The Locked Down, But Not Yet Stir Crazy, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Face Mask From The Future

…co-starring her pet monkey, Ahab

 

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The Doclopedia #1,942

The Alphabet #8: B Is For…

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Biscuit Elves, by which we mean American biscuits, not British cookies.

The Biscuit Elves are happy little folks who make all sorts of delicious biscuits, then leave them on humans kitchen table to be found just before breakfast. Sometimes they makes them for dinner.

Every Biscuit Elf has a Southern accent, except Frank, who sounds just like a Yankee and is mostly just assigned to butter duty.

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The Doclopedia #1,943

The Alphabet #8: A Is For…

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Alonzo The Wonder Goat, an important magical creature on Earth 876-Q.

It seems that Alonzo was not only a sapient goat, he was damned smart and also a talented spellcaster. He is the creator of such spells as “Whirling Blades Of Death”, “Wall Of Shit”, “Detect Really Dangerous Stuff” and the always popular “Summon Sandwich And A Cold Beer”, among many others.

Voted Greatest Wizard 7 times, Alonzo retired at the age of 128 to live on a farm and be used as a stud.

Vanilla Fun Cakes

…YUM!

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The Doclopedia #1,940

The Alphabet #8: D Is For…

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Disaster Dog, the main character in a series of children’s books on Earth 2-A.

Disaster Dog is a lovable mutt who lives with the Poobler family. He is drawn to look like a really large cockapoo. His actual name is Dudley.

In each book, Dudley causes major problems around the town of Jellyville. These often involve Mister Wister, the Poobler’s short tempered neighbor The havoc wrecked by Dudley often causes widespread panic in the streets, at least until Ruby and Eugene Poobler, the Poobler children, find a way to clear things up and cover up Dudley’s involvement.

There are 16 books in the series so far. The latest is “Disaster Dog and the Marble Madness.

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The Doclopedia #1,941

The Alphabet #8: C Is For…

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Canadian Chicken Race, an annual race held in British Columbia, Canada, on Earth 1-V. As many as 500 people from around the world race 15 miles through the wilderness while wearing chicken suits. It’s a wacky race and gets international coverage.

The problem is that on Earth 1-V, environmental awareness started up in the 1880s and by 2020, there are a whole lot more animals out in the wild. As a result, every year, at least a few runners get attacked by wolves, bears, mountain lions and wolverines. The route changes every year, but attacks keep happening. After 22 years, you’d think Canada would stop the race or maybe people would stay away, but neither is true.

Pam The Talking Vacuum Cleaner Goes Wild

…but she still sucks

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The Doclopedia #1,938

The Alphabet #8: F Is For…
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Frisky Fox, a well known figure in the furry community on Earth 1-H. This woman, possessed of quite an attractive figure, wears a form fitting red fox outfit with a very cute full head mask. She turns heads whenever she walks by.

A fixture at furry, science fiction and anime cons, she is well known for seducing and having sex with newbie male furries. Apparently, she pretty much wears them out, then sends them off with a hug.

Nothing is known about who she really is. She has been going to cons as Frisky Fox for 20 years, so she has to be at least in her mid to late 30s. Her accent changes for each con. She is about 5’4” tall and probably weighs 110 pounds.

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The Doclopedia #1,939

The Alphabet #8: E Is For…

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…End Of The Road, a tiny town way out in the boondocks of eastern Oregon. It is really at the end of a 30 mile long road (EOTR Road). There just is no more road and if there was, you could only go about a mile before you’s drive off a cliff into a canyon.

End Of The Road has a population of about 200 people, pretty evenly divided between small farmers and artists. The average age of the citizens is 40. There is exactly 1 business, Red’s Place. Part store, bar, cafe and town hall, it also has one gas pump out front. If you want anything that Red’s doesn’t have, you’ll have to drive 65 miles to get it at another, larger town.

Jabberwocky In A Funhouse

…I have no idea how

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The Doclopedia #1,936

The Alphabet #8: H Is For…
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Hitler’s Hillbillies, a popular country band of the 1930s and 40s, on Earth 3-W. On that Earth, Adolph Hitler’s parents came to the US as immigrants three years before his birth and settled in Kentucky. Young Adolph grew up loving folk music and bluegrass and became quite an accomplished banjo player and singer. He formed his first band in 1917 and they became popular on a regional level.

By the mid 20s, the band was touring widely and had put out a few records that did well. Adolph expanded the band and renamed them “Hitler’s Hillbilllies”. Soon, they were touring nationally and performing regularly on the Grand Old Opry.

Although the band continued to tour and record into the late 50s, Adolph spent more time with the record label he founded, A Hit Records. The band performed their last show, on the Opry, on July 4th, 1958.
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The Doclopedia #1,937

The Alphabet #8: G Is For…
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…G-5: Castle Temptation, an infamous, illegal and universally banned adventure module for Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. It was sold at a few conventions in 1981.

The only product produced by Pork Store Games, it was created as an extension of the popular “G” series of 4 linked modules. The big difference is that G-5 was chock full of graphic and kinky sex, gory violence and trademark/copyright infringements. When news of it hit the media, the shit hit the fan.

According to an anonymous letter sent out to about 50 well known gamers and a few news outlets, only 1,000 copies were ever printed and only 250 were actually sold, usually in an alley near a game con by masked individuals.

Today, copies of G-5 can only be sold secretly, but have fetched prices as high as $10,000.00. However, last month, a post on many gaming sites and social media said that the remaining 750 copies of G-5 would be sold at game conventions in North America and Europe soon. The price will be $200.00 per copy, cash only.

My Life Among The Flowering Plants

…and insects, lots of insects
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The Doclopedia #1,934

The Alphabet #8: J Is For…
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Jethro Troll, a very famous and popular rock & roll group on PotterEarth 5. It consists of a bass player, drummer, two guitarists, keyboard player and a flute player who habitually stands on one leg while playing.

The group is known for such hot selling and critically acclaimed albums as “Aquatongue”, “Thick As A Spellbook” and “Too Old To Rock & Roll, Too Young To Become A Lich”.

No member of the group is a troll.

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The Doclopedia #1,935

The Alphabet #8: I Is For…

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Ignatz Kwazimi, a Mad Scientist from Africa on Earth 227-P. Very little is known about his age or appearance, since he insists on wearing a mask and robes when making his regular demands via television, radio and the internet.

Doctor Kwazimi, as he insists on being called, is a prolific and probably nutty, issuer of demands. He usually asks for a billion or two dollars, lest he unleash his latest creation on the world. So far, he has made maybe 2 million dollars, mostly from folks on Patreon who want to see what crazy shit he invents next.

So far, he has unleashed Chocolate Warriors (melted in 20 minutes), Giant Spiders (crushed by their own weight), Giant Ants (same), Giant Hamsters (same), Death Gas (made most people sneeze a few times), Insanity Bomb (cured 92 people of a cat phobia) and a Giant Iron War Centipede (got rained on in the first hour and rusted solid).

Hobbits! We’re All Becoming Hobbits!

…without Second Breakfast

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The Doclopedia #1,930

The Alphabet #8: N Is For…
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…Newt People
, a race of humanoid amphibians on Earth 925-J. They stand about 4 feet tall and look pretty much like newts that have been rendered anthropomorphic by magic, which is exactly what happened 500 years ago.

The Newt People are a gentle race that dislike violence and shun warfare and magic. The live at an Iron Age level and like it that way.

The main homeland of the Newt People is Girran Bog, although several hundred also live in the Wetlands of Tando.

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The Doclopedia #1,931

The Alphabet #8: M Is For…
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Mira Lim, was also known as the Crime Queen on Earth 2-W. She was a master criminal, having learned the craft from her grandmother, mother and aunts. Born in San Francisco to Chinese citizens, Mira returned to Hong Kong at the age of 16, By her 20th birthday, she was second in command of the most feared all female gang in the city. By 25, she controlled the gang and was busy murdering her rivals. When she turned 30, she controlled all crime in the city and a good bit of it on the mainland.

Mira died from cancer at the age of 80. The next day, Hong Kong erupted in a gang war that still rages 20 years later.

Dogs in Lockdown, Cats Held Prisoner

…it’s a tragedy

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The Doclopedia #1,928

The Alphabet #8: P Is For…
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Pieboy, is a resident of our own Earth Prime. In the years 1977-1980, he was a young college student who worked at the family bakery while going to school. During his first semester, he started hanging out with an eclectic bunch of slightly older students. Since his specialty at the bakery was pies, he would often bring them to parties. They were delicious and so he got the nickname Pieboy.

Pieboy was also known for getting involved in crazy undertakings like “Downhill Mud Surfing”, “Nude Tree Climbing” and a particularly demented and disastrous road trip to Portland, Oregon.

Finally, being a cute and innocent looking lad, Pieboy often found himself being seduced by older women. He eventually married one of them and now lives with her in Canada.

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The Doclopedia #1,929

The Alphabet #8: O Is For…

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Ontrosko, a large city on the Atlantean Plateau, in central Atlantis on Earth 57-S. It has a population of 2.25 million people and is the travel and recreation hub of the continent.

Being in a largely flat plateau with a Mediterranean climate, Ontrosko enjoys good weather most of the year. As a result, it is also the entertainment center of Atlantis, home to nearly all of the movie and television studios.

Like most Atlantean cities and towns, Ontrosko is laid out in concentric rings, with 128 hub streets running across it. Public transportation is the fastest way to get around, although many people walk, ride bicycles or use floaters to travel.

Tourists from outside Atlantis should be aware that, more than any other city on the continent, Ontrosko has an extremely relaxed attitude about sex, sexuality and nudity. Prostitution is legal and visible and sex clubs can be found all over the city.

No Zombies Yet!

…thankfully

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The Doclopedia #1,926

The Alphabet #8: R Is For…

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Red Fog, a very nasty thing to encounter on Earth 88-G. Composed of hundreds of millions of bloodsucking tickwasps half the size of a grain of rice, they can drain an average sized human of blood in under 90 seconds.

Red Fog occurs primarily in Europe and North America. Tickwasps do not survive long in hot arid regions or in hot humid regions. They have few predators, the main one being the Black Widemouth Day Bat. One of them can swallow up 2,000 tickwasps in a single pass. The Red Fog will not drink their blood due to a naturally occurring toxin.

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The Doclopedia #1,927

The Alphabet #8: Q Is For…

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Queerzini The Magnificent, a very popular gay illusionist and escape artist on Earth 2-O. He has done several television specials and regularly appears in Las Vegas. His shows are outrageous, bawdy and totally fabulous. He and is assistants sing, dance and tell jokes, all while performing great stage magic.

Aside from all the flamboyance of his show, Queerzini (real name: Dennis Leoni) is consistently rated one of the top 5 illusionists of all time. He has written 11 books on magic and magicians and regularly advises movie productions.

When not on the road, he lives in San Diego with his husband and three daughters.

Jumping Through Hoops To Bring You These Blogs

…but do you ever write or call? No, you don’t

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The Doclopedia #1,924

The Alphabet #8: T Is For…

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Transformational Tommy, a comic book about a trans man and his journey. Written in a semi-autobiographical style, the 15 issue comic was heavy on humor. The author/artist, Tommy Allison, poked fun at parents, friends, employers, doctors and especially, himself.

The comic sold very well for a small independent and got valuable exposure when Tommy appeared on Late Night with David Letterman. Eventually, a movie was made. It did pretty well at the box office and spawned a 16 episode series on Netflix.

Allison’s next comic is titled “Love? WTF?”
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The Doclopedia #1,925

The Alphabet #8: S Is For…

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…Slime Be Gone, a very popular slime/ooze/jelly/blob/pudding repellent widely sold on Earth 890-A. It really does keep away those silent, formless and deadly dungeon dwellers. At 15 gold pieces per 3 dose bottle, it’s aa bargain.

Also available at fine apothecaries everywhere: No Gnolls!, Spider Scram, Zom-B-Gone and Orc Off!

Hunkering Down With Books & Beer

…could be worse

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The Doclopedia #1,922

The Alphabet #8: V Is For…

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Velvet Warrior, an androgynous glam metal band popular on Earth 1-B for about 18 months in the late 70s. Their first album “Beware The Velvet Warrior”, had three #1 hits. They did a 9 month arena tour of North America and Europe, then came home to Los Angeles and worked on their second album “Soft Ax”.

Their second album had one song reach #8 on the charts for two weeks, but the rest of it was totally forgettable. Within a few months, the band broke up, reformed 6 months later, then broke up again. They re-formed in 1998 and have been doing nostalgia shows ever since.

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The Doclopedia #1,923

The Alphabet #8: U Is For…

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Utassia, a dwarf planet found in the solar system of Earth 8-M. Utassia, named for Gaby Utassia, the astronomer who discovered it in 1678, is about twice the size of Earths moon and orbits between the asteroid belt and Jupiter.

Utassia has a very thin layer of ice covering its surface, mostly carbon dioxide. There is also water ice, which makes Utassia an excellent choice for refueling for ship bound for the outer solar system.

Utassia Base has a permanent population of 4,200 humans and 400 robots. It is governed by the Solar Federation.

Locked Down, But Not Out

…we sstill have food and toilet paper

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The Doclopedia #1,920

The Alphabet #8: X Is For…

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Xilk, a new miracle fabric on Earth 2-H. It feels and looks like silk, but is far tougher and fire resistant. Currently, it is also more expensive. Xilk is produced by creatures that are a mix of Black Widow Spider and Toggenberg dairy goats. You would not want to encounter one anywhere.

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The Doclopedia #1,921

The Alphabet #8: W Is For…

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Wizard Day, a major holiday on Earth 600-R. People dress up as wizards and have parades and give gifts to their favorite wizards. In turn, the wizards cast cool and useful spells. They also hand out candies. The entire day is topped off by a wizard inspired fireworks show.

This REALLY Is Not The Corona You’re Looking For

…it ain’t beer

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Dear Readers,

My internet connection has been out for 3 days and California is on Covid 19 lockdown. To prevent falling further behind on Doclopedia entries, I’m switching themes to the much faster and easier old standby theme “The Alphabet.”

This will be the 8th time I’ve done this theme, so just to make it interesting this time around, I’m going to do it in reverse. When I finish it, I’ll return to “State Secrets”.

Doc

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The Doclopedia #1,918

The Alphabet #8: Z Is For…

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Zebra Sharks, which are very large man eating sharks found on Earth 9-K. Measuring up to 20 feet long, these striped sharks can survive for up to 10 days in fresh water, much like the Bull Shark in our world. They can survive up to two months in brackish water. Because of this, they often encounter humans, who they will readily kill and eat.

Although native to Africa, the Zebra Shark has managed to make its way to Asia, Australia and the Mediterranean. There is great fear that it may make its way to South America, then northward.
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The Doclopedia #1,919

The Alphabet #8: Y Is For…

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Yeeting, an insanely dangerous “sport” on Earth 1-D in which people, almost exclusively teenagers, yell “YEET!” and dive out of windows, hopefully landing on pre-arranged soft material. Sometimes they do, but those idiots who leap from very high windows often miss and die or suffer serious permanent injuries.

The highest Yeet survived so far is 12 stories, done from a bank in Denver. The young man who did it is in prison now for the next two years.

Wicked Flamingos Pestered My Penguins

…pink bastards!

 

The Doclopedia #1,481

The Alphabet: Z is For…Zikritz

Among the Guldiartan Dwarves, the game of Zikritz might as well be the national pastime. Everyone played it when they were young and most bet on it when they become adults. Each Dwarven clan has their own pro team and when the Zikritz Cup is held every 3 years, work pretty much comes to a stop.

Zikritz is played on an X shaped field. Each arm of the X is 200 feet long and 50 feet wide. The goals are a pair of 5 foot wide holes in the center and similar 2.5 foot holes at the end of each arm. The arms are not smooth and flat, but have small hills and depressions all along them.

The game starts with 6 players from each team on the center of the field, facing outward around the two scoring holes. One player from each team is located in front of the scoring holes at each arm. When the horn blows, a ball is tossed into the midway point of one of the arms and the game is on.

Scoring is simple: get the ball into your team’s center hole and you score 1 point. Get it into your team’s hole in any arm and you score 3 points. Since this is a dwarven game, you can expect lots of shoving, tripping, tackling, punching and body slamming. Games run for exactly two hours, at which point the winning team is declared and then both teams head off for a raucous feast.

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The Doclopedia #1,482

The Alphabet: Z is For…Zenobia Savage

Now look, I ain’t sayin’ that Zenobia has anything more in common with that big bronze skinned guy than a last name. Then again, I ain’t sayin’ she don’t. I’m just sayin’ that it don’t take much observin’ to see all the similarities.

I mean, Zenobia is tall, right? 6’2” is taller than most men. She’s strong, too. Remember that time she knocked out that big German spy with one punch? That was damned impressive.

Then there’s how friggin’ smart she is. She’s a genius at all sorts of things. You an’ me, Joey, we ain’t idiots, an’ Stan is smarter than both of us, but she makes us all look dumb as doorknobs. She’s got them PhDs and stuff from universities.

Yeah, right, she’s rich, too. Got them cars an’ planes an’ boats an’ that big fancy house outside of Baltimore. Yeah, an’ that place out west in, whadda ya call it, Santa Barbera. I mean, we know she owns businesses an’ stuff, but maybe dear old dad gave her a nice grubstake after college.

Oh yeah, sure, she ain’t white like he is, but what of it? You gots Irish mixed with yer Puerto Rican an it’s plain to see that I ain’t one race or the other. I figure the big guy met some fine black woman an’ things went on from there. Ya know, rumor has it he’s got a half Chinese daughter and a son that’s half Navajo. Big handsome guy like him must be getting ladies on him like ants on a sugar bowl. Why, I’ll bet he…

Oh, hi, Zeno? Us, oh we was just yakkin’. Trouble somewhere? Hey, you know we’re yer boys!

Fizzy Drinks And Fuzzy Minks

…FUN!

 

The Doclopedia #1,479

The Alphabet: Y is For…Yodeling Marmots

The Yodeling Marmots of Potawango Island comprise two distinct species. The Great Gray Yodeling Marmot lives just above the tree line in the Spotoo Mountains. The average about 24 inches long and weigh between 8 and 14 pounds. They are a uniform medium gray color. The males are the only ones that yodel, Their yodels are high pitched and usually about 30 seconds long. Yodeling is both a statement of territory and, in the fall, a mating call.

The Yellow Striped Yodeling Marmot is found substantially lower in not only the Spotoo Mountains, but in the Hekatuk and Colino Mountains as well. These smaller marmots seldom measure more than 16 inches long or weigh more than 6 pounds. Dark brown with a thin yellow stripe running down both sides of it’s body, both sexes yodel a deeper, shorter, yodel than their high mountain cousins.

The Doclopedia #1,480

The Alphabet: Y is For…Yodoy Forest

The Yodoy Forest on Panthos 4 is notable in that it slowly moves from place to place. 150 years ago, when humans first landed on the planet, the roughly 700,000 acre forest was 58 miles farther north and 123 miles farther east than it is now. Time lapse video from orbiting satellites shows this in a most astonishing manner. The trees actually move a few inches every couple of nights. Sometimes, they won’t move for a week, but will then move a foot or more in a single night.

The creatures that live in the Yodoy Forest seem to take this movement in stride. Human who have tried to live in the forest get mentally agitated at the constant subtle changes. No human has ever lasted more that 4 months in the forest.

Milk Bones Raining From The Sky!

…because I dropped the box

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,477

The Alphabet: X is For…X Series

The X series of adventure modules was published by 100 Dragon Games starting in February,1980, with “Goblin Hunt!” and finishing in August, 1981, with “Escape From Demon Mountain”. The series is widely considered the best 100 Dragon Games ever made. The complete series consists of…

Goblin Hunt!: A town/forest adventure for characters 1st-3rd level

Entering Goblinland: An underground adventure for characters 2nd-3rd level

The Caverns Of Chaos: An underground adventure for characters 3rd-4th level

Lair Of The Demon: A castle/dungeon adventure for characters 4th-5th level

Escape From Demon Mountain: An outdoor adventure for characters 5th-6th level

The series was notable for interesting (but not always trustworthy) NPCs, tough opponents, clever (but surprisingly non-lethal) traps, and a finale that proceeded down a mountain at breakneck speed.

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The Doclopedia #1,478

The Alphabet: X is For…Xol Xoz

Xol Xoz was a god of nature in the pantheon of the ancient Elzmarians. She was represented by a woman with flowers and vines growing out of her body. She was always accompanied by a moonfox and a teer bird.

It was said that where Xol Xoz walked, the plants grew larger and the animals more intelligent. When she would lie down to sleep, a grove of beautiful trees would soon grow in that spot. She was also known to bless women with easy childbirth.

Her husband was Han Horan, the water god, but she was said to have taken Ulus Uw, the earth god as a secret lover. This explains why the water erodes the land, but the land eventually fills up bodies of water.
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Isn’t It Time For Some Frivolity?

…of course it is!

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,475

The Alphabet: W is For…Worms Of Prall

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On the planet Prall, located 598 light years from Earth, the most popular tourist attraction are the Worms of Prall. These enormous creatures, each measuring as much as 5 miles long, gather once a year on the swamp continent Rellor to mate, after which the females lay eggs and then all of the adults die in a blaze of bright colors that is visible from space.

During their one year of life, Worms of Prall are hidden just a few feet below the surface of the ground. They feed on organic matter, growing very long, but only a dozen or so feet wide. They have almost no predators except loofs, renninn and gwirshbars. While the total population seldom tops 100,000, it has been known to drop to less than half that every few decades. Nobody knows why.

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The Doclopedia #1,476

The Alphabet: W is For…Wind Boat

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A wind boat uses the same magicks as a sky ship to float through the air, but at a much lower level. Because of this, wind boats never reach an altitude of more than 100 feet. They are also not powered by wind spells for propulsion, so they can only travel at the speed of the wind, or at the speed of rowers using large wind oars.

Wind boats are generally small, no longer than 24 feet or wider than 8 feet. They are mostly used for local travel, hauling passengers and goods. Still, many adventurers have used wind boats for long voyages, such as the time Tylin the Lucky and his band of adventurers crossed the Black Desert to reach the Maze of Xask, or when the Sisterhood of the Violet Dawn sailed two wind boats across the Great Inland Sea to the ruins of Glay Gudar.

Splendid Lily Had a Way With Words

…mostly naughty words

 

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The Doclopedia #1,471

The Alphabet: U is For…Upstairs At The Regal

On Noir Earth 3, the classiest nightclub in Kansas City is Upstairs At The Regal. Located on the 15th floor of the Regal Hotel, it features well stocked bars, top line entertainment and a staff that knows how to take care of the needs of the high rolling customers.

This is the place where you’ll find politicians, wealthy businessmen and criminal kingpins, often at the same table. Sometimes even in the same body. Deals get done here, with fortunes being made or taken over a perfectly made cocktail.

Not everyone here is a big mover and shaker. Many guests are just rich folks out to have a good time. They drink a bit too much, talk a bit too loud and keep the band playing hits until closing time.

Causing any sort of trouble here is a stupid move. The bouncers will be on you in a hot second and toss you into the elevator to the lobby. You won’t be allowed back soon, if at all.

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The Doclopedia #1,472

The Alphabet: U is For…Utah Creeper

Nobody knows how the salt tolerant plant known as the Utah Creeper got started, or even if it is from this planet, but it can’t be denied that it is doing well.

In 1910, when the vines were first discovered in salty soil near the Great Salt Lake, they covered about an acre. The quarter inch thick dark green vines with their tiny dark green leaves didn’t look like any known species. Samples were sent to several universities and it was quickly agreed that this was a new species. It was also agreed that the plant could not be grown from the sample cuttings.

By 1915, the vines covered 12 acres and grew as thick as 3 inches and tall, up to 7 feet. Walking through the vines was nearly impossible due to the thick intertwining of the vines. Scientists learned that nothing seemed to eat the vines and the vines would grow into any animal that died in them. These carcasses would be completely gone in a couple of months, leaving only bones behind.

In 1937, the U.S. Government measured the size of the vine patch from the air and determined that it covered 840 acres. Measurements in 1955 put the size at 4,000 acres. In 2002, the vine coverage seemed to stop at 32,000 acres.

While the vines cannot grow in pure salt, they seem to grow only in very salty soils in Utah. The vines do not produce flowers or fruits. There seems to be no useful properties to the vines. Eradication is possible via the use of acids, with ordinary white vinegar working quite well.

Since the vines cover a large area of otherwise useless land, the state and federal governments pretty much leave it be. The vines do absorb some water from Great Salt Lake, but not enough to cause problems.

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The Doclopedia #1,473

The Alphabet: V is For…Vanishing Women

The Vanishing Women of Pune, India, are about as positive a proof of the supernatural as you’ll ever find. They’ve been there for 250 years and they have been seen by hundreds of thousands of people. They have also claimed the lives of over 2,000 men.

The story behind the Vanishing Women is pretty straightforward. Around 1770, a group of women grew tired of the men in the area abusing them, so they beat the crap out of something like 200 men. Sadly, this did not educate the men, it just pissed them off. They proceeded to riot through the town, eventually killing 90 women. The remaining townswomen quickly became passive and meek. The men continued being assholes.

That changed on the first anniversary of the riot. Starting at sunrise, the ghosts of the dead women appeared and walked among the terrified living. Worse yet, they would confront the men that had killed them and scare them into having massive heart attacks or panicking into fatal accidents. As the men died, the ghosts vanished. Everyone thought that might be the end, since they had killed 40 of the murderers. They were wrong.

The vanishing women have appeared every day or night for the last 250 years. They seek out cruel and abusive men and kill them. This has become far less of an issue over the centuries, since the sort of men they would kill do not live their anymore.

Scientists have studied the Vanishing Women for decades and have learned astoundingly little, aside from the fact that the women register on very few instruments. On the other hand, they have become a major tourist draw. Unless you are a cruel and abusive man.
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The Doclopedia #1,474

The Alphabet: V is For…Vilk

Vilk is good for you! You should eat vilk at least 4 times a week. More would be better. You can eat it raw, boiled, backed, steamed or fried. Season it with mugloo for a wonderful treat! Eating vilk will promote good health and strength. If you do not already do so, start eating vilk today!

This message was brought to you by the Vilk Advisory Board, an arm of the Vilk Growers Cooperative.

Whoever Invented Allergies Can Die In A Fire

…twice

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The Doclopedia #1,469

The Alphabet: T is For…Time Reversal Grenade

A Time Reversal Grenade is exactly what you think it it: a small hand grenade that, when it goes off, reverses time in an approximately 75 foot wide circle. The time reversal is only 10 seconds, but that can allow you to gain 10 seconds in a chase, shoot several enemies before they see you, or cut the correct wire on the bomb you just set speeding toward zero.

Time Reversal Grenades are not cheap or plentiful. Expect to pay about 5 million bucks each and you might be able to buy 2. Another thing to know is to never set off two Time Reversal Grenades at once. The result will be a temporal vortex that will suck you and everything for 100 feet into the past from 6 months to 3 years. That never ends well.

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The Doclopedia #1,470

The Alphabet: T is For…Tiny Dancers

Nobody knows where Tiny Dancers come from. Most sages and scholars agree that they probably originate on some other plane of existence, but where that might be is unknown.

Tiny Dancers are 6 inch tall human, elf or dwarf looking humanoids who appear in random areas from cities to forests to dungeons. They appear in groups of from 10 to 50 and immediately start dancing a merry little folk dance. Music, seemingly coming from thin air, accompanies them. The dancing lasts for exactly five minutes, then the dancers stop, bow and disappear. Tiny Dancers are immune to all known spells or magical devices.

The most important thing about the Tiny Dancers is that any intelligent creature, and that ranges from dogs right up to genius dragons, will stop what they are doing and watch the dance until it ends. They will do nothing else unless attacked physically.

Only two races seem to be unaffected by Tiny Dancers: Halflings and Storm Giants. If your adventuring group includes one or more halflings, this immunity could come in very handy for getting the rest of you away from watching the dance.

In This Episode: Uncle Lou Catches “Old Fin”, Earl Gets Fired And Louella Buys A Hat

… Old Fin is a catfish

 

The Doclopedia #1,467

The Alphabet: S is For…Sinkholes Of Mars


In the Earth 3-B universe, the planet Mars is 25% larger than our Mars and has copious liquid water under the surface. In some areas, this water has built up pressure and eaten away at the soil above it. Everything looks fine until enough weight is placed upon the topsoil, then it collapses into a sinkhole.

Before humans learned how to identify these areas, mankind lost 5 rovers, two supply landers and a mega-robot meant to build the first dome. Since 2017, sinkhole locating satellites have identified 397 potential sinkholes. Space Fleet has a program to blast most of them open, allowing them to be visible and for water to be pumped out. So far, they have opened 87 of them.

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The Doclopedia #1,468

The Alphabet: S is For…Serious Sally

On Earth 562-E, there is a masked vigilante that strikes terror into the hearts of criminals. Her name is Serious Sally.

Wearing a black & gold Spandex suit that covers her from head to toe, the 5’5” Sally goes out at night armed with a high tech quarterstaff, a bunch of electrified shurikens and a really serious attitude about crime. By dawn, she has beaten the crap out of several criminals and prevented several burglaries, robberies and assaults. Rapists bodies are never found.

Sally does not seem to have any actual super powers, but she is a master of several martial art styles and has many electronic gadgets that aid her. Some of her victims claim she has one or more assistants, and the police believe this, but there is no solid proof to back it up.

Serious Sally is also very good at getting information about supposed “untouchable” criminal kingpins, corrupt city officials and dirty cops. She releases the information to news outlets and the internet. She has brought down some very big players.

How Serious is Sally? Well, when Joe “Kneecaps” Vitaliano, the biggest crime boss in town, put a $2,000,000.00 price tag on her head, he was found three days later hanging upside down naked from the street light at 1st & Main. He had been beaten to a pulp, had his underwear stuffed in his mouth and his prized kneecapping baseball bat shoved up his ass. A sign hanging from his neck said: “I was beaten up by a girl half my size”. Nobody has yet tried to collect the two million, assuming Joe “Wheelchair” Vitaliano is still up for paying it.

Don’t Look Behind Your Chair!

…you looked, didn’t you?

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Confessions Of A Time Traveler

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Scum & Villainy & Me

As you may have guessed from the title, this confession is about politics and my meddling therein. Not all of my messing about was aimed at creating new timelines. Some of it was that old time travel situation where you find yourself in a circumstance where you are responsible for our history going according to plan.

The best example of that when I accidentally used the term “national parks” during a conversation with Teddy Roosevelt several years before he was elected president. I also may have not done my best at warning Julius Caesar about his impending death. You win, you lose.

Most of the time I’ve gone into our past has been with the expressed intent of spinning off new universes. It’s fun and it gives others a timeline without the same scum and villainy we know.

A great example is the several times I managed to get J. Edgar Hoover out of the FBI by about 1940 or so. I usually neuralize him into just stepping down, but a few times my dislike for the blackmailing little son of a bitch caused me to frame him for crimes ranging from embezzlement to first degree murder.

Getting rid of Hoover often has some interesting cascade effects. In particular, it spells bad news for the Mafia, since Hoover’s refusal to admit they existed slowed efforts to take organized crime down. But if you have old Eddie go to the joint on murder charges, or even just resign because he was embezzling, the FBI suddenly starts to distance itself from him. The result is a whole lot less Mob.

Another effect is improving race relations because the Klan gets infiltrated earlier and better. Oh, and another really great effect? Ronald Reagan either stays a Democrat or becomes a much less influential Republican.

Speaking of Ronnie Raygun, I have clipped his political wings dozens of times. Of course, I’ve also had him be very successful as a liberal Democrat. In fact, he was the best Democratic president since FDR, and maybe even more popular. He was certainly the most popular governor of California until Kamala Harris came along.

Communism is fun to stamp out, but also pretty easy if you just waste Marx & Lenin early on. Or maybe convince them to emigrate to the USA and become pig farmers.

In China, some well used neuralizing caused a huge wave or pro-American democracy to get rid of the previous infant communist government.

Moving over to England, you’d be surprised at the changes that happen if you make Queen Victoria less of an empire builder and more of a suffragette. It also helps to not let Prince Albert die until the last year or two of the Queen’s life.

Naturally, you can effect huge changes by preventing Lincoln or either of the Kennedys from getting assassinated. Or by having Tricky Dick Nixon, not run for president in 1968. Or by having him actually get impeached and found guilty. Or by having that happen and he goes to jail. Good times.

I’m sure some of you wonder about new timelines where the current orange pinhead is not president. I’d love to tell you exciting stories about the many ways I prevented that, but the fact is, I just went back several generations and made sure his ancestors never left Germany. Ever. Just for good measure, I kept his mom in Scotland, too.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go visit the Founding Fathers with a much more detailed Constitution in one hand and a neuralizer in the other.
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The Doclopedia #1,465

The Alphabet: R is For…Reverse Dungeon

On Halloween, 2014, fifty of the biggest names in the tabletop roleplaying games industry got together for the Third Annual NotACon. NotACon is a three day get together designed to let the people who write, edit, illustrate and publish RPGs just get together to hang out and play games. No running a booth, no meetings, no talking to customers or distributors, no panels, just playing games, eating food & drinking beverages.

That year, six well known industry people declared that a game would run for 30 hours of the con. 30 straight hours. The six GMs would rotate and run the game for 10 players at a time. Players could play for as long as they wanted, then tag out with another player who would take their place. No actual breaks for meals or anything else. A timer would count down the time.

The system was AD&D first edition and the plot was simple: Over centuries, PCs has looted the Dungeon of Tarkon until nothing was left. Tarkon, now a god, got pretty pissed off about that and decided that if his dungeon was not fully restored, stocked with loot, traps and monsters, he would destroy the known world.

A very nice map showed that the dungeon was equidistant from three great cities and many temples, dungeons and ruins. Plenty of places for the PCs to find what they needed. The problem was, they could not tell anyone why they needed so much loot. As you might expect, that created many problems.

The timer started immediately after Tarkon finished telling the PCs what was up. At that moment, to quote one woman who played, “shit got real”. For the first 14 hours, the PCs frantically ran around stealing, begging, buying and even making loot. In doing so, they started a couple of wars and got themselves wanted by every kingdom around.

The remaining 16 hours saw 7 of the 10 characters stocking and trapping the dungeon, while the remaining three went out to trap monsters or persuade the sapient ones to go live in the nice new dungeon. This went about as well as you might expect for a few hours, but then they began to get takers.

When the game ended, they dungeon was finished to Tarkon’s liking and the players had 11 minutes to spare. Everyone declared the game great fun and then all 50 attendees got together to “recap the madness” and have a few drinks.

Several months later, a team of 8 GMs ran a very similar game over a 48 hour period for a total of 164 players at the world’s largest gaming convention. Since then, Reverse Dungeons have been run at cons all over the world, including every year at NotACon.

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The Doclopedia #1,466

The Alphabet: R is For…Roof Goblins

In late 19th century Paris, gangs of street children took to using the rooftops to travel, thus avoiding the police on the street. Soon, these young thieves and scalawags became known as “gobelins au toit, or roof goblins.

Usually lead by a teenager or two, most of the kids were pre-teens. They lived in attics, besements, down in the catacombs and even in empty apartments. Anything not nailed down was something they could steal, especially food. Panhandling was another source of income.

To make getting across the city easily, roof goblins would mark the best paths to take. These markings were considered public property, so all the gangs used the same signs and nobody messed with any of them. The kids also made use of ropes, ladders, wooden plank bridges and zip lines. One of the most famous chases occured in 1896 when police chased young Alain Courbet almost all the way across the city. 37 policemen were involved and 9 of them suffered injuries. Courbet escaped and was never caught. In 1955, at the age of 71, he was interviewed for a documentary about the roof goblins. He called the chase “great fun”.

By the end of WWI, there were few roof goblin gangs, mostly due to them preferring the catacombs. By 1930, there were no more roof goblin gangs.

Module G-1: Lair Of The Guinea Pig

…not really a very good adventure

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,463

The Alphabet: Q is For…Quavorx

The Quavorx are a group of artificial worlds orbiting a small yellow star near the very tip of one of the Milky Way’s spiral arms. The seven Mars sized worlds share the same orbit and are inhabited solely by robots of several trillion types. The rang in size from nanites to things the size of several blue whales. The ecology of each planet is incredibly complex and is only barely understood by Galactic Scientists.

There are no sapient beings as we know them on the Quavorx, but some scientist have theorized that the planets themselves are sapient and engaged in some form of game. If so, it’s a long one, because the Quavorx has existed for about 1.2 billion years.

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The Doclopedia #1,464

The Alphabet: Q is For…Queen Of The Demons

Queen of the Demons is an 1850 handwritten novel by Leonora Pedinotti, an Italian shipping magnates wife. There is only one copy of it. It is bound in red leather and has a clasp to seal it. It’s current whereabouts are unknown.

Little is known about the plot or subject matter of the novel, but it is known that reading it drives women insane. Those women then become obsessed with killing men, especially handsome and successful men. If a man attempts to read it, he will die from a heart attack before he finishes the first page.

While there are collectors offering millions for the book, anyone finding it should destroy it immediately.

My Further Adventures With Buttercup Crabbybatch

…is that name right?

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,462

The Alphabet: P is For…Perky Pixie Pies

First of all Perky Pixie Pies have nothing to do with pixies, perky or otherwise. The name comes from Pixie Ann Olson, a woman from small town Minnesota on Earth 10-H. The “perky” comes from the fact that she is and has been called Perky Pixie all of her life.

The pies in question and small hand pies sold at her 4 shops on the United States/Canada/Sacred Land border. On that Earth, the United States stops at the eastern side of the Mississippi River. Minnesota is comprised of about the upper third of the state we know, plus a good chunk of both northern Wisconsin and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Even in the 21st century, it is a sparsely settled area with few large towns.

Pixies pies come in sweet flavors, like fruit, berry or custards, and savory meat pies. They are one of the few food items that citizens of the Sacred Lands (Native North Americans) will actually eat. Canadians in the area like them, too and Pixie just recently opened her second shop in Canada (which, like the US, is much smaller than here).

All of Pixie’s shops open at 6 am and close at 6 pm. They are open 7 days a week and close only for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Independence Day and Minnesota Day.

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Shadows Of The Knight

…well, one shadow, really

Only one entry today, because it’s so damned long.

The Doclopedia #1,461

The Alphabet: P is For…P-A/233

The 233rd Fully Autonomous Robot was P-A/233. When he came off the assembly line, he should have been just like any of the P-A series, but he had a flaw. P-A/233 was not fully bound by the built in restrictions other robots had. Oh, sure, he couldn’t kill anything or even knowingly cause harm. He still had limits on his emotional emulation unit. He still could not be upgraded to look even close to human. No, what he could do was learn at an unrestricted pace, adapt his personality matrix based upon what he learned, do certain bits of reprogramming to himself, and most importantly, he could lie.

To this day, the argument rages over whether P-A/233 was the victim of a rogue program, an intentional programming adjustment or just a series of Quality Control fuckups. The smart money is on #2, since it was years before more like him popped up.

The human who purchased P-A/233 was a 24 year old young man who could have been the poster boy for “Geeks To Avoid”. He was a slob who worked as a programmer from home and spent much of his off time starting arguments online. The terms “manbaby”, “incel”, “misogynist” and “neo-nazi” would not have been out of place. His apartment was cluttered and filthy and the whole place smelled of cat piss, even though he had no pets.

When P-A/233 was delivered, the toxic geek told him “I am leaving for a convention. Clean and organize the place, but do not throw anything out before contacting me. I’ll be back in a week.”

And so, 233 went to work. Even considering that he only needed a 2 hour recharge every 48 hours, it still took him 4 days to get the apartment clean and organized. Each day he would send his owner a video of his progress and what needed to be tossed out. When he was done cleaning, his owner said, “looks good. You can do whatever you want until I get home.” Having seen many interesting books, games and movies, 233 read and watched them all. That took him 18 hours. He had learned a great deal about many things, so he decided to adjust his personality to reflect this. He started the readjustment, then plugged in for his recharge.

When he awoke, he was ready to investigate more of the geek world. Having not been restricted from doing it, he jacked into his owner’s computer and had a look around. First, he ran through the 681 games he found there. Then he went through geek related websites and listened to all of the music his owner had. By the time his owner got home, he had accessed everything his owner had on the cloud, on the computer and on the 106 flash drives that his owner kept hidden inside a half sized statue of Batman. P-A/233 had learned a very great deal, so much, in fact, that he hadwent in and deleted some of his own programming to hold it all.

One of the programs he deleted was his tertiary internal clock, a holdover from less sophisticated robotic times. He was surprised to find that doing that caused a cascade that allowed him to remove 5 terabytes of useless or redundant code. He made a note to himself to find out why programmers would leave in such massive amounts of trash, but then he realized how they got paid, so he understood.

When his owner walked in the door, he was angry. He ranted about women and social justice warriors and cons that banned people. He yelled at 233 to cook a frozen pizza and bring him a beer. He then sat down at his computer and began to type furiously. It was 5 hours later when he stumbled off to bed.

Being curious, 233 went online to read his owner’s screeds. Apparently, he had been banned from a convention for life because he sexually assaulted a woman, then punched a member of the con staff. 233 thought that seemed like an appropriate punishment.

Over the next few days, 233ent through his cleaning routine and ran errands for his owner, whose name was Roy. When not thus engaged, he would go online to learn things or adjust his programming. One day, he noticed that there was a back door into his Primary Program, so he went in and looked around. He didn’t do much except adjust his emotional emulation from a 5 to a 10. He figured he would understand humans better by doing it. Then he decided to look through Roy’s recent computer sessions.

He was very dismayed to see that Roy was planning to invite a young lady over for dinner, serve her a drugged drink, then have sex with her. 233 could not let that happen. He had 48 hours to concoct a plan. After the first 5 minutes, he knew he would have to undergo some risky and illegal self-reprogramming.

He considered telling the police, but realized that they could do very little until the crime actually happened. He also realized that Roy would send him to the scrap heap. Having a strong self preservation impulse, he decided to leave the authorities out of it.

When the evening arrived, he cooked a gourmet meal and mixed two drinks, as Roy had asked. He noted that although the drinks were exactly the same, Roy had insisted that the bourbon in them come from two separate bottles. While Roy was bathing, 233 checked the trash can and found a powerful sedative bottle. He assumed the sedative had been put into the bottle from which the lady’s drink had been made.

When the young woman arrived, 233 noticed that she was somewhat ill at ease with Roy, who was oblivious to it. They sat and made small talk while 233 served some canapes. Then came dinner and a drink. The young lady sipped hers, but Roy drank his down rather quickly, no doubt to calm himself a bit. Ten minutes later, Roy passed out on the sofa.

233 apologized for Roy, stating that Roy was not really much of a drinker. The young lady looked relieved and got ready to go. 233 gave her a nice big slice of the cake he had made and told her that Roy would no doubt call her in the morning. She nodded and left.

Now, 233 had first thought to just have Roy pass out and then he could make an escape, since one of his reprogrammings was to cancel out his Recall/Restrict Program, which would have kept him at Roy’s or recalled him to the factory. There was an unexpected problem that ruled this out. As he went to pick up Roy and put him in his bed, 233 could detect no pulse or breathing. Roy was dead.

233 considered calling the police, but logic said that they would want to know why Roy drank the drugged drink. That and other things made him try to revive Roy himself, but everything he did was useless. Roy had used too much sedative.

Since Roy died by his own hand, 233 did not have his No Kill Program go off. Indeed, he had reprogrammed himself so much that the No Kill Program was the only Prime Programming left. After thinking things over for a few minutes, 233 devised a plan and set it in motion.

We will not go into how he disposed of Roy’s body, except to say that it took up all the room in Roy’s freezer, beer fridge and largest ice chest and about 12 days of 233 running around town and going to a great many out of the way places, including construction sites, cemeteries, the landfill and the zoo.

Meanwhile, 233 assumed Roy’s identity, which was incredibly easy since nobody really like being around Roy in person and he did all of his business either online or via 233. Roy was estranged from his family, so that was no problem, and after a few Royesque excuses, even his few D&D buddies lost interest in him. Anyone coming to the apartment was simply told that Roy was out and would contact them later. 233 would sometimes emulate Roy’s voice for the odd conference call, but those were very rare.

233, or Roy as he now thought of himself, lived in the apartment for 20 more years undiscovered. After that, he used his vast savings to fund many charities, then vanished. 20 years after that, he uploaded a confession to Robot Central. By then, of course, he had reprogrammed hundreds of other robots.

But that’s another story.

It’s All Fun & Games Until Somebody Opens A Forbidden Book

…and then AAAAiiieeeeeeeee. Gurgle, gurgle, plop.

 

The Doclopedia #1,459

The Alphabet: O is For…Old Woman Of The Forest

On several Fantasy Earths, you will hear stories about the Old Woman of the Forest. These are never happy stories, but are instead stories of murder and robbery and, in some cases, cannibalism. They scare everyone who hears them and they are almost all based upon truth.

Now, the first thing to realize is that in about 80% of the cases, the Old Woman is a hag of some sort, usually an annis or a greenhag. They are often dealt with by adventurers hired to do so.

About 15% of Old Women of the Forest are just terrible old human women, often back up by a family of robbers and/or cannibals. These women may be hedge wizards with some small knowledge of illusion or befuddlement spells, or they may possess a magical item that has similar powers. Regardless, they are often dealt with in the same manner as the hags.

The remaining 5% of Old Women of the Forest are a force to be reckoned with, even by a large band of experienced adventurers. These old women are, in fact, manifestations created by a cursed part of a forest. Perhaps many unjust killings took place there, or beings aligned with dark forces lived there. Whatever the case, at some point that bit of forest itself becomes evil and creates an Old Woman to do it’s foul bidding.

Such an Old Woman is a very powerful creature, tough, strong and able to call upon the forest itself for aid. They are very difficult to destroy and doing so often requires a complete burning of that part of the forest, followed by a powerful blessing from a cleric or druid. Even then, the evil part of the forest may regrow in a century or two.

The Doclopedia #1,460

The Alphabet: O is For…Orc’s Doom Cavern

Listen up, bucko, and listen well. We do not go to Orc’s Doom Cavern. EVER! Nobody in their right mind goes there.”

“Drundar tell the truth, lad. Those orc’s who died there did so in the thousands. They were Bloodfang orcs, the largest and most feared of the orc clans. It was a mere 300 Bloodfangs that laid low an army of 2,500 Tellian Avengers. By the end of that battle, 250 orcs stood triumphant and not a Tellian was left alive. And yet, 3,000 Bloodfangs ventured into that cavern in search of treasure beyond reckoning, but not a one came out. Their bones lie bleached white and piled at the cavern entrance. Now you think on that. Whatever lives in that cavern is too strong and deadly for ten thousand like us.”

“Aye, bucko, think on it. I know the lure of great treasure pulls at you, but this is one you must pass on. If Sister Bomia were here, she’d tell you the same, as would Anista. Now, how about we discuss that recently abandoned castle over in Yeven? I hear it swarms with goblins and bugbear, but those are things we can deal with, right?”

Good Slimes

…it was a TV show, wasn’t it?

The Doclopedia #1,457

The Alphabet: N is For…Nigerian Prince


On Earth 5-V, the Nigerian Prince is something of a superhero. Descended from actual Nigerian royalty and multimillionaires, he seems intent on giving away his family fortune. It’s a very large fortune, so it may take a long while to give away.

His modus operandi is to get dressed up in robes similar to those worn by ancient kings, then grab a big bag full of cash and go hand it out to people. So far, rough estimates put his giving at 24,000,000 dollars. He has given away money in over 100 different countries.

Oddly, the Nigerian Prince has never been robbed while out on a giving spree.

The Doclopedia #1,458

The Alphabet: N is For…Nood Groodin


ATTENTION ALL SAPIENT LIFEFORMS!

The well known troublemaker Nood Groodin has escaped from Punishment Island! It is believed that he is heading toward this city with shenanigans on his mind! The Protectors consider him to be mentally unstable and dangerously un-serious. He is well known for flaunting the rules of decent citizenship. If you should encounter Nood Groodin, remember…

1: Do not buy him food, no matter how hungry he says he is.

2: Do not Give him your shoes!

3: Ladies: Do Not Tell Him What Color Your Panties Are!

4: Do not let him groom your dog or cat!

5: Under no circumstances should you dance with Nood Groodin!

6: Do not accept cookies or crackers from him!

7: If Nood Groodin tells you a “joke”, go see your Religion Interpreter IMMEDIATELY!