Ground Control To Major Mom

…wait, what?


Dog Con 7


Day 13: In which we review the bachelor party, wake up in Critter City, grab con stuff and then take part in the best wedding of two imaginary cats that you will ever hear about.

11:00 pm

Lulu here again, folks, with a rather too short bachelor party report, because although my power source is still running just fine, my poor silicon brain is overheating from all that has gone on these last couple of days. I need to enter sleep cycle.

Bachelor party highlights…

We were decked out in steampunkish clothing and carrying many strange steampunk Victorian era weapons.

After drinking some hooch, we lit out to rob a train carrying twenty tons of gold.

After we got the train stopped, Dr. Miguelito Loveless and his gang hauled up in a humongous airship and stole all but one brick of gold.

Later, we were caught with the brick and most of us were tossed in jail. The Sheriff looked like John Wayne.

Train owner wanted us hanged, mine owner wanted the gold back. Mine owner said he’d hire us to get it back.

Late at might: JAILBREAK! Uncle Mike and Uncle Peter to the rescue!

We stole an airship belonging to the railroad. Started chasing Loveless.

Lost Loveless, so we went into Denver to make plans. Barroom brawl ensued. Uncle Spike tossed a guy through a window. Daddy used a gas gun on two guys. Chris and Willie took out three more. Flash & Leon were all over the biggest guy. I used my tail laser to cut us an escape route.

Back on the trail of Loveless. Had to ditch US Army airship first. Uncle Mike was driving.

Caught up to Loveless! Uncle Spike, Chris & Cosmo lobbed grenades! Dad, Uncle Peter, Uncle Brian and Uncle Gabriel all jumped off our ship (we were 300 feet above Loveless) with bungee cord tied to their legs. They took Flash, Leon, Dex and Clancy with them! I used my laser to cut slits in that airship’s covering, which they fell through. Then they turned loose the cats & Clancy! THEN, they tied off the ropes and Uncle Mike started winching us down. THEN, we started boarding!

Big fight! Gunfire! Stun grenades! Psycho cats! A badass pig & Scotty dog! Humans kicking ass and not giving a fuck about names! FIRE! Loveless escapes! We haul ass outta there! Big hydrogen explosion! Twenty tons of gold melts into one big chunk and falls 6,000 feet into the Nevada desert! BIG crater!

We land and grab a shitload of gold, maybe 2 tons, then split before the Army arrives.


Whew! It was a fun few days, that.

Once we were all tucked in on the bus, it drove/warped us to Critter City. Man, do I love this place.

OK, back to letting Daddy write this.

Thank you, Lulu. Well, after a solid eight hours of sleep, we all ate breakfast at Waffles From Outer Space, because Bacon & Butter Flavored Syrup! Then we checked into our rooms at the Hilton. Once that was done, we got our con badges and goodie bags. Some great stuff this year, the best of which were the “DogCon 7: The Wedding Of Flash & Jazz” t-shirts. Flash got so choked up he couldn’t speak.

(Sasha: Me and Lulu set that up. Pretty much the whole con will be at the wedding, or watching it on the big screens all over town.)

(Silky: Holy moley, this place is SO cool! We are under a dome! There are animals everywhere!)

(Daisy: I’ve been hearing about this place for a year! I’m having a nerdgasm!)

(Roxy: Wow! Just…wow!)

Other goodies included “Kings of Dragon Underpass” ball caps, a couple of free D&D adventures, a mini boardgame called “Herding Cats”, a shitload of flyers and discount coupons for all sorts of stuff.

We spent about the next three hours making con plans and welcoming a near endless string of con-goers and wedding guests, including four elephants.

(Daisy: Mama Florence and her daughters are way cool.)

Abigail and Beatrice (our dwarf Nigerian goats) stopped by and there were hugs all around. We’ll see them at the wedding and also at the con AND at their stage show on Friday.

Around 1:00, we went for lunch at Pizza My Heart.

(Daisy: They make pizzas especially for us critters! OMG!)

And now, I’m signing off because it’s time to start getting ready for the wedding. More bloggage AND the wedding report tomorrow.

(Jazz: Wedding time. AAIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!)

Destination Sign when we started: Duckburg

Destination Sign when we stopped: Greyhawk

Music: The Girl Group Channel

Dances With Ducks

…hey, there weren’t any wolves around, ok?


The Doclopedia #1,034

For A Good Time, Call…: Fang Lee

Good evening, gentlemen. Please allow Min to take your coats. A chill night out, isn’t it? Please, have some brandy and take a seat.

Now, I believe you were looking for some cutting edge devices to help you stop that ring of Prussian saboteurs, were you not? Yes, yes, nasty fellows, those.

Here you see my son wearing what I like to call a “battle suit”. Made from the finest steel and several secret alloys, there is no bullet that can penetrate it. In addition, it grants the wearer great strength and protection from noxious gasses. The small steam engine on the back is fully protected and will power the suit for up to two hours. Oh, and you can run at up to 10 kilometers per hour using the suits special pressure blast boots.

This next item should interest you, Sir Gerald. It’s a fully automatic rifle, firing up to 60 rounds a minute! Best of all, it’s quite light and easy to conceal. That? Oh, I call it a “clip”. It makes loading 60 rounds as easy a thing as you can imagine. Allow me to demonstrate. See? Completely easy and fast! Oh yes, I could get you four of them and, say, two clips each.

Mr. Braithwaite, I believe you’ll find our next item right up your street. This is a self propelled bicycle that uses a small steam engine to hit speeds of up to 70 kilometers per hour. As you can see, the seat is well padded, the headlamp is powered by a unique chemical reaction and the tyres are quite wide and thick, giving excellent grip on our often wet roads. Oh yes, those are called “shock absorbers”, an invention of mine. They make speeding down a cobblestone street feel as smooth as a train ride through the country.

So, gentlemen, shall we turn to the subjects of delivery and payment?

The Rare And Beautiful And Very Large Easily Confused Elephants Of Potawango Island

…in many respects, they are like teenagers


The Doclopedia #917

The Alphabet: G Is For…


Golden Robots: In 1923, the Eastern European country of Grubansky unleashed an army of golden robots on its two neighboring countries Oxomistan and Anthillia. Within days, they were conquered and the robotic army was heading west. By the time the major European governments heard anything about this, three other countries had fallen and the robots were headed for Germany.

War was declared and the remaining European nations mounted a massive attack on the advancing robots. Despite the Allies having a huge advantage in manpower, the golden robots were winning. They seemed totally indestructible and the heat beams they could fire from their eyes could melt thick steel plates in seconds.

All seemed lost until a team of commandos made their way into Porgo, the capital city of Grubansky. Once there, they met up with a young scientist named Hargo Bovinki. He told them how the evil Professor Yevki had built the first golden robot in his lab, then demonstrated it to the countries mad dictator Orlo Smadlonko. Soon after, a factory was built and dozens of robots rolled off the line every day, all of them controlled by radio signals from the dictators palace.

Using old maps of the nearly 500 year old building, the commandos were able to sneak into the building and take control of the robots, causing them to self destruct. They also managed to capture both Smadlonko and Yevki, who were publicly executed a couple of days later.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending upon your point of view, the diagrams and equipment for building the golden robots were destroyed when Professor Yevki set the factory on fire just before he was captured.
The Doclopedia #918

The Alphabet: H Is For…


HMS Apollo: Commissioned in 1883, the HMS Apollo was the very first armored airship in the British Areofleet. It measured 150 meters from bow to stern and 35 meters from port to starboard. It had three decks and a crew of 300 men. It was armed with 12 cannons, bomb bays fore & aft and a bow mounted lightning cannon.

The Apollo fought in the War of the Worlds and the first World War, both times with great distinction. It was decommissioned in 1928 after 35 years of service. It is now on display at the Royal Air & Space Museum.
The Doclopedia #919

The Alphabet: I Is For…


Inky McCoy: Seamus “Inky” McCoy, so nicknamed for his many tattoos, was a safecracker of great skill and fame. He was constantly in demand by thieves and bank robbers between the years of 1925 and 1938. It was said that he would often take a job just to crack the most up to date type of safe or vault. With his help, tens of millions of dollars worth of currency and other valuables were stolen, most often by the Penny Gang, who always cleaned out a safe or vault, then left a single penny behind.

In the spring of 1938, Inky was caught trying to crack a brand new type of safe at the Gruber Safe Company in Chicago. He was all alone at the time the FBI busted in, but they allowed him to finish cracking the safe before he was taken away. Company president Leo Gruber was not happy about that, but the FBI told him to get over it.

Inky was taken to FBI headquarters in Washington, where several official looking men told him that he could avoid life in prison if he would teach safecracking to American intelligence agents. Moreover, they told Inky that when he wasn’t teaching, he could crack safes in several selected foreign countries. Being a practical guy, Inky accepted their generous offer.

Things went along smoothly until after World War 2, at which point Inky just vanished shortly after helping to rob the safe of a major diamond mine in South Africa. His whereabouts were never determined, partly because the US government didn’t do much to find him. In 1992, one of his many illegitimate children, a daughter named Kerry, announced that her father was dead at age 93. Later that year, his autobiography “A Cracking Good Life” was published and became a worldwide best seller.

Just Run And Don’t Ask Questions

…oh, how many times have I had to say that?

WooHoo! New Doclopedia theme starting up today, my little friends! Enjoy!

The Doclopedia # 485

Stuff You Need!: Steampunk Secret Agent

1: If you are a gentleman, your government issue walking stick. It will contain a sword or dagger, a compass, an 18 inch breathing tube and the ability to fire six .32 caliber rounds. Some walking sticks might contain other items.

2: If you are a lady, your government issue rings (1 with compass, 1 with 3 poisoned needles), Chinese fan (razor sharp edges), cameo broach (3 smoke capsules), and “cleavage gun” (to be hidden therein, 4 shot .22 caliber derringer).

3: Miniature steam powered spiderbomb. These will go in a straight line (including up walls or across ceilings) for up to 150 feet, then wait 10 seconds before exploding with the force of two sticks of dynamite.

4: Membership card in the International Adventurers Club. You would be surprised at the doors this will open.

5: A good pocket watch, preferably with a watch chain that can serve as handcuffs or garrote.

6: Government issue 9mm pistol and ammunition that can (and should) include normal, incendiary, tracer, explosive and paralyzing rounds.

7: Lockpicks, miniature camera, telegraph key & connecting wires, acid vial and difference engine codebreaker. All concealed in commonly carried objects.

8: Robot detection spectacles. Due to the recent rash of robots made to resemble humans, these are now standard issue.

The Doclopedia # 486

Stuff You Need!: Paranormal Investigator

1:The New Complete Guide To The Paranormal”, now available for e-readers, tablets and smart phones.

2: 20 megapixel, all weather, digital still/motion camera with instazoom, Rocksteady motion compensator and “all light” capability.

3: Orange Computers Opad 4 tablet with satellite linking and ParaNetwork interface.

4: At least two cell phones with fully charged batteries.

5: Handheld psi wave detector.

6: Specimen collection kits for ectoplasm, ET and cryptid samples.

7: Mark 7 Spengler-Stantz ghost traps.

8: Anti cryptid personal spray. (still in beta testing)

9: Good quality comfortable running shoes.