Splendid Lily And The California Kid Go To Vegas

…on somebody else’s nickel

The Doclopedia #69

Pigs Is Pigs: Fred Finster, Wereboar

 

In 1993, while on an ill advised vacation in rural Georgia, Fred Finster, age 30 and an insurance salesman by trade, was attacked by a huge wild boar. The creature managed to bite him several times before being shot by a local hunter. Mr. Finster was taken to a local hospital in serious condition. He was stabilized, then airlifted to a better medical facility in Macon, where doctors commented that his wounds weren’t nearly as bad as they had been lead to believe.

Two days later, Fred left the hospital and Georgia with not the slightest trace of a wound.

One week after that, back home in a suburb of Boston, Fred Finster changed into a 700 pound wild boar and went on a rampage that left property damaged, pets terrified and three homeless men & a 17 year old drug dealer dead. The police blamed it on gang activity, even though they had no explanation why or how a gang ripped up 9 peoples yards and apparently ate several hundred pounds of vegetation. CSI reports that huge porcine hoof prints and boar hairs were found at every location and on/near the murder victims were not made public.

It didn’t take Fred long to figure out that waking up filthy dirty and bloody, along with muddy hoof prints morphing into his own footprints, equaled deep shit with him in it. After calling in sick to work, he cleaned himself and his house. After that, he went to the library and read up on lycanthropy. After that, he got in his car and drove way out into the woods in a state park.

He awoke the next morning about a mile from his car. The ground for yards around him looked like it had been rototilled by a dozen drunken gardeners. Trees as thick as a 16 inched were toppled over and not far away he found a park rangers hat. Under it, he found the rangers head. He couldn’t find the rest of the ranger.

Since that day, Fred has worked as a traveling insurance investigator. He found out that he only turns into a wereboar for three days out of the month, during the full moon, so on those days, he goes way out into the wilderness where he usually can’t hurt anyone.

Fred had tried to kill himself 37 times, starting with silver bullets, but nothing he has tried kills him. He’s saving up his money for a couple of diamond bullets which he will have blessed by holy men of all the major religions.

The Doclopedia #65

Pigs Is Pigs: Iron Ham

 

Name: Porky Stark
Species: Pig
Beliefs: I must fight evil using my power armor. I must lay off the booze. I must try to get Pepper in the sack.

Porky Stark was a gazillionaire playboy and inventor when one day, some Evil Terrorists blew up his lab. Porky lived, but had a piece of shrapnel lodged in his butt. It was impossible to remove, so Porky said “Screw this! I’m gonna build some power armor and kick the ass of every Bad Guy I see”.

And so he did and does.

A Box Full Of Eyeballs And A Bottle Of Pineapple Juice

…not real eyeballs, but still, ewwww!

The headache that stopped me from posting yesterday is still here, so only one post today. I’m hoping to do two tomorrow.

The Doclopedia #68

Pigs Is Pigs: Pigmaylion

 

When he was a much younger man (well, he was 68, but he’s a hell of a lot older now) and freshly famous for his near single handed defeat of the Skudoran Hordes in the War of the Four Crystals, the Wizard Dyb VanElp made a very foolish wager.

Fueled by foolish pride, newfound celebrity and liberal consumption of wine, Dyb announced to the King, Queen, assembled Court and especially Wix VanOte, the High Wizard, that he could cast the Resounding Bell of Plenty spell in under 6 months time. Since that had never been done before (it usually took at least 8 months) and since Dyb was being very seriously considered to replace Wix, the older wizard offered a wager: if Dyb could indeed cast the spell in 6 months, Wix would give up his position and his estate to Dyb. If, however, Dyb should fail, then he would accept banishment to the Isle of the Great Statue for a period of 300 years. Wix figured that by then, he’d be dead and Dyb could return to annoy the next High Wizard.

To reduce a long tale to the basics, Dyb failed to cast the spell in the allotted time and was taken the 1,000 miles out to sea to the island. There, after being properly ensorcelled with the spell that would keep him there, he began exploring. He found a modest home, livestock and gardens. The rest of the 5 mile long island was hilly woodlands and meadows. Over it all towered the 500 foot tall statue of some ancient humanoid from which the island got its name.

For the first few years, Dyb spent much of his time tending his gardens & animals, exploring the island and continuing his magical studies. This took his mind off his isolation, but eventually he did yearn for the company of a woman. He was far too distant to teleport one and he figured he was about 1,000 years of sexual deprivation away from making a deal with a demon for one, so he decided he’d have to make one.

He had, years earlier, given most of the animals he was not going to eat (horses, goats, pigs, ducks) the power of speech and human level intelligence. He had noticed that pigs were by far the most human like, so he selected a young sow and began his enchantment.

It took 4 sleepless days and nights of spellcasting and a half dozen potions before he was successful, but there before him finally stood a beautiful young woman, whom he named Pigmaylion.

She stood 5’6” tall and had long black hair. Her eyes were very dark green and she was quite shapely. Her skin was a bit pinker than an ordinary human might have, but it enhanced, rather than detracted, from her beauty. She had a melodious voice and loved to sing and dance. She also enjoyed coking and eating, but did not partake of alcohol.

She was a very fast learner and within a week was the mental equal of any educated woman Dyb had ever met. She was an equally fast learner when it came to the boudoir, much to their mutual pleasure. Eventually, she told Dyb that she would like to study magic, something he was more than glad to hear. She learned the Art as fast as she learned everything else and showed a natural talent for potions and enchantment.

Things went wonderfully for that first year, but on the anniversary of her transformation, Pigmaylion became a pig again. The change, which Dyb had no explanation for, lasted three days, at which point she became human again. This happens every year and the couple has learned to live with it. She was, of course, still able to speak, so she and Dyb could at least have their usual spirited discussions.

After some years, they had children, two boys and two girls. When they grew of age, Dyb created a boat to take them to the mainland for a proper education and the chance to live among human society.

A bit over 200 years later, Dyb was released from his obligation and he and his wife left the island. Wishing to avoid any notoriety, they settled in the small kingdom of East Pidwin, where they lived another 200 years before finally dying on the same day of old age.

The One About The Seven Hour Bike Ride With The Asian Lady

…it wasn’t like you think…well, not entirely

A short request: POST COMMENTS!!!

The Doclopedia #67

Pigs Is Pigs: Ginger, Maxie & Zonk

 

In the year 2185, the colony starship “Spirit of Earth” left on a trip to another solar system that is 235 light years away from Earth. Seeing as how the ship could only reach 20% of light speed, it’s going to be a long trip. Fortunately, the 50 mile long, 10 mile wide cylinder was built to allow the 10,000 colonists and their descendants to live inside a very Earth-like world. There are many different terrains and climate zones and a wide variety of flora & fauna.

Keeping this all functioning properly is the job of the human scientists, the several AIs built into the ship and the 35,000 autonomous robots that do much of the real dirty work. Three of these are robot pigs named Ginger, Maxie and Zonk.

Ginger is the smallest of the three and usually acts as the eyes and ears of one of the maintenance AIs. She is also the fastest and the best climber. When needed, she can operate under water.

Maxie is the middle pig in size and can extend robotic arms that can use a wide variety of tools. His eyes can fire welding lasers. He is the robot most likely to be assigned to interact with ordinary humans.

Zonk is twice as big as Maxie & Ginger put together. His specialty is moving heavy things, collecting samples and digging. He looks a lot like an African Warthog.

On their off time, the three robotic pigs enjoy acting just like real pigs, downloading entertainment feeds (robot version) and discussing why humans act the way they do.

The Care And Feeding Of The Portuguese Love Python

…I’m bad…so bad

The Doclopedia #65

Pigs Is Pigs: Brenda, The World’s Smartest Pig

 

In 1997, on the Earth just next to ours, geneticists at the University of California at Davis injected a sow and a boar with human genetic material in the hope that it would raise their intelligence to near human levels. The results were disappointing, but not entirely bad, so the bred the two together and then injected their offspring. Of the 6 piglets born, all were somewhat smarter than the parents except for the runt, a little sow named Brenda. She was way smarter than her siblings. In fact, she was way smarter that the humans around her, one of whom was a Nobel prize winning biologist.

The more they tested Brenda, the more amazed they were with her capacity to learn and use her knowledge. Inside of a year, they were communicating with Brenda using software based upon the type used by Stephen Hawking, but vastly improved by Brenda’s suggestions. Six months later, Brenda was equipped with two mentally controlled robotic arms of her own design. By now, the former runt weighed in at 300 pounds and was 6 feet long from snout to tail.

At any given time, Brenda would have 5 or 6 projects in the works, in fields as diverse as biology, computer engineering, psychology and chemistry. She became an international celebrity and appeared on all the talk shows as well as hosting her own highly rated program on the Science Channel. Naturally, she was an ardent supporter of animal rights, although being a natural omnivore, she was not against eating meat (which rather pissed PETA off, but nobody really cared), with pork being the exception, of course.

Despite the government putting a ban on raising animal intelligence, Brenda and her human colleagues did it on the sly and with a good deal more success than the initial scientists had. They raised the intellect of hundreds of mammalian and avian species, then quietly released them into the wild with the goal of protecting the environment. This worked out very well indeed, but is another story.

At the ripe old age of 45, Brenda retired and spent her remaining days writing. Oddly, she specialized in complex murder mysteries, most of which were made into VRE (Virtual Reality Experiences).

Upon her death at age 60, Brenda was responsible for a restored environment, about 2,000 technological advances, all of the bases & settlements off Earth, cures for cancer and many other diseases and, of course, the vast reduction of the human populace and the establishment of the Worldwide Trans Species Government.

 

 

The Doclopedia #66

Pigs Is Pigs: Porkchop, A Boy’s Best Friend

 

On Earth 7A, a plague killed off all of the domesticated dogs in the world in the year 1620. Needing something to replace dogs in their lives, people tried breeding foxes and wolves and other Canids, but unfortunately, whatever causes them to rapidly evolve into protodogs also made them susceptible to the virus that was still in the evironment.

And then somebody gave pigs a try.

As we know, even the dumbest pigs are a good deal smarter than the smartest dogs and the smartest pigs are as intelligent as the average chimpanzee. This means that it did not take the porkers long to realize that if they helped humans out, life could become pretty sweet. Thus was born the pet pig. In under a century, they were fulfilling pretty much all of the roles dogs once had.

Now we flash forward to 1959 and the premiere of a television show based on the books and movies about Porkchop, “A Boy’s Best Friend”. The series starred Ronnie Howard as Tommy Dayton, Andy Griffith as his father Roy, June Lockhart as his mother Betty and a young sow named Wendy as Porkchop, the beloved family pet and constant companion of Tommy. Each week, Tommy and Porkchop would get into funny and/or mildly dangerous situations from which the pig would extract them. On some shows, Porkchop would come to the aid of Roy, Betty or any number of neighbors (most often Reverend Parker, played by Don Knotts).

“Porkchop, A Boy’s Best Friend” ran for 12 years and won 15 Emmy awards, including 3 for Wendy herself. The series finale, which saw Tommy heading off to college with Porkchop tagging along, was the highest rated television series of all time and held that position until the famous Doctor Who/Star Trek: The Next Generation crossover episode in 1997.

Wendy passed away at the Motion Picture & Television Home For Acting Animals in 1979, at the age of 22. Her direct descendant, Abigail, starred in the 1999-2008 revival of “Porkchop, A Boy’s Best Friend”. Wendy has a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame and her hoof & snoutprints are preserved in cement at Mann’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood. Ron Howard, who went on to become an Academy Award winning director, named his eldest daughter Wendy in her honor.

Beers For Fears

…or did I get that wrong?

 

The Doclopedia #64

Pigs Is Pigs: Atomic Hog

 

In the early 1950’s, fallout from nuclear testing fell on the hog farm of Mr. Dudley Calhoun of Winslow, Arizona. A few months later, among a standard looking litter of 8 piglets, there was one that grew much faster than the rest. In just a few weeks, it was nearly as big as the mother sow. Farmer Calhoun, thinking that he had a prize winning hog on his hands, started feeding the young porker all it could eat.

The problem was, it wanted to eat him. And one day, when the hog was about the size of an Angus bull, it did just that.

In fact, the hog not only ate the farmer, but his wife, 5 children, mother in law, brother, hired hand and all the other livestock on the farm. This vast influx of protein acted as a catalyst and caused the hog to grow to the size of a large elephant. It also gave the giant pig atomic fire breath and super tough hide.

In no time, the atomic hog was destroying farms, ranches and out of the way gas stations and stores. Local police called in the FBI, who in turn called in the military. The hog was cornered several times, but wiped out it’s attackers while taking very little damage. By the time the military withdrew, the hog was twice the size of an elephant…and growing.

Eventually, scientists were able to get the atomic hog to eat truckload of sweet potatoes that had been heavily dosed with radiation. The chain reaction that followed reduced the hog to a large pile of ashes. Once more, the world had been saved!