Cruel Guppies Terrorized My Angelfish

…he may never be the same

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The Doclopedia #1,912

State Secrets: Minnesota – The Hotdish Lady

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Hotdish is a type of casserole that is very popular in the Northern Midwest. Like chili in Texas, it has hundreds of variations on the base recipe. It is the unofficial State Dish of Minnesota, so it’s no surprise that it has something to do with the State Secret.

Nobody know who the “Hotdish Lady” is, but she shows up 2 or 3 times a year in various places around the state, sometimes at church gatherings, sometimes at school functions, and sometimes at large family get togethers. She always has a delicious smelling hotdish that tastes even better than it smells. The dish it comes in is quite distinctive, being large and made of deep blue glass.

The lady always behaves as if she is supposed to be there. Nobody ever turns her away. Once she puts the dish on the table and maybe exchanges a few polite words with somebody, she walks away and nobody ever sees her again. Even more interestingly, the blue dish vanishes once it is empty, and it always gets emptied, because that is one darned tasty hotdish.

As with the secrets of other states, this one is played off by the authorities as a legend, or maybe a prank. Rumor has it that the State of Minnesota and the SXU know the truth about the Hotdish Lady, but they don’t discuss it.

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The Doclopedia #1,913

State Secrets: Mississippi – The River Women

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Only two types of people ever meet the River Women: good folks needing help and bad folks needing to be scared out of being bad.

These three African American women are never encountered more than a dozen or so miles from the river. They are always rather plainly dressed and seem to be in their late 20s or early 30s. Their mode of speech is outdated, sounding more like southern country folks of the early to mid-20th century.

The fact is, they are the ghosts of 3 sisters killed by their brother, a WWI vet with mental problems all his life. He killed them with an ax in 1927 and dumped their cut up bodies in the Mississippi River. The bodies were never found.

Three days later, he cut his own throat.

Since 1928, these three spirits have appeared to folks along the river between Clarksdale and Natchez, sometimes during the day, sometimes at night. They seem to be mostly helpful during the day and mostly out to scare sinners at night.

They have helped people in need many times, always seeming as real and solid as can be. When they set out to scare somebody, they change to look like demons from Hell itself. Most of the people they scare head straight to a church to renounce their former lives and start living right.

As is often the case with straight up ghosts, both the State of Mississippi and the SXU work hard to keep them just stories.

Monster Manual XXVII: Left Handed Dragons & Their Kin

…including ambidextrous hydras

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The Doclopedia #1,908

State Secrets: Maine – Ol’ Bill Bigclaw
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This cryptid is much easier to explain than others. Known as a legend to most modern Main lobstermen, Ol’ Bill Bigclaw is actually a real lobster. A product og both gigantism and a very long life, scientists estimate him to be right around 250 years old. He measures 12 feet long and has claws that are just over 3 feet long.

O’l Bill tends to stay nearer to shore than most lobsters. He also eats other lobsters if he can catch them, which means they stay away from him. Because of these two things, plus him being way bigger than and lobster trap, he has never been caught.

Bill has been seen a few times, but most folks attribute such sightings to too much drink or maybe brain damage. The State of Maine encourages these explanations and monitors Ol’ Bills position 24/7, so as to preserve this natural wonder.

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The Doclopedia #1,909

State Secrets: Maryland – The Right Bus

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This phenomenon is very similar to the phantom cars that give folks a ride, ghost trains and phantom truckers. It is not a real bus, although is is solid and does look like an old bus from the late 50s/early 60s. The bus driver is always the same sex and race as the person who gets a ride. The bus can be encountered day or night, in a town or out in the country. And then things get really strange.

 

According to three people who say they have ridden the bus, plus accounts going back to 1959, the bus comes along just when you could use a ride. You get on, pay the fare, then sit down. Sometimes there are other passengers, sometimes not.

The driver is a chatty sort and before you know it, you find yourself talking about what you really need in life. Not what you want, but what you need. You go into detail about things. Then, before you know it, the bus pulls up somewhere and the bus driver tells you this is your stop. Very seldom is is where you started out heading for, but you agree that this is it.

When you get out, you are at the right place to either get what you need ot to start the journey to what you need. Some examples are…

A man knew he needed to beat alcoholism, but just couldn’t do it. The bus dropped him off at a place called “The Final Sip Club”, He went in, had a drink, and woke up a day later at home. He never had the desire to drink again. He also never found “The Final Sip Club” again.

A young woman knew she needed to leave her abusive husband, but she lacked the courage. The bus dropped her off at her local supermarket, where she found steaks on sale at a great price. That night, she served her husband steak, his favorite food. He sent her out to buy him a beer. 15 minutes later, when she returned, she found him dead. He had choked to death on a piece of steak.

A young man with definite acting talent needed money to get to an audition in New York. Alas, his family was quite poor. The bus dropped him off at a park. A few minutes later, he saw a dog running through traffic heading for the busy street. He leaped to the ground and grabbed the leash it was dragging. A minute later, a well to do man and woman walked up to him and thanked him profusely for saving their expensive show dog. They insisted he take a $100.00 reward. He used the money to go to New York, where he eventually became a Broadway star.

The Right Bus has no fixed route and appears not to exist except at those times when somebody really needs it.

Doctor Silkmelon And Mister Porkwaffle Set Sail For Japan

…to climb Mount Fuji!

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The Doclopedia #1,906

State Secrets: Kentucky – The Coal Creature

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This is one of the most recent arrivals on the cryptid scene, having first been sighted in 2015. It usually looks like a large bear made of coal and surrounded by a light haze of coal dust, but it has also looked like a large cat and a gorilla.

So far, the Coal Creature has not harmed anyone, but it has gone into working mines and somehow degraded the coal into a much less valuable grade of coal. This, as you might expect, drives the coal companies crazy, assuming they find out about it. The very few miners who have seen the creature do not speak much about it.

The SXU tries to get more info on the Coal Creature, but it has not been easy, since the creature vanishes for long periods of time.

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The Doclopedia #1,907

State Secrets: Louisiana – Born Of The Bayou

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Down in the bayous of Louisiana, you will sometimes hear a Cajun mention Le vieil homme du marais, the old man of the swamp. This legendery swamp dweller is said to be the spirit and master of the swamp, seldom seen, but always watching.

Amazingly, this is almost exactly the truth. Sometime around 1780, a young Acadian man died in the swamp and was reborn as something more than human. He lives on to this day, over 200 years later.

The form he takes is that of a middle aged man of average height and weight. His skin is tanned and he is pretty muscular. His eyes are an odd shade of green. He seldom speaks, but when he does he speaks Cajun French.

The Old Man is said to be able to speak with and control the creatures of the swamp, as well as use the trees to move great distances quickly. He has been known to save lost people and punish poachers.

The SXU has tried to find the Old Man, but so far has turned up nothing.

Pieboy Climbs A Mountain

…we think he wanted to wrassle a bear

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The Doclopedia #1,904

State Secrets: Iowa – The Little Farmers

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For well over 125 years, folks out in northwestern Iowa have been finding small replica farms in out of the way places. These tiny farms measure about 25 feet on a side, usually have a small shelter of some sort next to a tiny fire pit, and the rest of the farm has long rows where something very small was being grown. For a very long time, most people who found these deserted farms wrote them off as something created by children, or maybe Native Americans. Nobody has ever found one with the crops in the ground.

The Special X Unit got interested in these tiny farms in 1959, when a group of 5 young boys, out for a hike in the fall, swear that they saw three tiny men loading “grass or something” into a tiny cart pulled by a squirrel. By the time SXU heard about this and got to the site, it had been trod upon by several head of cattle. Still, the agents were able to determine that this had indeed been a tiny farm operated by beings no more than 6 inches tall.

That realization caused the whole investigation to ramp up about 3 levels, because it seemed to tie into legends of the Tiny Folk, very small humanoids who have been glimpsed all over the planet, except Antarctica. SXU has been trying to get at least a photo of one since the 1930s.

Today, between 1 and 4 of these small farms are found in Iowa every fall. They are still never found in operation, always abandoned after harvesting whatever it is they grow. SXU believes that the Tiny Folk have some way of cloaking them. The search continues.

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The Doclopedia #1,905

State Secrets: Kansas – A Hole In The Ground

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This state secret is a simple one. There is a 5 foot wide, 6 foot deep, hole in the ground in Kansas. 90% of the time it’s found way out in the country, but it has popped up in towns and cities. When it appears, it lasts until someone or something falls into it. After about 5 minutes, the hole disappears leaving whatever fell into it on flat ground.

Now that’s strange enough, but the hole also changes whatever falls into it. One example would be Greg Homer, a pudgy 13 year old who rode his dirt bike into the hole and, when they got spit out, found that his bike was clean, looking great and about 24% faster. Greg himself had lost 15 pounds of fat and gained muscle mass.

Yvonne Larner, age 75 and recently diagnosed with cancer, fell into the hole and came out cured of it.

A 13 year old, arthritic Black Labrador retriever named Boots fell into the hole and emerged no more than 2 years old and arthritis free. He lived 17 more years.

The Hole has no fixed route or location. Satellite recon confirms that it may not appear in the state for up to 2 years at a stretch, or may pop up daily for a month. SXU scientists try to get to it, but even something as small as a grasshopper falling in will trigger it.

Note: That grasshopper emerged and was 8 inches long. SXU scientist studied it in the lab for 3 years, until it died.

Where Was Charlie When The House Fell Down?

…we never found out

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The Doclopedia #1,900

State Secrets: Hawaii – Pele Gone Walkin’

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Almost certainly, we are not talking about the literal Hawaiian volcano goddess. Note the “almost”, because in the world of weird shit, you should never say never. Still, members of the FBI Special X Unit are betting that this particular version of Pele is a mutant with some distinct fire abilities and a specific diet.

Unlike many of the strange humans and cryptids out there, this one has been recorded killing on half a dozen occasions. This is thanks to a unique heat sensing camera developed by X Unit scientists. Several hundred of these cameras are mounted on very tall poles around the islands, while a few are on drones that fly regular routes. They have caught “Pele” killing and feeding on 4 islands.

The scenarios are very similar. A young woman encounters a man, talks to him for a bit, walks along with him until they come a secluded place, then kills him. The killing involves her rapidly changing into a larger form made of what really looks like lava. The victim dies fairly quickly, going into shock almost as soon as she changes.

The feeding is less easy to discern, but we know from autopsies that almost all of the phosphorus and calcium are drained from the bodies. Yes, bones are mostly calcium, which meant that the badly burned corpse is even more grotesque than you imagine.

One more thing about “Pele” should be noted. Like more than a few mutants, she feeds a given number of times, in her case 5, and then vanishes to go into hibernation. Once she is hibernating, she will sleep for from 16 to 20 years. Based upon police and other records, we know “Pele” is at least 210 years old.

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The Doclopedia #1,901

State Secrets: Idaho – Potato Man

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To set the record straight, Potato Man is not a man or a potato. The creature is an alien, in fact, at least 4 aliens. Their odd looking heads do look something like a potato, hence the name.

It is suspected that these aliens, who are bipedal with two arms, are scientists who come to study flora and fauna in the Idaho area. They have never done anything aggressive to humans or animals, although every so often they are seen by humans. Fortunately, all of these encounters happened quickly and have been attributed to youthful pranks.

This Blog Certified Organic

…we were trying for orgasmic

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The Doclopedia #1,897

State Secrets: Florida – Mister Sandman

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For the last 15 years, a killer has been stalking the beaches of Florida. From St. Augustine down to Miami, more than 50 people have died at the hands of an entity known as the Sandman.

While scientists and law enforcement have no idea as to what the Sandman is the know for certain how it kills. The attacks have been caught on video six times, two of those being the same attack from different angles and distances. Sandman waits for a lone person to walk into an area free of other people, then it comes up from the sand and grabs them with four arms before dragging them down into the sand. The body is usually found a hundred or so yards away a few hours later. Death occurs from asphyxiation due to being under the sand and usually into a zone of wet sand/

The bodies, when found, look deflated. This is because most or all of the internal organs are gone, dissolved from the inside. Most of the blood is also gone. Strangely, there is never any sand inside the bodies. It’s also worth pointing out that one organ is never dissolved. Sandman apparently doesn’t eat brains.

Finding and stopping the Sandman is a Priority One job for the Special X Unit of the FBI. For the last ten years, there have been 6 agents permanently assigned to the task. So far, they have stopped two attacks, but have still not captured or destroyed the Sandman.

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The Doclopedia #1,899

State Secrets: Georgia – Really Underground Atlanta

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Many people have taken the Underground Atlanta tour, which, like the Underground Seattle tour, is possible because part of the city was built on top of the old city. But Atlanta has one interesting feature that no other underground city has: an entrance to a whole other underground world.

Now, this is not an actual doorway, but more like a teleportation spot that moves around and changes in size. People walk onto it and just disappear from our world. The world they step into is quite different.

This other world seems to be an enormous cavern, possibly ten miles or more long and at least two miles wide. The roof of it is maybe 200 feet above the ground. It is dimly lit by some glowing substance, and seems to be inhabited by albino animals and humans of various degrees of sanity. Plant life is mostly varied types of fungus and mosses. A few small streams run into a small shallow river that eventually disappears into small cracks in the ground.

We know all of this because in 2010, two United States Marines stepped into the world and spent four days there. On the fourth day, they must have stepped on another teleport spot, because they were suddenly standing in a park on the other side of Atlanta.

When debriefed, the Marines said that they had survived by killing a small albino pig for food. They said that when they started a small fire to cook it, all hell broke loose as animals ran away from the light of the fire.

They met a few humans, most of whom seemed to be quite delusional. They could get no decent information from anyone, but they did note that one woman was wearing the tattered remains of an MTV t-shirt. The FBI believes she may have been a teen girl who disappeared in 1984.

After the debriefing, both Marines were drugged and had their memories altered to believe that they had taken part in a highly classified training mission.

It is fortunate that very few people have ever disappeared into the underground world. The FBI places the number at about 15-18 in the last 75 years. Monitoring Underground Atlanta is a top priority for both the state of Georgia and the Feds.

A Newt Who Loved Fruit Played A Lute In A Boot And Looked Very Cute

…and he made good loot

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The Doclopedia #1,895

State Secrets: Connecticut – Old Vinegar

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The dog known to the government of Connecticut and the FBI as “Old Vinegar”, does indeed smell faintly of vinegar, but he is not actually a dog. Well, he is a dog, mostly, but he has a good deal of human DNA, too. It was the result of a government experiment gone either very right or very wrong. Nobody is quite sure because the lab and all the records burned up when the dog escaped. All the living creatures in the lab survived, but oddly, the humans had all of their memories about the experiment wiped clean.

Old Vinegar made his way to Connecticut in 1988 and has been here ever since. He has a history of helping people and animals in need and sometimes stopping crimes. He has been seen all over the state, but people never seem to remember which way he went when he left them. Despite nearly 32 years of looking for him, the Feds have never even come close to catching him.

Old Vinegar resembles a very large yellow Labrador retriever. His eyes are green instead of the usual brown and his head seems just a tiny bit too large. He has an IQ equal to a very smart human. He definitely has mind control powers and may have telepathy and telekinesis, too.

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The Doclopedia #1,896

State Secrets: Delaware – Della

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This is our first lake monster, although it does not strictly stay in fresh water and calling it a monster is a stretch. Additionally, there isn’t just one of them, there are a whole bunch of them, at least 30.

Physically, Della looks like a very large seal with a longer (4′) neck and (5′) tail. They are about the size of a female Northern Elephant Seal, so maybe 2,500 pounds, but longer at 18 feet. Their coloring is a uniform light gray blue. They are definitely mammals and definitely omnivores. Their breeding habits, along with everything else about them, are not known. It is believed that they spend at lease the winter months in South or Central America.

Della seems to be most active at night, so sightings are rare. Add to this the fact that when they are seen, it’s almost always just the head and a couple of feet of neck, so people mistake them for large seals. They travel almost exclusively via water, so that reduces sightings, too.

The very few times Della has been seen on land, they were either seen from a distance or by intoxicated individuals in rural areas. The government is so far doing a good job of discrediting any sightings. Oddly, Delaware and the Feds are actually just protecting an endangered species, something rare in this day and age.