The Journal Of The Royal Society Of Saucy Ladies

…about whom Lord Hendrix wrote a song, though he changed “saucy” to “foxy”

The Doclopedia #634

Stairway To…: Atlantis

From the notebook of Zimwalt the Astounding:

Failure yet again. This time, the stairway was made of silver and crystal and curved upward for 500 steps before ending at a door of purest silver. Surely this was a stairway and door such as one might find in heaven!

But it was not Heaven on the other side of the door, although I say in all truth that heaven could not hold many more wonders than did this place. As I found out soon, I was on the continent of Atlantis.

I had appeared in the courtyard of what the Atlanteans told me was the Great University of Science, their most prestigious school of higher learning. It was a beautiful place, that courtyard, with trees, exquisite sculptures, comfortable benches and wonderfully complex fountains that cooled the air.

My first conversation was with a young student, who quickly hustled me over to an area where many older men and women sat. Introductions were made and I explained my situation. The teachers, for that is what they were, became very excited about the fact that I was a practitioner of magic and bade me cast a few spells.

I cast several, starting with a simple Sphere of Light and finishing off with a summoned water elemental who proceeded to frolic among the fountains. My hosts were mightily impressed and told me so. I replied that I was equally eager to hear about their technology. Thus began several hours of discussion, during which we rode in a sort of flying vehicle and they showed me their truly wondrous accomplishments.

At the point where I knew I had not much time left there, the Master Scientist, a fine fellow named Brekka, asked me if I might aid them on building a machine that could tap into the powerful magic that Atlantis seemed to hold deep underground (most likely the remains of a great gathering of dragons in the far past). I told them I would be delighted and we went to the great building that housed what they called the Electromagical Siphon and Redistributor.

It was a huge and hugely complex device, but as far as I could follow their science, seemed to be based upon a sound theory. I reached into the minds of the engineers and got all of the information I needed, then cast a Spell of Completed Work upon the machine. In minutes, it was finished. Then, to “prime the pump” as it were, I established a direct channel of magical energy between the machine and the great mass of power below Atlantis. And then the machine started pumping raw magical energy into the air. It was, for me at least, a rather intoxicating experience.

Just before I popped out of there, I warned Brekka that they should not draw too much energy too quickly, lest there be some chance of earthquakes. While he nodded his agreement, I’m not sure he really heard me, so enraptured was he at this successful moment.

A few seconds later, I was back in my home. In a few days, I must leave for the Conference of Wizards in far off Jinhai, a land of many delights. It will be at least two months before I can attempt another go at the Stairway To Heaven, but attempt it I shall.

Some day, I really ought to try and get back to Atlantis, to see how that machine worked out for them.


This Week’s Episode: Mack & Dub Buy A Turkey

…and try to sneak it upstairs


The Doclopedia #633

Stairway To…: Mars

From the notebook of Zimwalt the Astounding:

Well, that was certainly interesting. I have only within the hour returned from my latest failed attempt at creating a stairway to heaven, having this time incorporated an aspect to the spell wherein everything that glittered in the spell radius was made of gold and we had a Lady (my grand niece, Lady Mala O’Varr) present who knew this.

The stairway was quite odd this time, being as it was made of red sand and had a great many very low steps which ended at a door made of glass. As with my previous attempts at this spell, I could see nothing beyond the doorway until I stepped through it.

I emerged onto a desert of red orange sand, a large city in the distance. A quick Teleport spell brought me within the city, where I engaged the red skinned humanoids in conversation about where I was. Thank goodness for my Ring of Universal Translation.

Partway through my first conversation with a rather lovely and quite nude (in point of fact, nearly everyone was either nude or nearly so) young lady, a man of much paler skin walked up and introduced himself as John something or other (I am terrible with names) and went on to say that he was a warlord of some type. He told me how this was a planet called Mars, but that he was from a planet called Earth. I told him that my world was also called Earth, but was almost certainly not the same planet. He invited me to his home to talk and I accepted his offer.

After a pleasant couple of hours, during which I met his stunningly beautiful wife, he told me of Mars and I told him of my world. It came up during the conversation that he was not from the Earth of this time, but from the future, when Mars was a dead world. This saddened both of us, since the Martians seemed like such a fine folk. I asked him if there was perhaps a way I could help them out via my magic. He thought about it and said that there were several ways I might help.

And so I spent the next few hours aiding the Martian people. Right off, I repaired the great atmospheric

regeneration plants so that they would not only be much more efficient, but would be self repairing. I also used some simple transmutational spells to free great quantities of oxygen and nitrogen from the soils, as well as changing much of an enormous and, in my opinion, quite unnecessary, volcano into pure water. This alone was enough to create a fairly large ocean.

I also did a bit of manipulating to some of the sparse Martian flora so as to make them hardier and more abundant, thus ensuring a much greener Mars. Likewise, I started certain changes in many of the Martian animals which would lead to more diversity of species.

Finally, and with my powers growing weak from so much usage, I created a portal from Mars to Earth, so that John might go there and bring back such plants and animals as he might see fit. True, it was his Earth a hundred thousand years before his time, but we both figured he could find much of use there. The portal would stay open for three days and he assured me that he would be going through it within minutes.

And then I was brought back here, to my home on my Earth, to once again attempt to build a stairway to Heaven. After I dump the Martian sand from my shoes, of course.

More Songs About Mutants And Pie

…no, not really

The Doclopedia #632

Stairway To…: Mordor

From the notebook of Zimwalt the Astounding:

Bah! Another pointless journey through the wrong doorway. This time the stairway was made of rough stone and was only about thirty steps total. The door was round and painted black. Upon stepping through it, I found myself in rough country. I saw just ahead a pair of small humanoids who were staring at the even rougher country that lay ahead of them. In the far distance, under black smoke and clouds that set off my Detect Evil charms, I could see a huge volcano belching forth even more smoke.

Upon gaining the attention of the two young fellows, whose names are of no importance here, I introduced myself. They seemed wary, so I cast a Calming Spell and asked them where I was and why they were in such a nasty place.

Their story was somewhat long, with both of them pointing out details, but suffice it to say that it all boiled down to the old “magical device must be destroyed to stop great evil” scenario, one that I in my youth took part in more than once. The ring the slimmer of the two fellows had was indeed quite powerful and well and truly evil, so I asked them if they would like to take the fast route to the mountain so as to destroy it and be done with it. After all, I had many hours to be in their world, so why not make myself useful?

They allowed as that would be alright by them, so I conjured up a pot of tea and a plate of biscuits so that we might fortify ourselves for the coming deed. About halfway through our tea, I detected a small and evil creature lurking about a hundred feet away. Casting a Hunting Whirlwind spell, I brought him to us kicking and screaming and crying out in a near unintelligible gibbering. They knew this foul creature and agreed that he was indeed evil and lusted for the ring. Seeing a chance to kill two birds with one stone, I teleported the lot of us into the fiery mountain, put the ring on the wretches finger, then cast him down into the lava before teleporting myself and the two lads to safety.

We watched from many miles away as all hell broke loose in this evil soaked land. The mountain blew up spectacularly, a great citadel of evil imploded along with its master and many tens of thousands of orcs and other vile creatures died. That last bit was worth the entire trip.

Still having several hours left, I took my companions to many places so that they might inform their friends of the successful vanquishing of evil. One of their friends was introduced to me as a Wizard, but if he was, he was a rather low level sort. I mean, how else can you explain him making a group of people walk all over instead of teleporting or flying? And then there is the matter of him taking days of battle to defeat a demon of fire, something that even at my advanced age I could still do in under 10 minutes. So, yes, “Wizard” indeed.

At any rate, I saw many places in their lands and was roundly thanked by many people. Oh, and one of the small fellows had a nasty wound from some undead creatures weapon. I healed it fully so it would never bother him again. After about 9 hours in that world, I popped back into my own living room.

I shall attempt my next casting of the “Stairway To Heaven” spell in a fortnight. Perhaps it will go better then.

If Humans Can Bugger Each Other, Can Bugs Human Each Other?

…nobody else asks these questions, folks


The Doclopedia #631

Stairway To…: Woodstock, 1969

From the notebook of Zimwalt the Astounding:

Having made a tenuous contact with some other plane via my Radionic Detecting Crystal, I heard a bit of poetry obscured by noises. It seemed to tell of a stairway one could take straight to Heaven! Oh, the questions I would ask my long dead parents and mentors, if I could but climb that stairway!

Apparently, one needed, at least in part, a whispering wind, a winding road and a hedgerow. I was not sure of the rest of it, but there is a fine old hedgerow and a winding road just beyond my garden gate. As well, I know many fine air spirits who would not mind whispering for me as part of a spell. With that in mind and while trying to remember more of the poem, I set about researching a proper way to create the Stairway To Heaven.

After many weeks, I was ready to cast the spell. My best estimate was that it would allow me only a few hours in Heaven, so I had a rather lengthy list of questions for the dearly departed. I should have liked to ask several questions of my first wife, my former best friend and my late enemy Prokero the Fantastic, but there was little chance of any of them being in Heaven.

I began the spell, one component of which I had remembered, but which had involved nearly a week of my time calculating how to make my shadow taller than my soul. Still, I had done it and now the spell was beginning to work!

Slowly, a mist rose up and out of it appeared a rather garishly colored spiral staircase made of gold. As the spell ended, I ran up the staircase, which went on for some distance. About half an hour later, I reached the top. After a few minutes of regaining my breath and giving serious thought to collapsing, I opened the door, which was painted in the same strange bright colors. I could see nothing on the other side but a fog, so I stepped through, sure that I would soon see Heaven.

Nothing could have been farther from the truth! Well, alright, I suppose Hell would be farthest from Heaven, but this strange new place was certainly far from Heaven.

I saw a huge number of young people dressed in many strange outfits dancing to what I can only assume was some form of music. In retrospect, I know that it sounded in some respects like the noise I had heard obscuring the poem that night.

It was about late at night and rather warm, but many of these young people looked at me and said that I was cool. I was also referred to as “groovy”, which could only assume had something to do with the wrinkles on my face.

On a very large stage in the distance, a musical group was playing something. When I asked a young man who they were, he said they were “grateful dead”, which made me think this might be some huge gathering of necromancers. A quick Spell of Detection put paid to that idea, so I decided to walk around and examine this place. After all, there was nothing else I could do until the spell wore off.

I spoke to many young folks and some not so young. I found out that this was a free concert at a place called Woodstock. The number of people there was estimated at anywhere from 100,000 to a million, but I strongly suspect it was somewhere in between. There was much talk of love and peace and it rained quite heavily. At one point, a young man offered me a drink which he called “electric kool aid”. Being thirsty, I accepted it and downed the very sweet and vaguely fruit flavored drink. The young fellow then bade me a good trip, but I told him I wasn’t going anywhere. I then walked on until, some minutes later, I became ensorceled by the drink.

At first, I thought I was drifting into some sort of dream world. Colors seemed brighter, sounds were warped and when things moved, they left trails. It was all quite fascinating and at some point minutes or hours later, a pleasantly plump young lass suggested that we disrobe behind some bushes and “get it on”, which is a euphemism for sex. It having been some while since I had last known feminine companionship, I accepted. It was a satisfying, but strange experience due to the kool aid.

Of what happened after that, I cannot tell you, since the next thing I remember was waking up covered in muddy clothing in the middle of the road in front of my house. Seeseeneem, the air spirit who had aided me in casting the spell, was asking if I was alright.

So, my first attempt at creating the Stairway To Heaven went awry. I shall not, however, be deterred! Tonight, I shall adjust my Radionic Detecting Crystal to search the planes of existence for that poem. I shall not be denied!