Chapter 917: In Which Our Hero, Clad Only In A Modest Nightshirt, Has Difficulty Exiting A School For Young Ladies

…they kept tackling him



The Adventures of Captain Flame #3

The Grand Square of the Most Glorious City of Mabuuth was always busy, regardless of the hour of the day. There were hundreds of market stalls, dozens of taverns and inns, brothels, gambling halls and a hundred other business. There were also scores of tax collectors and agents of the Customs House, to say nothing of the City Guard. The latter were a presence throughout the Square and consisted of men and women you would definitely not want to piss off.

The bulk of Mabuuth’s, and Ardovia’s, population was human. The remainder was made up of Sea Elves, the odd looking Koboldin and a smattering of other humanoid races, none of whom were reptilian. That would be why all eyes in the immediate area turned to watch the Speaker’s Spire as Huma Dnilok, a Dragonborn, Climbed the 100 Steps of Free Speech. He was dressed in the full armor of a paladin of Bahamut and followed by a beautiful young human woman dressed in modest white robes. Once they reached the top, the paladin looked down upon the crowd, pressed the stone that would carry his voice throughout the Square and began speaking.

“Hear me, good people of Mabuuth, for I am here to tell you of a reckoning! Yes, a reckoning for your sins! I speak to you of the COMING OF BAHAMUT!”

Exactly one and a half miles away, a slightly pudgy and somewhat ordinary young human woman stepped into the Imperial Museum of Ardovia. She was accompanied by her husband, who was a tall muscular fellow, and her two young daughters. After paying the 8 coppers entrance fee, the four of them began wandering through the museum in the same manner as all the rest of the museum goers. Nobody spoke until they had reached the Hall of the Ancients.

“This is it, mates.” The mother may have looked chubby and domestic, but her voice, was far more commanding than one might expect. “Mister Vorastrix, Miss Arpagig, When we reach the display, you know what to do. Miss Caldwell, prepare to get to work.”

All three of them said a quiet “Aye, Captain before starting off down the hall.

At Speaker’s Spire, Dnilok was really getting into his speech. If he could show even one of these sinful humans the path to redemption via worshiping Bahamut, it would be a day well spent.

Below him, the vast majority of the sinners were more interested in how he looked, not what he was saying. Dragonborn seldom made it to Ardovia and never had one come here dressed as a paladin and preaching. This was a day to tell your grandchildren about.

The young lady standing behind Dnilok gave a quiet cough and the paladin knew he would not get to tell the story of Bahamut and the Wandering Merchant. Pity, because it was one of his favorites. Still, that cough was the agreed upon signal that in about three minutes, things were going to get very lively up at the museum. What was the term Miss Joplin had used? Ah, yes, “the shit will hit the fan”. Another strange human saying.

He continued his speech with renewed vigor.


Dogs On The Run

…usually from the police

365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #10

The Adventures of Captain Flame #2

It had been a good while since Flame had eaten a gourmet meal and Uncle Luke had not disappointed. Every bite, and there had been many during the 12 courses, had been delicious, as had the five types of wine. It was only thanks to her sturdy constitution and large capacity for drink that she wasn’t nodding off.

Instead, she was in Uncle Luke’s library watching him inspect the figurine. He was going over every detail of it with a magnifying glass, stopping every few seconds to look through an ancient book that lay open on his desk.

You say that you found this on a merchant ship out of Emerald Bay?”

She nodded. “The “Matilda Green”, a fine bark which will soon go up for sail. The chest this was found in looked fairly new, as did most of the jewelry.”

Uncle Luke put down the figurine and the magnifying glass and went to remove two more books from his shelves. One seemed to be a collection of scrolls bound as a book, while the other looked fancy enough to have belonged to a king. She commented on that.

Luke laughed and said, “Oh, it did indeed. King Dorak Dorin of Typathia, a very wealthy and somewhat mad gentleman, by all accounts. This and several other volumes were liberated from his library by our friends in the Thieves Guild. They cost me a damned sight more than you’ll get for that bark, I can tell you.”

Flame let out a whistle. That bark would sell for ten thousand gold easily.

Ah, here we go!” He beckoned her over to look in the scroll book. She could not understand a bit of what the writing said, since it was all in runes.

Seeing her bewildered look, Luke translated.

“It was ordered that on the fifth day of the fifth month in the year of the Bear, five small figures representing the gods of the northern dwarves be carved and brought to the city of Rool to be enchanted. This was done and the enchanting took a full fortnight, the result being the binding of much magical power to each figure, so that when they might be placed on the altar of the Great Red God it would open a portal to his treasure chamber, inside of which lie wonders undreamed of.”

Luke and Flame looked at each other for a moment. Any mention of great treasure always caught a pirate’s attention.

Going to the larger book, Luke began reading from it.

“It was in 1055 K.E. that the empire of the northern dwarves began to fall due to the loss of five enchanted figures that were being taken to Mount Tarkarus. The procession of mostly priests and wizards was beset upon by a horde of Gray Men and their allies, a pair of Blue Dragons. Most of the priests were slain and the figures were carried away by two of the survivors, a wizard and a young servant boy. Neither they nor the figures have been seen since.”

1055 K.E.? That was 1,500 years ago!”

Luke nodded. “More like 1,700, but still very long ago. The northern dwarf empire fell in 1190 K.E. And there hasn’t been a Gray Man seen in the north or anywhere else since 74 R.E. However, I happen to know that 3 other figures have been found and are now in the Imperial Museum of Ardovia. I also have every reason to believe that if the four are brought together, they will show the location of the fifth.”

Flame smiled at her uncle. Once a pirate, always a pirate.

“So,” she said, “Where the hell is Ardovia and how should we go about stealing those figures?”

It’s All Fun And Games Until Somebody Gets Attacked By A Sex Crazed Emu

…my Christmas Eve was ruined!


365 DAYS, 365 POSTS #4


The Adventures of Captain Flame #1

Oriana O’Dell, known to the general public as Captain Flame, renowned pirate and captain of the Sea Dragon, was on her way to a business meeting with Captain Renaldo Lucasi, once known as Captain “Black Lukas” Storm, but these last 15 years known as a wealthy trader, patron of the arts and highly desirable bachelor pursued by many ladies in this fair city of Diamond Bay.

He was also both a buyer/distributor of stolen goods and a scholar of all things mystical and magical. Flame had known him all her life, seeing as how he was a dear friend of her parents, themselves retired pirates. “Uncle Luke” was, she hoped, going to not only buy a load of Dwarven made armor and weapons she and her crew had recently liberated, but shed some light on a highly magical figurine that her Quartermaster, Francisco Zappa, had found among a chest full of jewelry. The three inch high primitive carving of a nude man fairly hummed with magical energy, but even though she herself was an Eldritch Knight, she had learned nothing from it or her few books on magical artifacts. Short of going far inland to the College of Mages, Uncle Luke was her best bet.

When she arrived at the gate of his villa, a muscled up young fellow stopped her.

“Hold up, miss. This is the villa of Captain Lucasi and only invited persons may enter. Your name, please.”

She smiled at him and said, “Oriana O’Dell, here to see the captain on important business.”

The guard smiled a bored smile and looked at the notice board on the wall. “Sorry, miss, but I see no Oriana O’Dell here. Of course, it could be that you were meant to come in using the back entry.”

The intimation was clear. Her red hair, youthful body and fashionable dress made him think that, since she was not on the guest list, she was a prostitute. This made her blood boil.

“Listen to me, lad. I’m to be a guest of the Captain Lucasi tonight, so you just get a message up to the house so they can correct this error and I can get inside.”

A scowl set on the guard’s face and he stepped up very near her.

“Now you look, missy. I’m an ex-pirate and I will have none of your bitchy talk. You get your redheaded ass around back or I’ll show you how a pirate deals with your kind.”

Flame stepped up until she was inches from his face. Being as how they were both over 6 feet tall, this put them eye to eye.

“No, you listen to me, you muscle brained son of a whore. I know all about pirates. I was born to pirates, raised by pirates, schooled by pirates and I command pirates. I have eaten and drunk with pirates, fought with pirates, partied with pirates, fucked pirates, loved pirates, broken the hearts of pirates, helped pirates, raided with pirates and on occasion even killed pirates. I’ve sailed every sea on this planet and raided more ships than you’ve had hot meals. I’m wanted by a dozen governments and I’m a friend to oppressed folk everywhere. I’m a pirate captain, an Eldritch Knight and the woman who will fry you like a smelt and use your scrotum as a coin purse. My name is Captain Flame. Now, am I getting in or not?”

The guard was afraid to move, seeing as how one of her hands was raised near his face and on fire while the other held a rapier that she had not possessed a moment ago tight against his crotch.

“C-C-Captain Flame? Umm…yes ma’am, you are on the list. S-Step right in, Captain.”

She willed her rapier back to her cabin on the Sea Dragon and shut down the Flame Blast spell. As she passed through the gate, she turned to the guard, who looked as though he might collapse at any moment.

“I know you were just doing your job, mate, but you should think very carefully when making any assumptions about a woman. The next one may not be as sweet tempered as I am.”

She then proceeded up the drive to the villa.