Mr. Porkwaffle Has A Problem with Mice

…so he tries to build a better mouse trap


Dog Con 7


Day 12: In which we leave Hawaii, get back to the Southern Californian mainland, Spike & I get mocked & laughed at and we have the wildest bachelor & bachelorette parties EVER!

11:45 pm

Lulu here, folks. I’ll be your reporters for this entry and the next, because Daddy is just too tired after the bachelor party. I was there, so I know. Hijacking an airship full of gold takes a lot out of a biological person.

I’ll also be reporting on the bachelorette party, since Sasha & Joe installed micro-cameras on all of the females. I edited the raw footage down into something comprehensible and I’ll give you highlights from it. Trust me, the girls all had a heck of a fun time as wizarding world pirates.

Oh, and no critter comments here today. They are all totally shagged out.

So, we left Hawaii in the morning, after a big breakfast that featured pineapple pancakes and the ever beloved bacon. Yes, despite being a robot, I can still taste things. Best taste modules credits can buy right here, folks.

We arrived in Southern California safely. Dad found a nice camping spot very near the beach and we took a walk for an hour or so. It was very pleasant.

Back on the bus, we all made Dad & Uncle Spike put on their tuxedos. They both protested that, since they’d be young and thin and probably taller, they didn’t need to wear tuxedos in their normal old farty forms. This was quickly vetoed by EVERYBODY, so they went and put them on.

I’m pretty sure that we all took about 500 pics of them all dressed up, since we’ll probably never see that again. There was much laughter and mocking. Miranda said they looked like two old fat bearded penguins. Flash said they stood out like a couple of whores in church. After about 15 minutes, they went back in and changed into their normal jeans & t-shirts.

About an hour later, other party goers arrived and all the guys went in one room and all the girls went in another, so as to get shot up with Rejuvenox. Not needing it, I played some World of Dogcraft while I waited.

An hour later, the ladies all emerged. By the standards of all their species, they were smoking hot young lasses. The party consisted of…

Mom, Auntie Avy, Auntie Ginie, Auntie Mary, Auntie Caroline, Auntie Rosie, Auntie Holly Hildreth, Cousin Molly (daughter of Rosie & Mike), Sasha, Daisy, Silky, Jazz, Roxy, Calli (Auntie Rosie’s boxer), Midnight (cat friend of Jazz) and Penny (pig friend of Daisy).

My sisters were totally rocking their 1 year old bodies, Silky kept saying, “I have firm boobs again!” Actually, most of the Aunties and Mom also said that. Many comments were made about legs, butts and tummies, too.

BTW, everyone who normally wears clothes was wearing a bikini.

Then the door opened on the guys and yes, they were smoking hot, too. The humans were mostly wearing tight jeans and no shirts. The human females seemed to approve of this. They male party consisted of…

Dad, Uncle Spike, Uncle Brian, Uncle Peter Hildreth, Uncle Mike (Rosie’s husband), Uncle Gabriel Gentile, Cousin Chris (son of Rosie & Mike), Flash, Leon, Cosmo (Calli’s brother boxer), Adolph (cat buddy of Flash), Buster (basset hound and Sasha’s friend with benefits), Dex (another cat buddy), Willie (our pig friend and boyfriend of Penny, Clancy (our Scottish terrier buddy), and me.

Yes, I know that I technically identify as female, but I don’t really have lady parts anymore and besides, I wanted to be an outlaw in the Steampunk Old West.

Some of you might be saying “But what about Miranda and Lauren?”. Well, Lauren is way to young for this pirating stuff and Miranda volunteered to babysit her, so we shot Miranda up with Rejuvenox, which made her physically 10 years old again, then we sent them both off on a Pokemon adventure. They had fun and ate lots of good food when they weren’t fighting Team Rocket.

As I said, all the guys looked great and Dad exited the room last, because like Auntie Rosie said, if his ego was any bigger, he could ride it.

He came out of the room not in jeans, but in a loincloth. He was tall and tanned and had a sort of swimmer/runner’s build and he had no facial hair and his hair was long & red. He looked kinda like Tarzan. Mom asked how much time we had before the parties and was disappointed when Sasha said 5 minutes. Dad said “Later, you young hottie.”

Before those of us with no hands went off to get dressed, Sasha set us all up with land octopi (well, in my case, a mechanical version) and bada bing bada boom, we had manipulative appendages! Then it was into our respective rooms to get dressed for the parties, then we were off on an adventure.

So here are excerpts from the bachelorette party, which started with the lassies on their ship, the “Red Queen” (which, by the way, was huge and mostly crewed by House Elves). They were in port in that wretched hive of scum & villainy, Honolulu, August 12, 1650. Hey, things were different in that world.

In short order, they drank some butterbeer (no alcohol), Captain Jasmine gave a rousing speech about raiding the British and Spanish merchant fleets and then they were underway.

Some highlights were…

During the first attack on a Spanish ship, Mom and Auntie Rosie swung over onto it from ropes on the yardarm, with Jazz & Roxie on their shoulders waving their wands and shooting out hexes right and left.

Auntie Avy and Auntie Ginie casting Patronus spells to hold off the Spanish attacks, while Sasha jumped from ship to ship while wielding a wand and a cutlass.

Calli and Penny tripping Spaniards so Daisy could hex them or, failing that, crack ’em on the head with a belaying pin.

Later, back in Honolulu Auntie Rosie started a barroom brawl because it “seemed like time for one”. Well, she is Daddy’s sister, after all.

During that fight, Auntie Mary did a backflip and kicked two scurvy dogs in the faces.

Auntie Avy cast Expelliarmus on the bar and sent beer mugs flying at a big old broad who was gonna sucker punch Auntie Holly.

Molly and Silky swinging from chandeliers to land in the middle if the fight.

Later, during another raid, Roxy & Daisy & Midnight swam over to an unsuspecting British Man O’ War and used spells to cut holes in the hull.

Once the Man O’ War was in trouble, the Red Queen dropped it’s cloaking spell and attacked the ship the Man O’ War was guarding.

Auntie Caroline and Auntie Ginie cast Infrigia spells that froze big chunks of ice to the merchant’s hull.

Captain Jazz swings on board, cutlass and wand in hand and the merchant captain faints.

Later, there were parties back in Honolulu involving butterbear and wizard rum and singing bawdy songs and yes, another barroom brawl.

The gals returned from the party (which lasted a subjective five days) all laughing and singing and sporting magical tattoos that faded away after a couple of hours. They all agreed it was big fun.

I’ll post the bachelor party highlights tomorrow.

Destination Sign when we started: Highway To Hell

Destination Sign when we stopped: Road To Nowhere

Music: Pirate Punk


The Rare And Beautiful And Jolly Scampering Santa Squirrels Of Potawango Island

…they leave gifts for other animals

The Doclopedia #898

Useful Holiday Spells: Wrap Present

If you have lots of presents that need wrapping, but you hate or suck at wrapping presents, this is the spell for you. For every point of Mana you put into it, you can wrap up to one cubic foot of present. Just place the wrapping paper, ribbons, present and other stuff on a table and cast the spell. In moments, you’ll have a perfectly wrapped present. Best of all, the spell works on any shape of container, making them all look really nice.

The Doclopedia #899

Useful Holiday Spells: Clean The Damned House

Hands down, this is the most popular spell on this list. It’s Christmas Eve and you’s got a buttload of relatives and friends coming over in just a few hours, yet your house looks like crap. Well then, cast this spell and your cleaning products will be grabbed up by mystic forces and put to work cleaning! In a matter of less than an hour, your home will look like a whole squad of cleaning ladies spent the day on it. For 5 extra Mana points, the spell will also wash & groom pets, kids and spouses.

The Doclopedia #900

Useful Holiday Spells: Water To Eggnog

This is the second most popular spell on this list and it’s actually #1 with parents of small children and teenagers. For every point of Mana you put into it, you can convert a quart of water into a quart of eggnog complete with your choice of booze added. For an extra point of Mana per quart, you can up the percentage of booze by 25%.

The Doclopedia #901

Useful Holiday Spells: Super Last Minute Shopper

90% of the people who use this spell are men and they love it. For a mere three points of Mana, you get one hour of shopping at superspeed. Add one point and you can turn incorporeal when you need to cut through crowds. Add three more points and you will be sure to find the perfect presents for the people on your list. Use the Wrap Present spell when you are done and you can have all this Christmas crap over and done with in time for a couple of beers before heading home.