Doc Tempest And The Hammer Of Thor

…from the October, 1957 issue

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,307

How Did You Get That Scar?: The Pirate

I see you staring at my bosom, mate. Or rather, at that circular scar on the right one, correct? No, no need to apologize. Strapping young lads such as yourself can’t help but stare at beauties like these. Ha! I made you blush! How adorable.

The story is as simple as swabbing a deck. My crew of ladies and I had been making things lively down in the Indies and decided to head east for a spell, just to get a change of scenery. The fact that we left just ahead of a great sweep by the Spanish was mere coincidence.

So we were off the coast of Africa, taking prizes from both the Crown and the French when two French ships of the line come over the horizon and give chase. After about half a day, we weren’t losing them and the distance between us was getting damned short. The only trick left to try was to head for a rocky little island we had stopped at before and hope we could run the Frenchy sods aground on the low lying reefs.

The plan worked on the first ship, but the captain of the second had better luck. We ran into a reef and he was on us. A fight breaks out as they boarded us and during the proceedings, somebody shot the fancy looking pistol right out of the captain’s hand. The fight goes on a while longer and they get the best of us, but only after losing a good number of men.

Captain Rambord, for that was the name the Froggy bastard gave, had us all tied up on deck and was telling us how much we would enjoy a French prison. I politely told him my opinion of the French, their prisons and him in particular. That got him mad and he picked up the remains of his pistol and starts heating it over a torch. While he’s doing that, he tells me how the pistol was a gift from some duke or something and how he would use it to brand every one of us, starting with me.

All eyes were on him as he walked up and pressed that red hot barrel to my chest. I screamed and screamed. The pain was terrible, but not the worst I’ve ever felt. He laughed and started heating up the barrel for my First Mate.

And then his ship caught fire.

Well, as you might expect, most of his men took off to help fight the fire, which seemed to be pretty intense. That left half a dozen armed men and the captain with us. When 14 of my crew jumped up and attacked them, they went down without a shot fired. Once I was freed, I started heating up that pistol barrel and telling that scurvy dog how I’d had the presence of mind to prepare for being captured.

You see, I had told three of my ladies to slip over the side the moment we ran aground. They had waited for the right moment, then two of them started fires on the French ship. The third one had climbed up a line and slipped a knife to one of the crew tied to the railing. The knife got passed along unseen due to everyone watching the captain and I. Ah, the French, so easily distracted.

And so the captain’s ship burned, the other ship was not going anywhere due to a hole in her belly, our own damage was minimal and Captain Rambord is never going to be much use to any woman. We looted their ships after forcing the crews to swim to the island, then sailed off on the high tide. As you can see, my wound healed, leaving only this small scar.

Now, my handsome young fellow, how would you like to learn some very saucy tricks I picked up during a trip to India?

 

 

 

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It’s All Fun And Games Until Somebody Gets Attacked By A Sex Crazed Emu

…my Christmas Eve was ruined!

 

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #4

 

The Adventures of Captain Flame #1

Oriana O’Dell, known to the general public as Captain Flame, renowned pirate and captain of the Sea Dragon, was on her way to a business meeting with Captain Renaldo Lucasi, once known as Captain “Black Lukas” Storm, but these last 15 years known as a wealthy trader, patron of the arts and highly desirable bachelor pursued by many ladies in this fair city of Diamond Bay.

He was also both a buyer/distributor of stolen goods and a scholar of all things mystical and magical. Flame had known him all her life, seeing as how he was a dear friend of her parents, themselves retired pirates. “Uncle Luke” was, she hoped, going to not only buy a load of Dwarven made armor and weapons she and her crew had recently liberated, but shed some light on a highly magical figurine that her Quartermaster, Francisco Zappa, had found among a chest full of jewelry. The three inch high primitive carving of a nude man fairly hummed with magical energy, but even though she herself was an Eldritch Knight, she had learned nothing from it or her few books on magical artifacts. Short of going far inland to the College of Mages, Uncle Luke was her best bet.

When she arrived at the gate of his villa, a muscled up young fellow stopped her.

“Hold up, miss. This is the villa of Captain Lucasi and only invited persons may enter. Your name, please.”

She smiled at him and said, “Oriana O’Dell, here to see the captain on important business.”

The guard smiled a bored smile and looked at the notice board on the wall. “Sorry, miss, but I see no Oriana O’Dell here. Of course, it could be that you were meant to come in using the back entry.”

The intimation was clear. Her red hair, youthful body and fashionable dress made him think that, since she was not on the guest list, she was a prostitute. This made her blood boil.

“Listen to me, lad. I’m to be a guest of the Captain Lucasi tonight, so you just get a message up to the house so they can correct this error and I can get inside.”

A scowl set on the guard’s face and he stepped up very near her.

“Now you look, missy. I’m an ex-pirate and I will have none of your bitchy talk. You get your redheaded ass around back or I’ll show you how a pirate deals with your kind.”

Flame stepped up until she was inches from his face. Being as how they were both over 6 feet tall, this put them eye to eye.

“No, you listen to me, you muscle brained son of a whore. I know all about pirates. I was born to pirates, raised by pirates, schooled by pirates and I command pirates. I have eaten and drunk with pirates, fought with pirates, partied with pirates, fucked pirates, loved pirates, broken the hearts of pirates, helped pirates, raided with pirates and on occasion even killed pirates. I’ve sailed every sea on this planet and raided more ships than you’ve had hot meals. I’m wanted by a dozen governments and I’m a friend to oppressed folk everywhere. I’m a pirate captain, an Eldritch Knight and the woman who will fry you like a smelt and use your scrotum as a coin purse. My name is Captain Flame. Now, am I getting in or not?”

The guard was afraid to move, seeing as how one of her hands was raised near his face and on fire while the other held a rapier that she had not possessed a moment ago tight against his crotch.

“C-C-Captain Flame? Umm…yes ma’am, you are on the list. S-Step right in, Captain.”

She willed her rapier back to her cabin on the Sea Dragon and shut down the Flame Blast spell. As she passed through the gate, she turned to the guard, who looked as though he might collapse at any moment.

“I know you were just doing your job, mate, but you should think very carefully when making any assumptions about a woman. The next one may not be as sweet tempered as I am.”

She then proceeded up the drive to the villa.

 

Mr. Porkwaffle Has A Problem with Mice

…so he tries to build a better mouse trap

 

Dog Con 7

 

Day 12: In which we leave Hawaii, get back to the Southern Californian mainland, Spike & I get mocked & laughed at and we have the wildest bachelor & bachelorette parties EVER!

11:45 pm

Lulu here, folks. I’ll be your reporters for this entry and the next, because Daddy is just too tired after the bachelor party. I was there, so I know. Hijacking an airship full of gold takes a lot out of a biological person.

I’ll also be reporting on the bachelorette party, since Sasha & Joe installed micro-cameras on all of the females. I edited the raw footage down into something comprehensible and I’ll give you highlights from it. Trust me, the girls all had a heck of a fun time as wizarding world pirates.

Oh, and no critter comments here today. They are all totally shagged out.

So, we left Hawaii in the morning, after a big breakfast that featured pineapple pancakes and the ever beloved bacon. Yes, despite being a robot, I can still taste things. Best taste modules credits can buy right here, folks.

We arrived in Southern California safely. Dad found a nice camping spot very near the beach and we took a walk for an hour or so. It was very pleasant.

Back on the bus, we all made Dad & Uncle Spike put on their tuxedos. They both protested that, since they’d be young and thin and probably taller, they didn’t need to wear tuxedos in their normal old farty forms. This was quickly vetoed by EVERYBODY, so they went and put them on.

I’m pretty sure that we all took about 500 pics of them all dressed up, since we’ll probably never see that again. There was much laughter and mocking. Miranda said they looked like two old fat bearded penguins. Flash said they stood out like a couple of whores in church. After about 15 minutes, they went back in and changed into their normal jeans & t-shirts.

About an hour later, other party goers arrived and all the guys went in one room and all the girls went in another, so as to get shot up with Rejuvenox. Not needing it, I played some World of Dogcraft while I waited.

An hour later, the ladies all emerged. By the standards of all their species, they were smoking hot young lasses. The party consisted of…

Mom, Auntie Avy, Auntie Ginie, Auntie Mary, Auntie Caroline, Auntie Rosie, Auntie Holly Hildreth, Cousin Molly (daughter of Rosie & Mike), Sasha, Daisy, Silky, Jazz, Roxy, Calli (Auntie Rosie’s boxer), Midnight (cat friend of Jazz) and Penny (pig friend of Daisy).

My sisters were totally rocking their 1 year old bodies, Silky kept saying, “I have firm boobs again!” Actually, most of the Aunties and Mom also said that. Many comments were made about legs, butts and tummies, too.

BTW, everyone who normally wears clothes was wearing a bikini.

Then the door opened on the guys and yes, they were smoking hot, too. The humans were mostly wearing tight jeans and no shirts. The human females seemed to approve of this. They male party consisted of…

Dad, Uncle Spike, Uncle Brian, Uncle Peter Hildreth, Uncle Mike (Rosie’s husband), Uncle Gabriel Gentile, Cousin Chris (son of Rosie & Mike), Flash, Leon, Cosmo (Calli’s brother boxer), Adolph (cat buddy of Flash), Buster (basset hound and Sasha’s friend with benefits), Dex (another cat buddy), Willie (our pig friend and boyfriend of Penny, Clancy (our Scottish terrier buddy), and me.

Yes, I know that I technically identify as female, but I don’t really have lady parts anymore and besides, I wanted to be an outlaw in the Steampunk Old West.

Some of you might be saying “But what about Miranda and Lauren?”. Well, Lauren is way to young for this pirating stuff and Miranda volunteered to babysit her, so we shot Miranda up with Rejuvenox, which made her physically 10 years old again, then we sent them both off on a Pokemon adventure. They had fun and ate lots of good food when they weren’t fighting Team Rocket.

As I said, all the guys looked great and Dad exited the room last, because like Auntie Rosie said, if his ego was any bigger, he could ride it.

He came out of the room not in jeans, but in a loincloth. He was tall and tanned and had a sort of swimmer/runner’s build and he had no facial hair and his hair was long & red. He looked kinda like Tarzan. Mom asked how much time we had before the parties and was disappointed when Sasha said 5 minutes. Dad said “Later, you young hottie.”

Before those of us with no hands went off to get dressed, Sasha set us all up with land octopi (well, in my case, a mechanical version) and bada bing bada boom, we had manipulative appendages! Then it was into our respective rooms to get dressed for the parties, then we were off on an adventure.

So here are excerpts from the bachelorette party, which started with the lassies on their ship, the “Red Queen” (which, by the way, was huge and mostly crewed by House Elves). They were in port in that wretched hive of scum & villainy, Honolulu, August 12, 1650. Hey, things were different in that world.

In short order, they drank some butterbeer (no alcohol), Captain Jasmine gave a rousing speech about raiding the British and Spanish merchant fleets and then they were underway.

Some highlights were…

During the first attack on a Spanish ship, Mom and Auntie Rosie swung over onto it from ropes on the yardarm, with Jazz & Roxie on their shoulders waving their wands and shooting out hexes right and left.

Auntie Avy and Auntie Ginie casting Patronus spells to hold off the Spanish attacks, while Sasha jumped from ship to ship while wielding a wand and a cutlass.

Calli and Penny tripping Spaniards so Daisy could hex them or, failing that, crack ’em on the head with a belaying pin.

Later, back in Honolulu Auntie Rosie started a barroom brawl because it “seemed like time for one”. Well, she is Daddy’s sister, after all.

During that fight, Auntie Mary did a backflip and kicked two scurvy dogs in the faces.

Auntie Avy cast Expelliarmus on the bar and sent beer mugs flying at a big old broad who was gonna sucker punch Auntie Holly.

Molly and Silky swinging from chandeliers to land in the middle if the fight.

Later, during another raid, Roxy & Daisy & Midnight swam over to an unsuspecting British Man O’ War and used spells to cut holes in the hull.

Once the Man O’ War was in trouble, the Red Queen dropped it’s cloaking spell and attacked the ship the Man O’ War was guarding.

Auntie Caroline and Auntie Ginie cast Infrigia spells that froze big chunks of ice to the merchant’s hull.

Captain Jazz swings on board, cutlass and wand in hand and the merchant captain faints.

Later, there were parties back in Honolulu involving butterbear and wizard rum and singing bawdy songs and yes, another barroom brawl.

The gals returned from the party (which lasted a subjective five days) all laughing and singing and sporting magical tattoos that faded away after a couple of hours. They all agreed it was big fun.

I’ll post the bachelor party highlights tomorrow.

Destination Sign when we started: Highway To Hell


Destination Sign when we stopped: Road To Nowhere

Music: Pirate Punk

Vote For Ed Fettleminster!

…he’s not an asshole!

 

The Doclopedia #1,040

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: Goblins

1: Most goblins have a phobia about cheese

2: Goblins invented the spoon, but it was originally used as a weapon

3: On Fantasy Earth 2, 5, 11 and 31, goblins are the twisted opposite of dwarves

4: Goblins almost never found in deserts or icy regions. They don’t hang out at the beach much, either.

5: On Fantasy Earths 7, 14 and 45, goblins live in huge nomadic groups that ride giant chickens.

6: Divorce is almost unknown among goblins, but inter-marital homicide is very high.

7: Goblin warriors are often used as cannon fodder by ogres, hobgoblins and orcs.

8: After a big successful battle, many ogres, hobgoblins and orcs die of poisoning by goblin warriors.

9: On Fantasy Earth 6, goblins are peaceful and valued members of society.

10: Only 1 goblin in 3,000 can use magic. Oddly, they often end up as kings & queens.

The Doclopedia #1,041

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About…: Captain Steelheart

1: His heart really is made of steel. It was put into him by an old lover, a Tirkonian healer mage, when he was mortally wounded defending her.

2: He is ranked the 6th most feared pirate on the Circle Sea.

3: His ship, the “Ravager”, is one of the fastest around.

4: He is ambidextrous.

5: His pet monkeycat, Jeef, has roughly the intelligence of a 7 year old child.

6: He sometimes writes adventure fiction under the name “Sir Hanserd Kollop”.

7: Besides a mechanical heart, he also has an enchanted left ear and can hear things said a great distance (up to a mile) away.

8: He hates beets, liver and Mariskan kelp bread.

9: Most of his crew have been with him for nearly 20 years.

10: He likes to collect wine bottles, which he displays at his home on Dragonshark Isle.

Not In This Issue: Richard Nixon, Steam Powered Bicycles or Zebra Finches

…we agonized over cutting the zebra finch article

 

The Doclopedia #940

Islands Of The Circle Sea: Black Dragon Island

Despite being located a mere 200 miles off the coast of the Corcoro Empire, this island is not claimed by the Corcorites or any other government. Nor will any ship not crewed by madmen get within 20 miles of it. As the old sailors say, “if ye can see Black Dragon Island, yer too damned close”.

The black dragon that rules the island is Tuwalunga and she is just the latest in her line, which stretches back well over 900 years. Like all black dragons, she is huge (300 feet from nose to tail tip), dangerous (she can breath both fire and a deadly poison gas) and not interested in meeting any creature unless it is to eat them. Any ship that comes too close to the island will be destroyed and the crew eaten. The only other dragons that get close to the place are the few males that come there during a rare breeding season. Most of them never get out alive.

The island itself is about twelve miles ling and five miles wide. It is mostly made up of high craggy volcanoes and narrow strips of beach. Many animals and birds live there, but none are larger than a housecat. Anything larger gets eaten.

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The Doclopedia #941

Islands Of The Circle Sea: The Alandooro Archipelago

If there were ever a group of islands tailor made for pirates, it would be the 1,687 islands that make up the Alandooro Archipelago. Ranging in size from less that 100 yards across to 140 miles long by 78 miles wide, the islands also cover a range of climate zones from temperate to tropical due to the archipelago stretching over 1,800 miles from end to end. Many of these islands are quite close and the larger ones have easily navigable rivers. Such features give pirates many places to hide, which they do in large numbers at all times of the year.

The pirates are also aided in their hiding by the three kingdoms that make up the island group. To the north is Parland, home to fishermen, farmers and brewers extraordinaire. Parlanders are big friendly folks who don’t think much of the large empires and kingdoms. They do like pirates, whom they trade with and often marry their sons & daughters to. Most of the 400 islands that make up Parland are of the larger sort and they are typified by gentle rolling hills and a few forested mountains. This is at the temperate end of the archipelago.

The 682 islands that make up the middle of the archipelago form the nation of Shang. These islands are seldom larger than 50 miles and many are much smaller. About a third of them are mountainous while the rest are hilly or flat. Wildlife abounds on these islands and in the waters around them.

The Shangasi people are small, seldom standing more than 5 feet tall. Their skin is a light green and their eyes are large and almost always yellow. Both sexes wear their hail long and dress in togas of various shades of green, blue and brown.

The Shangasi are a race of mystics, scholars and storytellers who live very lightly on the land. They enjoy hearing pirate stories and telling pirates stories they have heard. Pirates who visit Shang are very respectful of the Shangasi rules and beliefs.

The final country in the Alandooro Archipelago is Lakama and it is by far the favorite among pirates looking to relax and revel. This is made very easy by the Lakaman people, who lead a laid back life punctuated by festivals, food, strong drink and sex.

The Lakamans are a tall and slender folk, brown skinned and almost universally good looking. Their mostly tropical islands are small, but very close together due to the narrowness of the southern end of the archipelago. Indeed, many islands are actually linking together thanks to very shallow seas and fast growing mangroves, boolee vines and irongrass..

Throughout these mostly flat to moderately hilly islands, the Lakamans make a living by fishing, farming and trading, all of which they do in a very relaxed manner. Festivals and parties break out at a moments notice and the islands all run on “island time”, which means things get done when they need doing, then you take a break.

Lakamans love pirates for their hard living ways and the interesting goods they bring. There are hundreds of places to hide ships and the Lakamans have made an art of doing so. Many old pirates retire to these islands.

Rice Creepies

…another cereal that never made it

 

The Doclopedia #930

The Alphabet: T

T is for…Tovanite Raiders: On the world of the Circle Sea, the Tovanite Raiders are one of the most feared pirate gangs. Using swift & small, but very tough ships, they attack in swarms of up to a dozen ships. They move towards their intended victims in an intricate pattern while laying down a constant cannon assault.

Once they board a ship, the Tovanites usually kill half the crew and all of the junior officers. This tends to make the survivors pretty docile and allow for the total looting of the ship. If the Raiders are feeling generous, they’ll leave behind a few days worth of food & water.

The Tovanite Raiders sometimes bite off more than they can chew, such as when 30 of their ships went after what appeared to be two large Molodrian merchant vessels, but were in reality a pair of Dintolian “Avenger” class warships in disguise. Only one of the Tovanite ships was left afloat, to give a warning to the rest of their fleet.

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The Doclopedia #931

The Alphabet: U

U is for…Unexpected Visitors From Outer Space: This 1961 black & white film was directed by the infamous cheapie filmmaker Harold Foonster. Noted for using slapdash scripts, has been or never will be actors, no budget effects and extensive narration that he did himself, Foonster nonetheless made money. On any given weekend. you would have been hard pressed to find a drive in not showing one of his signature triple features. Later, he sold his entire body of work to television stations at an enormous profit. Unexpected Visitors From Outer Space was the one film of the 67 that Foonster made that was actually pretty good. Today, it is praised by critics and beloved by fans of comedic science fiction movies.

In the film, a family of five aliens land near the small town of Brushy Corners, Texas, and assume human form. They enter the town and pose as distant relatives of old Mrs. Duncan, the town matriarch. From there on, the film is a slapstick romp built around the aliens trying not to be found out, the townsfolk trying to hide the fact that bootlegging is their primary business, a pair of UFO investigators attempting to prove that somebody in town is an alien and various people plotting various things with other people.

At just under two hours long, it is by far Foonster’s longest film. It also had the largest budget of any of them at $75,000.00, much of which was spent of special effects. The film made over three million dollars and the town of Rado, Texas, where it was filmed has an annual festival with showings of the movie and appearances by the actors, many of whom were locals.

Adventure Module J-1: The Temple Of The Death Cow

… it features many bovine undead

The Doclopedia #481

Seven Questions About…: Pirates

Why should I become a pirate?

Yarr, matey, th’ pirate life is th’ life o’ freedom! Why would ye be wantin’ some clerky type o’ job, sittin’ in some buildin’ all day, when ye can have th’ freedom of a good ship sailin’ hither an’ yon, lookin’ fer treasure?

What is the pay like?

As fair a question as might be ask’d! Yer pay is reckon’d on a part of th’ take from any fat merchant vessels we capture. Th’ fatter the pig, the larger yer slice o’ the bacon!

What chances are their for advancement?

Why, lad, there be excellent chances fer advancin. Folks is always leavin’ an’ dyin’ and such. Yessir, a smart young feller might just work his way up t’ Cap’n after awhile.

What will my primary job duties be?

Well now, that depends on what yer good at, don’t it? You can figger on doin’ deckhand duties or maybe workin’ in th’ riggin’ fer starters. Of course, th’ cook might need help an’ there’s the gun deck too. Naturally, there be the boardin’ ships an’ lootin’ t’ be done.

What is life like onboard ship?

Oh, there be th’ workin’ an’ stuff, but ye’ll also have time fer drinkin’ an’ gamblin’ an’ sleepin’ an’ drinkin’.

Are women able to be pirates?

Well now, ma’am, there sure are a right net full o’ wimmin pirates, but I’m obliged to point ye towards Cap’n Anne over there fer any further questions.

Where might I expect to go while serving aboard a pirate ship?

Well now, young feller, ye might end up anywhere. The Carribean, the African coasts, Asia, all over th’ Pacific…why, ye could sure ’nuff see th’ world! Now, why don’t ye have a wee bit more rum an’ think about signin’ on?

The Doclopedia #482

Seven Questions About…: Humans

Are humans smarter than we are?

Humans smarter than cats? Hahahahaha!

How easy is it to train humans?

Despite the fact that humans are rather dim bulbs, they are surprisingly easy to train. You do need to remember that they need constant reinforcement, but if you keep it up, you can train humans to do quite a few things.

Why do humans eat vegetables so often?

While we all like the odd veggie from time to time, humans do seem to eat quite a lot of them. Some cat scientists think this may be because humans are somehow related to cows and goats, although a larger group thinks they are related to dogs, which would explain quite a bit about their odd behavior.

Why can’t humans understand our language?

Again, humans are not very bright. Additionally, they seem to rely mostly on sounds and some facial expressions. Scent, stance and tail position seem to play no part in how they communicate.

How the hell do they manage to walk on just two feet?

Honestly, nobody knows, but doesn’t it make you a bit nervous and queasy to watch? Like they will fall down any minute or something.

My human does not tend to me often enough. What should I do?

Most experts recommend shitting in their shoes, sleeping areas or food areas. Loud yowling and clawing up the furniture can also be effective.

What the hell is up with humans & dogs?

Ahh, the age old question. Beyond the fact that they have similar social structures, we can only assume that stupid attracts stupid. Isn’t it a good thing that cats rule the world?