Confessions Of A Used Turtle Salesman

…143 weeks on the New York Times Worst Seller List

Ok…I saw this halfwitted meme over on cappadocius LJ and decided to give my answers.

The Controversial (if you are a fucking moron) Survey

[01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?

Well, considering that I’m doing it, yes.

[02] Would you do meth if it was legalized?

Child, I tried meth before your mama grew her tits. Once. No, I would NOT do it if it were legalized. HOWEVER, I would support its legalization, since that would lead to many stupid people dying at an early age.

[03] Abortion: for or against it?

I’m for it. In fact, for many of the worthless people (white trash, racists of all colors, multi-genrational welfare scammers, neocons, Holocaust deniers, 99% of the alleged “religious right”, really stupid people) in the world, I’m in favor of making it retroactive.

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female president?

The “world” does not have a president at all, you dipshit. As to a female American president, I ask you: How could she possibly fuck things up worse than Bush has? Well, unless she was a Republican.

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty?

YES! Oh, HELL YES! In fact, I think it should be extended to child molesters, drug pushers, crooked politicians, the motherfuckers who run the RIAA, neocons and people who truly give a shit about Paris Hilton or Britney Spears.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?

Yep, altho I wouldn’t be using it. I always preferred hasish anyway.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex?

I’m for it. And the during marriage sex is pretty damned good, too. Can’t speak about the after marriage sex, since I’d rather have my dick fall off than screw my ex-wife.

[08] Do you believe in God?

If you mean the God of Christianity/Judaism/Islam, then no. The whole big invisible man in the sky concept doesn’t fly with me. I do, however, find myself hoping that either Coyote or the Flying Spaghetti Monster are real. That would be cool.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?

Yes, because marriage in the United States is a legal contract and has no ties with religion unless the two people involved want it to. My wife and I (a former Catholic and a die hard agnostic, respectively) were married by a justice of the peace, not a preacher. Religion never entered the picture.

[10] Do you think it’s wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?

Yep and I think we ought to just annex Mexico and toss out their crooked piece of shit government. Oh, by the way, did you know that in Mexico, they have a huge problem with those damned illegal Guatamalans taking their jobs?

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?

Probably not, but then, the motherfucker who knocked her up should be shot if he’s more than 4 years her senior. By the way, I also don’t think MOST people should breed. 6 billion is way too many people.

[12] Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?

Yes. Old enough to serve in the military, old enough to drink legally.

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off?

Called off? You stupid fuck.
Now, should we pull out and tell the whole Middle East to fuck off? Yes.

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?

No. I think death with dignity is a person’s right.
I’m also pretty much in favor of assisted homicide, if the target is one of the many useless/crooked scum I’ve listed earlier.

[15] Do you believe in spanking your children?

If I had children, maybe. Do I believe in spanking willing women who ask very nicely for a spanking? Maybe:)

[16] Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?

For a million bucks, I’d snap your neck like a dry twig, fool. Burning the flag would be no problem.

[17] Who do you think would make a better president? McCain or Obama?

Mr. Obama, because he’s not an ancient serial adulterer.

[18] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?

If anybody wants to judge me, I can’t stop them. Fuck ’em all.