Not In This Issue: Coconuts,Ordian Phasing Units,Geckos and Cookie Recipes

…and there will never be any damned geckos, either

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The Doclopedia #1,513

Strange Bandanas: The Doctor Who One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The truth here is that this bandana has no special powers whatsoever. It doesn’t do a damned thing but look cool, what with the 4th Doctor all over it in various poses. The background is black.

No, the interesting thing about this bandana is that I got it from the 10th Doctor after Grace and I met him and Rose in London on Earth 1,000-A.

See, the Earth 1,000-A is the reality of the Timelords. The ONLY reality with them. They very rarely make it into other realities, but one of them was ours, where they arranged for me to buy the Bus. Oddly, another time, they went into a nearby reality (4-J) and conspired for a version of me to win a Bus in a poker game.

So, the Doctor gave me a bandana and Grace & I bought he & Rose dinner. Fair trade, I say. Then afterward, we all saved the world from those goddamn Daleks.

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The Doclopedia #1,514

Strange Bandanas: The Skeleton One

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I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

This bandana is black and covered in little white skeletons in various poses. I got in in Mexico in 1922 on the Día de Muertos. It cost me 10 pesos. I also bought two other bandanas that day, but that’s another story.

This bandana gives me mad necromantic skillz in that it allows me to summon and control up to a dozen skeletons, be they human or NHT. I can’t make them do really complex stuff and they can’t lift anything very heavy, but they can scare the shit out of teenage trick or treaters on Halloween. They’re also great for picking up dog shit from my lawn.

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Why The Hell Would You Take A Fish Head Out To See A Movie?

…Barnes & Barnes got shit to answer for

The Doclopedia #1,511

Strange Bandanas: The Yellow & Blue Tie Dyed One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

This is a fun bandana that I got from a hippie chick during the Third Summer of Love (1969) over on Earth 1-K. It’s a great tie dye job, with just very thin lines of green where the yellow and blue meet.

The only thing this bandana does is get you mildly high. In about three minutes, it will mellow you right out, regardless of how crappy your day has been. I wear it a few times a year, especially around tax time.




The Doclopedia #1,512

Strange Bandanas: The Light Gray One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

You know, I do not have a clue when or where I got this bandana. It just sort of appeared in my collection one day. It’s a light gray color and, oddly, seems to weigh substantially less than the other bandanas. That may well be due to it’s strange power.

See, when I put it on, I’m transported to some other place. Now, I can still see the outside world, but it’s blurry and all in tones if gray. Very much like when Frodo slipped the One Ring on in the Lord of the Rings movies. It’s weird and more than a bit creepy. No Sauronesque voice speaks to me and there’s no fiery eye, but I’ll be damned if I don’t get the feeling of being watched.

As for what the rest of the world sees when I put it on, I am informed by Grace and the children that I become very pale and misty looking. They do not like that one bit.

I don’t wear this bandana very often and I try not to think about the idea that it might be the One Bandana.

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Grouchy Jackdaws Teased My Meadowlark

…until he was forced to pull a gun on them

 

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross

 

The Doclopedia #1,352

Strange Bandanas: The Donald Duck One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

It looks like a simple white bandana with pictures of Donald Duck on it, but oh my friends, it is not. When I put this bandana, which was originally found in an ancient temple of duck worship, I gain all the powers of the Duck God.

I am impervious to getting wet, I can swim and dive, I can charm most humans with my cuteness and, of course, I can fly. In addition to all of that, I can speak with ducks and, if need be, summon an army of them to fight with me.

I seldom wear this bandana, because with great power…well, you know.

The Tenderly Romantic, But Also Rather Sappy, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Sausage Factory

…co-starring her neighbor, Mister Dinwiddy

The Doclopedia #1,351

Strange Bandanas: The Blue Tiger Striped One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

While the Blue Tiger Striped bandana has no strange powers, I did get it by a rather strange turn of events. I was in Macon, Georgia, in 1982, on business that we need not elaborate upon, when a young lady came running toward me screaming that the two rather tough looking men behind her were trying to kill her. As they got closer, I saw that they had an inhuman look to them, so I grabbed her hand and we ran away as fast as we could.

The two big goons were gaining on us when I pulled her into an alley. Telling her to hide behind a dumpster, I whipped off the bandana I had been wearing and put on another that allowed me to affect gravity in a small area. As the goons turned into the alley and advanced upon me, I switched gravity off under them.

I let them rise about 150 feet, then tripled gravity in the same spot. They hit the ground hard. I could hear bones breaking. They were still and unmoving, so I had the young woman come out of hiding. When I asked her what the hell those two were, she told me they were Orcs, hired to track her down and kill her by her cousin, who desired the throne of her kingdom. She explained that her world was in another reality and she had used a spell to get to our world. It seemed the Orcs had managed to get through the portal just before it closed.

She said the portal would reopen in a few hours, so I offered to buy her lunch. She was very charming company and was thrilled to eat her first hambuger. During lunch, she told me that her cousin would try to kill her again and that she could do little against her cousin, who was protected from all forms of magic and guarded by deadly Orc mercenaries. I asked her if the Orcs were very fast and how close could she get to her cousin. She said the Orcs were not really fast and she could get to within 30 feet of her cousin. I told her I might be able to help her.

For the next four hours, I showed her how to use a .357 magnum pistol that I just happened to have for personal protection. She was a quick learner and a good shot. When she left, she kissed me and gave me the bandana, which to this day smells like her.

It was many years later that my family and I took the Bus to her world (Earth 499-C) and heard the tale of how Princess Savimila claimed her throne and dispatched her evil cousin and four Orcs with a “Thunder Wand”. I never did find out if she ever used the extra 24 rounds I gave her.

Chapter 883: In Which Our Hero, Heartbroken And Drunk, Still Manages To Con Three Frenchmen Out Of 1,000 Francs.

…of course, the Frenchies were drunk, too.

 

The Doclopedia #1,350

Strange Bandanas: The Hawaiian Print One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

Oddly enough, I got this lovely tropical print bandana in Hawaii, on Maui. It was sold to me by a roadside vendor who told me it would bring me good luck if I was near the sea. Boy, was she right! Two days later, on the beach near Hilo (on the Big Island), I found a 100 dollar bill! Since then, I have worn the bandana many times when I was near the sea.

Near San Diego, I stopped my car to look at some passing whales just before a 35 car pile up that I would have been in the middle of.

While at the beach in San Francisco, I found a guitar buried in the sand. Turned out to have belonged to Jerry Garcia, who lost it 20 years earlier. He rewarded me nicely.

At the beach in Oregon, I narrowly missed being struck by lightning!

And at a remote beach in Japan, I saw just the top of Godzilla’s head and his eyes break the surface. He looked around and then submerged. I left and took the first flight home.

Two Bones For Sister Silky

…a comedy western

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,300

Strange Bandanas: The Fluorescent Pink One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The Fluorescent Pink bandana is a fun loving social butterfly of a fellow, gay as Halloween on Polk Street and totally out of the closet. While he has no effect on me sexually, I do tend to dress much better and dance more when I wear him. I also attract the attention of women looking for a best male friend.

This bandana is possessed by the spirit of a man who lived in San Francisco from 1925 until his death in February of 1999, the same month I bought the bandana in a shop on Castro Street in that fair city. I’m sure F.P. Will not mind me saying he was a bit disappointed to be purchased by a straight guy living in the Central Valley, but he adapted nicely. I return, every year for Pride Week I loan him to my friend Ramon and they spend a week in The City living it up.

Amarillo Armadillo

…YAHOOOOO!

 

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The Doclopedia #1,298

Strange Bandanas: The Desert Camo One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

At last count, I have 9 different camouflage bandanas. The Desert Camo one is the strangest of the bunch in that if I am wearing it in an actual desert, I become invisible. Pretty handy, you must admit.

While I do not spend much time in deserts, the Desert Camo bandana has let me do such things as…

Punch Erwin Rommel in the junk the night before the Siege of Tobruk.

Escape from a pissed off dinosaur

Hide from a group of Apache warriors after a misunderstanding concerning the sister of one of them.

Sneak up to a meth lab in Arizona and set it on fire.

Accidentally stumble upon a group of ladies bathing in an oasis pool.

Watch John Ford direct movies in Monument Valley.

And avoid countless attacks by wild pigs, bobcats, crazed old miners, coyotes and other dangerous desert denizens. (Note: Being invisible does NOT prevent getting bitten by rattlesnakes)

All in all, I’d have to say that this bandana is one of my favorites.
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The Doclopedia #1,299

Strange Bandanas: The Green Tie Dyed One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The strangeness of this bandana is simple: it was dyed with several shades of green hemp based dye, to which some dedicated toker added plenty of THC and some magic. As a result of this, if I wear it for more than about 30 minutes, I get high as a kite. Taking it off stops the effect, but it takes about 5 minutes and then I have a terrible case of the munchies.

I never wear this bandana in public, but sometimes slip it on to watch a movie at home, surrounded by the wife, dogs and snack foods that I love.