A Song…A Dance…Some Cheese Whiz In Your Pants

…sharp cheddar flavor

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The Doclopedia #2,045

Strange Bandanas: The American Flag One

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I have several bandanas with stars & stripes on them. This one looks pretty much just like the flag, but square. I got it in 1980 at a thrift store in Seattle. I think it cost me 75 cents.

I don’t wear it very often, because when I do, the damned thing transports me to some random place in the 13 colonies in 1776. Half the time I end up way the hell out in the boonies. When I do reach a town or village, people freak the hell out and my money is no good, so I take off the bandana and I pop back to just after I left. It’s a pain in the ass.

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The Doclopedia #2,046

Strange Bandanas: The Neon Rainbow One

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You know, I have no idea where or when I got this bandana. I’m thinking early 1980s, maybe in the Bay Area.

The only power this bandana confers upon me is that while wearing it, I can disco dance like nobody’s business. I mean, I can blow everyone else off the dance floor.

There are just two problems. 1: I’m old and fat and all that dancing puts me flat on my back in bed full of pain pills for days. 2: I fucking hate disco music.

It is a darned fine looking bandana, though.

Jumpy Cats & Barky Dogs

…pretty sure the former is due to the latter.

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The Doclopedia #2,043

Strange Bandanas: The Dollar Bill One

My late mother gave me several bandanas over the years, but only this one has paid for itself many times over the years. It’s a black bandana with dollar bills printed on it. Every year on my birthday I put it on and a crisp new $1.00 bill appears in my pants pocket. Over the years, that adds up to 33 bucks. Not a huge amount, but who am I to sneer at a free dollar?

Thanks, Mom!

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The Doclopedia #2,044

Strange Bandanas: The White & Green One

This bandana started out as an ordinary white bandana that I bought for a buck. I bought it specifically for tie dying, which I did using a bright green dye. It turned out very well indeed and I ran it through the clothes drier, then rolled it, tied it and put it on my head.

It was not until nearly 2 years later that I realized that the tie dyed pattern changes over time. You can’t see it happening if you sit and watch it, but if you check it out a couple of times a day over the course of a week, you’ll see it happen.

What To Do If Your Pie Begins To Levitate

…might we suggest running?

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The Doclopedia #2,041

Strange Bandanas: The Blue Chile Pepper One

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I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

I have at least 10 bandanas with chili peppers on them. I bought most of them at a local flea market back in the early 1990s. But this one I found in an old stone house in the Mexican state of Campeche back in 1920. Or maybe it found me, I’m not sure.


Simply put, this bandana is haunted by the spirit of a Genuine British Loony named Basil. He’s never mentioned his last name. Generally speaking, he talks about one goofy ass thing after another and I tend to tune him out. I mean, I don’t give a rat’s ass about the insect collection he had when he was a boy, or why a given cricket team was so bad or that dinner he had in Chelsea back in 1887.

Over the years, I have learned that he went to Mexico in 1908 to seek his fortune, moved into the stone house and died a year later of fever. Or maybe stupidity, I don’t know. Anyway, I seldom wear the bandana because he’s an annoying twit.

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The Doclopedia #2,042

Strange Bandanas: The Harley-Davidson One

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I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

Of the 14 Harley-Davidson bandanas I own, the one with the big eagle in the center is my favorite. I have no idea where or when I got it.

In most ways, this bandana is pretty normal, except that when I wear it I seem to intimidate people. Not greatly, but noticeably. Nobody gives me much crap and everyone calls me “Sir”. Unfortunately, it has the side effect of making every cop who sees me start keeping an eye on me, something I have spent several decades avoiding. As a result, I don’t wear it in most places where officers of the law might be found.

The TRUTH!

…which, of course, you can’t handle

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The Doclopedia #2,039

Strange Bandanas: The Orange Jose Cuervo One

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I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

No, this bandana confers no tequila related powers to me, nor does it improve my ability to speak spanish. What it dies do is keep me warm in temperatures as low as 40 degrees, Farenheit. Pretty useful, I think you’ll agree, although the effect is only good for about an hour, then the bandana needs to recharge for about 4 hours.

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The Doclopedia #2,040

Strange Bandanas: The Solid Yellow One

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I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

I got this bandana in 1981 from a street vendor in Vladivostok after I had helped her son hide from a KGB agent and a trained attack goat. (long story)

This bandana is friendly enough, but only speaks Russian. I have taught it a few words in English, but it’s accent is very thick. It is not a big fan of me wearing it, but will tolerate things for a few hours. It has no really special powers, but it can sing Russian folk songs in a fine baritone. It enjoys a shot of vodka now and again, too.

My Dragon Romance

…it was hot

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The Doclopedia #2,037
Strange Bandanas: The Dark Brown One

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I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one

I bought this bandana at a thrift store in Walla Walla, Washington, in 2009. It cost me 75 cents. I soon found out that if I wore it, I would smell like chocolate to any woman who was out of puberty. They seemed to find it arousing.

Being a happily married and faithful man, I put the bandana away and now only wear it around my wife.

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The Doclopedia #2,038

Strange Bandanas: The Green Skulls One

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I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

This black bandana has neon green skulls on it. They look like they should glow in the dark, but they don’t. I got it in the mail back in 1990. There was no return address.

Around 1993, I happened to be wearing it as I walked past a remote 200 year old cemetary in rural New Jersey. (long story) It was just after midnight and as I walked along, ghosts began talking to me. Pretty soon, I had about 50 of them crowded around me asking me all sorts of questions.

You might think chatting with the dead would be frightening or maybe interesting, but actually, it was pretty boring. Mostly, they wanted to know about the folks they had left behind. Of course, I could not answer their questions, since I was not around 150 years ago to know who they were talking about. Most of them sadly drifted back to their graves, although one old woman did ask me to kick her husband in the balls if I ever met his ghost.

The Beginners Guide To Freestyle Flooning

…fully illustrated

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The Doclopedia #2,035

Strange Bandanas: The Orange & Pink One

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I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

My orange and pink tie dyed bandana is as sweet tempered and lovable as any bandana you will ever meet. It is stylish, yet simple, and it would never cause harm.

Unless you try to serve me liver in any form. At that point, it will go on the attack, knocking the food to the floor and then attempting to strangle the person who served it to me. Fortunately, I have always been able to wrest it from their throat and then calm it down.

Rather embarrassing, yes, but then again, they tried to serve me liver.

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The Doclopedia #2,036

Strange Bandanas: The Green Tiger Striped One

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I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

I got this bandana from a Hindu mystic in India. He told me it would summon the Green Tiger, a legendary mix of animal and plant, that possesses a wide range of powerful magic spells and is consumed with bloodlust.

To be honest, I’ve never summoned the Green Tiger because I’m afraid it might turn on me. It’s a very cool looking bandana, though.

Not In This Issue: Coconuts,Ordian Phasing Units,Geckos and Cookie Recipes

…and there will never be any damned geckos, either

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The Doclopedia #1,513

Strange Bandanas: The Doctor Who One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The truth here is that this bandana has no special powers whatsoever. It doesn’t do a damned thing but look cool, what with the 4th Doctor all over it in various poses. The background is black.

No, the interesting thing about this bandana is that I got it from the 10th Doctor after Grace and I met him and Rose in London on Earth 1,000-A.

See, the Earth 1,000-A is the reality of the Timelords. The ONLY reality with them. They very rarely make it into other realities, but one of them was ours, where they arranged for me to buy the Bus. Oddly, another time, they went into a nearby reality (4-J) and conspired for a version of me to win a Bus in a poker game.

So, the Doctor gave me a bandana and Grace & I bought he & Rose dinner. Fair trade, I say. Then afterward, we all saved the world from those goddamn Daleks.

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The Doclopedia #1,514

Strange Bandanas: The Skeleton One

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I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

This bandana is black and covered in little white skeletons in various poses. I got in in Mexico in 1922 on the Día de Muertos. It cost me 10 pesos. I also bought two other bandanas that day, but that’s another story.

This bandana gives me mad necromantic skillz in that it allows me to summon and control up to a dozen skeletons, be they human or NHT. I can’t make them do really complex stuff and they can’t lift anything very heavy, but they can scare the shit out of teenage trick or treaters on Halloween. They’re also great for picking up dog shit from my lawn.

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Why The Hell Would You Take A Fish Head Out To See A Movie?

…Barnes & Barnes got shit to answer for

The Doclopedia #1,511

Strange Bandanas: The Yellow & Blue Tie Dyed One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

This is a fun bandana that I got from a hippie chick during the Third Summer of Love (1969) over on Earth 1-K. It’s a great tie dye job, with just very thin lines of green where the yellow and blue meet.

The only thing this bandana does is get you mildly high. In about three minutes, it will mellow you right out, regardless of how crappy your day has been. I wear it a few times a year, especially around tax time.




The Doclopedia #1,512

Strange Bandanas: The Light Gray One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

You know, I do not have a clue when or where I got this bandana. It just sort of appeared in my collection one day. It’s a light gray color and, oddly, seems to weigh substantially less than the other bandanas. That may well be due to it’s strange power.

See, when I put it on, I’m transported to some other place. Now, I can still see the outside world, but it’s blurry and all in tones if gray. Very much like when Frodo slipped the One Ring on in the Lord of the Rings movies. It’s weird and more than a bit creepy. No Sauronesque voice speaks to me and there’s no fiery eye, but I’ll be damned if I don’t get the feeling of being watched.

As for what the rest of the world sees when I put it on, I am informed by Grace and the children that I become very pale and misty looking. They do not like that one bit.

I don’t wear this bandana very often and I try not to think about the idea that it might be the One Bandana.

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Grouchy Jackdaws Teased My Meadowlark

…until he was forced to pull a gun on them

 

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The Doclopedia #1,352

Strange Bandanas: The Donald Duck One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

It looks like a simple white bandana with pictures of Donald Duck on it, but oh my friends, it is not. When I put this bandana, which was originally found in an ancient temple of duck worship, I gain all the powers of the Duck God.

I am impervious to getting wet, I can swim and dive, I can charm most humans with my cuteness and, of course, I can fly. In addition to all of that, I can speak with ducks and, if need be, summon an army of them to fight with me.

I seldom wear this bandana, because with great power…well, you know.

The Tenderly Romantic, But Also Rather Sappy, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Sausage Factory

…co-starring her neighbor, Mister Dinwiddy

The Doclopedia #1,351

Strange Bandanas: The Blue Tiger Striped One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

While the Blue Tiger Striped bandana has no strange powers, I did get it by a rather strange turn of events. I was in Macon, Georgia, in 1982, on business that we need not elaborate upon, when a young lady came running toward me screaming that the two rather tough looking men behind her were trying to kill her. As they got closer, I saw that they had an inhuman look to them, so I grabbed her hand and we ran away as fast as we could.

The two big goons were gaining on us when I pulled her into an alley. Telling her to hide behind a dumpster, I whipped off the bandana I had been wearing and put on another that allowed me to affect gravity in a small area. As the goons turned into the alley and advanced upon me, I switched gravity off under them.

I let them rise about 150 feet, then tripled gravity in the same spot. They hit the ground hard. I could hear bones breaking. They were still and unmoving, so I had the young woman come out of hiding. When I asked her what the hell those two were, she told me they were Orcs, hired to track her down and kill her by her cousin, who desired the throne of her kingdom. She explained that her world was in another reality and she had used a spell to get to our world. It seemed the Orcs had managed to get through the portal just before it closed.

She said the portal would reopen in a few hours, so I offered to buy her lunch. She was very charming company and was thrilled to eat her first hambuger. During lunch, she told me that her cousin would try to kill her again and that she could do little against her cousin, who was protected from all forms of magic and guarded by deadly Orc mercenaries. I asked her if the Orcs were very fast and how close could she get to her cousin. She said the Orcs were not really fast and she could get to within 30 feet of her cousin. I told her I might be able to help her.

For the next four hours, I showed her how to use a .357 magnum pistol that I just happened to have for personal protection. She was a quick learner and a good shot. When she left, she kissed me and gave me the bandana, which to this day smells like her.

It was many years later that my family and I took the Bus to her world (Earth 499-C) and heard the tale of how Princess Savimila claimed her throne and dispatched her evil cousin and four Orcs with a “Thunder Wand”. I never did find out if she ever used the extra 24 rounds I gave her.

Chapter 883: In Which Our Hero, Heartbroken And Drunk, Still Manages To Con Three Frenchmen Out Of 1,000 Francs.

…of course, the Frenchies were drunk, too.

 

The Doclopedia #1,350

Strange Bandanas: The Hawaiian Print One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

Oddly enough, I got this lovely tropical print bandana in Hawaii, on Maui. It was sold to me by a roadside vendor who told me it would bring me good luck if I was near the sea. Boy, was she right! Two days later, on the beach near Hilo (on the Big Island), I found a 100 dollar bill! Since then, I have worn the bandana many times when I was near the sea.

Near San Diego, I stopped my car to look at some passing whales just before a 35 car pile up that I would have been in the middle of.

While at the beach in San Francisco, I found a guitar buried in the sand. Turned out to have belonged to Jerry Garcia, who lost it 20 years earlier. He rewarded me nicely.

At the beach in Oregon, I narrowly missed being struck by lightning!

And at a remote beach in Japan, I saw just the top of Godzilla’s head and his eyes break the surface. He looked around and then submerged. I left and took the first flight home.

Two Bones For Sister Silky

…a comedy western

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,300

Strange Bandanas: The Fluorescent Pink One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The Fluorescent Pink bandana is a fun loving social butterfly of a fellow, gay as Halloween on Polk Street and totally out of the closet. While he has no effect on me sexually, I do tend to dress much better and dance more when I wear him. I also attract the attention of women looking for a best male friend.

This bandana is possessed by the spirit of a man who lived in San Francisco from 1925 until his death in February of 1999, the same month I bought the bandana in a shop on Castro Street in that fair city. I’m sure F.P. Will not mind me saying he was a bit disappointed to be purchased by a straight guy living in the Central Valley, but he adapted nicely. I return, every year for Pride Week I loan him to my friend Ramon and they spend a week in The City living it up.

Amarillo Armadillo

…YAHOOOOO!

 

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The Doclopedia #1,298

Strange Bandanas: The Desert Camo One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

At last count, I have 9 different camouflage bandanas. The Desert Camo one is the strangest of the bunch in that if I am wearing it in an actual desert, I become invisible. Pretty handy, you must admit.

While I do not spend much time in deserts, the Desert Camo bandana has let me do such things as…

Punch Erwin Rommel in the junk the night before the Siege of Tobruk.

Escape from a pissed off dinosaur

Hide from a group of Apache warriors after a misunderstanding concerning the sister of one of them.

Sneak up to a meth lab in Arizona and set it on fire.

Accidentally stumble upon a group of ladies bathing in an oasis pool.

Watch John Ford direct movies in Monument Valley.

And avoid countless attacks by wild pigs, bobcats, crazed old miners, coyotes and other dangerous desert denizens. (Note: Being invisible does NOT prevent getting bitten by rattlesnakes)

All in all, I’d have to say that this bandana is one of my favorites.
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The Doclopedia #1,299

Strange Bandanas: The Green Tie Dyed One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The strangeness of this bandana is simple: it was dyed with several shades of green hemp based dye, to which some dedicated toker added plenty of THC and some magic. As a result of this, if I wear it for more than about 30 minutes, I get high as a kite. Taking it off stops the effect, but it takes about 5 minutes and then I have a terrible case of the munchies.

I never wear this bandana in public, but sometimes slip it on to watch a movie at home, surrounded by the wife, dogs and snack foods that I love.

Fish & Chipmunks

…do NOT put malt vinegar on them

The Doclopedia #1,297

Strange Bandanas: The Silver One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The silver bandana was given to me by the sole survivor of ancient Lemuria, back in 1895. He gave it to me after I had helped him steal a powerful Lemurian jewel from a museum in Berlin. He then used the power of the jewel to leave this life and join his long gone people. Before going, however, he gave me the bandana and wished me well.

The silver bandana allows me to travel into the astral plane, which, contrary to what the mystic shit crowd tells you, is a very boring place. On the other hand, it does let you pass through walls, which is great if you lock yourself out of the house or car.

The bandana lets me speak with my spirit animal, who is a turtle and doesn’t have much to say except “Slow and steady wins the race” or “Relax and take it easy”.

I’m also lead to believe that the silver bandana can protect me from Vampires, but I’m not going to find a vampire to try it out on.

Adventure Module R-1: The Mountain Hall Of The Porn Dwarves

…umm, why is the floor sticky?

 

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The Doclopedia #1,294

Strange Bandanas: The Black & Red Checkered One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

No doubt about it, this bandana is a troublemaker. Every time I’ve ever worn it, I’ve done things I later regretted.

I got the Black & Red Checkered bandana from a fellow who made it as part of a sewing class while he was doing a dime in a Federal penitentiary. I guess the bandana absorbed the overall rulesbreaking badness such places are full of.

So, really, it is the fault of the bandana that I have done such things as get into barroom brawls.

And purchase illicit substances.

And consort with ladies of the night.

And play games involving money changing hands.

And drive a police vehicle when I was not, nor have I ever been, a cop.

But, of course, I stopped wearing that naughty bandana many years ago and am now a pillar of Good Citizenship.

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The Doclopedia #1,295

Strange Bandanas: The Navy Blue One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

This bandana is, I think, the third one I ever bought, so it is nearly 40 years old. Back in the day, I wore it at least a couple of days per week for about a year. As a result, it is chock full of Docness, so much so that it actually allows me to create an instant clone of myself that acts just like me for about 10 minutes before fading away. Sadly, I can only do it once every 48 hours or I risk a blinding headache.

These clones are useful for doing stuff where two hands are not enough, like holding something in place while also holding a nail and hammering. They also prove very helpful for running quick errands or escaping pursuers of a violent nature. Naturally, they are excellent for help cleaning house or diverting canine attention while I slip out the front door without causing a riot.