Ducks Causing Trouble, Geese On The Run

…it’s a waterfowl crime spree
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The Doclopedia #1,498

Stairway to: Lincoln

Of all the stairways I have found, this one is the most random. Why? Because there are dozens of town and cities with the name Lincoln.

There are over 40 Lincolns in the United states alone. You’ll find more in the U.K., Canada, New Zealand, Argentina and Australia. The stairway can take you to any one of them.

The stairway itself usually appears in a park. It appears to be made of U.S. Penny coins and it has 7 steps. Once you get to the top, you are in a place called Lincoln. The stairway will remain there until you decide to leave.
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The Doclopedia #1,499

Stairway to: Dinnerwhere

This stairway is always a favorite with stairway hunters. Simply put, it always takes you to the place you will most enjoy having dinner at that time. Feeling like seafood? It will take you to a great place. Steak? Asian? Southern? Barbecue? French? It doesn’t matter, you will go the the best place to eat what you want, wherever that may be on Earth.

Now, do be advised that while you will find that you have a reservation (where needed), you will not have any cash other that that of the place you left. You may also not speak the language of your destination. Fortunately, credit cards are accepted in most places and you may find your native language spoken by somebody.

This stairway is beautiful, being carved from a single large block of marble and having golden railings on both sides. As you go up the 10 steps, the smell of delicious cooking gets stronger.

The stairway will remain until you finish your meal. Once you return to the point of origin, the stairway disappears.

 

We Come From The Land Of The Ice And Snow, You Betcha

…oh ya, Minnesota
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The Doclopedia #1,496

Stairway to: Lost Vegas

This spiral staircase appears only in casinos in Las Vegas, in whatever year is current. It’s a damned classy staircase, straight out of the heyday of Vegas, when the Rat Pack performed, the Mob ran the town and casinos weren’t “Family Destination Resorts”.

Going up the staircase takes you into the ground floor of a Las Vegas in the early 1960s. Could be any one of the big casinos. Regardless, a well dressed guy named “Archie” will give everyone in your party 100 bucks worth of chips and a ticket to the Sinatra show at 11:00 pm, which is always in about 3 hours.

So, what do you do in Lost Vegas? You do all the stuff everyone did. Gamble, drink, eat, see some shows and live it up. How long can you stay? As long as you want…IF you have money. The moment you go broke, you’ll see another spiral staircase that will take you back to the present.

But hey, go see Louis Prima and his band in the lounge before you go.

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The Doclopedia #1,497

Stairway to: Dreamland

Yes, this stairway does lead to the Land of Dreams, but you may not want to go there. It’s a chaotic and ever changing place, full of strange creatures and people. The various areas of Dreamland can be fun, interesting, mindblowing, sad and terrifying.

The stairway only appears to folks who get out of bed half asleep late at night because they hear music playing. The stairway is where their bedroom door should be, but for some reason that does not seem strange. As they start up, the first 10 steps seem fine, but then they start changing into steps of various materials from sand to moss to fur to ice, and many others.

After about 30 steps, they arrive in Dreamland. To describe an “average” visit is impossible, but we can give some information about the various areas you might encounter.

Surreal Island: If Salvador Dali had dropped 100 hits of acid after taking peyote, he would still not have had a vision as strange as the ones you’ll find here. Don’t try to figure out anything you see or here. Fortunately, getting off this island is easy: just step into the water and you’re off and heading someplace else.

Movieland: Walking into this area will plop you down in some movie that you have seen at some time. Things may seem sharply real here, but that can change in a second. Expect the movie to morph into another sort of dream entirely.

Erotic Village: This is the area of sexual dreams. They may or may not morph into other dreams.

Happytown: The dreams here are fun and goofy. They also don’t last long, but you’ll probably leave laughing your ass off.

Real World City: Have you ever had the dream of being late for school or work? Maybe the one where you are totally unprepared for something? Well, this is where those dreams happen.

Nightmare Forest: Yeah, nightmares here. Try not to go here.

You’ll be stuck in Dreamland until you either find a door out or you really need to go pee. At that point, you find yourself back in your room.

Golden Racer Joe

…more fake anime

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The Doclopedia #1,495

Stairway to: Toyland

This stairway always appears near a group of several old toys that you had as a kid. Most of them were your favorites. The door, which looks totally ordinary, has the words “This Way To Toyland” painted on the door in bright green.

The stairway has between 5 and 15 steps. At the top is another door, again, totally ordinary. Going through it puts you right on Main Street of Toyville, which is inhabited by humans and elves who make toys. They are all friendly and eager to show you the toys they make. Every sort of toy that has been on Earth is here.

Beyond Toyville is Toyburg, Toytown and Toy City. The first two are pretty much just like Toyville, but Toy City is the home of living, sapient toys. They are fascinated by visitors from Earth and will ask you all sorts of questions. They will also serve you cookies and milk. It’s a strange, but enormously fun, place.

After being in Toyland for a few hours, you will fall asleep and wake up in your bed at home with your favorite childhood toy sitting on your dining room/kitchen table.

 

The Fashionably Late, But Interesting And Cool, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Girl Who Talked To Fish

…featuring her new best friend, Oceana Perchly
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The Doclopedia #1,494

Stairway to: Asgard

This stairway moves around every few months, but you’ll always find it somewhere in the Scandinavian countries of Norway, Denmark and Sweden. The entrance is a door that is large (8’X4′), thick (3”) and very heavy. It’s made of a solid slab of pine and intricately carved with images of the Norse Gods and their adventures. Whatever doorway the door is hung in will be framed in a similar manner, although that doorway will change back to normal, including a reduction in size, once the stairway moves on.

Upon opening the door, one is presented with exactly 33 steps. Each step looks like a sword or ax blade. The top and sides of the stairway look like a soft white mist, but are thick and impenetrable. When a person reaches the top, the mists fade away and Asgard is revealed. It should also be mentioned that the stairway is gone, too, so there is no returning that way.

In less than a minute, Asgardian warriors arrive and announce that you must come with them. They are polite, but firm about this. Despite the city looking to be miles away, it takes but 10 minutes to walk there. The guards, who, like everyone else in Asgard, stand a good foot taller than a tall human, will chat with new arrivals, answering most questions honestly. They may also ask about news from Midgard, so be ready.

The city is impressive, but the great tree Yggdrasil rises above it. Once a traveler is inside the city, they are taken to meet Odin, who gives them two choices: Spend a day and a night there, then return home unable to tell anyone about their stay except somebody who has also been there, or stay for the rest of their lives. About 50% of travelers choose to stay.

After a day and night in the city, another stairway appears that leads to the exact location of the first door. When the traveler returns, they find that only 10 minutes have passed. The door disappears and moves on. Nobody has ever found the door a second time.

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The Journal Of The Royal Society Of Saucy Ladies

…about whom Lord Hendrix wrote a song, though he changed “saucy” to “foxy”

The Doclopedia #634

Stairway To…: Atlantis

From the notebook of Zimwalt the Astounding:

Failure yet again. This time, the stairway was made of silver and crystal and curved upward for 500 steps before ending at a door of purest silver. Surely this was a stairway and door such as one might find in heaven!

But it was not Heaven on the other side of the door, although I say in all truth that heaven could not hold many more wonders than did this place. As I found out soon, I was on the continent of Atlantis.

I had appeared in the courtyard of what the Atlanteans told me was the Great University of Science, their most prestigious school of higher learning. It was a beautiful place, that courtyard, with trees, exquisite sculptures, comfortable benches and wonderfully complex fountains that cooled the air.

My first conversation was with a young student, who quickly hustled me over to an area where many older men and women sat. Introductions were made and I explained my situation. The teachers, for that is what they were, became very excited about the fact that I was a practitioner of magic and bade me cast a few spells.

I cast several, starting with a simple Sphere of Light and finishing off with a summoned water elemental who proceeded to frolic among the fountains. My hosts were mightily impressed and told me so. I replied that I was equally eager to hear about their technology. Thus began several hours of discussion, during which we rode in a sort of flying vehicle and they showed me their truly wondrous accomplishments.

At the point where I knew I had not much time left there, the Master Scientist, a fine fellow named Brekka, asked me if I might aid them on building a machine that could tap into the powerful magic that Atlantis seemed to hold deep underground (most likely the remains of a great gathering of dragons in the far past). I told them I would be delighted and we went to the great building that housed what they called the Electromagical Siphon and Redistributor.

It was a huge and hugely complex device, but as far as I could follow their science, seemed to be based upon a sound theory. I reached into the minds of the engineers and got all of the information I needed, then cast a Spell of Completed Work upon the machine. In minutes, it was finished. Then, to “prime the pump” as it were, I established a direct channel of magical energy between the machine and the great mass of power below Atlantis. And then the machine started pumping raw magical energy into the air. It was, for me at least, a rather intoxicating experience.

Just before I popped out of there, I warned Brekka that they should not draw too much energy too quickly, lest there be some chance of earthquakes. While he nodded his agreement, I’m not sure he really heard me, so enraptured was he at this successful moment.

A few seconds later, I was back in my home. In a few days, I must leave for the Conference of Wizards in far off Jinhai, a land of many delights. It will be at least two months before I can attempt another go at the Stairway To Heaven, but attempt it I shall.

Some day, I really ought to try and get back to Atlantis, to see how that machine worked out for them.

This Week’s Episode: Mack & Dub Buy A Turkey

…and try to sneak it upstairs

 

The Doclopedia #633

Stairway To…: Mars

From the notebook of Zimwalt the Astounding:

Well, that was certainly interesting. I have only within the hour returned from my latest failed attempt at creating a stairway to heaven, having this time incorporated an aspect to the spell wherein everything that glittered in the spell radius was made of gold and we had a Lady (my grand niece, Lady Mala O’Varr) present who knew this.

The stairway was quite odd this time, being as it was made of red sand and had a great many very low steps which ended at a door made of glass. As with my previous attempts at this spell, I could see nothing beyond the doorway until I stepped through it.

I emerged onto a desert of red orange sand, a large city in the distance. A quick Teleport spell brought me within the city, where I engaged the red skinned humanoids in conversation about where I was. Thank goodness for my Ring of Universal Translation.

Partway through my first conversation with a rather lovely and quite nude (in point of fact, nearly everyone was either nude or nearly so) young lady, a man of much paler skin walked up and introduced himself as John something or other (I am terrible with names) and went on to say that he was a warlord of some type. He told me how this was a planet called Mars, but that he was from a planet called Earth. I told him that my world was also called Earth, but was almost certainly not the same planet. He invited me to his home to talk and I accepted his offer.

After a pleasant couple of hours, during which I met his stunningly beautiful wife, he told me of Mars and I told him of my world. It came up during the conversation that he was not from the Earth of this time, but from the future, when Mars was a dead world. This saddened both of us, since the Martians seemed like such a fine folk. I asked him if there was perhaps a way I could help them out via my magic. He thought about it and said that there were several ways I might help.

And so I spent the next few hours aiding the Martian people. Right off, I repaired the great atmospheric

regeneration plants so that they would not only be much more efficient, but would be self repairing. I also used some simple transmutational spells to free great quantities of oxygen and nitrogen from the soils, as well as changing much of an enormous and, in my opinion, quite unnecessary, volcano into pure water. This alone was enough to create a fairly large ocean.

I also did a bit of manipulating to some of the sparse Martian flora so as to make them hardier and more abundant, thus ensuring a much greener Mars. Likewise, I started certain changes in many of the Martian animals which would lead to more diversity of species.

Finally, and with my powers growing weak from so much usage, I created a portal from Mars to Earth, so that John might go there and bring back such plants and animals as he might see fit. True, it was his Earth a hundred thousand years before his time, but we both figured he could find much of use there. The portal would stay open for three days and he assured me that he would be going through it within minutes.

And then I was brought back here, to my home on my Earth, to once again attempt to build a stairway to Heaven. After I dump the Martian sand from my shoes, of course.

More Songs About Mutants And Pie

…no, not really

The Doclopedia #632

Stairway To…: Mordor

From the notebook of Zimwalt the Astounding:

Bah! Another pointless journey through the wrong doorway. This time the stairway was made of rough stone and was only about thirty steps total. The door was round and painted black. Upon stepping through it, I found myself in rough country. I saw just ahead a pair of small humanoids who were staring at the even rougher country that lay ahead of them. In the far distance, under black smoke and clouds that set off my Detect Evil charms, I could see a huge volcano belching forth even more smoke.

Upon gaining the attention of the two young fellows, whose names are of no importance here, I introduced myself. They seemed wary, so I cast a Calming Spell and asked them where I was and why they were in such a nasty place.

Their story was somewhat long, with both of them pointing out details, but suffice it to say that it all boiled down to the old “magical device must be destroyed to stop great evil” scenario, one that I in my youth took part in more than once. The ring the slimmer of the two fellows had was indeed quite powerful and well and truly evil, so I asked them if they would like to take the fast route to the mountain so as to destroy it and be done with it. After all, I had many hours to be in their world, so why not make myself useful?

They allowed as that would be alright by them, so I conjured up a pot of tea and a plate of biscuits so that we might fortify ourselves for the coming deed. About halfway through our tea, I detected a small and evil creature lurking about a hundred feet away. Casting a Hunting Whirlwind spell, I brought him to us kicking and screaming and crying out in a near unintelligible gibbering. They knew this foul creature and agreed that he was indeed evil and lusted for the ring. Seeing a chance to kill two birds with one stone, I teleported the lot of us into the fiery mountain, put the ring on the wretches finger, then cast him down into the lava before teleporting myself and the two lads to safety.

We watched from many miles away as all hell broke loose in this evil soaked land. The mountain blew up spectacularly, a great citadel of evil imploded along with its master and many tens of thousands of orcs and other vile creatures died. That last bit was worth the entire trip.

Still having several hours left, I took my companions to many places so that they might inform their friends of the successful vanquishing of evil. One of their friends was introduced to me as a Wizard, but if he was, he was a rather low level sort. I mean, how else can you explain him making a group of people walk all over instead of teleporting or flying? And then there is the matter of him taking days of battle to defeat a demon of fire, something that even at my advanced age I could still do in under 10 minutes. So, yes, “Wizard” indeed.

At any rate, I saw many places in their lands and was roundly thanked by many people. Oh, and one of the small fellows had a nasty wound from some undead creatures weapon. I healed it fully so it would never bother him again. After about 9 hours in that world, I popped back into my own living room.

I shall attempt my next casting of the “Stairway To Heaven” spell in a fortnight. Perhaps it will go better then.