The Mostly Pretty Innocent, But Sometimes A Bit “Spanky”, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Jar Of Squid Paste.

…co-starring her horse, Reginald



The Doclopedia #1,326

Spells Gone Wild: Fear

Yes, General Halkorian, I was there at the Battle of Bluestone Creek. I was…am…a Wizard of the second circle. I was assigned to work with Wizard Orlyanda, who is…was…actually, we aren’t sure what happened to her…anyway, she was of the ninth circle. She was exceptionally powerful, even for a niner. Oh, yes, sir. It’s a slang term Wizards use. Niner, sevener, fiver, etc.

So as I was saying, she was very powerful and had very wide range of spells to choose from. Why, she was even the creator of several well known spells. She was First Wizard that day, at the battle.

Yes, sir, we were on the hill that runs along the south side of Bluestone Creek. It’s not very tall, but it still gave us a great view of the meadow to the north where the battle was going to take place.

As you know the Iron Fist, as King Vulmar’s army is…err, was…known, was lead by the mysterious mercenary warrior known as Kronius. He wore red armor and a full face mask. Nobody knew what he really looked like. He was terrifying in battle and it was said he could not be killed.

So, as the Iron Fist advanced, ten thousand strong and with Kronius in the lead, our own brave forces, though outnumbered two to one, were ready to repel them. Up atop the hill, Wizard Orlyanda was linking up to two eighters, three seveners and a half dozen fivers, fours and threes.

What, sir? Oh, yes. Linking is when a powerful Wizard binds themselves to Wizards of lower power in order to cast a powerful spell over a wide area. Orlyanda meant to cast the Fear spell over several hundred of the Iron Fist’s front ranks. It would have been very effective, I am sure. But then Kronius saw her.

He stopped the march forward and looked up toward us. He then called out “Orly? Is that you up there?”. Orlyanda stiffened and looked quite surprised for a few seconds. Then Kronius took off his mask and, well, I have never seen a woman become so angry.

Kronius looked like a fairly handsome man. He laughed at Orlyanda’s reaction to him and said something about her hair and then she screamed and cast a spell so powerful that you could SEE the shockwave sweeping out from her. Her extreme emotion, coupled with the fact that she was linked to the other Wizards, expanded the spell’s range and intensity until it engulfed the entire ten thousand warriors of the Iron Fist. We could hear them begin screaming in terror.

But rather that a quick flash/bang, as is normal, the spell kept pouring out of her, as if it were flame from a dragon. Out on the field, men were rendered insane and even killed outright by the intense fear. It was horrible, sir.

At some point, Orlyanda and Kronius became joined via a beam of arcane energy. She screamed, he screamed and then there was an explosion of light. That would be when I collapsed.

When I came to, a good hour had passed. The Iron Fist was either dead, catatonic or running full speed away to the north. Our own forces, who had caught just a bit of the blast, were quaking with fear. Up where I was, the two eighters were dead, the seveners were in very bad shape and all the rest of us were in varying degrees of pain. Wizard Orlyanda was nowhere to be found.

Oh, yes, sir, it was a definite win for our side. Thank you sir. Yes, sir, I will get in touch with the College of Wizards tomorrow. Yes, sir, I hope they can find Orlyanda, too.”

Ducks VS Turkeys: Now It’s Personal!

…my money is on the ducks



The Doclopedia #1,325

Spells Gone Wild: Sleep

Hello? Hello? Hargor can you wake up? Gilia, what about you? Rise and shine, Kelvo! Oh, please do wake up. The entire town is asleep and I’m sure I can’t steal that ancient sword by myself. I’m just not strong enough and I’m certainly not well enough versed in dealing with traps. Oh my, oh my!

I had no idea that those manastones we found were damaged. They must have leaked huge amounts of power into me. That sleep spell was supposed to only have a 20 foot radius, just enough to take out those museum guards. Instead, it seems to have spread nearly a mile. The whole town is asleep!

Now, let’s see…if the guards were only supposed to sleep for two minutes…and the spell was increased about 150 fold, then everyone will sleep for about 5 hours or so. Oh no! The sun will be up by then! Oh, this is bad. Perhaps I can attempt to send an Unseen Servant to fetch the sword. Hmmm.”

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The Piano Has Been Thinking

…not me, not me


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The Doclopedia #1,324

Spells Gone Wild: Magic Missile

Horkaw! Whut da hell wuz dat? You was s’posed ta cast dat spell at dose hoomans an’ dwarfs! How come dem magical mizzels went all over an hit our guyz? One a’ dem blew Fugnor’s arm clean off! Dwox iz dead! Cagmuk ain’t got no junk no more! Mizzez Cagnuk is gonna be pissed off.

Now you cast dat spell again an’ kill some o’ dem hoomans comin’ toward us!

(Seven magic missiles are unleashed)

AARRGH! Ya did it a’gin, Horkaw! Ya kilt three of da boyz an now Fugnor ain’t got no arms left! Roog done got hiz sword hand esploded an’ Migbok only gots half a face now. Git over here so’s I can cut off yer head!

I said GIT OVER HERE, ya coward! If I had both me feet, I’d come git ya!”

Doc Tempest VS The Demons Of Dr. Loveless

…from the September 1961 issue


Sasha Explains It All

Reader Mail

Hi, folks! Sorry this took so long but I’ve been busy doing science stuff and helping Santa during Xmas Eve. Here is some reader mail from the past few months.

My Auntie Rosie Kirkland asks “Do they (meaning aliens) have dogs? If so, what do they call them?”

Well, Auntie Rosie, it turns out that a great many sentient species have beloved animal companions. The Gliinod on Tarsus 4 have lizardy looking creatures they call Yeens. Yeens grow to about the size of a German Shepherd and will eat damned near anything they can catch, not unlike cats.

The Rasultans, who are about 85% human based, love their Jungtaws, who are about 85% dog based. The other 15% for both is a symbiotic algae. I gotta say, green dogs are pretty fucking strange looking.

The Elves on Earth 378-C domesticated Tree Dragonets, which are small wingless dragons that live in trees out in the wild. The don’t breath fire and their farts smell kind of like wood smoke.

Anyway, there are tons of dog analogs out there.

A Mr. Watson wrote to ask if we have the Ark of the Covenant in the Museum Room on the Bus.

Actually, Mr. Watson, we do have it. Well, we have A version, if not the one from our universe. It looks pretty much just like the one shown in the movies, except it has a not taped too it saying “Do NOT open this! I’m not screwing around!” and it’s signed “God”. Mom and Dad said that was good enough for them, so we coated the whole thing with Eternocrete and put a Class 9 self regenerating force field around it. Should be safe for about the next 10.75 billion years.

Finally, a text from sweetbaby900 asks if there is any version of The Crazy Game that humans can play.

You already play two versions. They’re called Politics and Religion. You suck at both.

That’s all for now, folks!

Until my next rant,

Dr. Sasha Jane Cross, PhD




The Doclopedia #1,323

Spells Gone Wild: Detect Evil

So there we were, just about to step into the Crypt of Count Kragmore, up there in the Blackwood, and Urlin says to old Methaxis, “Cast Detect Evil on the area”. Well, the old fart was half asleep, which you can understand, what with him being 315 years old, and he gives a start and starts casting the spell.

It’s kind of sad that we took him with us, but Frandelius was sick as a dog and we had a tight schedule to keep, so we brought the old boy along. Anyway, it takes him about three minutes to cast the damn spell and when it goes off, we all start looking around for that blue glow that indicates something or somebody that’s evil.

Then we see the backpack of Gilda, our henchman, glowing to beat hell. Naturally, she gets out of it fast and we open it up to see if some bastard slipped in a cursed item. After dumping it out, we see one small bag glowing. We dump it out real careful like, and it’s just full of flour…flour with little bugs in it.

While the rest of us were laughing ourselves sick, Urlin is telling Methaxis “Damn you, deaf old fool, I said EVIL, not WEEVILS!”

Just let me drink some ale and then I’ll tell you about what happened when he was supposed to cast Feather Fall.”

The Cucumber Of Madness (And Other Stories)

…spoooooky stories!

The Doclopedia #1,322

Spells Gone Wild: Fireball

“I swear, Finniken, as Great Hothar is my witness, not one of my old masters ever said not to cast the Fireball spell in an area of very high natural mana. They talked about the problems in low mana areas and how you should not cast it in small spaces or underwater, but there was not one bloody word about high mana areas!

I mean, I figured I’d get some added power in the distance and damage, but who knew it would cover an area 80 feet across? Those trolls were incinerated. Pity about our two hired hands, but at least that chest full of gold is all in one chunk now.

Okay, okay, let me rub on this healing salve. There, see, those burns are healing right up! And faster than normal, too. I guess the mana affects all magic hereabouts. What? You feel your wisdom teeth growing back? Oh bother.”


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