The Rare And Beautiful 27 Spotted Barking Hamster Of Potawango Island

…they don’t bark very loudly, but they do it often.

The Doclopedia #1,184

Send In The Clowns: Azgoloth, The Last Clown

From the diary of Diana Turner Late Spring, 2058? Dear Diary, I don’t think I’ll last much longer. Haven’t eaten in three days. Last night I was on the mountain top, huddled in a big crack in the rocks and I could see him, miles away, destroying what was left of a small town. He must be 500 feet tall now and he’s still seeking us out. I haven’t seen a sign of another human in 3 months. Diary, I’m going to wrap you in plastic and foil and leave you here. I’ll put my phone with you, so maybe the spacers can find you if they ever come back to Earth. Once you’re tucked away, I’m going down off the mountain and heading for the coast. It’s 200 miles away and I may not make it, but I’m going to try. Now, a message for any Spacers who find this. His name is Azgoloth. He calls himself The Last Clown. He’s a demonic alien or something and he came into being in the winter of 2055, just a few months after the big 15th anniversary celebration for the Lunar Colony and the opening of the L5 Colony. Back then, he was just a normal sized clown who was killing folks in little out the way small towns. That only lasted about two months. Then, he slaughtered and ate 300 people, the entire population, of Smith Corners, Arkansas. That took him 6 weeks and by the time he was done, he was 9 feet tall. I was a reporter for Net News Now and I saw what he had done in Smith Corners. He ate them, leaving very few pieces behind, then he burned the town to the ground. It was horrible. Three days later he hit Grover, Arkansas, a town of 2,000. The police and military tried to stop him, but he seems to be immune to all weapons. Later, when he was 150 feet tall and destroying Paris, France, they tried using a nuclear weapon on him. He never even stopped laughing. When he was attacking Calcutta, he began releasing the Madness fever. People got sick, then turned into insane flesh eating psychos. They lived for months, spreading the disease until two thirds of the world’s remaining population was infected. Then, Azgoloth summoned them to him. He feasted upon them for months, mostly in China, but later as he went about destroying more of civilization As you know, he cannot leave the Earth. You out there in space are safe from him, as is any species NOT human here planetside. You wouldn’t want to be here anyway. Before I had to go on the run, I interviewed a man in Mexico who told me that Azgoloth was called into being by radical End Times Christians who wanted to hurry the Rapture along. Apparently, they needed to think of something for him to take the form of and some idiot thought of a clown. It is thought that once the last human on Earth is gone, he will leave our dimension for his own, never to return unless summoned again. I’m guessing that if you find this, he will have been gone quite a while, but make 100% sure of it. I’ll end this now. Good luck and goodbye.

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The Seasonally Cheery, Yet Really Rather Darkly Foreboding, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Strange Case Of The Reindeer’s Nose

… featuring her younger cousin, Mabel Maroon

 

The Doclopedia #1,182

Send In The Clowns: Stabby, The Killer Clown

Stabby (real name: John Stabakowski) was a deranged young many from Encino, California, who wanted nothing more in life than to be a beloved children’s birthday party clown. Unfortunately, his choice of “Stabby” as a clown name, along with his black and red clown outfit, meant that most parents would not hire him. The best he could get was the occasional drunken frat party or adult Goth party.

When Stabby finally lost his fragile hold on sanity, he went into a homicidal rage. By the time he was shot (157 times!) by police, he has killed 43 people and made 81 balloon animals out of their intestines. He killed most of his victims by stabbing, although he did kill 7 people by stuffing them all into one Smart Car.

One result of Stabby’s rampage was that most cities in the area banned clowns. There are some people who think that makes Stabby a hero.

The Doclopedia #1,183

Send In The Clowns: Auntie HeeHee, The Dancing Clown

There were two things you noticed right away about Auntie HeeHee, the Dancing Clown: She was a hell of a good dancer and she loved to make folks laugh. Every day you could find her dancing down the streets of Cleveland, Ohio, making jokes, doing tricks and singing silly little songs. Everybody loved her and she attracted many tourists. The mayor even proclaimed May 15th as “Auntie HeeHee Day”. She got free meals and drinks anywhere in town. She went to schools and hospitals and made people forget their troubles for a while. She made national news and was interviewed many times.

But here’s the strange part: nobody seemed to know who Auntie HeeHee really was. She never revealed a single detail about herself and all attempts to follow her to a home (she always stopped her clowning at dark) failed. One reporter followed her as far as an alley, but when he got to it, she was gone. A news agency tried following her with a drone, but she went into a wooded area and the drone crashed into a tree. As of today, that news agency is offering a million dollar reward for her true identity. So far, nobody has claimed it. This could be because the citizens of Cleveland go out of their way to obstruct any efforts to unmask Auntie HeeHee.

It should also be noted that, as of December 2014, Auntie HeeHee has been clowning around for 90 years.

Drunken Cows Abused My Eland

…and they crapped on my lawn!

 

The Doclopedia #1,181

Send In The Clowns: Boffo, The Clockwork Clown

Way back in 1870, in San Francisco, a rather mad inventor named Volmer Heely built an amazing clockwork man. The intricacy of the inner workings of his creation were decades ahead of anything else anywhere in the world and allowed this clockwork being to move as smoothly as a human. Inside the skull and the lower torso were small metal disks that functioned like the punch cards used in an analytical engine. There were dozens of them, each holding a quite large amount of programming. Even better, in the upper torso was a device that could actually create new programming based upon events the machine experienced.

The creation was powered by a series of springs that would either wind up as other springs wound down, or that he himself could wind up using a key. A voice, with a somewhat limited vocabulary, was provided via a special sort of music box setup.

Now, in other hands, this amazing clockwork man might have been used as a servant or soldier or assassin or something, but Volmer Heely wanted to spread joy and happiness through the world, so he, made his creation into a clown that he named Boffo. He then programmed Boffo to do all the things clowns do and more. Once this was done, he sent his clockwork clown out into the world.

Within a week, Boffo was the hottest thing in San Francisco. He would walk around town juggling, dancing, miming, doing cartwheels and generally being funny. Children of all ages would follow him for blocks. He was written up in the local newspapers and son, word of this incredible clown was popping up in print around the country.

After about three months in San Francisco, Heely did some minor repairs and tweaks on Boffo and then sent him out to tour the country and the world, which he did for 20 years. Millions of folks saw Boffo doing his thing in circuses, theaters and just out on the street. He performed for presidents and kings and even the Pope. And of course, he entertained millions of children.

In 1890, Boffo went back to San Francisco and Volmer Heely. Heely was very proud of his creation and gave Boffo a major upgrade that included a vastly better vocabulary and much more human look. He replaced Boffo’s program disks with several banks of what we would call punch tape drives. This increased Boffo’s available memory by a couple of orders of magnitude. It also gave Boffo the skills needed to do card tricks and such. Best of all, he created a clockwork monkey named Miki to be Boffo’s companion and sidekick.

Again Boffo went out into the world and again he was a huge success. He traveled mostly with circuses for another 20 years, usually as the star of the show. He so impressed Mark Twain that Twain wrote “One cannot help but think that a world without Boffo would be considerably worse for those of us made of flesh & blood.” In Barcelona, they erected a statue to him. In Japan, they sold thousands of Boffo dolls. The clockwork clown was a much beloved fellow.

When Boffo returned home in the spring of 1910, he found his creator old and in poor health, but still inventing things with the help of his son and grandson. Twenty years of inventing had lead them to the creation of a much better body and artificial brain for Boffo. Once the upgrades were complete, the clown would be indistinguishable from a human unless he were examined by a doctor.

But this upgrade never happened. Boffo explained that he was happy as he was, although he did ask for a new memory setup. He wanted to continue performing as the Clockwork Clown, not as a human. Volmer Heely accepted this and after some more minor repairs and tweaks, once again sent Boffo on his way. Six months later, Heely died in his sleep.

Boffo continued traveling the world, including entertaining troops in World Wars I & II (he lost Miki to a sniper in France) and Korea. He appeared in movies and television programs in over 30 countries. In 1958, the United Nations awarded Boffo a special medal for his humanitarian work.

On June 3rd, 1960, at 2:15 pm, Boffo was back in San Francisco performing for a group of children when he just stopped moving. He was taken to the workshop of Frank Heely, grandson of Volmer. It was there that Heely found a note in Boffo’s pocket, one that had probably been there for decades. It read…

To Whom It May Concern,

Should I be disabled or stop functioning, please do not repair me. I have lived a long life and do not wish to be upgraded or rebuilt. If possible, please return me to San Francisco and put me on display somewhere that many people will see me.

Thank you,

Boffo

And so it was done. Today, you can see Boffo standing exactly as he stopped at the cable car turnaround in downtown San Francisco, next to a plaque with his story on it.