Doc Tempest And The Monster On The Moon

…from the September, 1999 issue

A Short Note To All Public Figures

Dear Rich & Powerful Men & Women,

Please read the following several times, take it to heart, then go on with your lives.


None! Nobody’s genitalia or bodily orifices are that good. God himself could not offer a piece of ass worth a grand! I don’t care if the object of your lust is so good they can suck a cock through the mail, they ain’t worth the big bucks. You are insane to pay that much for sex.

Thank you for listening,



More Reprints From The Blogger Page: The Sex Rant


Guys, I have something to tell you: STOP WORRYING IF YOUR DICK IS BIG ENOUGH! First off, most women will tell you that it ain’t the meat, it’s the motion. Secondly, you DON’T want to take a poll of which women would rather do without, your tongue or your willy. (of course, if you’re Gene Simmons, you got whatever they choose in bulk anyway) Thirdly, some guy out there is ALWAYS gonna have a bigger dick than you, so quit competing. Finally, there is no easy way to make your johnson bigger, despite massive internet spam to the contrary, so just be satisfied with the handfull God gave ya.

Oh, by the way, you women who keep telling every guy you meet that his dick is really big: STOP! You are filling their heads with false impressions and the next woman they meet is gonna hate you for it.

A word to many of you young people out there: YES, your parents DID and DO have sex. Your generation did not invent promiscuity. Nor did your parent’s generation, but if they were young in the 60’s or 70’s they sure as hell polished promiscuity to a high shine:) I know, I was there. Free love, orgies, the Kama Sutra, dope, threesomes, bisexuality, the dawning of the porn industry, no AIDS, the Pill was new and plentiful…damn, it was a Golden Age for being a slut:) Also, the music didn’t suck ass like it does nowadays. Yes, youngsters, odds are good that your dear old dad laid alot of pipe back in the day and your mom and her college roomie were more chummy than you think. And for all you know they might STILL be attending orgies and stuff. THAT mental image ought to keep you awake tonight:)

Bisexuality: While I’m not bi, my wife and several other people I know are and I’m cool with it. Indeed, in Grace’s case I’m rather happy about it:) However, some people (on both sides of the gay/straight fence) have been known to refer to bi folk as “greedy” or “indecisive”. Well, they aren’t either of those things. What they are is smart, cos they are getting twice as much nookie as the rest of us:)

Sex in the shower: who the fuck ever really thought this was a good idea? Shit, unless you are both rail thin, the damned shower isn’t gonna be roomy enough anyway. Add to that the danger of slipping and breaking your neck and you can see that shower sex is just plain not worth the effort. Now, the kitchen table…ahhh, that my children is a veritable Love Chair:)

Ok, so right off the bat, let me say that I just do not understand this “Spit or Swallow” obsession that most men seem to have. Jesus, isn’t it enough that the woman is sucking yer dick? Who gives a rats ass if she swallows, as long as you get off? Would YOU swallow it? Personally, at the point of orgasm, I don’t care WHERE it goes. It could fly out the fuckin’ window and I wouldn’t care. (I imagine anyone outside the window WOULD care, but what the hell are they doing outside my window anyway?) Now, to be honest, I’ve been with maybe 3 women who wouldn’t swallow, but apparently I’ve been amazingly lucky. Must be a California thing. Anyway, stop fixating on it, guys.

And while we are on the subject of blowjobs, there are alot of you women who need to stop acting like you are rendering this great and wonderful service that we can only get from you personally. Do you really think a guy can’t find 50 other women in your town who will polish his knob? Like maybe your sister or best friend? Get over it and work on varying your technique. Remember: every guy likes it done differently.

Flipping sides now, let’s talk about cunnilingus. That’s eating pussy for those of you who repeated grades in school. When I dispense advice to young men who are just entering the sexual arena, the first thing I tell them (as my father told me) is to learn to kiss the kitty. If they are really lucky, an older woman will show them how. Barring that, the best way to get started is to follow the advice of the late great comedian Sam Kinison and “Lick The Alphabet”. Gents, by the time you get to the letter “K”, the lady will be as putty in your hands. Once you get to “Z”, you can start over, do the alphabet in reverse or just make up new letters for some alien alphabet. Just remember to stop before…A: your tongue cramps up…B: The woman has a heart attack.

End Of Sex Rant

NOTE from 2/11/06: Ya know, I really ought to either reprint or expand this sex rant. Hell, maybe I should do both. It might just help some of the poor sexless gaiming geeks I know.