Golden Weevils

…I have no idea where that came from

 

The Doclopedia #1,139

Road Signs: Steep Grade

On Smart Earth, where education is mandatory everywhere and most folks have 3-4 degrees, you’ll often see this road sign as you drive the last mile to one of the more exclusive universities. It references the fact that if you have less that a B+ average after the first semester, you’ll probably get kicked out. At the end of the second semester, it better be an A average or they’ll start calling you “the slow student”.

The Doclopedia #1,140

Bad Dogs: Amelia, The Irish Setter

On DogEarth, there are some pretty bad dogs. Amelia O’Barker is one such canine. Born in Ireland, she came to the United States at age 5 and immediately started up a gang of the toughest bitches she could find. Before long, they were deep into extortion, gambling, drugs and a host of other rackets.

Amelia rules with an iron paw and enforces her rule via “The Big Girls”, three Saint Bernard sisters who strike fear into the hearts of everyone they meet. These enforcers are thought to be responsible for several murders and at least a dozen forced neuterings of members of the “West Boston Growlers” gang.

Amelia O’Barker is a 10 year old Irish Setter. Her fur is deep red with blond highlights. She usually wears gray business suits and has a nickel sized notch in her left ear. She has a pronounced Dublin accent.

The Doclopedia #1,141

Bad Dogs: Doctor Petey

Of all the evil masterminds on DogEarth, Doctor Petey is the most feared. A master of planning, he uses his insanely loyal followers and high tech gadgets to take whatever he wants, spreading fear and destruction along the way. He has several secret lairs around the world, with his favorite being the one beneath New York City.

Doctor Petey started out as Petey Wagtail, a genius pup born to poor Staffordshire Terrier parents in San Francisco in 1922. By the age of 4, he had started down the path of evil and was soon gathering up the funds and technology he would need to launch an attack on the law abiding world.

 

The only reason Doctor Petey has not conquered the world by now is that he has been thwarted at every turn by the likes of Mystery Hound, Lois Woofer of the FBI and Agent 333 of Her Majesties Secret Service. These do-gooders and their associates always seem to gain the upper hand at the last moment.

 

Doctor Petey is a 12 year old Staffordshire Terrier with a mostly white coat that has black spots in a few places. He usually dresses in expensive suits and wears a monocle in his left eye. He effects a German accent, but is not German at all. He is often accompanied by his right hand man, Max, a miniature poodle. In his spare time, Doctor Petey enjoys fine food & wines, building deathtraps and dropping enemies into a tank full of sharks.

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Chapter 411: In Which Our Hero, Assisted By A Hermit And A Small Pig, Infiltrates A French Castle

… he stole a pie, the baron’s daughter and the Secret Plans

 

The Doclopedia #1,137

Road Signs: Scenic Drive

In the reality often referred to as “the Squishy Universe”, space can and does fold in on itself on the local level. This can make a drive of 500 miles take less than 10 minutes or make a trip to the corner store a 3 day event.

In some instances, folds along a stretch of road will take you into and out of different locations on the planet. One of the most famous is a 10 kilometer bit of road in Yorkshire, UK, that takes travelers through 16 different areas on 4 continents. Among the sights seen are the Arizona desert, rural northern Quebec, Singapore and the northern Andes. Guide books are available at the visitors center just after you see the sign.


The Doclopedia #1,138

 

Road Signs: Watch For Deer

 

Bet your ass you’ve gotta watch for deer, buddy! Since the animals all became sentient, those damned deer have been getting revenge on all of their ancestors that were hit by cars.

You get up there outside of Boise heading north and the deer like to roll rocks down the hill onto the highway. The rocks aren’t really big, so hardly anybody gets killed, but they fuck up hundreds of cars every year.

Then there’s that spot down in east Texas where the deer have learned how to toss broken glass and stuff on the road. I was hauling a load of hogs through there and got two flats. While I was waiting for the repair truck, the fucking deer turned loose the hogs!

So yeah, you see a Watch For Deer sign, you be on the lookout for trouble.”

The Mysterious Affair Of The Cat In Broad Daylight

…ok, so it wasn’t so mysterious

 

The Doclopedia #1,136

Road Signs: Lodging Ahead

This sign can be seen along the Old Forest Road in south eastern Valduria. Since this road is barely patrolled by the Royal Army and is often plagued by bandits, a traveler seeing this sign will feel great relief.

About a mile past the sign, one comes to a good sized log building set back a few yards from the road. Inside are Mr. & Mrs. Boodrin and their two sons and daughter. They are a wonderfully pleasant family who provide clean rooms and good food at a fair price. Laundry service and hot baths are extra.

Now at this point, you might be thinking that the Boodrins will turn out to be cannibals or murderous thieves or some such, but nothing could be further from the truth. They are really the nice folks they seem to be. You are perfectly safe in their inn.

Unfortunately, their two cats, Angus and Porto are actually Cat Demons and will kill any lone traveler once they leave the inn and get a mile or two down the road. The Boodrins are totally unaware of this.