It’s Been 11 Years Since I Ate Coconut Snot

…for an explanation of that, see the May 8, 2004 post in the archives

The Doclopedia #1,207

Strange Pet Ailments: Canine/Feline Anal Combustion

As all pet owners know, the flatulence produced by our animal friends can be overpowering. Well, if your dog or cat comes down with Anal Combustion, it can be downright dangerous.

The origins of AC have been traced to a canned dog & cat food from China that used a flavor additive contaminated with several strange bacteria. The resulting bacterial infections caused hundreds of dogs & cats in North America and other countries to have farts that burst into flame on contact with the air. Many fires were started in homes and a wildfire in Idaho was directly linked to an Australian Cattle Dog “ripping off a doozy” that ignited drought dried brush.

The pet foods were quickly banned and recalled, but by then, the bacteria were loose in the environment. Fortunately, it only seems to affect domesticated dogs & cats and is easily treatable with a series of antibacterial enemas. If your dog or cat should suddenly start “letting flamers”, get them to a vet ASAP.

It should be noted that the company in China changed their name, re-labeled the dog food as “American Style Beef Stew” and the cat food as “Finest Fish Pate” and sold out the several tons it had on hand to Chinese consumers. Sadly, the effect of direct ingestion on humans was much the same as on dogs & cats. The Chinese media has cracked down on reporting of all the factory and residential fires, but NASA has posted pictures of many of these fires online.

The Rare & Beautiful Pole Dancing Lemurs Of Potawango Island

…the male lemurs love to watch them

The Doclopedia #53

Things That Blow Up Real Good: Ruduborian Heat Bombs

 

The first thing that the Sol Alliance team found out when they met the Ruduborians was that the centauroid amphibian race did not think like humans or most other races when it came to science and the laws of physics. In fact, just listening to them explain why you could, in fact, build a bicycle that could go faster than the speed of light, drove 4 Nobel prize nominated physicists insane on the spot.

The second thing the S.A. team learned was that the Ruduborians used their skewed view of the universe to actually build things that should not be possible. Case in point, Ruduborian Heat Bombs.

Using nothing but a small cylinder filled with sand, a few circuits that gave engineers nosebleeds and headaches to look at, the local equivalent of a pint of horse piss, a glass and copper shell and a clockwork timer, the Ruduborians build bombs that produce very intense heat, but no light, no concussion, no flame, no by products (even on the subatomic level)…nothing but 1,100 degrees of heat over a 100 foot radius.

Apparently, the Ruduborians used these bombs to defeat a chickenlike race that shares their planet and is now confined to a few small islands. When asked how the bombs (which are about the size of a 50 gallon trash can) could possibly work, they eagerly explained.

Three more of the team went insane hearing the explanation. Five hours later, the S.A. Team left the planet, which is now under a Class 9 quarantine.

Verna Milligan And Her All Waitress Orchestra

…those gals can swing it

Holy shit! Apparently, in my miserabley sick & drug affected state, I never actually posted Tuesday’s 365 post! Well, here it is along with the late Wednesdat post.

The Doclopedia #35

Power Suits: The Super Suit

The Super Suit looks just like a very high end men’s or women’s business suit, depending upon the sex of the person it appears in front of. It also includes all underwear, stockings or socks, belts, ties, shoes and a hat. It not only fits perfectly, it stays pressed and clean no matter what. It also makes the wearer look good, but different from their normal face and build.

The suit makes the wearer invulnerable, super strong, super agile and gives them a danger sense. It also heightens their senses by about an order of magnitude. On the rare occasions when the wearer gets trapped in a way they cannot escape from, the suit will teleport them several miles away to safety.

The suit appears before a different person every 3 year, then stays with them for a year. After a year, it disappears (though never during a time that would endanger the wearer.

Nobody knows where the Super Suit came from or how it operates.

365 People, Places & Things #36

This week, we get off to a late start because I am sick. Our first steampunk grrl is all about science in the name of justice.

Steampunk Grrlz: Kirstin Danger, Scientific Detective

Born in Sweden but raised in the United States from age 4, Kirstin Danger comes by her love of science naturally. Both side of her family have prominent scientists going back 5 generations. Her mother is a well known chemist and her father is an engineering teacher at MIT. Kirstin herself holds degrees in both medicine and chemistry, but is also well versed in botany, physics, geology and a host of other subjects.

In her early days at university, Kirstin was unsure of where she was going with her life. Many business concerns and universities had already offered her positions, but she wanted something more. It wasn’t until her third year that she figured out what that something was.

It was in the spring of 1900 that, through a series of events too complex to go into here, she began investigating a series of burglaries on and around campus. Kirstin took to this puzzle solving and in short order ran into Mr. Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street, who had been hired by the university to get to the bottom of the matter. She was a big fan of Holmes and he found her to be “one of the 4 most amazing women I have ever met”. They decided to pool their resources and soon solved the crime, which involved several alumni of the university and a certain rogue scientist by the name of Professor Overton. Kirstin and Holmes remained friends until Holmes apparent death in 1932.

Using her share of the reward money, plus the money made from “certain rather trivial patents”, Kirstin founded the Worldwide Scientific Detection Company. She now has labs in 16 countries, most of them equipped with Model 3 Lovelace/Tesla Computing Engines, as well as a full range of the latest scientific devices.

Kirstin Danger is 6’1” tall, slender, blond haired and blue eyed. She is pretty, but not beautiful. She has an X shaped scar on her left forearm and a small acid burn on her neck. Besides being a genius scientists, she is also a good boxer, a very good shot with a pistol and a pretty fair pilot. She often dresses in a very casual style, usually topped off with a lab coat.

Her personality is a good mix of obsessed scientist, seeker of justice and wry observer of human nature. She is married to Charlie Danger, himself a noted detective. They have two children, Jack and Jim.

The Highly Comedic, But Also Dramatic, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Seven Happy Hamsters

…co-starring her 2nd best friend, Annie Axlegrease

The Doclopedia #17

Pulp Era Dogs & Cats: El Tigre

In the Mexican city of Durango, feline organized crime is rampant. Controlled by the mysterious Senior Jaguar, these bad cats are into everything from extortion to loansharking to murder for hire. The police are either on the payroll or too afraid to do anything. Even the once powerful Canine Mafia has been run out of town. Things look very bad for the honest kitties of Durango.

But recently, a champion for good has shown up. From out of nowhere, a fearless masked luchador known as El Tigre has taken up the fight against the criminal scum!

His true identity is known only to him, but everyone in Durango knows his orange & black striped mask and uniform. El Tigre is a large cat, easily 30 pounds and very well muscled. His voice is deep, but kind when talking to people of good will and children. When speaking to criminals, he growls a lot, which scares them.

El Tigre mostly uses his great strength and fighting skills to vanquish evil doers, but has been known to use various gadgets, too. The most commonly used ones include a sleeping gas gun and smoke bombs. To get from place to place quickly, he drives a sporty little car that is armor plated and has twin machine guns.

This champion of good has been so successful in his quest that Senior Jaguar has taken to using mad scientists and supernatural creatures to try and stop him. But despite having everything from a werecoatimundi to Aztec cat mummies to a robot parrot thrown at him, El Tigre has emerged triumphant!

On a few occasions, El Tigre has teamed up with the famous canine luchador, Diablo Chihuahua. When this happens, it has been known to make some mobsters quit on the spot and get honest jobs.

Dreams Of Racing To GenCon

…cross country, full speed ahead

Yeah, I had a dream that Spike Y Jones and I were one of several teams involved in a cross country race from San Francisco to GenCon Indy. I don’t know who won, but just before I woke up Spike and I were 2 hours ahead and just leaving St. Louis.

I’m gonna post today’s character, then go tend to gardening chores before joining My Sweet Little Spinning Dolphin Of Love on a quest to buy stuff for the Hawaii trip.

 

About this character: Ya know that cranky old neighbor man who always yells at kids who walk past his house? Well, here is Oak Hill’s version of him.

The Doclopedia #32:  Grug the Goblin

STR: 7
CON: 8
DEX: 7
INT: 10
WIS: 12
CHA: 6

Grug, or “Ol’ Man Grug” as the neighborhood kids like to call him, lives in a modest little house on 120 Ochre Jelly Street. He lives with his wife, Mokli (a very pleasant goblin lady, by all accounts) and their pet blink dog, Blinky.

Grug spends most of his time tending his garden, mowing his lawn and yelling at any neighbor kids who get withing 20 feet of his property. Sometimes you can find him in the back yard fixing things or picking zapples from his zapple tree, but mostly, he’s out front on Kid Lookout.

In his spare time (which is generally after dark when the kids are in their homes) Grug enjoys playing checkers, drinking hard zapple cider, talking about “the good old days” and generally being a cantankerous old fart.

The House Of Whacks

…the most popular BDSM playhouse in the city

I like that one. It cracked me up.

 

About this character: Sometimes, a gal just needs to show the guys she can be rough and tough. Sometimes, she needs to act girly. Today’s character does both.

The Doclopedia #31:  Bronwyn the Yeti

STR: 18
CON: 18
DEX: 12
INT: 12
WIS: 10
CHA: 8

Bronwyn, or Bronny as her friends like to call her, is Oak Hill’s blacksmith. Given her height of 8’3″ and her enormous strength, blacksmithing is a pretty easy job for her. She also uses her metalworking skills to create lovely wrought Iron artwork. Her work is in high demand.

Actually, her artwork isn’t all that is in high demand. Bronny herself has several suitors, including Ed the Ogre, Dr. Azkorak the Centaur and Lucius the Brownie (gotta give Lucius an A for effort). So far, when asked about who she fancies most, Bronny just giggles and blushes.

In her spare time, Bronny enjoys hiking, dancing and sewing.