, the Chocolate Scorpions killed the evil Upside Down Wizard. I think maybe they ate him, too. After that, the three wizards made the Chocolate Scorpions be nice and now kids can play with them and stuff.

It’s Raining Cats & Blogs!

…I wasn’t even trying on that one.

The Doclopedia #1,169

Murder By…: Monotony

I dunno, Captain, was it really suicide? I mean, sure, he shot himself in front of six co-workers, but I wonder. See, by asking around, we found out that he had formerly been one of the brightest and most creative guys in the advertising department at Amalgamated Widgets. Earned lots of dough, took vacations, all that. Then something happened and he’s down working on the widget packing line 10 hours a day. Six days a week for a couple bucks over minimum wage.

I had Nomura check him out and it seems he had some big financial setbacks about a year ago. According to rumors in the typing pool, that was right about the time he ended an affair with the wife of the big boss, J. Albert Wiggins. Witnesses say that just about the time his financial shit hit the fan, he gets called into the office and fired, then offered a job on the line, which he took.

Now, you’d think a guy like that could get another advertising job in a blink, but that wasn’t happening. Seems old man Wiggins made sure that the victim’s name went on a blacklist. It also seems that most of our victim’s debt was held by Overland Bank, which is owned in part by J. Albert Wiggins.

So I’m thinking that Wiggins forced him onto that mind numbingly boring job knowing that it would push him over the edge. Think about it. A brilliant creative guy used to the high life and now he’s just another drone ass deep in debt and going nowhere. Then, one day, he pops his cork and blows his brains all over those widgets.

Yeah, yeah, I know there’s no way to prove it or get a conviction, but you’ve gotta admit, it was a hell of a way to get a guy dead. Murder by monotony, for Christ’s sake.”

Milk For The Mongoose

…for his cornflakes

 

The Doclopedia #1,168

Murder By…: Books

Yes, YES, I killed her! I admit it and I’m glad I did she’s dead! It was always “I’m reading blah blah blah” or “So and so is doing a book signing” or “I’ve preordered such and such titles”. All she ever talked about were friggin’ books! 24/7 it was books, books BOOKS! It drove me mad, I tell you! MAD! Hahahahaha!

But I fixed her, yes I did! It was genius! I knew she’d be looking for the next book in her latest series soon, so I used it as the bait in my clever trap. She had thousands of books in that pare room, all stacked up from floor to ceiling. It took me three days to get them all stacked just exactly right. I made sure to put the largest and heaviest on top. Oh, it was a work of art, my trap!

Once it was set, all she had to do was pull out that one book and the rest would collapse on top of her! Even if she didn’t die instantly, she’d be covered up and crushed. Meanwhile, the day before she finished the book, I went out of town on a “business trip”. I was 300 miles away when she died! When I found out she was killed instantly, I was a bit disappointed. But I was FREE! Free of her constant yammering on about books! Hahahahaha!

But I didn’t know she had installed micro cameras all over the house because she was afraid of book thieves. Who the hell worries about book thieves? Oh, of course, SHE DID!