One Fish, Two Fish, Jazz Fish, Blues Fish

…with liner notes by Things 1 & 2

The Doclopedia #1,090

The Alphabet: E is for…

Ear Monsters

On Scary Monster Earth, where the nightmares of kids become real and adults cannot see them, there is a class of monsters called “Ear Monsters”, because something about then has to do with ears.

Ear Eating Monsters will try to sneak up on a kid and grab his ears, which then come off painlessly. The monster eats the ears then while running off really fast. The kid now looks really strange and can’t wear a hat for shit.

The Long Eared Goobling Monster looks kind of like a giant rabbit made of dirt and stuff. They run on four legs, chasing kids and going “goooble, goooble”. They try to grab kids with their 6 foot long tentacle ears. Nobody knows what they do to kids if they catch them.

The Flying Earlaphant looks like some really gross version of Dumbo. It flies around using it’s humongous ears, looking for kids to grab and carry off. Probably, it eats the kid or maybe feeds it to baby Earlaphants.

Finally, there is the Hundred Eared Monster that is like a big human with no head, but a hundred ears all over it’s body. It shoots gross earwax out of the ears and if it hits you, you are a goner and you turn into an earwax zombie.

Eetoovazombulo

On 5 different Earth, the word “Eetoovazombulo” appeared on about 6 million places around the world at 2:47, GMT, on July 16th, 2004. Nobody knew how it happened or who did it or why it was written in green ink. It pretty much freaked the shit out of everyone and in a couple of days there were hundreds of theories, many of them totally nutty. The word faded after about a month and a year or so later, much of the hoopla had died down.

Then, on August 1, 2005, a strange feminine sounding voice came out of televisions and radios and computers everywhere saying “Eetoovazombulo” three times in a row. It did this every 15 minutes for the next 33 hours. This time, people went bugfuck crazy and there were riots and suicides and running around and the world economy crashed. It took nearly five years for things to get back to normal and even then if anybody said the word “Eat” too loudly, people would scream.

On October 15th, 2011, anybody looking at the full moon saw the word “Eetoovazombulo” suddenly appear across the lunar surface. You can’t even imaging how badly shit went after that.
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Note from 2019: This edition of “The Alphabet” ends here, but resumes in January, 2014, after “Alt. Television. I have no idea why.

Now We Are Five

676A0152…because Sasha has come to stay

Doc, Grace, Lucy & Winker Cross are happy to announce the adoption of Miss Sasha Jane Cross as of 12:30 pm, Jan. 2nd, 2012.

Sasha is an approximately 3 year old, red and white Basset Hound. Her previous mom & dad both work, have 2 other dogs and have a 10 month old son, so they were unable to give her the attention she deserved. She is very healthy, although a tad on the skinny side. She is a very sweet girl, who seems to have no problems with her new sisters. She is whining a bit right now, because Grace left to get her a new collar and an ID tag.

Winker, and especially Lucy (our sweet little bag of neuroses), seem to be taking this new sister adoption pretty well. We have no doubt that they will soon be plotting mischief together.

Pictures of Sasha will go online soon.

Added note: Oddly, this is the second time we have adopted a new dog on the anniversary of the death of an old dog. Daisy left us three years ago today.

Note From March 2018: Sasha is still with us, still very healthy and the Alpha Bitch regardless of whatever other dogs come or go. She is sometimes a pain in the ass, but we love her very much.

Note From December 2019: Since the above update was posted, Sasha has lost all of her siblings. She will turn 11 in a few days. She is still healthy and sassy.

 

 

And now, your daily (we hope) does of fiction!

 

After The Change Came: Series 2

Sin And Filling You In

Hello there! Man, I’ve been a busy bee since my last post. As I mentioned, I’m an artist and most of what I’m doing lately involves painting murals on the inner and outer walls of the homes of Mages. My latest client is Mage Daphne out in Davis, California. Her thing (and all mages have a “thing”) is butterflies and flowers and her house is shaped like a vase full of assorted flowers with butterflies on them. It’s a big place, with 11 rooms in it, many of them with more than four walls. So far, I’m up to room #7 and when I’m done, I may never paint another damned butterfly as long as I live.

I got a few e-mails and v-mails asking for updates on various folks that Doc wrote about, so here you go.

Doc, as I stated last time, has a lot on his plate and he’s getting pretty twitchy. Every so often, I haul him off to go fishing and sampling various alcoholic beverages, which calms him down for a few days. Later this month, I’m going up north to Arcata with him on a combined Diplomatic mission/crab trapping trip.

Grace, bless her Gaia representing heart, is both the most beautiful and the healthiest pregnant woman I’ve ever seen. And that glow that Green Women give off is something to see. I was visiting one night and she went walking in the garden and she looked like some chlorophyll laced ghost. She has told us that the babies will be born on February, 14th, thus allowing the happy family to be at Dundracon on the 18th and proving that even Green Ladies can be big ol’ gaming geeks.

Lily has had her 13th birthday and has started high school. It’s a big indication of how much the Change really changed things when you find out that she loves it. When I was her age, I went to the coolest school on Earth…so cool it was the basis for a certain fictional school for Wizards & Witches…and it still sucked swamp water. But then again, I was just a boy, not a totally cute catgirl with a gaggle of friends, most of whom aren’t human.

Roscoe got married to Gigi in a very nice little ceremony attended by about 30 humanoids and 250 dogs, cats and other assorted Smart Animals (including four elephants). The house Doc had built for them is about a hundred yards behind Chez Cross and is very cute. Gigi had the puppies (April, May, June and Nick) 16 weeks ago and they are at about the same stage of mental development that 6 month old human would be at. They are also too cute for words.

Avis and Daniel had not planned a really huge wedding, but it’s working out that way. I really don’t know what they expected, since both of them have friends and business clients all over the world and up in space. The wedding will take place in the early spring in Hawaii and Doc has told them that he will foot the bill for the reception. Details of said reception to remain secret, save to say that I’m helping him plan it.

So there y’all go, an update on the major players hereabouts. I’ll blog more later after I go paint some more damned butterflies.

Here, Hold This Jackhammer For Me

…it was a TOON game, so things went badly for the holder

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NOTE FROM THE FUTURE (November, 2019): I don’t know why I didn’t post about Winker sooner this month, but she really recovered well once the pills the vet prescribed kicked in. She was 90% her old sweet self and would live almost exactly one more year.

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Ok, I owe y’all (and myself) some Doclopedia posts, so here we go with Lawmen Week.

The Doclopedia #206

Lawmen: Marshall Galzea Ovir

Galzea Ovir is the daughter, granddaughter and great granddaughter of lawmen & women. So well known is her law enforcing family that many criminals just give themselves up if they hear that she is after them. Galzea has been Imperial Marshall of the Greenwood district of the Marposian Empire for 5 years now and the crime rate has plummeted.

Galzea is a 5’4″ woman of mixed human/elvish ancestry. She keeps her greenish blonde hair short and usually wears mithril armor. Her favored weapons are a longbow for distance and a broadsword for close up work. Besides being an extremely proficient fighter, Galzea is also a third circle wizard and a rather talented theif. She usually rides a well trained gelding horse named “Storm” who has been taught a number of useful tricks.

When traveling around her district (which is 200 miles across from east to west and 90 miles from north to south), Galzea is often accompanied by her deputy, Quilosh Dhuul, a Siriptan axemaster.  If she needs more backup than Quilosh can provide (and that is a rare event), she will bring along Kanday Blayze, her best friend and a wizard of the seventh circle.

 

AFTER THE CHANGE CAME

A Day For Returning To The Blogosphere

Yes, friends & neighbors, after 3 years of no blogging and precious little internet activity (or gaming or writing or anything not involving international/interspecies relations) at all, Uncle Doc is back with a new blog. Gaia willing and the creek don’t rise, I should be blogging a few times a week for the next few months. My old blog got lost in the web somehow, but my computer guide, Sin, tells me that he’ll get it archived again Real Soon Now. I’m not holding my breath.

So, to get everybody back up to speed, I’ll post an introduction this time and then on my next post I’ll tell the “Second Honeymoon Story”, mostly to let the younger folks know from my very personal point of view how we all got this way and also because most of my good friends really like hearing it.

Anyway, the inevitable Introduction.

I am…

…57 years old (but when The Change came, my body got reset to about 18, so I’m now looking 30)

…male

…a Mutant (I’m a Speaker)

…of Irish, Portuguese, Scottish and Native American ancestry, in that order.

…married (36 years now, to Grace, who is a Green Lady)

…a Dad to Roscoe, a Smart Dog and to Lily, a Smart Cat

…a brother (first to Rosie and Kelly, then after the Change to Hank, Bob, Violet, Pansy and Merle)

…a son (to Bill and Gerry, who are young Gnomes now)

…a graduate of the Hobart School for Young Ladies and Gentlemen (even though I’m neither of those)

…a native Northern Californian (a fact I am both proud and rather smug about)

…a gamer (all sorts of games, but mostly roleplaying, computer or board)

…a game writer/designer (but nowadays, isn’t everyone?)

…a writer (ditto)

…an Official Diplomat for a wide array of local, regional and continental governments (because there are like, only two other Speakers in all of North America. Also: not nearly as glamorous a job as you might think)

…a movie buff (all the movies ever made are on the internet now? See you in a year or ten!)

…a big fan of science fiction, the old pulp adventures, humor and horror (see the above statement about movies, but swap books for movies)

…an avid birdwatcher. I used to be an avid gardener, but when your wife is a Green Lady and your mom is a Gardener Gnome (NEVER call them “garden gnomes”!), you start feeling inadequate.

…an uncle (8 times over, not counting my honorary unclehood to friends children)

…a pretty damned good cook, when our House Elves will let me in the kitchen

…a tea drinker (especially Gnomish Gold and good old Oolong)

…a beer drinker (especially Guinness Extra Stout and Wild Wizard Ale)

…a redhead (lifelong, but now a really metallic red that sets off my yellow eyes, or so I’m told. Both are part of the whole Mutant package)

…a dedicated con goer (Grace and I go to at least one con per month, from the small & cozy local SacCon to the really big ones like GenCon and WorldCon.

…a pretty funny fellow (according to friends & family)

 

A Day For Hating Fools

Ya know, like most everybody, I like Gnomes. They’re helpful and hardworking and fun as hell to hang with. Also, much of my family gnomed out during The Change, as did pretty much everyone else’s families.

But April Fools Day is like their species holiday. They just go nuts with pranking. Simple pranks, elaborate pranks, just plain goofy pranks…they do ’em all and in my family and my neighborhood, I seem to be the Grand Prize Pranking Target.

This year, even my normally serene and earth motherly wife got in on the act (shoes glued to the floor, bathroom turned into a jungle), as did my supposedly loyal children (leaking tea mug, whoopie cushion)! I can’t even imagine what my parents, siblings and other relatives have planned for me.

And it’s only 9:00 in the morning.

I think I’ll start drinking early.

A Day For Recovering

I seem to have over indulged on the scotch yesterday, as I’m feeling less than 100% today. Around 34%, actually.

All of the April Fools wackery has been undone, including the spell that kept causing my pants to fall down to my ankles, so all is right again here at the farm. Hank even moved the chicken house to a better spot before he removed the legs from it. The chickens seemed pretty thankful for that. My mom swears all of my clothes will be their proper colors in a day or two.

Grace has some big mental conference with the Ten Thousand today and Lily doesn’t feel like going out, so Roscoe suggested that he and I go hiking. I think we’ll go walk along the American River and maybe cross over the Sunrise bridge into the oak woods to the south. I’m thinking I’ll take along some cheese and sausages for us to snack on. Plus iced tea. Gotta have iced tea.

More bloggage later.

 

Fuck You, 2008

My friends,

I’ll cut to the chase here: Today, we will find out if our sweet girl, Daisy, has cancer. On Friday morning, I’ll find out if I have cancer.

If I have it, there will be an operation to remove my prostate and then whatever else needs to be done. All paid for by insurance.

If Daisy has cancer, it will mean that she will be put down within days. Not only would treatment for two tumors (one on her eye, one on her rectum) be dangerous to her health (due to her heart murmur and other factors), it would just plain be way more than Grace and I could afford, with no guarantees of her survival. Lest anyone think that putting a dollar value on a life is cruel, be aware that it is not something we like, nor is it something I have not done to myself.

If we don’t have cancer, we are both still looking at operations, with Daisy getting the more complex ones. But she will get them, if that is the case.

I am not worried about myself, that is not my way. I am very worried for Daisy. If we lose her, it will be a very hard hit on our little family.

So, if you have any good thoughts, vibes or prayers to spare for my girl, please send them out. Thank you.

Note from 2019: Daisy had inoperable cancer. I did not have cancer.

Cello Playing Nymphos From Hell

…or they might be from New Jersey

Thanks to all of you for the congratulations on my employment.

About the job

Ok, so my new job finds me working for a courier company called Tricor. Now, to start with, I’ll be just driving a courier route going from West Sacramento to Natomas to Dixon, then back to Natomas and finally back to West Sacramento. The route has 3 customer stops and I don’t have to load or unload anything heavy. But it only takes about 4 hours to do the run, from 1 PM until 5 PM.

Now, in a week or so, maybe less, there will be an opening in the warehouse for a package sorter (there are LOTS of longer & busier routes than mine) and at that time, I’ll get 4 more hours a day sorting. Full time work at last.

Mind you, this job only starts at minimum wage ($8.00 hr), but that beats the shit outta unemployment. And, should a better paying job come along, I’ll grab it.

And now you know what the deal is.

Note from 2020: The job and the company sucked ass, but I worked there 9 years. I also got paid for a great many hours I did not actually work, so I got a bit of a deal.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

…which, translasted into Mongolian, is still AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB!

Only part time to start with, but that should change around January 1!

I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB!

It’ll cause me to switch my DunDraCon TOON game from Friday night to Saturday andf I won’t get to the con until late Friday night, but that’s ok!

I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB! I GOT A JOB!

Mind you, Grace and I will still be eating Top Ramen and mac & cheese regularly for a month or so, but…

AFTER 7 MONTHS OF BEING UNEMPLOYED, I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING JOB!!!!!

Note from 2020: Hindsight being 20/20, I should have just started robbing liquor stores.

The Saga Of Doc: In Which Shit Most Certainly Happens

…and at exactly the worst time

So, anyway, I pull into work today as I’ve done for the last 15 years, 9 months, 16 days and there, standing outside the front door is the owner of the store with my (and everyone elses) final paycheck in his hands. It seems that the Great Bush Republican Economic Assfuck has claimed another victim. The pizza place, she is closed down.

To be honest, I’m surprised he held out this long. Business has sucked heavily since January. The guy who bought the franchise was a software engineer with limited food service experience and he bought an upscale pizza joint at exactly the wrong economic time.

So, what shall this Simple Country Boy (who can ill afford to be sans paychecks) do? Well, That store closing does effectively double the delivery area of our sister store at Arden Way & Fair Oaks, if they want it. And our former delivery area does include our many business accounts, most of whom I have established great relationships with over the years. So…I could go to work there. I’ve talked to the manager of that store and she’s gonna float it by the store owner. So we shall see.

But just in case, I came straight home after cashing that final check and signed up for unemployment benefits. I haven’t had to do that in 21 years.

I also put in a couple of job apps at businesses near here, including the Home Depot that is .52 miles from my doorstep.

And I’ve revived a couple of writing projects that might be saleable.

And I have plenty of plasma I can sell:)

Note from 2019: I was out of work until late December 2008. The job I got then was sub optimal, but was better than nothing.

 

Yes, It’s A Crazy Thing To Do

…so, what’s your point?

Introducing The Doclopedia!

One year from today, if all goes well, Grace and I and two as yet to be adopted Basset Hounds will begin our 2007 Triumphant Return To GenCon U.S. Tour. (and yes, there will be tour t-shirts)

(Note from 2012: I went to GenCon 2007, but Grace & The Girls did not. Sadly, there were no t-shirts.)

In anticipation of this great journey, as well as to sooth the melancholy I’m feeling over not going to this years GenCon, I decided a few weeks ago that I would create a character a day, every day, for a year. This may turn out to be one of my famous grandiose schemes that fizzles out, or I may just make it to the end. Tune in daily and see.

(Note from 2012: Little did I know what this would eventually spawn a few years down the road.)

(Note from 2019: I just passed Doclopedia entry #1,700…and it would have been much higher, but I stopped doing them for a few years.)


Note: I used no specific system for this first character, just pluses to show how far above the norm he was. I may use specific rules sets for future characters, or I may not. We shall see what comes to pass.

About this character: Redbeard is the first character I ever created for a proper, non-Killer GM operated, D&D campaign. That would be way back in the fall of 1977. The following description is Redbeard at about 10th level or so.

The Doclopedia #1
My Earliest RPG Characters: Redbeard the Slayer
Fighter/Thief
Strength: +3
Constitution: +3
Dexterity: +2
Intelligence: +1
Wisdom: +1
Charisma: +2
Advantages: Cool Under Pressure, Lots of Friends/Contacts, Patron (Ool the Wizard)
Disadvantages: Hunted (by the Thieves Guild), Hunted (by Shandar Khan the Sorceror), Soft Spot for the Less Fortunate
Powers/Gifts: Incredible Healing (3X normal), High Magic Resistance (+3 vs all magic)
Primary Skills: Melee Combat (Great Axe), Missile Combat (Throwing Knives), Thief Skills
Background: Redbeard (his real name is a closely guarded secret), is a swordsman and thief of some reknown. He lives in a small suite of rooms on the fourth floor of the Purple Unicon, a “pleasure palace” located in the city of Ekarris. Redbeard stands 6’2″ tall, weighs 275 pounds, has long red hair and blue eyes. His primary weapon is a huge double bladed great axe, but he is well skilled in the use of most melee weapons.
Redbeard is quite skilled as a thief…skilled enough that his freelance exploits have earned him the wrath of the Thieves Guild. They have put a hefty price on his head. Now if any of them were brave or skilled enough to collect it…
The High Wizard Ool Mandragar is Redbeard’s primary employer, often sending the “redheaded scalawag” off on missions that would kill anybody without his phenominal healing factor. More than a few of these missions have pitted Redbeard against the mad sorceror Shandar Khan and his League of Wizards.
In his spare time, Readbeard enjoys whores, ale, barroom brawls, fair maidens, Dwarven baseball and women.

AARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!

High winds in the valley today. Got home at 5:00 to find that part of the tree in the backyard had broken off, falling across the power lines to my house and the neighbors house. Local utility could restore half of his power, but our damage happened on the wrong spot to be the utilities responsibility. Therefore, no power here until we can call in an emergency electrician, who will no doubt screw us blind as to the cost because it’s Labor Day Weekend. FUCK!!!!!

 

NOTES FROM THE FUTURE: AND the Vacation Gods took one last hefty and fucking expensive shit on us for $5,000. Nearly 12 years later, we have still not fully financially recovered from that fucking summer.

Woke Up Ready To Rock

Recently, the Great and Powerful Robin D. Laws had a blog entry on the subject of putting ideas for novels/short stories/etc out where the public might take them and run with them. This is based on the fact that any writer (or in my case, daydreamer) will at any given time have many more ideas than he will have time or energy to deal with them.

So, my little scalawags, here are a few ideas that have spent long enough in my Humongous Box of Creativity. Do with them as you will.

1: Middle aged guy (thinking a Jim Belushi type here) gets super powers. He’s invulnerable and can fly. No super strength, X ray vision, etc. Does he become a hero? If so, how does he keep his identity secret? Does he tell his wife? How does he explain being gone at odd times? How does he use the two powers effectively? I can imagine a pretty funny movie here.

2: What if women really ARE a different species? Maybe they aren’t aware of it yet. Or maybe they are and they have secret organizations in place to hide the truth.

3: A small town in the Gold Country of Northern California is a nexus point for the strange and paranormal. Yes, this does borrow a bit from the old tv show “Eerie, Indiana”, but I see this as being played straighter and scarier.

ACK! Time for work! I’m outta here!

NOTE from 2007: See, I need to do stuff like this a lot more often. I get about 473 ideas every day and I could be putting them out there for y’all to marvel or laugh at.

More Reprints From The Blogger Page: The Sex Rant

WARNING!!! SEXUAL STUFF AHEAD!!!

Guys, I have something to tell you: STOP WORRYING IF YOUR DICK IS BIG ENOUGH! First off, most women will tell you that it ain’t the meat, it’s the motion. Secondly, you DON’T want to take a poll of which women would rather do without, your tongue or your willy. (of course, if you’re Gene Simmons, you got whatever they choose in bulk anyway) Thirdly, some guy out there is ALWAYS gonna have a bigger dick than you, so quit competing. Finally, there is no easy way to make your johnson bigger, despite massive internet spam to the contrary, so just be satisfied with the handfull God gave ya.

Oh, by the way, you women who keep telling every guy you meet that his dick is really big: STOP! You are filling their heads with false impressions and the next woman they meet is gonna hate you for it.

A word to many of you young people out there: YES, your parents DID and DO have sex. Your generation did not invent promiscuity. Nor did your parent’s generation, but if they were young in the 60’s or 70’s they sure as hell polished promiscuity to a high shine:) I know, I was there. Free love, orgies, the Kama Sutra, dope, threesomes, bisexuality, the dawning of the porn industry, no AIDS, the Pill was new and plentiful…damn, it was a Golden Age for being a slut:) Also, the music didn’t suck ass like it does nowadays. Yes, youngsters, odds are good that your dear old dad laid alot of pipe back in the day and your mom and her college roomie were more chummy than you think. And for all you know they might STILL be attending orgies and stuff. THAT mental image ought to keep you awake tonight:)

Bisexuality: While I’m not bi, my wife and several other people I know are and I’m cool with it. Indeed, in Grace’s case I’m rather happy about it:) However, some people (on both sides of the gay/straight fence) have been known to refer to bi folk as “greedy” or “indecisive”. Well, they aren’t either of those things. What they are is smart, cos they are getting twice as much nookie as the rest of us:)

Sex in the shower: who the fuck ever really thought this was a good idea? Shit, unless you are both rail thin, the damned shower isn’t gonna be roomy enough anyway. Add to that the danger of slipping and breaking your neck and you can see that shower sex is just plain not worth the effort. Now, the kitchen table…ahhh, that my children is a veritable Love Chair:)

Ok, so right off the bat, let me say that I just do not understand this “Spit or Swallow” obsession that most men seem to have. Jesus, isn’t it enough that the woman is sucking yer dick? Who gives a rats ass if she swallows, as long as you get off? Would YOU swallow it? Personally, at the point of orgasm, I don’t care WHERE it goes. It could fly out the fuckin’ window and I wouldn’t care. (I imagine anyone outside the window WOULD care, but what the hell are they doing outside my window anyway?) Now, to be honest, I’ve been with maybe 3 women who wouldn’t swallow, but apparently I’ve been amazingly lucky. Must be a California thing. Anyway, stop fixating on it, guys.

And while we are on the subject of blowjobs, there are alot of you women who need to stop acting like you are rendering this great and wonderful service that we can only get from you personally. Do you really think a guy can’t find 50 other women in your town who will polish his knob? Like maybe your sister or best friend? Get over it and work on varying your technique. Remember: every guy likes it done differently.

Flipping sides now, let’s talk about cunnilingus. That’s eating pussy for those of you who repeated grades in school. When I dispense advice to young men who are just entering the sexual arena, the first thing I tell them (as my father told me) is to learn to kiss the kitty. If they are really lucky, an older woman will show them how. Barring that, the best way to get started is to follow the advice of the late great comedian Sam Kinison and “Lick The Alphabet”. Gents, by the time you get to the letter “K”, the lady will be as putty in your hands. Once you get to “Z”, you can start over, do the alphabet in reverse or just make up new letters for some alien alphabet. Just remember to stop before…A: your tongue cramps up…B: The woman has a heart attack.

End Of Sex Rant

NOTE from 2006: Ya know, I really ought to either reprint or expand this sex rant. Hell, maybe I should do both. It might just help some of the poor sexless gaiming geeks I know.