…run, damn you, run!

The Doclopedia #1,692

And Then…: The Self Driving Car Catastrophe

Look, Officer, I can explain this. God knows I’ll have to explain it to our moms & dads when they get here. Oh Christ, I’ll be grounded forever and Jenna will be…oh, right, I’m sorry. So, we actually started out in Elko, Nevada. This is my dad’s mini RV, but he lets me use it. Well, we thought, you know, self driving car, plenty of room, let’s make out while it drives around town.

So we get down on the floor because the carpet is nice and then, I tell the car to just drive. It asks which way and by that time, we are making out and I just say, “I dunno, west.” But I forgot to tell it to just drive around town.

Anyway, after a few minutes of the car saying stuff like “now crossing Second Street” and “Turning on headlights”, I just yelled shut up and drive. So it did.

So, you were young right? And you know how things go. We made out for a while and then, well, things went further and I told the car to darken the windows and, well, we got busy. And then we rested a bit and got busy again. We were pretty distracted and so we never noticed that the car wasn’t making any turns.

After that second time, we both fell asleep for, well, I guess 4 hours. When we woke up, we grabbed a couple of sodas from the cooler and then got busy a third time. After that, we both used the mini john to pee and then we talked for maybe an hour and then Jenna says “Hey, this car has been driving straight for a long time”, so I go up to the cab and I see a road sign saying something about Sacramento and I figure out what happened.

I tell the car to get off the freeway, so it pulls off at the next exit and it heads to a mall to park and Jenna starts crying and freaking out and I’m freaking out and then the car says it needs to recharge and I tell it to find a station.

So I’m trying to calm Jenna and the car pulls into this parking lot and it hits a bump and I fall onto the control panel and I don’t know what happened. The car tells me it needs a diagnostic run and it can’t move and we’re in a no parking zone and then 15 minutes later it shuts down because it’s too low on juice.

Anyway, I called my folks and Jenna called hers and they are all on the way here. Then you showed up and now I’m thinking maybe my life would be better if you just threw me in jail or shot me.

Aw, officer, please don’t laugh.



The Doclopedia #1,693

And Then…: The Drunken Mother In Law Debacle
Sulg just wanted nice wedding. Ogres come, shaman say words, Sulg and Vuna drink wine from skull, then everybody eat and dance and maybe tell stories. But Vuna’s mother show up and then everything go bad.

Vuna’s mother is Harga. Harga big for Ogre female. Big eater, big drinker, big mouth. She sit nice during ceremony. After, she tell Sulg to be good to Vuna or she kill Sulg. Sulg expect talk like that.

Party start. Ogres having good time. Harga drinking lots of wine, eat lots of food. Harga dance with many Ogres. Harga get drunker, then drink more.

Vuna try to get her mother to sit down, but Harga say no. Then Dort, who not right in head, grab Harga by ass. Harga no like and punch Dort in face, knock Dort flat. Vuna tell Sulg maybe time to leave, so we start up hill as fight starts.

Harga yelling and Ogres yelling and everyone fighting. Then Harga pick up big tree limb and start swinging it. Harga knock Nuba and Rif into fire. Pretty soon, big fire burning. Ogres all still fighting. Huts start burning. Harga finally get hit on head and fall down. Some Ogres fight, but some try to put out fire.

Now, half of village burned down. Many Ogres hurt. Hagra put on raft while still knocked out. Will probably be mad when she wakes up far down river.

Sulg and Vuna decide to go live with Bloody Eye Ogres on other side of mountains. Safer there.



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You Can’t Trust A Smiling Demon

…you also can’t trust the frowning, laughing, crying, sleeping, thoughtful or amused demons

The Doclopedia #1,105

The Alphabet: O is for…


…are found in most realities where there is Magic. In about 4 out of 5 of these worlds, ogres are big and ugly and very often not very bright. They tend to be violent and enjoy smashing up both property and other sentients. A very few will turn into stone when exposed to sunlight, but on most worlds, they can function in the daylight just fine.

On that fifth out of five worlds, ogres are different in some way. Examples would be the really large, but very smart, ogres on Earth 17. They can and do learn Magic, but they aren’t particularly violence prone.

The ogres of a few other realities are not ugly, but merely homely. They stand a foot or so taller than the average human and pretty much have ordinary societies.

The ogres of Earth 109 are a strange mix of common ogre and predatory alien. Fortunately, they are really big and noisy, which makes them easy to kill.

The Doclopedia #1,106

The Alphabet: P is for…

Paulette 3K3

…is the most famous AI actress on Earth 88. She has won dozens of awards and starred in the long running webseries “Yellow World”. Her movies include “This Time, It’s Personal”, “Daughters & Moms”, “Cybernalia” and the 2110 remake of “Gone With The Wind”.

When she is not acting, Paulette 3K3 lives on her personal island paradise somewhere in Cybersea Beta. She is married to the well known game star, Drake Gunner, star of the “Guns & Monsters” game series.

The Doclopedia #1,107

The Alphabet: Q is for…

Questioning Beast

…is, to be totally honest, one of the most annoying creatures you’ll ever encounter. Thanks the 56 Gods it’s only found on the Earth where humans all have blue skin.

If you’ve ever been around a small child who constantly asks you questions that quickly devolve into repeated uses of the word “Why?”, you’ve got a good idea of what the Questioning Beast is like. The main difference is that small children don’t weigh two tons and it doesn’t kill and eat you if you stop answering their questions. On the other hand, when the small child gets bored and walks away, it doesn’t poop out several thousand dollars worth of gold nuggets. Of course, the Questioning Beast does often ask much more complex questions to begin with, so you earn your gold.

The Questioning Beast wanders the world cloaked by a stealth field that renders it invisible and soundless. It only drops this field to ask a question. The humans of that particular Earth tend to be a bit jumpy, but they also tend to be very well read.

Radar Death Kitties From Jupiter

… a 12 part RKO serial

The Doclopedia #143

The Alphabet: B


Bulgark (who was only called “The Insane” by people who lived very far away from his kingdom) was the son of Ragtarl The Slayer and was, from 1196 CE to 1227 CE, the Supreme Ruler of the Screaming Face Ogres. He was very large and very strong and yes, very insane. Every other ogre of the Screaming Face nation hated and feared him. This was pretty understandable, since Bulgark would often go into fits of paranoid rage and kill 20 or 30 ogres before he finally fell asleep.

Mind you, on the battlefield he was much beloved, since he could mow down humans, elves or dwarves like some crazed threshing machine. Of course, sometimes he’d keep on killing once all the enemy was dead, but that was why his fellow ogres used to keep lots of orcs between them and Bulgark.

Bulgark had several wives and many children over the years of his reign and a few of them actually survived. When he died in 1227, his last wife and 3 of his children gleefully chopped his body up and fed it to a pen full of wild snorfiggers. Nobody cared because they were too busy celebrating.

Upon his death, Bulgark’s eldest son, Korfmog, assumed the throne. He was pretty sane for an ogre and ruled for 48 years,