…but only the nice monkeys
Concerning the recent elections…
To the Republicans: Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, LOSERS!
To the Democrats: Do not fuck this chance up!
To President Bush and his gang of thugs: Prepare to become somebodies bitch.
To the American People: You are, by and large, still dimwitted sheep, but you managed to do the right thing this time.
To Governor Boobengrabber of California: I sincerely hope you fuck up so we can put a recall election smackdown on your ass.
The Doclopedia #91
The Undead: Bob Anderson, Vegetarian Vampire
Bob is NOT a vegetarian. He does, however, have to feed on the blood of vegetarians. Vegan’s blood is the best, but the blood of regular vegetarians is ok. Nothing pisses Bob off as much as accidentally biting a “cheater” who sneaks meat when nobody is watching.
Bob became a vampire when he was bitten by an ex-girlfriend who ran a vegetarian restaurant in Half Moon Bay, California. Now, he hangs out at trendy veggie eateries in his home town of New York City. He particularly likes vegetarians who frequent Indian and Thai restaurants. Mmmmm…spicy.
Bob is a 34 year old white guy with light brown hair, brown eyes and a slender build. His day job is being a stockbroker. His favorite music is jazz. His favorite food is busty redheaded vegans.
The Doclopedia #92
The Undead: Hammy Hamster
When the late and not at all lamented Dr. Emil Von Gruber was doing his first experiments in raising the dead, back in 1809, he started out by experimenting on various small animals. He killed them via insertion into an all nitrogen atmosphere, them immediately tried his “Reanimation Bath”. In most cases, he failed, but his final experiment on small animals was a success. He reanimated a Russian dwarf hamster. Deliriously happy, the doctor moved on to cats & dogs and, eventually, humans.
That, as we all know, ended in fire and explosions and Von Gruber being burned alive along with all of his monstrous creations. Except for the hamster, who had escaped weeks earlier and run off into the woods.
For decades, the hamster made it’s way across western Europe, finally ending up in France in 1887. It was there that he was found by a little girl who put him in a cage and fed him very tasty seeds, nuts and berries. Life was good, so he did not try to escape. In 1890, the family moved to the United States, eventually settling in California wine country. In 1898, as the little girl became distracted by boys and such, she began to neglect caring for Hammy (which was his name now), so he escaped.
For the next 70 years, Hammy roamed across Northern California. Since his reanimation had given him not only a very high healing rate, but strength far beyond his size, predators were not much of a problem. Well, unless you were a wildlife biologist wondering what had eaten it’s way OUT of a fox or bobcat or coyote.
In 1968, Hammy was wandering through San Francisco when he was found by a stoned hippie named Axel. Axel thought the little guy was cute and cool, so he took him home and set him up in a nice big aquarium and feed him well. Hammy liked that and remained Axel’s pet for 30 years. Axel was stoned most of that time and it never occurred to him that Hammy had far outlived any regular hamster.
Eventually, Hammy got bored and escaped. You see, living nearly 200 years had also let him get a bit smarter that other hamsters. He wanted to get back to the great outdoors.
As of this writing, Hammy is down around Santa Cruz, living in the woods. He is 197 years old and just barely beginning to show some aging. He will probably not live more than another 80 years.