It’s All Fun And Games Until Mr. Kraznisky Starts To Go Blind

…it was temporary, but still,,,

 

The Doclopedia #1,069

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: Dragon Mountain Inn

On Earth 33-F, the world was conquered by China in the year 800 AD. This was helped by the fact that Earth 33-F is a magical world, but Chinese magic was the strongest by far. Now, the world very much Chinese and there are many sacred and magical sites to which pilgrims, scholars and the just plain curious go. One such place is Dragon Mountain, located where Mount Washington, New Hampshire would be in our world. Atop it (or maybe inside it) live the Mother & Father of All Dragons. Why the hell people go see them is a mystery, but those who go always stop at the Dragon Mountain Inn.

The inn is large and built of the granite this area is famous for. Inside are sleeping rooms , dining rooms, a temple, baths, a drinking room and even a library. Next to the inn are stables and a healer’s hut. Just across the road is a shrine full of items left by those who have made the journey.

The owners and staff of the inn are gracious, efficient and skilled at their jobs. Rates are much cheaper in the winter months, when only the desperate or insane go up the mountain.

The inn is located about halfway up the mountain, exactly 100 steps from the line that the dragons burned around the mountain to mark where their territory begins.

Note: Only about 1 in 5 people who go up Dragon Mountain ever come back down. Those who do are often quite different, both physically and mentally, from when they went up.

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #1,070

Saloons, Bars & Pubs: The Jungle Room

From: Doc Tempest

To: All Agents

Date: June 1, 1936

I am happy to report that renovations to the Jungle Room, located in Los Angeles and formerly owned by the late Angelo “Hammers” Carbone, are completed and it is now under our control. It will have a gala opening on June 10th.

Management of the Jungle Room is being handled by one of our best repurposed former criminals, Salvatore “Icepick Sal” Rosetti. Sal is sparing no expense in making the Jungle Room the place for both the famous and infamous to meet.

The dancers in the nightly “Jungle Drums” review are all Agents, mostly from here in the US, but also including several from our African operation. They are under the direction of Dr. Joshua Franklin, whom many of you know from his work against the Ku Klux Klan. He now goes by the name of “Doozie Hulbert” and appears in the review as a witch doctor. I’m told he is thoroughly enjoying preparing for life on the stage. He will also be handling things in the sub-basement laboratory.

The waitstaff and cigarette girls are all graduates of our Academy and include Miss Polly North, our 1935 Female Shooting Competition winner. Our head chef is non other than retired Colonel Gerard Denis, recently retired from both the La Sûreté Nationale and our European operation. He is an excellent chef.

Agents working the Los Angeles area are urged to visit the Jungle Room on a regular basis, especially those of you with high end cover identities

Attached, please find a list of all secrets entrances, passwords, weapons/equipment stashes and other relevant information.

Good Luck!

James Tempest

Handsome Joe And His Pals Watch TV

…mostly, Animal Planet

 

The Doclopedia #964

Weights & Measures: 5 Pounds Genre: Fantasy

Yes, my apprentice, this Sword of Dragon Slaying does weigh exactly five pounds. A full pound of that is the golden inlay of runes that impart an Eversharp Blade to it, while the Jewels of Enhanced Speed in the pommel weigh a quarter pound all by themselves. Oh, no, the actual Dwarven Steel weighs much less than you would think. It seems the Gnomes, after many explosions and several non fatal maimings, devised a process by which the Dwarves could make the steel twice as strong with half the weight. Amazing stuff, really, as I was telling One Eyed Lefty Gnomingomer the other day.

The customer? Oh, that would be Duke Ringust Lantero of Lantieri. If ever there were a man and sword that had a chance at killing the Great Dragon of Tuuv, it is he and this sword. Even so, I give him a 50/50 chance at best. Have you ever heard that dragon described? 200 feet long from nose to tail and breathes White Fire! No, my shillings are on the dragon, lass.”

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #965

Weights & Measures: 10 Cubic Centimeters Genre: Pulp

It wasn’t much to look at, being a mere cube of metal with a few wires protruding, but Doc Tempest, Sally Smithfield and the rest of the crew knew that it had been the “brains” of the giant robot ape that Hurricane Hampstead had used to terrorize Govunga while he had been going after the diamonds in the lost temple.

Boy,” Sally said, “I’d sure like to get a look inside that to see how it works.” She was intensely interested in how Professor Grave had packed so much information into such a small space.

Doc nodded. “So would I, Sally, but I’m pretty sure trying to cut it open would destroy it. Still, we can x-ray it and run it through a few other processes. Maybe that will tell us something.”

It’s a shame Professor Grove chose to die with Hampstead, trying to get those diamonds.” Sally would never understand people who placed greed above science.

Doc placed the small cube into a padded case, which he then shut and locked.

Greed is a sickness of the mind, Sally. It has cost countless lives through the ages. That’s why we must fight to conquer it.”

With that, the seven of them walked back to their airship and set to getting it ready for the trip back to San Francisco.

Behold! Groob, The Terror From The Recycle Bin!

…not a real monster from an old Marvel comic

 

NOTE: For ease of transferring these posts over to my website, I’m going to start including genre tags.

 

The Doclopedia #958

Alt. Zombies: Giant Zombies         Genre: Horror, Fantasy

It was good that Wizard Nooba Bovarn got out of the Seven Kingdoms as fast as she could after the accident, because if she had stayed, she would have been permanently polymorphed into a dungworm. As it is, she just has to avoid all of the bounty hunters looking to bring her in alive for that two wagon loads of gold that is offered for her capture.

Nooba was always a somewhat dim sort for a Wizard, but really, dumping 200 gallons of a flawed Potion of Gigantism into Skwix Creek, which runs into the Swamp of the Undead? Stupid doesn’t cover that sort of error.

So yes, when 50 huge rotting zombies, each at least 30 feet tall, came out of the swamp searching for humanoid flesh, Nooba started packing her Bags of Fantastic Capacity. By the time they started ravaging the kingdoms, she was probably heading over the Lacewood Mountains on the express coach to Golvania or Atar Dalse. If she has any brains at all, she’ll keep going until she gets to Moonport, then take a fast ship to some far off land.

Fortunately, the Potion of Gigantism wore off after about three days and the zombies were quickly dispatched. Damage to property was enormous and there were at least 340 deaths. Thank the Goddess that it was easy to see and smell a 30 foot tall zombie coming or there might have been thousands of deaths.

Ah, I see that 19 more bounty hunters have signed on, bringing the total to 67. I am hopeful they will bring that idiot Nooba back to face justice soon.

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #959

Alt. Zombies: Chimera Zombies         Genre: Horror, Pulp

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. America and all the ships at sea…Dateline New York City: The evil Doctor Bogenbroom has unleashed an army of undead horrors upon the city! These foul creatures are a horrid mixture of human and animal. They are fast moving and out for the brains of any living human they can catch. Those not killed, but merely bitten, soon die and then change into some chimerical horror. Fortunately for us all, Doc Tempest and his associates, backed up by the military and the New York Police Department, are destroying these hellish creatures even as they search for Bogenbroom’s secret lab. This reporter personally witnessed Doc and David Smalley-Smoot shooting nearly a dozen zombies in the head, the only known way to instantly kill them. Thank God for these great heroes!”

Swimming Up The River of Madness

…but you never realize it

 

The Doclopedia#72

Guardians: The Guardian of the Eye

 

Deep in the uncharted jungles of southeast asia, carved from the living rock of a mountain, is a statue of the Great God Aggamar and set in his forehead is the All Seeing Eye of Aggamar. The jungle folk and the priests of Aggamar all believe that it is a very powerful magical item that allows Aggamar to watch over them.

In reality, the All Seeing Eye of Aggamar is a ruby the size of a bowling ball that is set in the forehead of the huge statue. Regardless of whether it has magical powers, it is worth a boatload of cash. IF you can locate the area, get there through deadly jungles, get past the jungle folk (who just happen to eat foreign human meat when they can get it), get past the fanatical priests (who never all sleep at the same time and are armed with weapons and maybe magic), get past the traps that are set up all around the statue, CLIMB the 350 foot tall statue and get the Eye…

…the Guardian will probably kill you anyway.

The Guardian is a mutant creature, part man, part reptile. It is strong, tough, quick and has a poisonous bite. It also stands 10 feet tall and has long sharp claws. It cannot be reasoned with and it will probably eat you after it kills you.

But what the heck, might as well give it a try. That ruby would sure as heck pay the bills for a long time to come.