The Ice Cream Dwarves Go Mining For Salted Caramel

…yum yum

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The Doclopedia #1,483

Alt. Rocks 2: The Stone Testicles Of Yurr

Okay, first off, yes, those two huge ovoid stones really are the testicles of the ancient God Of Life, Yurr. They are, in fact, all that remains of him. Every other bit of his body was gone 3,000 years ago.

The testicles are made of a type of stone found nowhere else on the planet. Although the resemble marble, there is no way that marble could remain this smooth and unblemished after thousands of years out in the weather.

Yes, madame, they do give off a sort of energy one can feel. One can only assume it is “life energy”, since we are in a 9,000 acre wetland full of living creatures in the middle of a desert. In fact, this wetland increases by a few acres every year. It is truly amazing.

Ah yes, the barrier fence. It is there, surrounding the testicles for our safety. If any of us got any closer, we would find ourselves pregnant with at least triplets if female, or sporting a very painful and long lasting erection if male. Trust me, neither is something to be wanted.

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The Doclopedia #1,484

Alt. Rocks 2: Hot Gravel

Right, lads, let’s get to work! Now, for every 10 carts of regular gravel we put in the big hopper, we need to add 1 cart of Hot Gravel.

What? You don’t know what Hot Gravel is? Oh, wait, of course you don’t, you’re new to the job. Sorry. Old timers like me tend to forget that everyone hasn’t been laying roads for King and Country for 40 years.

So, this gravel here is Hot Gravel. Now, the name is kind of wrong, because it never really gets hot. It gets nice and warm and it can transfer that warmth over a pretty wide are of non-hot gravel. The Crater Gnomes up north mine it and trade it to us for all sorts of metals they don’t have. We mix it with regular gravel and use it to make roads that stay snow free in the winter and have a very soft glow at night.

Well, now that you know what Hot Gravel is, let’s get to work. Like I said, 1 cart of Hot to 10 carts of Not. Run the mixer in the hopper for 3 minutes, then fill up 2 big gravel carts with mix. Then do it all over again until it’s time to knock off work.

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I’ve Got Your “Loose Cannon” Right Here, Baby!

…be careful with that!

Ok, Gentle Readers, after too long a delay, the final Big Balls post. I won’t be doing any Doclopedia posts between now and my birthday on the 29th, but I do hope to post a few other things.

Oddly, today’s post is actually about big balls.

The Doclopedia #394

Big Balls: Martian Mammoths

Yessir, that’s a group of young bull calves there. We like to get ’em cut before they reach elephant size, otherwise it takes twice as many hands to rope one and hold him down. At this size, they’re about twice as big as a Terran Angus bull and a whole hell of a lot stronger, but once you get ’em down, they lie still easier. Can’t keep ’em down long due to the weight on their lungs, but hell, a good cutter can get in there and have the testicles out in under a minute.

That big one over in the holding pen? That’s Amarillo Shaggy, our top bull. Named after my grandfather’s home town back on Terra. He’s won every prize the Martian Mammoth Breeders have to give. He’s fourteen years old and has sired over 200 offspring. Every one of them has been show quality, too. You get a really good carcass out of them, too. The meat is well marbled and tastes great.

Ok, now here they go on the first one. See how Tommy and Red keep the bull looking at them? That gives Wendy, Julio and Rick time to lasso the front and back legs. Now they’ll bring him down. Alright! That was a good soft takedown. Now Doc Kerry and her helper get in there and do the deed. Let’s time it.

Forty seven seconds! That’s real good. You want to get a closer look? I don’t imagine that you city folk down in Burroughs get to see genuine mountain oysters very often. Yep, I’d say about five pounds each. Oh sure, we eat ’em. Once the cuttin’ is done, Rick and Tommy will slice ’em up and fry ’em and everybody on the ranch will sit down for what we call “Beer, Bread, Balls & Bullshittin’”. You’ll stay for it, right? There ya go! Say, you big city reporters ain’t half as sissified as folks say!

After The Change Came: Series 2

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Sin And The Too Cute Catgirl

Early yesterday morning, I got a call from Lily about helping her pick out a dress and accessories for her school’s Winter Ball, which will happen tomorrow. Being rather new to both the wearing clothes thing and the dressing up fancy thing, she naturally called Uncle Sin for advice.

Let’s face it, her mom, Grace, is beautiful and all, but not much concerned with wearing the latest fashions. Green Ladies consider a simple toga to be “all dressed up”. Doc, besides being a straight male, has roughly the fashion sense of a goat. Oh sure, on those rare occasions where he has to get dressed up, he can look good, but the other 364 days of the year, it’s t-shirts, jeans and sneakers. Brother Roscoe doesn’t wear clothes, being a dog and all, but if he did, he’s probably be no more fashion conscious than Doc. Grandmothers, aunts & cousins are pretty useless as well, since most of them are gnomes and the rest are other nonhuman races.

But Uncle Sin knows all about how to dress like a lady and look tres hot doing it.

In less than an hour, thanks to Wizard Portals, I had Miss Lily in Paris trying on various dresses. Now, she is a petite girl, 5′ tall, slender and curvy, but not very busty yet. Plus, she has that 3′ long tail and her cat ears up on top of her head. With her long white hair and the much shorter and finer white hair covering the rest of her body (but not her face), I decided that she needed a Little Black Dress.

After three shops and about two dozen dresses, we finally found one by the Mutant designer, Michu. His mutant power allows him to create clothing that is all one piece of material. No seams anywhere! The one we chose was made of a magically created silk material that has tiny sparkly points scattered throughout it that actually produce their own faint light. It looks like she’s wearing the night sky. It’s knee length, with slits to about mid-thigh and I’m sure many young boys will be rendered speechless when they see her in it.

I liked the material so much that I ordered a couple of outfits made from it. They’ll be ready in two months, which will give me time to sell everything I own to pay for them.

Michu quickly adjusted the dress to accommodate Lily’s tail and we then left to go accessorize! Cute little purse with mock pearls and a Bag of Large Capacity enchantment? Check! Darling little high heels to match (with a Comfort Enchantment rather than increased capacity)? Check! Three Diamond ear studs for each ear? Check! Beautiful, but understated diamond necklace? Check!

It’s a good thing that diamonds are cheap now, or Old Yellow Eyes would have pitched a fit. As it was, the cost of the dress merely made his eyes pop out of his head.

Once we had a bit of dinner, we portaled home where she modeled the full outfit for her parents, Roscoe & GiGi, her visiting Aunt Lauren and me. She was just beautiful! I loaned her some of my favorite perfume, “Wild Nights” and so she is all set for the Winter Ball. I’m told that her escort will be a young fellow named Tomas, also 13 years old. I’m sure that having Lily on his arm will more than make up for the interrogation that Doc puts him through before they leave the house.

Oh my, all of this reminds me of my fifth year Spring Formal at Hobart’s School for Young Ladies & Gentlemen all those decades ago. But that’s a story for another day, since I have to go earn some money to pay for those outfits Michu is making.