Mr. Porkwaffle Exhibits His Duck At The Fair

…and the duck, one Hamlet by name, wins the Grand Prize

 

Shame on you if you thought “exhibits his duck” was a euphemism. Today, we finally end the Rings & Things theme. I may start a new theme shortly.

 

The Doclopedia #981

Rings & Things: The Other Ring Genre: Fantasy, Humor

So, we all know the story of how the little hairy footed guy had to go on a long and dangerous trek so he could fling an evil ring into an active volcano and thereby destroy a really evil Dark Lord, right? Hell, they made movies about it.

But did you know there was another ring that looked just like that ring? Well, there was! Oh, sure, it didn’t try to warp your mind or make you evil, but it did other stuff. No, it didn’t make you invisible and make the rest of the world look all strange and it sure as hell didn’t attract powerful undead guys.

No, this ring was made by that Dark Lord’s younger brother, Tom, and it did things like help you find great pancakes and give you nice smelling feet and protect you from stepping in cow patties. It could also cause you to find lost socks and would make your tomatoes grow larger. No undead sought it out, but it did tend to attract songbirds and chipmunks.

For a very long time, this other ring was on the finger of a statue in the town square of a small city that was far north of all that trouble caused by that bad ring. I mean, it was there for a good 500 years, until the statue got hit by lightning and fell over. At that point, the ring came off and rolled into the nearby grass where it was found two years later by a guy named Duffy who put it on and then had a pretty darned good life because he really liked pancakes. After that, it was passed down in his family for 350 more years until it accidentally got dropped into a glass of milk, which destroyed it.

Ok, so not nearly as exciting a story, but I’ll bet that little hairy footed guy would have really like having nice smelling feet.

Possible Stanley, Amy The Chick & Happy McDevitt Go Out On The Town

…first stop: the Bop De Bop Lounge

 

The Doclopedia #980

Rings & Things: Ring Roads

On the Changed Earth, where magic has returned and exists alongside technology, every municipality is surrounded by a Ring Road that not only sets the city boundaries, but keeps out hostile creatures and sentients both human and otherwise. In California, Ring Roads keep out many creatures, but especially the California Grizzly Bear, males of which can be half again larger than Polar Bears. Australia, they keep out Bunyips and other creatures from Aboriginal legend.

Due to the drastic reduction of automobiles on Changed Earth, most Ring Roads are only two lanes wide. The most frequent motor traffic are the Anibuss (Catbuses, Dogbuses, Bunnybuses) and electric motorcycles.

Ring Roads are never black or dark gray, like ordinary roads. Instead, they are sandy colored, light gray, light blue and various shades of brown.

Chapter 811: In Which Our Hero, After Saving The Queen From The Dastardy Duke, Rejoins His Merry Pirate Crew

…and overindulges in rum

 

The Doclopedia #978

Rings & Things: The Great Ring Station Of The Paa’Laan

The Great Ring Station was a space station built by the Paa’Laan race who lived on Altair 3, 4 and 5 three thousand years ago. The station was huge, fully 5,500 miles in circumference and 450 miles wide in the interior living space. Light is provided by huge panels that exactly mimic sunlight. The ecology is representative of all of the ecosystems on Altair 3, the homeworld of the Paa’Laan. When finally settled, two million Paa’Laani were living on the station.

Designed to provide a home for miners/scientists working in the area of Altair 11, the station was pushed out into interstellar space when Paa’Laani scientists accidentally blew up their sun. Amazingly, the Great Ring Station suffered no damage and only nobody in or near the station died. The GRS has now been drifting through space for just over 2,200 years at a speed of roughly 100,000 miles per hour. Life has gone on and there have been surprisingly few problems.

It is estimated that the GRS will enter the small Doogoln star system in another 768 years, at which point the GRS will have to be slowed down and decisions will need to be made about settling on Doogoln 4.

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The Doclopedia #979

Rings & Things: The Two Amber Rings

If you should find these two rings in a dungeon or ruins or dragon horde (yeah, good luck with that last one), do NOT put one or both of them on! The moment you do that, one ring stays on you and the other will appear in the finger of the nearest other sentient humanoid. After that, you will switch bodies at random times, usually the WORST random times. You’ll also start to go crazy after a few days, because it will get hard to remember which body is really yours.

The only way to break the curse is for both of you to cut off your ring hands and burn them with a Fireball spell. That doesn’t destroy the rings, because they just teleport off somewhere else for some other poor bastard to find.

Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. My nickname wasn’t always Lefty, laddo.