Grouchy Jackdaws Teased My Meadowlark

…until he was forced to pull a gun on them

 

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The Doclopedia #1,352

Strange Bandanas: The Donald Duck One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

It looks like a simple white bandana with pictures of Donald Duck on it, but oh my friends, it is not. When I put this bandana, which was originally found in an ancient temple of duck worship, I gain all the powers of the Duck God.

I am impervious to getting wet, I can swim and dive, I can charm most humans with my cuteness and, of course, I can fly. In addition to all of that, I can speak with ducks and, if need be, summon an army of them to fight with me.

I seldom wear this bandana, because with great power…well, you know.

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The Tenderly Romantic, But Also Rather Sappy, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Sausage Factory

…co-starring her neighbor, Mister Dinwiddy

The Doclopedia #1,351

Strange Bandanas: The Blue Tiger Striped One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

While the Blue Tiger Striped bandana has no strange powers, I did get it by a rather strange turn of events. I was in Macon, Georgia, in 1982, on business that we need not elaborate upon, when a young lady came running toward me screaming that the two rather tough looking men behind her were trying to kill her. As they got closer, I saw that they had an inhuman look to them, so I grabbed her hand and we ran away as fast as we could.

The two big goons were gaining on us when I pulled her into an alley. Telling her to hide behind a dumpster, I whipped off the bandana I had been wearing and put on another that allowed me to affect gravity in a small area. As the goons turned into the alley and advanced upon me, I switched gravity off under them.

I let them rise about 150 feet, then tripled gravity in the same spot. They hit the ground hard. I could hear bones breaking. They were still and unmoving, so I had the young woman come out of hiding. When I asked her what the hell those two were, she told me they were Orcs, hired to track her down and kill her by her cousin, who desired the throne of her kingdom. She explained that her world was in another reality and she had used a spell to get to our world. It seemed the Orcs had managed to get through the portal just before it closed.

She said the portal would reopen in a few hours, so I offered to buy her lunch. She was very charming company and was thrilled to eat her first hambuger. During lunch, she told me that her cousin would try to kill her again and that she could do little against her cousin, who was protected from all forms of magic and guarded by deadly Orc mercenaries. I asked her if the Orcs were very fast and how close could she get to her cousin. She said the Orcs were not really fast and she could get to within 30 feet of her cousin. I told her I might be able to help her.

For the next four hours, I showed her how to use a .357 magnum pistol that I just happened to have for personal protection. She was a quick learner and a good shot. When she left, she kissed me and gave me the bandana, which to this day smells like her.

It was many years later that my family and I took the Bus to her world (Earth 499-C) and heard the tale of how Princess Savimila claimed her throne and dispatched her evil cousin and four Orcs with a “Thunder Wand”. I never did find out if she ever used the extra 24 rounds I gave her.

Chapter 883: In Which Our Hero, Heartbroken And Drunk, Still Manages To Con Three Frenchmen Out Of 1,000 Francs.

…of course, the Frenchies were drunk, too.

 

The Doclopedia #1,350

Strange Bandanas: The Hawaiian Print One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

Oddly enough, I got this lovely tropical print bandana in Hawaii, on Maui. It was sold to me by a roadside vendor who told me it would bring me good luck if I was near the sea. Boy, was she right! Two days later, on the beach near Hilo (on the Big Island), I found a 100 dollar bill! Since then, I have worn the bandana many times when I was near the sea.

Near San Diego, I stopped my car to look at some passing whales just before a 35 car pile up that I would have been in the middle of.

While at the beach in San Francisco, I found a guitar buried in the sand. Turned out to have belonged to Jerry Garcia, who lost it 20 years earlier. He rewarded me nicely.

At the beach in Oregon, I narrowly missed being struck by lightning!

And at a remote beach in Japan, I saw just the top of Godzilla’s head and his eyes break the surface. He looked around and then submerged. I left and took the first flight home.

Two Bones For Sister Silky

…a comedy western

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,300

Strange Bandanas: The Fluorescent Pink One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The Fluorescent Pink bandana is a fun loving social butterfly of a fellow, gay as Halloween on Polk Street and totally out of the closet. While he has no effect on me sexually, I do tend to dress much better and dance more when I wear him. I also attract the attention of women looking for a best male friend.

This bandana is possessed by the spirit of a man who lived in San Francisco from 1925 until his death in February of 1999, the same month I bought the bandana in a shop on Castro Street in that fair city. I’m sure F.P. Will not mind me saying he was a bit disappointed to be purchased by a straight guy living in the Central Valley, but he adapted nicely. I return, every year for Pride Week I loan him to my friend Ramon and they spend a week in The City living it up.

Amarillo Armadillo

…YAHOOOOO!

 

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The Doclopedia #1,298

Strange Bandanas: The Desert Camo One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

At last count, I have 9 different camouflage bandanas. The Desert Camo one is the strangest of the bunch in that if I am wearing it in an actual desert, I become invisible. Pretty handy, you must admit.

While I do not spend much time in deserts, the Desert Camo bandana has let me do such things as…

Punch Erwin Rommel in the junk the night before the Siege of Tobruk.

Escape from a pissed off dinosaur

Hide from a group of Apache warriors after a misunderstanding concerning the sister of one of them.

Sneak up to a meth lab in Arizona and set it on fire.

Accidentally stumble upon a group of ladies bathing in an oasis pool.

Watch John Ford direct movies in Monument Valley.

And avoid countless attacks by wild pigs, bobcats, crazed old miners, coyotes and other dangerous desert denizens. (Note: Being invisible does NOT prevent getting bitten by rattlesnakes)

All in all, I’d have to say that this bandana is one of my favorites.
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The Doclopedia #1,299

Strange Bandanas: The Green Tie Dyed One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The strangeness of this bandana is simple: it was dyed with several shades of green hemp based dye, to which some dedicated toker added plenty of THC and some magic. As a result of this, if I wear it for more than about 30 minutes, I get high as a kite. Taking it off stops the effect, but it takes about 5 minutes and then I have a terrible case of the munchies.

I never wear this bandana in public, but sometimes slip it on to watch a movie at home, surrounded by the wife, dogs and snack foods that I love.

Fish & Chipmunks

…do NOT put malt vinegar on them

The Doclopedia #1,297

Strange Bandanas: The Silver One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The silver bandana was given to me by the sole survivor of ancient Lemuria, back in 1895. He gave it to me after I had helped him steal a powerful Lemurian jewel from a museum in Berlin. He then used the power of the jewel to leave this life and join his long gone people. Before going, however, he gave me the bandana and wished me well.

The silver bandana allows me to travel into the astral plane, which, contrary to what the mystic shit crowd tells you, is a very boring place. On the other hand, it does let you pass through walls, which is great if you lock yourself out of the house or car.

The bandana lets me speak with my spirit animal, who is a turtle and doesn’t have much to say except “Slow and steady wins the race” or “Relax and take it easy”.

I’m also lead to believe that the silver bandana can protect me from Vampires, but I’m not going to find a vampire to try it out on.

Adventure Module R-1: The Mountain Hall Of The Porn Dwarves

…umm, why is the floor sticky?

 

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The Doclopedia #1,294

Strange Bandanas: The Black & Red Checkered One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

No doubt about it, this bandana is a troublemaker. Every time I’ve ever worn it, I’ve done things I later regretted.

I got the Black & Red Checkered bandana from a fellow who made it as part of a sewing class while he was doing a dime in a Federal penitentiary. I guess the bandana absorbed the overall rulesbreaking badness such places are full of.

So, really, it is the fault of the bandana that I have done such things as get into barroom brawls.

And purchase illicit substances.

And consort with ladies of the night.

And play games involving money changing hands.

And drive a police vehicle when I was not, nor have I ever been, a cop.

But, of course, I stopped wearing that naughty bandana many years ago and am now a pillar of Good Citizenship.

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The Doclopedia #1,295

Strange Bandanas: The Navy Blue One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

This bandana is, I think, the third one I ever bought, so it is nearly 40 years old. Back in the day, I wore it at least a couple of days per week for about a year. As a result, it is chock full of Docness, so much so that it actually allows me to create an instant clone of myself that acts just like me for about 10 minutes before fading away. Sadly, I can only do it once every 48 hours or I risk a blinding headache.

These clones are useful for doing stuff where two hands are not enough, like holding something in place while also holding a nail and hammering. They also prove very helpful for running quick errands or escaping pursuers of a violent nature. Naturally, they are excellent for help cleaning house or diverting canine attention while I slip out the front door without causing a riot.