Never Hide A Duck In Your Pants

…nobody will end up happy about it

The FINAL entry for this version of The Alphabet. Christ, that took way too long.

The Doclopedia #1,369

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “Z”

Z is for: Zenobia N’Golo

Zenobia is an artist who specializes in depicting the neo-rural lifestyle of Gardener Dome. Although she primarily paints using acrylics, she has been known to sculpt in a variety of media. Her work can be seen all over the Dome and around Mars.

She and her husband, Mick, live in a large cottage on Hayride Street, which they share with their two children, their cat, T’Challa, and their dog, Bruce. They often host dinner parties with food prepared by Mick, since Zenobia is an admitted danger in the kitchen.

Zenobia was born in the East Central Sector of United Africa, but her family moved to Mars when she was 5. She is 5′ 7” tall and often wears bright green overalls.

Module 1-Y: The Haunted Dungeon Of The Fart Demons

…EWWWWW, demon farts!


The second to last entry for Gardener Dome…FINALLY!

The Doclopedia #1,368

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “Y”

Y is for: Yolanda Winkleton

Yolanda is the Tourist Service Answer Woman in Gardener Dome. The dome gets several thousand tourists a year and Yolanda is ready to answer their questions and help them out.

When she is not at work, she lives on a small aquaculture farm with her husband, Benny, and her two daughters, Justine & Millie. They raise gourmet algae. In her spare time, Yolanda collects old 45 rpm records.

Yolanda is a Martian woman. She stands 6′ 11” tall and has long black hair and gray eyes.

Unhappy Curlews Annoyed My Otters

…they should cheer the hell up

The Doclopedia #1,370

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “X”

X is for: Xakry

70 years ago, when scientists started developing Smart Animals and New Humans and other genetic creations, they accidentally created a few Mutants. Yes, just like in the comics. Humans with strange powers.

Xakry is one of those Mutants. Despite being 70 years old, he looks about 12. He dresses like any kid you might meet on Mars, but his teeth are too wide and his eyes are a swirl of colors and he sometimes flies and he can create very realistic illusions.

By interplanetary law, Xakry can go wherever he wants except for Class 3 and above Restricted Areas. He has plenty of money from a government grant, but he never spends much. He always seems to be seeing things nobody else can.

Xakry has lived in Gardener Dome for 9 years. He can often be found helping folks out with various chores.

How To Teach Your Macaws To Dance

…like Fred & Ginger


The Doclopedia #1,036

Moms: The Mother Of All Dragons

On Fantasy Earth 9, all dragons have the same mother and she is one big tough mama. Measuring 300 feet long from nose to tail tip, the Mother of All Dragons lives high up in the Razor Mountains, which thrust up over a mile and a half above the surrounding Skolab Desert. She is tended by several dozen lesser females who measure around 150 feet long. She seldom leaves her lair.

Once every 5 years, hundreds of male dragons arrive to battle one another for the right to mate. These battles are often to the death and in the end, no more that a dozen or so actually get to mate with the Mother. Only 1 or 2 survive that process without being eaten by her, seeing as how adult male dragons are never more than 70 feet long. The survivors go off to live out a long life, never mating again.

Now, you might be thinking that there is terrible inbreeding among dragons, but that is not true, You see, once a dragon is born, their DNA begins to alter their chromosomes so that by the time they are adults, they are not very closely related to the Mother of All Dragons.

Each Mother Dragon lives about 300 years, then dies quite quickly. The lesser females feast on her corpse and grow larger. Once the Mother has been eaten up, the females fight and the winner grows to become the new Mother of All Dragons.




The Doclopedia #1,037

Moms: Mrs. Mogubontu

Mrs. Omobe Mogubontu was a Class 2 Mutant. Her power was a passive one: everyone who spent much time with her grew to love her and accept her advice. Eventually, this resulted in the United Africa that we know today.

Even without her powers, Mrs. M was an extremely likeable woman. Married at age 13 to her 15 year old sweetheart, she was a mother at 15 and the leader of her village by age 17. She was pretty, smart, hard working and a good friend. At age 20, she was elected to the Senate of her home country, Longuto.

After only a few weeks in the capital city, Omobe had managed to charm most of the politicians, including the corrupt President Victor Abatonde. Many laws were passed that helped women and children and the poor. Free elections were announced and across the country, the word was that Mrs. M would be the next president.

The powerful military, however, had other ideas. Not based in the capital, the generals were unaffected by her powers and shortly after her election, they marched on the capital to stage a coupe. It was a very successful coupe for about a day, at which point the guards who surrounded Mrs. M followed her advice to take her before the generals. Outraged by this, the generals ranted and threatened her with death. In a firm Mom voice, Mrs. M told them to sit down and be quiet, which they did. An hour later, the generals told the army to lay down it’s weapons. From that day on Longuto was a peaceful and prosperous country.

As President, Omobe met with many African leaders and, during her second term, hosted a meeting of the African National Congress. History tells us how that turned out, because five years later, after much touring and speaking to millions of people, United Africa became a reality and one of the most powerful forces on the planet.

Mrs. Mogubontu retired from active politics at age 40, but continued to travel the world giving speeches that, if you think about them, sound pretty much like the good advice mothers have always given. The world is a better place because of it.

What The Butler Sawed

…an oak log, actually.


The Doclopedia #1,027

Girls Just Wanna Have Guns: PinkyPinky And Splatter

Nobody knows her real name, but everybody in India (and most of the rest of the world) knows who PinkyPinky is. The masked young lady in the bright pink costume is a champion of justice feared by crooks and thugs from the lowest slum to the highest levels of government.

Well, what they actually fear is Splatter, PinkyPinky’s “magical gun”, which looks like a big cartoony pistol and fires a bright pink goo that only sticks to “evil people”. The goo does not wash off and it smells incredibly bad. It also makes people confess their sins, as was witnessed when the Indian Minister for Agriculture went on live television and spent the better part of two hours confessing to crimes ranging from taking bribes to having farmers beaten up so they would sell out to multinational corporations.

After a couple of years of PinkyPinky style justice, India has seen a huge drop in crime, a real cleaning up of the government and a huge reduction in crimes against women & children.

PinkyPinky stands 5’4” tall and has a chubby build. She is a Class 2 Mutant with enhanced speed, agility and senses. She also seems to have some sort of mind clouding ability. Nobody has the slightest idea where she got Splatter.

Lately, rumor has PinkyPinky turning up in two places at once, hundreds of miles apart. Both are said to have been carrying Splatter. If it turns out she can duplicate herself, she will be reclassified as a Class 1 Mutant.

Doc Tempest VS The Russian Robots

…from the July, 1956 issue


The Doclopedia #944

 Pie!: Sausage Pie

Here you go, folks, a nice hot sausage pie. Dig in, but mind that hot gravy. You know, the crust on this one really turned out nice. I think I might be learning how to cook. Heh heh heh.

Oh, I learned this recipe from an old Italian hunting dog, back when I was in the Canine Pup Scouts. He was helping us get our Tracking merit badges and we’d go way out in the woods to track everything from rabbits to bears. At days end, he’d cook up all sorts of tasty things, including a sausage pie like this one. Of course, his version was a good bit more rustic than this.

Those are sweet potatoes, ma’am. I swapped them in for the usual potatoes because they just taste so much better. Same thing with the addition of artichoke hearts. And you’ll notice I added herbs to the dough for extra flavor.

Don’t worry about not finishing. I’ll just give the table scraps to my human, Albert. He’s a good boy, but like all humans he’ll pass up his human food for a chance at dog food.




The Doclopedia #945

Pie!: Coconut Cream Pie

The Great Mutation Outbreak of 1998 can be traced back to an apprentice baker in St. Louis, Missouri who came to work after a night of partying with his friends in an old chemical warehouse on the outskirts of town. Apparently, several random chemicals had found their way into his hair without him knowing it. These then got into 24 coconut cream pies that he baked.

All of the pies were sold early and 6 of them were taken to other parts of North America, including as far away as Quebec. Everybody who ate those pies found themselves mutating into a hideous monster over the next 48 hours. Worse yet, of course, was the fact that their bodies leaked out a clear liquid that had the same mutagenic effect. This got into water supplies and things got far worse in the next two weeks.

Fortunately, the chemicals broke down a few days after they entered the water, so the outbreak was confined to North America. Once the government had eradicated all of the mutants, things went back to normal.

Doctor Tempest And His Amazing Adventures In The Zombie War

… from the July, 1898 issue


The Doclopedia #920

The Alphabet: J Is For…

Joozoon Powder: Made from, among other things, the spittle of ancient red dragons and the earwax of a living hell hound, joozoon powder is a primary ingredient in many high lever spells. As one might imagine, it is a rare and very expensive ingredient. The finest joozoon powder comes from the Gorv Mountains, where there are many deadly creatures and an opening to Hell. As much as a pound of joozoon powder is created every year.




The Doclopedia #921

The Alphabet: K Is For…

Kangaroo People: After the Merge Virus got loose on Earth 44 and caused the DNA migration from species to species, many new sentient lifeforms appeared as pure humans died off. In Australia, the main sentient species became the Kangaroo People.

Resembling some strange human/kangaroo centaur, these creatures are generally peaceful nomads. Unlike normal kangaroos, they carry their young to a more mature state, then place them in their pouch for another 6 to 8 months. After they leave the pouch, the young are raised much like human children. They mature to adults in about 5 years.

Kangaroo People are omnivores, but mostly eat vegetation. They do hunt and enjoy eating meat whenever they can. They use fire, build temporary shelters and will plant edible plants that need little care. They return to these scattered gardens later in the year and harvest from them.

The Australian Aborigines get along very well with the Kangaroo People and often trade with them.