It’s All Fun And Games Until The Spanky Lady Appears

…actually, even then…


The Doclopedia #1,574

A Tale Of Six Wands: The Wand Of Restoration

Ah, thank you, my love. This tea smells delicious. And thank you for allowing me to sleep in while you got yesterday’s story to that money grubbing yitz, Theramachus, and picked up the payment. I needed the extra rest after last night. Heh heh.

Now, while we await our late breakfast…or is it an early lunch? Well, regardless, I shall tell you the rather short and admittedly dull tale of the Wand of Restoration.

A Wand of Restoration is most often used to heal or repair a small area of perhaps a few acres, such as a woods damaged by fire or part of a village destroyed by flood. Such wands are very expensive and take a month or more to construct. Still, they are unparallelled in returning a plot of ground to it’s former natural state.

Now, when the Saviors came to me, I already had a fine Wand of Restoration in stock. It could have restored as much as 20 acres in under a minute. But, of course, they needed a wand of far greater power. They needed to restore the very worst of the damage the giants and their leader had done to the land, an area of nearly half a million acres. Add into that the fact that the damage was nearly complete, with entire areas reduced to bare earth, and you can see the enormity of my problem.

Except that there was no real problem. You see, while I was in the far past, consulting with Deron, he asked me many questions about the various wands I needed. When he heard about the Wand of Restoration, he offered to me what he called a “hypercrystal”. This egg sized crystal would, he assured me, boost the power of my wand by more than enough to get the job done. I could not thank him enough.

And so it did! I bound it to the finished wand and when it was later used, after the final battle, nearly a million acres of land was restored. I toured the area some months later and was amazed at the results. Great forests stood where they had for thousands, perhaps tens of thousands, of years. Rivers of mud ran clear again. Wildlife was plentiful. To this day, I consider that wand the best and finest wand I have ever made.

And so my stories end, sweet one. After we finish lunch, we can plan out our coming months together. I was thinking that perhaps we could travel a bit. I have been confined to this city for too long

What? The Grand River Tour? Yes, that would be excellent. I hear that they spare no expense on making the two month trip elegant and comfortable. We shall look into it!

Now, let us tuck into this fine meal before you go and conclude our business with Theramachus. After that, we can relax with massages at the Maroton spa over on Lake Street, then do a bit of shopping for travel clothes.



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If Not 1902, When?

…and where, I ask you?


The Doclopedia #1,572

A Tale Of Six Wands: The Wand Of Seeking

Good morning once again, dear Tenna. When I was told that you had left early to take yesterday’s story to a no doubt panicked Theramachus, I took the liberty of heading out on yet more errands of my own.

He did? Hahahaha! I would have given a tenmoon to see his face. But he did send the proper bag of money, so everything is right.

I trust the room provided for you was satisfactory? Oh, really, you praise my humble household too much. It was the least I could do, since the hour was so late and Foxnight is often a less than safe time to be about. Now, let us have tea and begin today’s tale. I believe Prindeep has brewed us up some of the lovely Red Mountain Black today.

I would love for this tale to be about how complex and difficult it is to create a Wand of Seeking, but the fact is they are utterly common and made in batches of up to 30 at a time. Only a Wand of Light is more common.

As you perhaps know, Wands of Seeking are most commonly used by adventurers for locating everything from loot to monsters to traps. They are also a common item among city guards and rural patrols, most often to locate a guilty party or a lost child. The wands have long lasting charges and are quite versatile. Of course, versatility means a reduction in effective distance, so most such wands seldom reach out more than about 90 feet.

However, the Wand of Seeking I was asked to make needed to be very specific indeed. It also needed a very great range, as much as 20 miles. Why? Because the Six Saviors knew that somebody was behind the expansion of the Ostugar Giant Lands. Somebody not a Giant, whom we know now to be a fellow called Histeen the Mad, an outcast from the far Al’Anak’a Islands. Praise the gods he was utterly destroyed, and by the hand of the very Giants he had whipped into a frenzy of hate and bloodlust.

The components of the wand were of the usual type, but the construction process was slower and more intense. In addition, the breath of 100 hounds and the eyes of a Great Eagle (taken from a corpse that died of old age) were infused into it. Certain oils and bindings made of rare metals were used to limit the wand to 5 charges. Finally, it was rested in the crypt of Duliman the Explorer for a fortnight. Then, it was ready.

Activated, the wand would produce a line of red light visible only to the user. That line would extend out 20 miles in a straight line toward the objective. I am told that it took all five charges to finally locate Histeen, who was 150 miles behind enemy lines in a small castle, now completely gone and replaced by a meadow.

And that is all to that story, Tenna. Tomorrow’s story, I assure you, will be quite different, since it involves the creation of the single most dangerous wand anyone of my profession has ever made.

Until then, let us enjoy lunch and then, once you have dropped the story off with Theramachus and gotten payment, perhaps you would care to join me on a boat ride along the Border Canal? It will take a few hours, after which we could have dinner at a wonderful Syballan restaurant I know of. After that, perhaps a visit to the Royal Night Garden?

You will? My heart swells with joy! Now, let us see what tasty delights Prindeep has for us.


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The Flying Spanaducci Sisters Entertain Our Troops

…often while on stage performing.


The Doclopedia #1,571

A Tale Of Six Wands: The Wand Of Deception

Welcome, Tenna. I must apologize for keeping you so late yesterday, but our conversation was delightful and I must thnk you for dancing with an old man. It had been many years since my last dance.

Oh, please, you flatter me too much. It was easy to regain my dancing skills with so lovely a partner. Now, since we both slept in this morning, I shall take that bag and we can, if you wish, have a light snack. Once again, Prindeep must be off on errands, but his nephew Ranja will be here to serve our lunch.

The third Wand of Glory was a Wand of Deception. Now, such wands are most often used by thieves, spies, and one can only assume, politicians. They can give power to lies or help one avoid the notice of the weak minded. They are, if truth be known, always in the top 10% of wands sold. Such is human nature, I suppose.

Making such a wand is normally a fairly quick and easy thing. One gathers the components, none of which are particularly exotic, then builds the wand in under three days. After that it is merely a question of pricing it to meet the local demand. Oh, no. We seldom price them under 500 moons. It tends to get us the better sort of lying deceiver.

The Wand of Deception, however, needed to be vastly stronger that the ordinary type. Additionally, it needed to be oriented toward the clouding of weak and not so weak minds, rather than aiding in outright falsehoods. For this, a few very rare components were needed.

That is why I sent Murgin and a squad of Forest Women elite warriors into the Cursed City of Walnak, some 500 miles northeast of here. There, after no few harrowing adventures involving assorted creatures and the undead, she retrieved the vessel containing the ashes of one Fillarn the Trickster, a true king, and later demi-god, among thieves.

I sent Ranoe on a mission no less dangerous, but not to his physical self. He had to travel to far southern Jal and convince the Great Seductress to give up just a few of her tears. Her price was far too high at first, but he had something from her innocent girlhood to trade along with a small fortune in gold. This softened her heart enough to allow him to collect her tears. I suspect there was also some sexual offering he had to make, but he has never spoken of it and it is none of my business.

My own quest took me first to the wretched city of Valoski, a true hive of scum and villainy. After four miserable days of searching, during which I purposely started a massive gang war to keep all the criminals occupied, I found the heart of the Old Dark One. Amazingly, the shopkeeper sold it to me at a very good price. Possibly he did not know what it was, but more likely he was getting ready to flee the increasingly deadly city, as so many were.

On my return from Veloski, I stopped in the Forest of the Gnomes to purchase a solid silver tube that looked as though it was made of lead. While there, I was invited to watch the testing of several gnomish inventions, which I did from a safe distance. Talented, if oft overreaching, those Gnomish inventors.

Once all the components were gathered, we prepared my workshop for the final assembly. A Freezing Fire was prepared and the silver tube was put into it standing upright. Into that went the heart, now ground fine and mixed with certain rare herbs. A short time later, the ashes went in, along with the tears that had been mixed with unclean water.

Five days passed, during which at least two of us watched over it, but never looked directly at it. On the morning of the sixth dat, we replaced the Freezing Fire with Hot Ice and began another five day watch. When that ended, the Wand of Deception was finished. It looked like nothing so much as a dented old bit of lead pipe. Of course, the fact that it allowed General Bexallin to lead 1,000 warriors 200 miles behind enemy lines attests to the power of it’s enchantment. The Giants never knew what hit them.

Ah, lunch is ready! Let us enjoy it, for I am afraid I have errands of my own to tend to this afternoon. Still, I will miss our chats, so I wonder if you might do me the honor of coming to dinner tonight? You mentioned liking lamb pockets, and Prindeep is a master of all lamb dishes.

You will? I am filled with joy. Well then, a bite of lunch now and dinner at, shall we say, seventh bell tonight? Lovely! Now, do try that smoked whitefish, my dear.


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Everybody Wanted The Bad Rabbit

…he was an assshole, but SO CUTE!


The Doclopedia #1,570

A Tale Of Six Wands: The Wand Of Blasting

Good Morning, Tenna! Let me take that bag of gold from you. You look most lovely today. Come along, the breakfast is all laid out.

Prindeep, that was a breakfast fit for the gods. If you would assemble a selection of fruits and cheeses for lunch later, along with a bottle of that Sherinkan wine, you can then go about your errands, and take your time, old friend. We shall be quite fine here.

Now, concerning the Wand of Blasting, I can tell you that it took an entire two months to make after we collected all of the pieces. One such piece was the under tongue muscle from a recently killed dragon. Fortunately, my assistant Raloe, was able to join a large military effort against a Black Dragon in the Yellow Marshes of Jal. Despite losing half their forces, the military prevailed and Ranoe returned unscathed with the muscle.

During that same time, I myself went far up on Mount Drestox to obtain a squink. They are a common enough animal up there, but the musk they can emit is among the most noxious things you could ever smell. I used a sleep wand to knock out a big male the size of a small cat, then carefully moved him into a glass vessel with a stopper that allows air in and out, but not smells.

The final hard to get piece was a piece of solidified lightning. Oh, yes, I assure you that such a thing exists. It is incredibly rare and very expensive, but we managed to locate a piece about 6 inches long in far Banagalanda. Even using a Wand of Distant Teleportation, it took a week to get there and another week to return. No doubt that is why my other assistant, Murgin, now avoids teleportation if she can.

Once those and other components were assembled, I began my work. The basis of the wand needed strength, so I naturally used a 17 inch rod if steel. That rod was prepared over the course of a few days to receive the other items, no small feat, I assure you. Just keeping the steel hot and at a very high pressure is fraught with danger.

Once the steel was ready, the lightning and squink musk were introduced to the vessel and the pressure was increased. Two days later, we released the pressure and removed the steel. After dipping it into a bath of rare herbs and minerals for several minutes. Finally, we wrapped it with thins strips of the dragon tongue muscle before curing the whole thing in heated sand. Five days later, the Wand of Blasting was ready.

History tells us how effective it was, with clouds of noxious gas causing the giants to flee or collapse with sickness, while great blasts of lightning shattered their defenses. To this day, the last remaining giants, now living in the far north, tremble in fear when the Wand of Blasting is mentioned.

My greatest offensive wand? Well, perhaps, although I did once create a Wand of Storms that was terrifying in it’s destructive power. I often wonder what happened to it.

But now today’s tale is done and I find myself eager to continue our discussion from yesterday concerning Third Dynasty High Elven art. If you could perhaps fetch the fruit and cheese, I will uncork the wine and we shall while away a pleasant afternoon.

Dudley Was A Buysexual

…mostly because it was just easier


Gentle Readers,

The entry below was written scant hours before I was admitted to the local hospital due to another bout of cellulitis that is proving to be tougher than any of the others. Pretty sure I won’t be writing much for a few days.




The Doclopedia #1,569

A Tale Of Six Wands: The Wand Of Defense

My tale of the Wand of Defense, and indeed, all of the Wands of Glory, begins 280 years ago. I should point out that I hand no hand in calling them Wands of Glory. It was the name given them by the people of our great land, many months after the establishment of this, our great kingdom. Still, as names for great items go, it certainly beats out things like the Almighty Ax of the Great King Sarr and the Wonderful Robes of the Queen of Goodness and Purity.

At any rate, as we all know, back then, all of this lane, and a good deal to the north and west, was ruled by the Ostugar Giants, huge ugly brutes who stood 15 feet tall and were hellbent on conquering the rest of the way south to the Southern Sea. The thought that 4 million people and two kingdoms, Werit and Jal, lay in their way no doubt made them drool.

So it was that the kings of those two kingdoms, the queen of the Forest Women to the west, the queen of Kessika formerly of the north and the two kings of Maroto and Syballa to the east, came to my humble home in the Weritian city of Geshpar. They were armed with a plan and needed just the right magic to carry it off.

Did you…may I call you by your name? Thank you. It is an old custom of my people to ask such things. So, Tenna, did you know that once, 4,000 years ago, people with magical talent did not need wands to cast spells? No? Well, I’m not surprised. Few now really know of those days. It is the truth, though, and remained so until a great draining of magical energy happened all over the world. While it did not affect magical plants or creatures, well, with the exception of dragons, it did affect every single wizard, sorcerer, witch, warlock, shaman, whatever they called themselves. All of them left without the ability to cast spells. Worse yet, it drained every speck of magic from every magical device. By 3,900 years ago, magic was gone and stayed gone for 2,000 years. Then it began to return, but not as a single power one could tap into, but as a part of many things, some animal, some vegetable, some mineral. Slowly, over the course of a few centuries, certain people who were born with the gift of identifying such things started experimenting with combining them. Potions did not work out, nor did many other creations, until one day, somebody thought to try making a wand.

Back in ancient days, wands merely stored raw power, but these new wands combined to create generators of very specific power. It is believed by we Wandmasters, that the first one was a Wand of Light, a simple, yet useful wand. That would have been around 1,100 years ago. It lead to magic as we know and use it today, strictly wand based.

But, I once again get sidetracked. Excuse an old man. Oh, you compliment me too graciously. I know my age.

So, these 6 kings and queens came to me wanting 6 very specific and very powerful wands, which they would use to defeat and banish the Ostugar Giants. Being as how this would be of great benefit to millions of people in general and myself in particular, I agreed to the job and told them I would waive my usual fees, as part of the coming war effort. The price of ingredients, however, could not be waived. Many would require myself or my assistants to travel great distances, purchase or find rare items, and endure much hardship.

This was of no worry to them, as they came bearing a very large wagon full of gold, jewels and, most importantly, items that might be useful in wand making.

I never thought to ask them how they came by the tail bone of a Stinking Swamp Dog, but I’m glad they did, because it almost certainly saved myself and others the trip 5,000 miles south to the Alochian jungles and the stinking, dangerous swamp at it’s center, to say nothing of killing a 1,200 pound canine while avoiding death at the teeth of it’s pack.

The tail bone, along with some Death Nut powder that also had, told me that my first wand need to be that of Defense. So, while my assistants gathered a few ingredients I still needed, I set about creating what I consider to be the finest and most powerful general defensive wand ever made.

At about this point in the story, I am certain old Theramachus hopes I will go into great detail about the process by which the wand was created, thus letting him sell such secrets to other Wandmasters. Sadly, he will be disappointed. I will only say that the tail bone was sanded and filed to be 24 inched long and ¼ inch thick. It was then wrapped tightly in several layers of horse hair taken from a breed popular with a particular Eastern nation.

The death nut powder went into a brew with powdered Slangit scales, a good amount of a very specific grave dust and quite a lot of specially processed sugar. I boiled it for a day and a night to get a thick syrup that hardened into a protective coating once the entire wand was dipped into it and then kiln dried.

After that, a wrapping of Sun Raven feathers was applied along with a sprinkling of powdered diamond. One more dip in the syrup and another kiln drying and the wand was set aside to age for a week. At that point, it was complete and after testing far out in the Weritian desert, it was deemed powerful beyond expectation.

And then I went to work on the next wand, which while rather simpler to create, was just as powerful. But that story awaits more gold from Theramachus and a new dawn. Instead, perhaps you would enjoy a few hours having lunch and tea with me. I would enjoy hearing more about you.



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Good Times At The Cabin On The Lake

…Until it caught on fire and sank.


The Doclopedia #1,568

A Tale Of Six Wands: The Introduction

You ask about wands, young scribe, for this “history” you say you are writing. Let us stop your falsehoods right there. You’ve come to find out about the Six Wands of Glory, and you were sent by Theramachus, that old bastard. I don’t suppose he told you that you were the sixth…no, wait, there was the old Norokkan woman, so, seventh person he has sent in these last 40 years? No? What, might I ask, has he offered to pay you? 100 golden moons? Really? Great Gods, the old tightfist has not changed a bit in all this time. You should be earning five times that, at least. After all, you risk being transformed into a pig or cat for a week. No, no, don’t run. I won’t be doing that. In fact, I have a mutually beneficial arrangement that I think you’ll agree to.

Now, Theramachus has plenty of money, as you probably have figured. Lives quite well, doesn’t he? Yes, I’m sure of that. I’ll tell you, lass, I am older than I ought to be and I know death is not overly far in my future. The truth is, I have not made a wand in just over two years and my stock is all but sold off. Now, I have plenty to last me out, but I would really like to bleed that son of a goat dry. So you do this, you go tell him that I will tell you the tale of each wand on consecutive days, and he need only pay me 2,000 gold moons each, payable when you arrive. Tell him he has my word on it. You may also tell him that if he tries to negotiate, I shall turn him into a pigeon for a full year. I have not sold all of my wand. As for your part of the bargain, I shall split the money evenly with you.

Oh, don’t worry, he’ll pay it, even if it empties his coffers. The tales of all 6 wands creation will help him finish his book “The True Story of the Wands of Glory”. He’ll first sell 100 or so copies to the very wealthy at upwards of 1,000 moons apiece. Then, once the demand from the less wealthy is intense, he’ll sell another edition for the “bargain price” of perhaps 700 moons. He will do this until he’s sold as many high priced editions as possible, then he’ll license it off to the highest bidding mass publisher for several thousand moons and retire.

Now you run back to that old wretch and give him the news that Vanderas will finally tell his tale of wand creation. I will see you here tomorrow for breakfast.

Ahh, good morning, young lady. You look ready to face the day, but let’s have a bite to eat before we get down to business. Oh, and look, you’ve brought along a bag full of golden moons. Let me take that from you. My, it is rather heavy, isn’t it? I’ll assume Theramachus gave you a long list of threats to impart to me, most having to do with vigorous litigation. All duly noted, for all that such threats will do him. Now, please do sit and try the goat cheese with apricots on toast.

My, that was an excellent breakfast. Prindeep outdid himself once again. And you are delightful company for an old man such as myself. Now, please do have another cup of tea and I shall tell you what went into creating the Wand of Defense. I think that you will enjoy it.

The Toad Collector’s Gazette

…now incorporating Popular Toads Monthly


The Doclopedia #1,566

Dungeon Rooms: The Changing Room


This room is a large living area comprised of a sleeping area, a living room area and a kitchen/dining area. There is also a separate bathroom. The entire area is fully furnished and has bookshelves, dressers, desks, etc. There is a whole lot to explore and search.

The room is also enchanted and the magic is only detectable by a high level Wizard. The enchantment is that any intelligent creature in the room will slowly change. This could be as simple as a change in hair or eye color, or it could be a change in sex, race or age. GMs are advised to check the clock starting as soon as characters enter the room, then have them all do a difficult Perception check after 3 minutes. Every 3 minutes, have them do a check. Make the check a little easier each time. Note that these checks are to notice changes in others, not themselves. A total change takes 7 checks, or 21 minutes. Watch your clock. Each characters change should be different.

Once they figure out what is up, they will probably leave the room. The changes will last for 1d6+3 days after they leave the dungeon.




The Doclopedia #1,567

Dungeon Rooms: The Junk Room

You know how every home has a “junk drawer”? Well, this is the dungeon equivalent. It’s a 20′ long X 20′ wide X 10′ high room just packed full of all kinds of useful (mostly), but common stuff. Tools, ropes, candles, empty bottles & pots, etc. If you are a kindly GM, there can be a 5% chance of finding something valuable or cool.