It’s All Fun & Games Until You Have To Regenerate

…for like, the 8th time that year
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The Doclopedia #1,802

Why I Did It…: Got On The Plane

Courtesy of Ginie Murphy

Okay, I got on the plane to get away from your mother. Come on, Annie, you know she has a voice like a cheese grater and she sucks they joy out of entire houses, not just rooms. She bitches about EVERYTHING and nobody is good enough for her. Hell yes I jumped on a plane for Europe. I know your mother has a big fear of flying and the Atlantic Ocean is just about enough distance between her and I.

Sweetheart, I hear her ranting in the next room and I know you hate it. Look, your job is a dead end and your mom will make you crazy sooner or later. There’s a brand new backpack under your bed and it has a one way ticket to Paris in it. Tell your boss you’re quitting, sublet the apartment to Hani and Yuna and come on over. It’s not like we have kids or even a pet. We can do all that traveling we talked about, then head to California. I can work for my uncle while you find a job. Come on, baby, make the break.

Yeah, I hear her getting closer. Hang up now and I’ll see you soon.

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The Doclopedia #1,803

Why I Did It…: Admitted My Guilt

Courtesy of Spike Y Jones

Fellow Ethroons, I have admitted my guilt in the wanton destruction of the Grand Kaloon’s temple, but before you decide my fate, let me tell you why I did it.

Oh yes, I could have very easily let you continue blaming the Kaloon’s nephew for the crime. His bad feelings toward his uncle go back 30 cycles that we know of. It was the simplest thing to destroy the temple after one of their many public arguments, letting him take the blame. After all, he is a hot tempered winzar that indulges far too often in joog and ris. He has a long record with the High Guard. Even better, his mind is blank about the entire night in question.

But I did not do that. No, I admitted my guilt and told everyone here the details of the crime, right in front of the Grand Kaloon and the High Guard. But why, you ask? Why would a noble with my stature do such a terrible act?

It is because the Grand Kaloon is not as he seems! He is in fact, NOT a Kaloon at all, but a Durnoon! He is not a Chosen Leader, but a clever spy come to destroy our way of life! Strip he robes from him and press a hot quiln against his flesh!

There! See how his filthy shapeshifting powers fail him! Behold, a Durnoon of their upper classes. Yes, guards, take him away for questioning!

Raccoons With Clubs, Badgers With Knives, Foxes With Chains

…it’s a rumble in the forest!

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The Doclopedia #1,800

Rats: The Kaiju Rat Of Sumatra

One of the “lost” Earth 2-S Sherlock Holmes stories, this one was suppressed by Holmes & Watson on the grounds that it would cause worldwide panic.

Oddly, this was one of the very few casually mentioned cases that Doyle actually had a very rough outline for. Although notes make it clear that he wrote the notes in jest, it still is cited by some Holmes scholars as a legitimate attempt at a sequel to “The Giant Rat of Sumatra”, the only Holmes story that featured an appearance by Professor Challenger from Doyle’s Science fiction works.

According to Doyle’s notes, the adventure would have taken place two years later and would find Holmes and Watson in Japan at the same time as Challenger, who had captured another of the 100 pound rats and was touring the East with it. The rat would then be given a mysterious substance by a Japanese agent of Professor Moriarty, grow to “twice or three times the size of an elephant”, then go on a rampage.

As of the current year, 1995, the Doyle estate has yet to allow anyone to write this story.
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The Doclopedia #1,801

Rats: The Doomrat

So, yeah, we called it “The Doomrat”. Her real name was Iris and she was a special rat indeed. Not only could she carry the HumanEx 9 virus, she could pass it on to her first two litters. They could pass it on to their first two, but at half the infection rate. Same thing with the next generation. After that, they were virus free. But, you know, since Iris and her first two litters were carrying the 99.99% infection and death rate, humanity was seriously fucked anyway. Airborne virus, rats conditioned to spread out away from each other except to mate…yeah, we had cooked up a great Doomrat.

95% of the human population is dead. Seven of us from the lab survived because we were in the vaccine room when the earthquake hit. A fucking 6.7 quake in fucking Kansas due to fracking, man. The seven of us shot up all the vaccine before the fire got going full blast. We made it out and headed to the command post, which the quake had pretty well destroyed.

Anyway, took them 2 hours to get the place sealed, by which time Iris was probably 5 miles away, despite being pregnant. They spent a week going through the rubble checking dead rats, but never found her, 12 weeks after the quake, people started getting sick in small towns. After that, well, you know the rest.

Part of me kind of hopes Iris had a good life. It wasn’t really her fault that she was the Doomrat.

Pieboy Meets The Mobsters

…and by “meet” I mean “ran like hell from”

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The Doclopedia #1,798

Rats: The Servants Of Lorga

You ask me about Lorga, so I will tell you what I know. He is a vampire and has lived here in Poland for the last 275 years. Before that, I cannot say, though rumors put him in Hungary, where he was first encountered 300 years ago. Lorga is believed to stay mostly in a ruined castle deep in the forest somewhere, probably in the east, but he has lairs in other parts of Poland, including the one you destroyed in Krakow.

Lorga himself is a very powerful foe, but worse yet are his servants. Rats, some as large as a large cat, serve him. They protect him at all times, with many of them acting as his eyes and ears during the daytime. These rats are very smart and very tough. If Lorga commands them to attack, the attack will not end until the last rat is dead, and there will be many rats attacking.

It goes without saying that these rats are diseased. Some even carry a form of vampirism that changes the victim into a raving cannibal. Beware the bite of the Servants of Lorga, American.

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The Doclopedia #1,799

Rats: Rufus & Rosie

On Earth 14-K, dogs & cats are not the most popular pets. That’s reserved for rats, which are about 50% larger and twice as smart as they are here on Earth Prime.

The great popularity of rats means they are found throughout pop culture. Nowhere is this more apparent than the hugely popular cartoon series “Rufus & Rosie”.

The first Rufus & Rosie cartoon was a 4 minute long silent from 1924, “Rats & Cats”. It was a big hit, so Sunshine Pictures made 6 more cartoons, although Rufus and Rosie were not actually named until the third cartoon, “Rufus Loves Rosie”.

The first sound cartoon, “Train Riding Rats” was released in May of 1929 and set the tone for most of the Rufus & Rosie” cartoons for the next 50 years. Either Rufus would get himself into a fix that Rosie would get him out of, or the two of them would be battling some bad guys.

Between 1929 and 1979, 106 Rufus & Rosie cartoons were made. From 1979 until now (current year 2005) another 24 were made. Besides the theatrical cartoons, there have been 5 television series and 14 full length animated movies featuring the lovable rats.

Rufus & Rosie have two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, one for motion pictures and one for television.

The 29 Things You Should Never Buy

…#4: severed human heads

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The Doclopedia #1,791

People with Swords: Samurai Monkey

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In the Country of the Animals, there are many evildoers who flaunt the laws of Emperor Gorilla. Samurai Monkey is the swordsman charged with punishing these miscreants. With his two swords and his great skill in battle, he deals out swift and merciless justice.

Samurai Monkey is a Stump Tailed Macaque. He wears traditional Japanese Samurai Armor and carries two katanas.

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The Doclopedia #1,792

People With Swords: Cupid The Barbarian

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It was in the spring of 1991 when Murray Felderman woke up to find the Goddess Of Love standing beside his bed. Understandably, Murray was a bit surprised and more than a little scared. And yes, he was horny, what with her being tall, beautiful, sexy and barely covered by a toga. See, that’s kind of a dream come true for men…especially chubby little Jewish insurance salesman who hadn’t been laid since just before his wife Diane left him 2 years ago.

So anyway, the Goddess Of Love tell him she needs a new Cupid because the old one is retiring. Before Murray can say anything, there is a flash of light, a shower of rose petals, the scent of chocolate and Barry White singing in the background…and Murray is 6’6″ tall, buff as all hell, holding a bigass sword and possessed of a full head of long blonde hair. Also, he was well hung and wearing a leather loincloth. Score!

From that day forward, Murray was Cupid. He goes out every day and smites people with his Sword of Love, bringing happiness into their lives. At night, Murray gets to go to the Beach Resort of the Gods and get him some hot goddess lovin’. All in all, it’s a hell of a lot better than life with Diane ever was.

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The Doclopedia #1,793

People With Swords: Ian Redberry

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Ian Redberry is a swordsman. Well, he’s in training to be a swordsman. Actually, his day job is working as an assistant baker for his Uncle Milo. But soon, if he doesn’t cut his own head off or something, Ian hopes to leave baking behind for the exciting life of a sword wielding adventurer.

Ian stands 5′ 11″ tall and weighs 165 pounds. He has medium length black hair, blue eyes and a prominent scar on his chin. He is a pretty good looking boy, if the opinion of the local girls counts. Ian is 16 years old.

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This Is Probably Just A Dream

…wakey wakey

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The Doclopedia #1,789

People With Swords: Melanna the Magnificent

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It was after her very first trip into a dungeon, as part of a fairly large party of adventurers, that Melanna decided that just knowing how to cast spells was not enough. After all, once a Wizard uses up their daily allowance of mana, they become a whole lot easier target for those creatures that want to eat dungeon delvers.

So, Melanna returned to the city and spent her share of the spoils on swordsmanship lessons. Her teacher, Cedric Goldson, was a cantankerous old fart who had alot to say about a Wizard learning to use a sword, but in the end, he congratulated Melanna on being a very good student.

Now, when she ventures out on an expedition, Melanna goes armed with spells, potions, scrolls, magical devices…and a wicked sharp +2 damage silver broadsword.

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The Doclopedia #1,790

People With Swords: Zeek, the Well Educated Barbarian

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Zeek Skullsplitter started out life as the son of a mighty warrior of the Bloodaxe Clan. He learned the way of the sword early and looked to follow his father into the warsongs of the bards. Then, at age 15, he was kidnapped by soldiers of the Tarsik Empire…and taken to a school.

Oddly enough, Zeek did not rebel much when he was put into the Imperial Academy. Maybe it was because he was always a curious fellow. Maybe it was because he knew he couldn’t excape. Maybe it was the fact that there were 3 girls for every boy in his class. Regardless, he spent the next 7 years learning all he could…and getting lucky alot.

Now, Zeek is a sword for hire (hey, he likes combat), but is educated enough to know the value of getting a contract and being able to read it. Additionally, Zeek enjoys learning new things and helping people…unless he’s being paid to slay them.

Zeek is 6’8″ tall, has long brown hair, brown eyes and well tanned skin. He uses a huge two handed sword and always carries a good book or two.

Not In This Issue: Pogo Sticks, How To Cook Veal, Skunks And Easter Bonnets

…next month, easter bonnets for sure

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The Doclopedia #1,784

People With Swords: The Clockwork Swordsman

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Nobody knows who built the Clockwork Swordsman, but there are reliable reports that he has been around for at least 200 years. Since the Swordsman himself cannot speak, he can’t confirm or deny any of the reports.

You never know where or when the Clockwork Swordsman will show up, other than the fact that it will be when he is needed. He might rescue a young woman from bandits today, then show up on a battlefield fighting an invasion of Prussian Mutantroopers next week.

The Clockwork Swordsman is 6’4″ tall, made of some silvery alloy that is nearly indestructible and is modelled after the knights of old. He cannot speak and seldom interacts with humans except for when he is fighting. He carries two longswords made of the same material as his body. He can fight equally well with either hand.

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The Doclopedia #1,788

People With Swords: Will the Wanderer

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Poor old Will just wanted to rack up some easy money by looting the site of the Battle of Black River. There he was, loading his cart with weapons, armor and whatever else looked valuable, when he saw the Sword of Jeradus. Since General Jeradus was quite dead, Will decided to grab the sword as the capper to his day of looting. He now regrets that.

It seems that, as he lay dying, General Jeradus, cursed the sword to seek out the traitor who had caused his downfall. Thus cursed, the already powerfully magicked sword was just waiting to be picked up by some fool. Enter our friend, Will.

Now, Will wanders the lands looking for the traitor. He has no idea who the traitor is, but the sword will know if it gets within a mile of him. So far, Will has been wandering for 2 years. He will often hook up with an adventuring group, in order to earn some gold. Given how powerful the sword is, most groups are glad to have him.

Will cannot get rid of the sword until the traitor is killed. Believe me, he has tried.

Will is 5’11” tall, weighs 180 pounds and has long brown hair and brown eyes. He is fit and healthy, but sad and tired looking. The sword is a rather plain looking 2 handed greatsword.

I Can Turn Water Into Wind

…fucking typo!
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The Doclopedia #1,780

Spies: Circe LeBeaux

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Circe is a freelancer who works for whoever pays her…and she’s not inexpensive. She uses seduction on men (and some women) whenever she can, but is also very well versed in all of the other tricks of the spy trade. Although she doesn’t like doing wetwork, she will not hesitate to kill anyone that tries to harm or capture her. For the last several years, Circe has specialized in industrial espionage, but recently she has gotten back into the geopolitical side of things.

Circe is a 5’6″ tall woman of mixed ethnicity. She has long black hair, brown eyes, a trim and very fit body and she is drop dead gorgeous. Her weapon of choice is a thin and very sharp dagger. She speaks a dozen languages, but mainly uses French and English.

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The Doclopedia #1,781

Spies: “G”

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If you’re a spy who needs a cool gadget or two for your next mission, “G” is your go to guy. He can put together any sort of gizmo, from the ever popular x Ray Glasses to the lifesaving Exploding Cufflinks. Need a Ferrari that converts into a boat? A backpack Hot Air Balloon? Bulletproof Boxer Shorts? “G” can build it for you.

G” is a short, chubby, balding fellow with blue eyes and wispy blonde hair. He is a hard taskmaster to his army of technicians and is not very patient with wise guy secret agents. “G” is very fond of pie of all sorts.

G” has no favorite weapon, but at any time carries at least 4 offensive and 6 defensive devices on his person.