Not In This Issue: Skunks, Monks or Drunks

…however, we do have some punks

 

The Doclopedia #963

Weights & Measures: 15.75 Light Years Genre: Science Fiction

That is exactly how far away the earth-like planet Cormish 4 is from Earth. It is also exactly how far Doctor Fred Cormish and the crew of the “Krazy Katey” (named after his 6 year old granddaughter) teleported in order to explore the planet and the Cormish solar system. Despite the idea of teleporting an entire starship and a crew of 200 across that distance being poopooed by most scientists and politicians, the US military funded it and the whole thing went off without a hitch.

Cormish 4 was found to be one of two human habitable planets in the 12 planet system. It was the “warm one” and Cormish 5 was the “cool one”. Both had thriving ecosystems and sentient life forms at about the Bronze Age level. Contact with the sentients was not made on the first trip, but many samples of indigenous plant & animal life were collected using robots. Robots also collected copious mineral samples.

When the Krazy Katey returned on May 11, 2105…two years after it left…the worldwide news media covered little else. Dr. Cormish won the Nobel Prize in Physics and several of his crew also won major science prizes. After doing interviews for nearly a month straight, the Dr. and his crew spent the next two years analyzing their samples. After that, they spent another two years preparing for their second trip to Cormish 4.

As of today, three trips to the Cormish System have been made and a voyage to the newly discovered Molkar System is planned for next year.

It’s All Fun & Games Until You Rub The Magic Lamp

…so, be careful with that

 

The Doclopedia #960

Weights & Measures: 34.25 Pounds       Genre: Science Fiction, Humor

This was the combined weight of the five alien robots that came to Earth from Pollux 2 aboard a spacecraft that was roughly the size of a double decker bus. Once their ship had landed just outside of Kalamazoo, Michigan, they began building several sculptures out of found objects. These sculptures depicted humans doing all manner of sexual acts, from the mild & ordinary to the very kinky & possibly gravity defying. After about a week, the robots finished their artistic endeavor and allowed scientists to measure and study them for several hours. At 6:21 pm, they got back aboard their ship and took off.

The sculptures proved to be indestructible and are now a major tourist attraction.

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The Doclopedia #961

Weights & Measures: 17 Meters             Genre: Science Fiction

This was roughly the length of the prehistoric saltwater crocodile that was released from an eons long slumber in a cavern in Northern Australia. Before he made his way into the ocean and headed towards India, he killed and ate 22 people, 9 dogs, 5 head of cattle and an unknown number of smaller crocs.

By the time the giant reptile reached India, he had grown to 20 meters long. Upon arriving on the southern Indian coast, he promptly ate 7 humans and a cow before swimming up a river. Over the next 15 days, the croc ate more humans and other creatures before a team of scientists lured him onto dry land and fed him sedative laced goats. Monitored constantly by veterinarians, he was transported to his new home in a huge enclosure near a seaside resort community.

The croc, now named Rex, is jointly owned by Australia and India and is probably the most studied animal in history. He seems to have finally stopped growing at 23 meters long.

It’s All Fun & Games Until You Cast The Wrong Spell

…and “Nuclear Flatulence” is ALWAYS the wrong spell!

 

The Doclopedia #932

The Alphabet: V

V is for…Violence Suppressor: From the New York Times, May 7th, 1886: Doctor Karellan has invented the Miracle of Our Age in his Violence Suppressor! His recent demonstrations in the Bronx and Manhattan have proven that his device is a godsend. When switched on, all violence within the area of effect, which our reporters determined was roughly three miles across, dropped within hours to nearly zero. Even the most deranged maniacs and hardened criminals became as docile as lambs. It is theorized that prolonged exposure to the vibrations produced by the device will even repair the minds of the insane.

This paper predicts that within the year, the good doctor will be installing these devices, which run on a slight amount of electricity, in cities across the nation and around the world. A new day has dawned and soon mankind will be free of the scourge of our violent urges!

From the New York Times, September 27th, 1898: Reports from the Army and Washington say that levels of violence and madness have dropped back down to pre-1886 levels in most areas of the nation. The number of dead and incarcerated will be tallied up soon, but is expected to number in the hundreds of thousands. Similar reports are coming in from around the world.

Shortly before his death from grievous wounds, Doctor Karellan stated that he had no idea or indication that heavy solar activity would shut down his Violence Suppressors, which had, up until two years ago, made this world such a better place.

Spider And Blondie Encounter Cattle And Goats

…in the middle of the night in the rain

The Doclopedia #925

The Alphabet: O

O is for…Orbital Eye: Science has no explanation for the Orbital Eye that circles Earth 87. It is known to have entered out solar system sometime in 1966 and reached Earth on March 7, 1969. It orbits at an altitude of 1,000 miles and alters its orbital path a couple of times a day. In the course of a couple of months, it looks at every spot on the planet. The Eye is 100 miles across and is a living entity of some sort. It appears to subsist on solar energy. It will let spacecraft get within 50 miles of it, but will move away rapidly if they get any closer.

The Eye has never done anything but look down upon the planet, but it has had a profound effect on science, politics, popular culture and especially religion. There are at least 90 new religions that worship it. Most of them are cults. On July 23, 1998, the Eye blinked twice in the course of 5 minutes. Several religious leaders declared that the end of the world was near because the Eye was getting ready to fire a heat ray. Of course, this never happened.