The Journal Of The American Worm Farmer

…mind you, I know very few worms who farm

The Doclopedia #1,633

Me And My…: Hippo

Why yes, that is a hippopotamus. She’s my pal, Tina. I rescued her as a newborn baby in the Okavango Delta 5 years ago. Her mother was killed by a rogue bull about 5 minutes after giving birth. I couldn’t just let the baby die, so I loaded her on my boat and got her back to the animal sanctuary I was volunteering at.

I bottle fed her for months and then, when I was supposed to come back to the States, well, I just couldn’t leave her. It was expensive and I had to fill out gobs of forms, but here we are, in sunny San Diego. It’s a good thing I inherited my grandparents house and lot, because it’s just big enough for Tina and I.

Yes, I get some strange looks when I talk her walkies, but since I only do it after she poops, there are no unpleasant incidents. The neighborhood kids all love here and I take her over to the Senior Center once a week.

Or, sure, she’s not as easy to keep as a dog or cat, but she’s my sweet little 2,700 pound baby!




The Doclopedia #1,634

Me And My…: Martian Bunny

Well sir, that right there is a purebred Martian Bunny of the Spotted Rex breed. Very popular as pets all over Mars. Now, these bunnies ain’t quite the same as the ones raised fer meat. No sir, them bunnies is a bit bigger and fatter and not nearly as smart. Your meat bunnies will go 120, maybe 130 pounds. Companion bunnies, like my Bob there, run about 80 pounds and don’t stand more than 3 ½ feet tall, not counting their ears.

How smart are they? Well, I reckon Bob is as smart or smarter than any dog I’ve ever had. He seems to understand spoken English pretty well and he was a snap to house train. He knows a bunch of tricks, too. Watch this. Hey Bob! BANG! Hahaha! See there? Not just playing dead, but he died real dramatic like. Yeah, he knows sit, stay, come, down, roll over, bring me a beer…lots of tricks.

Oh, yeah, Bob’s still got his goods. See, he’s a show winning champion, so I keep him at stud. It brings in some money and he gets some fun. Can’t ask for a better deal than that, now can you?




The Doclopedia #1,635

Me And My…: Owl

The truth is, my human friend, that Orias here wasn’t always an owl. 10 years ago, he was a fellow elf, my cousin, to be exact. We were part of the Red Ring adventuring band. The seven of us fought bandits, raided dungeons, explored distant lands ane even deposed a king, all for fortune and glory.

Then we found ourselves hired for a princely sum to go deal with the Mad Wizard Irix Vall. It took weeks just to find his castle, then days to find a way in. We lost two members before we ever even got to Vall. Then, in the final battle with him, the cowardly bastard took his own life to unleash a powerful blast of mana. All of us were cursed according to our path in life. I, being a fighter, found myself unable to ever pick up a weapon again. Our dwarf friend suffered a similar fate. The halfling could never steal again. The wizard had to abandon all use of magic.

But at least we stayed in our own forms. Poor Orias had always favored using his druidic powers to assume avian forms, so the curse caused him to stay that way. He can never again commune with nature as he once did.

Oh, yes, he is still as intelligent as any elf. More so than many. But it is hard for a Great Horned Owl to truly communicate with a humanoid. He sometimes gets frustrated. I do not blame him. And I envy him the ability to fly silently. I would love to be able to fly at all, wouldn’t you?

The Rare & Beautiful Ambling Abalone Of Potawango Island

…they just sort of casually roam around

The Doclopedia #1,199

Critter Avengers Choice: Sasha: “Cat Chasin’ Bitches” by Titanium Dog This is the latest CD on Barkly Records from Titanium Dog, the hard rocking supergroup that formed after T.C. Growler and LeeLee McCanus left the Beasty Bitches to join former Dawg Sabbath guitarist Poochie Dane & drummer Bytch DeTerrier. Damn, can these girls ever rock the house. The fourteen cuts on this disk are all hard charging heavy metal with a punkish streak, as you would expect from Growler & McCanus, who wrote all of them. The bitch perspective is full on here, so I can see how some males might not like it, especially tracks like “Neuter Boy” or “Is That All Ya Got?” Me, I love the whole damned CD and I’ve been cranking it up while I’m down in the garage working. If you are any kind of a metalhead bitch, buy this or download it from dTunes.

The Doclopedia #1,200

Critter Avengers Choice: Lulu: The Pacific Crest Trail

So, even those of us who are no longer organic sometimes need the peace, quiet and beauty of the great outdoors. If you can do it (and you CAN do at least part of it) I suggest that you hike the Pacific Crest Trail. Now, please understand that I mostly run it at high speed (around 150 mph) because I’m not allowed out much due to certain previous unfortunate events. Still, I do stop every so often and take in Mother Nature or wrestle a bear or shoot down a pursuing black helicopter. There are about a zillion great views along the trail. I have run the PCT three times, twice from the Mexican border north and once from the Canadian border south. I’ve run it in Summer, Fall and the dead of Winter. Not nearly as interesting in the winter, unless you’re watching the flames from a black helicopter reflect off the snow. Get out there and give the Pacific Crest Trail a try, meat units. You’ll enjoy it.

Tacos For Everybody!

…while supply lasts, which won’t be long

The Songs That Start With The Same Letter Meme

Brought to you by the letter “L”, as given to me by joshbrown

“Locomotive Breath” (Jethro Tull)
“Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” (The Beatles)
“Living In The Plastic Age” (The Buggles)
“Lucky Ball & Chain” (They Might Be Giants)
“Love Shack” (The B-52’s)

Doc Tempest VS The Batman

…from the January 1970 issue

Here, my friends, for your possible amusement, are the complete lyrics to the “Food For Dogs” song that I sing to The Girls every time I feed them.

Food For Dogs (words and music by Doc Cross)


“It’s food for dogs!”
“Not hogs”
“or frogs”
“on logs!”
“It’s food for dog-dog-dogga-dog-dogs”

“It’s food for Daisy”
“Who isn’t crazy!”
“It’s food for Winker”
“My little stinker!”

“It’s food for dog-dog-dog-dog-DOGS!”

Note: The last line is sung in a very low bass.

Wine Gets Mellow And Gains Character, Cheese Gets Stronger And Smellier

…and I reckon I do all of the above as I age

Birthday Update

Went to the Indian buffet for lunch. Good food and I partook of it robustly. May explode soon.

Gifted myself with a couple of used CD’s (Tom Waits Closing Time and The Ramones Ramonesmania)from Dimple Records.

Wrassled with the girls and ended up covered by enough dog hair to knit a Bichon Frise.

Might go buy myself a book later.

Will polish off the last two Guinness while watching Heroes tonight.

And now…

More bloggage later, after food induced coma.