It’s Been 11 Years Since I Ate Coconut Snot

…for an explanation of that, see the May 8, 2004 post in the archives

The Doclopedia #1,207

Strange Pet Ailments: Canine/Feline Anal Combustion

As all pet owners know, the flatulence produced by our animal friends can be overpowering. Well, if your dog or cat comes down with Anal Combustion, it can be downright dangerous.

The origins of AC have been traced to a canned dog & cat food from China that used a flavor additive contaminated with several strange bacteria. The resulting bacterial infections caused hundreds of dogs & cats in North America and other countries to have farts that burst into flame on contact with the air. Many fires were started in homes and a wildfire in Idaho was directly linked to an Australian Cattle Dog “ripping off a doozy” that ignited drought dried brush.

The pet foods were quickly banned and recalled, but by then, the bacteria were loose in the environment. Fortunately, it only seems to affect domesticated dogs & cats and is easily treatable with a series of antibacterial enemas. If your dog or cat should suddenly start “letting flamers”, get them to a vet ASAP.

It should be noted that the company in China changed their name, re-labeled the dog food as “American Style Beef Stew” and the cat food as “Finest Fish Pate” and sold out the several tons it had on hand to Chinese consumers. Sadly, the effect of direct ingestion on humans was much the same as on dogs & cats. The Chinese media has cracked down on reporting of all the factory and residential fires, but NASA has posted pictures of many of these fires online.

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The Highly Comedic, But Also Dramatic, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Seven Happy Hamsters

…co-starring her 2nd best friend, Annie Axlegrease

The Doclopedia #17

Pulp Era Dogs & Cats: El Tigre

In the Mexican city of Durango, feline organized crime is rampant. Controlled by the mysterious Senior Jaguar, these bad cats are into everything from extortion to loansharking to murder for hire. The police are either on the payroll or too afraid to do anything. Even the once powerful Canine Mafia has been run out of town. Things look very bad for the honest kitties of Durango.

But recently, a champion for good has shown up. From out of nowhere, a fearless masked luchador known as El Tigre has taken up the fight against the criminal scum!

His true identity is known only to him, but everyone in Durango knows his orange & black striped mask and uniform. El Tigre is a large cat, easily 30 pounds and very well muscled. His voice is deep, but kind when talking to people of good will and children. When speaking to criminals, he growls a lot, which scares them.

El Tigre mostly uses his great strength and fighting skills to vanquish evil doers, but has been known to use various gadgets, too. The most commonly used ones include a sleeping gas gun and smoke bombs. To get from place to place quickly, he drives a sporty little car that is armor plated and has twin machine guns.

This champion of good has been so successful in his quest that Senior Jaguar has taken to using mad scientists and supernatural creatures to try and stop him. But despite having everything from a werecoatimundi to Aztec cat mummies to a robot parrot thrown at him, El Tigre has emerged triumphant!

On a few occasions, El Tigre has teamed up with the famous canine luchador, Diablo Chihuahua. When this happens, it has been known to make some mobsters quit on the spot and get honest jobs.

Dreams Of Racing To GenCon

…cross country, full speed ahead

Yeah, I had a dream that Spike Y Jones and I were one of several teams involved in a cross country race from San Francisco to GenCon Indy. I don’t know who won, but just before I woke up Spike and I were 2 hours ahead and just leaving St. Louis.

I’m gonna post today’s character, then go tend to gardening chores before joining My Sweet Little Spinning Dolphin Of Love on a quest to buy stuff for the Hawaii trip.

 

About this character: Ya know that cranky old neighbor man who always yells at kids who walk past his house? Well, here is Oak Hill’s version of him.

The Doclopedia #32:  Grug the Goblin

STR: 7
CON: 8
DEX: 7
INT: 10
WIS: 12
CHA: 6

Grug, or “Ol’ Man Grug” as the neighborhood kids like to call him, lives in a modest little house on 120 Ochre Jelly Street. He lives with his wife, Mokli (a very pleasant goblin lady, by all accounts) and their pet blink dog, Blinky.

Grug spends most of his time tending his garden, mowing his lawn and yelling at any neighbor kids who get withing 20 feet of his property. Sometimes you can find him in the back yard fixing things or picking zapples from his zapple tree, but mostly, he’s out front on Kid Lookout.

In his spare time (which is generally after dark when the kids are in their homes) Grug enjoys playing checkers, drinking hard zapple cider, talking about “the good old days” and generally being a cantankerous old fart.

The House Of Whacks

…the most popular BDSM playhouse in the city

I like that one. It cracked me up.

 

About this character: Sometimes, a gal just needs to show the guys she can be rough and tough. Sometimes, she needs to act girly. Today’s character does both.

The Doclopedia #31:  Bronwyn the Yeti

STR: 18
CON: 18
DEX: 12
INT: 12
WIS: 10
CHA: 8

Bronwyn, or Bronny as her friends like to call her, is Oak Hill’s blacksmith. Given her height of 8’3″ and her enormous strength, blacksmithing is a pretty easy job for her. She also uses her metalworking skills to create lovely wrought Iron artwork. Her work is in high demand.

Actually, her artwork isn’t all that is in high demand. Bronny herself has several suitors, including Ed the Ogre, Dr. Azkorak the Centaur and Lucius the Brownie (gotta give Lucius an A for effort). So far, when asked about who she fancies most, Bronny just giggles and blushes.

In her spare time, Bronny enjoys hiking, dancing and sewing.