It’s National Buy A Blogger A Beer Day!

…I prefer stouts and porters.

The Doclopedia #1,391

Potion Ingredients: The Tears Of The Clown

We all know that the God of Terror most often takes the form of a clown whose name we shall not speak here. He…It…is a horrific creature and has rightfully been stripped of most of his former power by the other gods.

This does not mean he is weak. Far from it. He still manifests in small towns to prey upon children and adults. His need to feed upon their fear is endless.

His weakness is that he requires at least three worshipers to call him to a likely town using a ritual murder. This always takes place about two miles outside of town in an old abandoned house or a small clearing in the woods.

For reasons unknown to even the God of Terror, these murders always cause a small spring to bubble up from the ground where the victim died. The springs never get very large, with most being about three inches deep and a foot or two across. They last exactly a year, then dry up.

It is from these springs that you can gather up the Tears of the Clown. However, the utmost care must be taken not to get any of the water on your bare skin. To do so causes hallucinations and madness, so be very careful.

The Tears of the Clown will sell for at least 1,000 gold pieces per ounce.

 

While My Guitar Gently Meeps

…it’s a muppet guitar

The Doclopedia #1,390

Potion Ingredients: Piko Root

Like many other sought after and expensive ingredients, Piko Root demands a high price because it is such a bloody pain in the arse to get to. It is not at all rare in the high valley it grows in, but you’ll travel over 3,000 miles to find that out.

The Piko Bush is a small, low growing evergreen with bright green foliage. In the spring and summer, it produces clusters of small red berries that are popular with hungry birds. The best time to harvest the roots is early fall. Do not take more than a third of the roots, so as to allow the plant to survive the winter.

As to getting to the Donhexian Valley where the Piko Bushes grow, you must join a caravan heading east along the Grand Road. After crossing and hopefully surviving the Great Central Desert, you will arrive at Tradetown, on the banks of the River of the Gods. Book passage on a barge heading south to Canipas and you are halfway there. From Canipas, hire a ship to take you to the mouth of the River Jurr, then follow it upstream for about 200 miles until you ascend into the high mountains. You will know you are near the Donhexian Domain when you start seeing skulls on posts.

The Ice Cream Dwarves And The Candy Gnomes Go To War

…over caramel or peanuts or something

The Doclopedia #1,388

Potion Ingredients: Troll Sperm

Contrary to popular wisdom, only the very largest and very smallest trolls reproduce by splitting in two, with a new troll growing from each half. All of the other trolls mate like the majority of humanoids do. The trick then is how to get sperm from a male troll without getting killed.

You cannot cast an illusion strong enough to convince a troll to shag some sort of receptacle, nor can you build a convincing enough fake female troll. No, you will have to deal with a real female troll. We suggest the Red Troll species, since the females are far smarter than any other trolls. For a price, you can probably get her to gather a good amount of sperm during the annual breeding season.

Make sure you have her place it in glass jars with tight fitting lids, then pour essence of goldflower over each one. Store in a cool dry place until you get it to market. You should have no trouble getting 200 gold pieces per jar.

The Doclopedia #1,389

Potion Ingredients: Dungeon Blood Dust

Should you find yourself deep in a dungeon, as I am told more than a few adventuring folk do, you should keep your eyes open for this popular potion ingredient.

Comprised not of the actual blood of any creature, this scarlet dust is actually the dormant spores of Rust Monster Fungus, a type of fungus that infects and can even kill these annoying creatures.

The spores are completely harmless to any other creatures, so the actual act of scooping it up is simple. Of course, getting to it, then escaping the dungeon may be another matter.

You should expect to get about 75 gold pieces per ounce, although prices fluctuate in cities with a large Adventurers Guild.

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I Have A Very Large Duck

…no, wait…goddamn it, spellcheck!

The Doclopedia #1,387

Potion Ingredients: Ankaski Rainbow Sand

The island of Ankaski lies 700 miles off the coast of the southern Draan Empire. It is 97 miles long and from 5 to 50 miles wide. A tropical island, it is home to many deadly beasts both large and small. The sea around it teams with creature like the Greater Sea Drake, Crab Turtles, Flying Sharks and Bloodkelp. No sailing ship could survive the voyage there, even if by some miracle you found a captain and crew willing to try.

So, how does one get to the volcano at the north end of the island that produces this sand, which is the most expensive potion ingredient in the world?

You fly there.

About one in five expeditions to the island return and all of them used flight to get there and come home. People have used flight belts, trained hippogriffs, skyships, magic carpets and, in one case, an ensorceled young dragon.

Of course, getting the sand means dodging hungry beasts and possibly molten lava, but if you get back home and sell it for upwards of 5,000 gold pieces per ounce to alchemists and wizards who will fight like dogs for it, you’ll swear it was worth the trouble.

Confessions of a Time Traveler

Woodstock

I, along with my wife, assorted friends and dogs, have been to the Woodstock Music and Arts Fair in our universe 6 times. Most of us cannot go again because of the annoying fact that if you are too close to yourself in the past, it is dangerous.

The effects don’t occur until you are within about 100 feet of yourself, but they start with a bad headache. Get a bit closer and you get a blinding headache and a nosebleed. Get closer still and you’ll probably have a stroke and die. So, with 6 of us at Woodstock for 3 days, we’ve just about reached the safe limit. Still, we had a great time every time we went.

Now, I need to qualify that “great time” statement. Unlike most of the attendees, we did not have to stand/walk/camp/have sex in the mud. We had a nice stable wormhole that transported us into the Bus anytime we wanted to eat, sleep, use the bathroom or whatever. The Bus was parked in a wooded area 56 miles from the concert.

The big question people have is why, if there are multiple versions of us there, they don’t see us in a single photo or film footage. Well, the answer is, you do see us! We all used a different android body each time, so we are actually in dozens of photos and shots from the movie.

The second question we get is “How was it?”, and the answer is GREAT! So much incredible music in one spot! On one trip, we even hung out behind the stage and met some of the performers. I killed a bottle of wine with Keith Moon of The Who. My friend Spike had his picture taken with Jimi Hendrix. It was very cool.

The third most asked question is, “Did you fuck around trying to change history?” and the answer is “Of course!”


We replaced the brown acid with windowpane. We changed the weather to sunny and warm all weekend. We made sure that all the equipment worked. We got about 100,000 more folks to the concert, including 15.5 year old me all the way from California. We got Led Zeppelin, Jethro Tull, Bob Dylan, Procul Harum and The Doors to perform. Tried three times to get Frank Zappa there, but he refused each time. We…well, we did a bunch of things that spun off several new realities. It was fun.

So, if you ever get a time machine, I highly recommend going to Woodstock. And if you meet a tall thin white guy with red hair…or a short African American woman wearing a “WEED!” t-shirt…or a chubby kind of nebbishy looking Jewish guy going prematurely bald…or a big Italian biker with a scar across the left side of his face…or an 18 year old blonde hippie girl with silver gogo boots on…or a 25 year old version of me, say hello. They’re all me.

 

The Rare And Beautiful Nervous Bison Of Potawango Island

…they’re a neurotic mess

 

The Doclopedia #1,386

Potion Ingredients: Death Flower Petals

Collecting the petals of Death Flowers is a thing done only by the very strong of will and stomach, since they only take root and bloom in the blood drenched soil of a very large and recent battle.

The seeds of Death Flowers are transported from one battlefield to the next by carrion birds. Once dropped on the bloody soil, the seed germinates within 12 hours. About 48 hours later, the first flowers appear and are pollinated by flies that land on them. By the end of a week, the rotting corpses have feed the flowers well and they will release seeds. For the next few weeks, this cycle repeats.

For those who can stand to do it, collecting Death Flower petals is simple, easy and sure to make money. Both necromancers and druids will pay up to five silvers per ounce for the petals. No special storage is needed, but be sure to not let them dry out.

Murder With A Side Of Hash Browns And A Cup Of Coffee

…black coffee, black as a bad dame’s soul

 

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The Doclopedia #1,385

Potion Ingredients: Chimera Dung


When gathering this very useful ingredient, one must get is very fresh. Still steaming, if possible. Naturally, the person or persons doing the gathering should be very adept at stealthy movement, very tough and very fast on their feet. A strong constitution coupled with a poor sense of smell would not be a bad idea, either. The dung, which can weigh up to 5 pounds, should ideally be collected in an unbroken state, but as Hralji the Lame once put it, “Fat chance of that!”. Regardless, it must go into a large jar that has had the interior of both jar and lid coated in beeswax.

Fresh Chimera dung can fetch prices as high as 100 gold pieces per pound and has a ready market in most large cities. It is a key ingredient in potions such as Dual Form, Fire Breath and Protection Against Minor Undead.