Angrily Slamming The Door On 2019

…fuck 2019
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The Doclopedia #1,750
The Colors: Silver

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The Silver Warrior is a strange fellow indeed. Nobody has ever seen him without his helmet on, so there is no actual proof that he is human. Or male. Or even alive. For all anybody knows he could be a golem gifted with limited speech.

What is known is that he/she/it shows up in times of trouble and fights on the side of good. A deadly opponent in battle, the Silver Warrior asks no quarter, nor give it. Entire armies have given up and run off when they see that silver armor.

After a battle, the Silver Warrior climbs upon his horse and rides away at great speed. Nobody knows where he comes from or where he goes.

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The Doclopedia #1,751
The Colors: Sky Blue

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On August 15, 2004, at 12:07 pm, ten sky blue budgerigar parakeets flew into a well known restaurant in New York City and raised holy hell with the diners and staff. They grabbed food, dive bombed people, pooped everywhere, and laughed & cursed the whole time. Just before the police and animal control arrived, they flew out a broken window and were gone.

Since that day, the Ten Blue Budgies, have caused trouble all over North America, the U.K., Ireland and Europe. They have caused tens of millions of dollars of damage, disrupted commerce & communication, assaulted hundreds of people, and crapped all over valuable property. There is a 5,00,000 dollar reward outstanding for their capture.

Not In This Issue: Periwinkles, Periscopes Or Peridots

…or anybody named Perri
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The Doclopedia #1,748
The Colors: Magenta

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The lovely three petaled, lace edged magenta flowers of the Arbonga Vine are beautiful to look at and smell wonderful.

They are also the last thing you’ll probably see before the lightning fast vine wraps around you and begins exuding powerful digestive enzymes. Your skin, muscles and internal organs will all be liquified and sucked up by the plant. Even your largest bones will be gone inside of a fortnight. Anything the plant cannot digest will be pulled into a pile of old leaves and compost, so as to hide it from it’s next meal.
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The Doclopedia #1,749
The Colors: Black

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For adventurers on Earth 903-D, the most valuable treasure not yet found is the Black Book of Wevendar. Written 2,000 years ago, the book is worth not a kingdom, but an empire. People would give up anything and everything to get it. Huge wars would be fought for it.

Why? Because it gives the reader the power to change the world and gain immortality. It’s essentially a way to become a God. In fact, the Black Book was written and used to bring about the end of the War of Gods & Men, 2,000 years ago. After that, the holy person who had used it caused it to be banished to “the loneliest place in the world”. All this time later, nobody has found it yet.

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Otyugh In The Bathtub

…there was no place else to put him
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The Doclopedia #1,746
The Colors: Dark Green

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Dark Green is the primary color of a Jungle Dragon. Built along the same lines as classic Chinese dragons (long snakelike body, small legs, no wings), these tropical dragons can grow to 90 feet long.

Of only average intelligence, the Jungle Dragon is still cunning and a superb hunter, They can move through even the thickest forest at speeds up to 30 miles an hour. Their primary food sources are deer, monkeys, wild hogs and explorers.

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The Doclopedia #1,747
The Colors: Tan

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On Earth 1-V, in the United States, if you see a woman wearing a tan suit, she is most likely a Morality Cop. Appointed by the First American Church, these women have the legal right to enter public places and private homes to check on morality violations.

Anyone found in violation can be arrested, issued a ticket or just let off with a warning. There are many laws that might be broken. Oddly, to us on Earth 1-A, almost none of them have to do with sex or sexuality. Most have to do with what we would call “not being an asshole”.

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Lucy Gets A Hamburger!

…because it’s her birthday!

 

The Doclopedia #549

The Colors: Brown

On June 3^rd, 2002, all of the totally brown cows in the world went on a killing rampage against humans and other cattle. They seem to have developed vastly increased intelligence, telepathic powers that allowed them to stun large numbers of their prey at once, extraordinary toughness and the ability to speak. The latter ability was mostly limited to their saying “How now, motherfuckers!”

Eventually, they were defeated, but at a terrible cost to humankind, who had to use chemical weapons that killed hundreds of millions of people. Afterwards, by international law, cattle could only be bread in black, white or red coat colors. Even so, most people are either terribly afraid of cattle or very respectful of them.

Nobody eats beef any more.

The Doclopedia #550

The Colors: White

White Blobs are one of the very few blobs, oozes, slimes or jellies that are not dangerous to other living creatures, metals or magic. White Blobs live in temperate climates, mostly in forests or lightly wooded areas. The are exclusively consumers of dead plant matter, including leaves, grasses, dead flowers and small branches or vines. They excrete a top quality compost and are in big demand by gardeners and orchardists.

White Blobs seem to have some intelligence, with the Wizard Skliv Sklivornik saying that he would rate them “at the level of a somewhat dim dog”. As with all of the formless lifeforms, they reproduce fission, splitting into two complete creatures about 3 or 4 times a year.

White Blobs are a nutritious, if somewhat disgusting, food source and many creatures prey on them.

The Astounding Adventures Of Doctor Tempest In The Land Of The Mammoths

… from the February, 1888 issue

The Doclopedia #547

The Colors: Grey

The Grey Army of Baron Drogarsky made it’s first move for domination of Europe in the spring of 1892, using armored troops riding on the massive Steam Powered Walkers and the giant Trackless Locomotives. The latter were particularly horrifying, since they both looked and moved like enormous snakes, crushing everything in their paths and spewing gunfire and flames. Later came the Grey Dragon Airships that bombed major cities into ruins.

Unfortunately for Drogarsky his ranks had been infiltrated by spies from Great Britain, the United States and Germany, who caused much trouble from within. He also did not count on the French developing the Sonic Stunner, which they mounted beneath several of their own airships. By the winter of 1892, the Grey Army was in ruins.

Unfortunately, Drogarsky escaped and his whereabouts are unknown at this time. 

The Doclopedia #548

The Colors: Pink

The Pink Banana was one of the most famous places for music in all of San Francisco. It had been Mulroney’s Bar from 1908 until 1964, when it closed down after a fire. In 1966, it was bought by brothers Allen and Caleb Paltz, who expanded it and began booking local music acts. By the First Summer of Love in 1967, it was attracting national and international musicians. All of the greats played there early in their careers. Many, such as Jefferson Railroad, Quicksilver Grape, The Mamapapas and the Janis Hannibal were signed to recording contracts after appearing at the Pink Banana. It and several businesses near it became a big center for hippie culture.

After the Fifth Summer of Love, in 1971, the hippie scene faded away, but the Pink Banana kept going strong for another ten years. Sadly, it was destroyed in the Great Earthquake of 1981 and was not rebuilt. Instead, a park centered on a huge steel pink banana surrounded by a wall commemorating all of the musicians who played there was built on it’s place. Every year, a week of outdoor live concerts is held there.

The Funky Chickens Go To Hollywood

…where the refused roles in “Battleship”

 

The Doclopedia #545

The Colors: Purple

The Purple Woman is one of the most intriguing things in all of paranormal research. The way she can fade into and out of view suggests that she might be a ghost, but her very definitely human physiology suggests that she might be some form of mutant human. Of course, the UFOlogists are convinced she is an alien or, perhaps, some secret project using captured alien technology.

Regardless of what she is, this nude, 6 foot tall female appears 3-5 times a year in various locations around the world, usually in areas of low population density. She can appear during the day or night and she never speaks. She has aided people in trouble and chased people away from certain areas, but most often she just wanders around. All attempts to communicate, capture or even touch her have failed so far.

The Doclopedia #546

The Colors: Orange

“I’ll tell ya what I know of the Orange Dragon, lads, and I hope it helps you when ya go huntin’ it. First off, it’s big, but nowhere near as big as one of yer Red or Black Dragons. I’d reckon it measures 60-70 feet long. It’s not a flyer, but it can run faster than the best horse and turn on a dime. And leap? Hellfire can it leap! 100 feet easy! So as you can imagine, it ain’t just gonna stand there and fight you.

 Now, yer Orange Dragon doesn’t breath fire or spit acid, but it can breath out a cold fog that’ll chill ya to the bone in under a minute, so beware of that. Of course, if it bites ya…even a little nip…you’ll be in agony for hours, if it doesn’t just kill ya.

Best way to fight it? Arrows and magic, sure enough, but ya need some sword swingin’ up close fighters to keep it distracted at first. Have yer archers aim for the hindquarters and front shoulders, so as to stop that leapin’ and slow it down. Mages ought to hit it with confusion spells and maybe a few lightning bolts.

Well, fellers, I hope that helps ye. Good luck and if ya don’t die, come ’round and tell me how things went.”

Never Hand A Monkey To A Drunk

…it’ll piss the monkey off

Woohoo! New Doclopedia theme!

The Doclopedia #542

 The Colors: Red

 Red is the fur color of the male Zertbeast, the apex predator of the great plains on the northern landmass of the planet Torsek 3. These big males weigh about 2,000 pounds and can be up to 15 feet long, including the 4 foot long tail. Their fangs, which are serrated, measure 6 inches long. Their claws are 3 inches long and razor sharp. A large male Zertbeast can hit 40 miles an hour on level ground and maintain that speed for half an hour. Their primary prey is the Golden Antelope, but they also feed regularly on Grey Leapers, Fatrats and young Gargantosaurs.

The Doclopedia #543

The Colors: Blue

 Blue was the primary costume color of the Blue Moose, the much loved Canadian superhero of the 1950’s and 60’s. He was nearly 7 feet tall, superbly muscled and extremely tough. His mutant ability to fly and sprout large electrified antlers made him the scourge of the criminal underworld. He was the subject of comic books, movies and a long running animated television show.

Around 1969, the Blue Moose seemed to be losing his powers. He was still a very imposing individual, but he used his flight and antlers much less. By 1973, he admitted to the world that he had lost those powers. However, by then, a new crop of superheroes was coming up and the Blue Moose helped them in any way he could, mostly by giving them the benefit of his years of experience.

In 1992, the Blue Moose announced his retirement and left the public eye. Nobody knows where he went or who he really was.

The Doclopedia #544

The Colors: Yellow

When the Deathclouds covered the world in 1830, they were bright yellow in color and nearly 100% toxic to anyone who had passed through puberty. Victims would breath in the toxin, then pretty much liquefy from the inside out. Only a very small percentage of adults survived, and they had shortened lifespans due to a variety of problems.

Fortunately, enough adults lived on to teach many of the surviving children how to live in this new world. Even so, in many places, they did not have adults and reverted to savagery. That is why now, in 1890, there are walled city states of the Educated surrounded by large Tribelands with whom they trade and have uneasy peace agreements.