How To Not Be Eaten By Sharks


The Doclopedia #1,607

The Numbers: 311

Was the number of miles a time traveler had to cover in order to get his time conveyance back when it was stolen by Mongols in 1354. To do this, he walked, rode stolen horses and even flew a crude hang glider 36 miles. He dodged military columns, bandits and wild animals. By the time he got to his time machine, he was tired, dirty and hungry.

He was also pissed off, which is part of why the Mongol Empire does not rule part of the planet.


The Doclopedia #1,608

The Numbers: 5

Five is how many dinosaurs are still living in the DinoPark nature preserve. They are a small family group of triceratops, 1 adult male, 2 adult females and 2 immature females. The male is old, but may have a few breeding seasons left in him. Regardless, it is almost certain that there will be no living dinosaurs left in 25 years.

After the disaster that was DinoPark’s opening day, most of the dinosaurs, including all of the carnosaurs, were destroyed. Only 18 plant eaters were left alive and most of those died over the next 15 years. The triceratops have hung on for 10 years past that.

Ugly Mice

…with bad attitudes

The Doclopedia #1,602

The Numbers: 5,000,000

$5,000,000.00 is the reward offered by multimillionaire cryptid hunter Jeff Sork for information leading to the live capture of the cryptid known as the Demon Octopus Dog.

According to Sork, the cryptid in question looks like “some sort of small hound, but possessed of 4 octopus tentacles”. Sightings by as many as 27 people say that the creature seems benign and intelligent, but that it is very fast and can vanish from sight within seconds. 5 people swear that they heard it speak in American English.

Sightings of the Demon Octopus Dog started in 1968 and continue to today. It has been sighted in 7 US states, 3 Canadian provinces and just outside London and Prague.


The Doclopedia #1,603

The Numbers: 615

615 is the maximum miles per hour that Regine Lauber reached with her Metal Flying Suit in 1975 outside of Paris, France. The French press covered her flight, mostly because it was a slow news day and the male journalists were sure she was a crackpot.

Their opinions changed when Regine buzzed the crowd 4 times, then flew up into the clouds and back, landing as lightly as a feather. She was then quoted as saying “Let me know when a man breaks me record”, before taking off again, this time to fly to Norway for lunch with her sister.



The Doclopedia #1,604

The Numbers: 70

Is the number of ninjas the Crime Boys sent after A Guy Named Joe and Big Harvey. This was in retaliation for Joe and Harvey not only stopping the Boy’s dad from setting up a syndicate in May City. But also for the fact that Joe sent their dad’s head back in a box.

The ninjas started attacking around 10:15 pm outside the Jumpin’ Jive Club. By the time the attack ended 20 minutes later, all 70 ninjas were dead and Joe and Harvey were on their way to pay the Crime Boys a little visit.



The Doclopedia #1,605

The Numbers: 16

The age at which Patty Sekowski lost her virginity to Danny Ordwell. It was also the age at which Patty manifested her super abilities when the combination of fear and pleasure hit a peak. The immediate reaction was that she flew herself and Danny up to the ceiling of her bedroom. This scared them both, but to their credit, they didn’t panic.

Danny, an honest to goodness genius and really nice guy, helped Patty figure out what was going on and told her all about secret identities and stuff. Patty made a suit for herself and became a crime fighting superhero. She and Danny married after graduation and recently celebrated their 30th anniversary.



The Doclopedia #1,606

The Numbers: 65,000


Was the number of people (not counting staff and security) in the Diamond City Arena for a concert by the Exploding Heads on the night that bassist Frankie Bonello managed to hit and sustain the legendary “brown note”.

The “brown note” is a specific low frequency note that, if held long enough at a high enough volume will cause the listeners to lose control of their bowels.

It is estimated that 57,000 of the 65,000 attendees shit themselves that night. The stadium was closed for cleaning and disinfecting for 3 days. The EPA and the Center For Disease Control banned the playing of the “brown note”.

Training Your Dogs NOT To Rob Trains In The Past

…I failed at this

The Doclopedia #1,600

The Numbers: 28

Was the age of Li Fung Ma when he released the last surviving dragon from it’s 1,400 year imprisonment beneath a mountain in northeastern China. The very grateful dragon gifted Li with excellent health and a not so small fortune in gems and gold.

Then it left the mountain, saw what the communists and Chairman Mao had done to China and wiped out all of them and every trace they had existed.

Li Fung Ma later moved to California, married a Chinese American woman, had 4 children and operated a farm growing Asian vegetables.



The Doclopedia #1,601

The Numbers: 108

Is how many of the Giant Carnivorous Chickens that escaped from Bullings Laboratory are still running loose. The town of Dillard, Missouri, is still under quarantine until the remaining 500 pound chickens are located and killed, but locals swear at least 50 of them have gotten through the military cordon.

If you see an enormous chicken, get indoors or inside a large automobile as fast as possible. Do NOT shoot them, since that only pisses them off.

The Yellow Blouse Of Seduction

…and other stories of powerful apparel



The Doclopedia #1,346

The Numbers: 520

520 miles was how far the chase by police and the FBI went in pursuit of Jimmy Ray Waller, noted bank robber, cop killer and general psychopath. He started his spree in Huntsville, Alabama, where Jimmy robbed two banks in rapid succession. Leaving the second bank, he shot and killed two police officers. Within 10 minutes, the chase was on, mostly through local roads and state highways. Jimmy had an accomplice, his best friend Raymond Parker, who used Google maps and a constant stream from local and national news to stay ahead of their pursuers.

Toward the end, there were 24 cars, 5 helicopters and 2 planes following Jimmy. He had managed to shoot 6 more officers, 3 fatally. He had also caused 11 crashes. Most of the chase was watched live on television and the internet by tens of millions of people.

But not the last few minutes, which were blocked by “broadcasting problems”.

The truth is, on a very lonely road in <REDACTED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY>, Jimmy, Raymond and the car vanished into what is now believed to be a “weak point in time”. The government quietly closed off that road and moved everyone to a similar road about 2 miles away, where they staged a fiery car crash, complete with two badly burned corpses. Since neither Jimmy or Raymond had ever been to a dentist, identification was solely done by the drivers of the closest cars in pursuit.

Oddly, no conspiracy theory ever evolved about this event, because near the end of it a Kardashian died out in California and that completely got everybody’s attention.

Meanwhile, the remains on Jimmy, Raymond and the car lie at the bottom of a deep canyon in the middle of a desert 105 million years ago.

Junior Muskrat Buys A Snazzy New Hat

…with a feather in it

The Doclopedia #1,344

The Numbers: 42

Carol Miller was 42 when she was exposed to a strange gas that gave her the power to turn totally invisible. Nothing can detect her on any level, including sound, smell or weight. She can go anywhere she can find an open door or other form of entrance. Her clothing turns invisible with her.

Being a wife and a mother, Carol first used her powers to check up on her husband Phil (who proved to be totally loyal to her, but who does play air guitar to rock music when alone at home) and her 3 kids (who are now convinced that there can be no secrets from mom). She also picked up some juicy gossip from her neighbors.

After a month or so of that, however, Carol began to want to do more. In short order she exposed two corrupt town council members, gave police anonymous tips to several drug dealers, saved a few adults and kids from harm and rescued a bunch of lost animals. Since she is also possessed of a mischievous nature, she has also convinced a good number of folks that the old Gruber farm on the edge of town is haunted.

Thanks to some good “anonymous” investing advice, Carol & Phil are set up for an early retirement next year when they both turn 50. They plan on touring the country, during which time Carol will do some good things invisibly while Phil is off playing golf. Among their first stops will be Washington, DC. Carol has some big plans there.

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Scornful Titmice Chastised My Otter

…not that he really gave a fuck, because otter.

The Doclopedia #1,343

The Numbers: 15

15 years is the travel time, even using a Jump 7 Drive, to Yadoris 4, the outermost world of the Terran Empire. Few ships make the trip, which was initially done by the Independent Colony Ship “Maggie’s Mob”. The crew and settlers were mostly made up of disgruntled natives of Appillion 3 and Nelvas 5. lead by the infamous radical, Maggie Merks.

Since the colonists arrived on Yadoris 4, a total of 3 fully automated supply freighters have made the run there. No other humans or other species have wanted to make the trip. It is reported that the colony is now living in three megadomes (domes more than 5, but less than 10 miles across) and doing quite well. The domes are located close to each other on the northern continent, in the vast Plains of Arl.

The Terran Empire considers the colony to be “primarily self-sufficient” and “not a threat to internal stability”.

The Very Scary, But Delightfully Goofy, Story of Mostly Purple Patty And The Cat Who Thought He Was A Rabbit

…featuring Zelda, the very confused kitty

Holy Frijoles, it’s a brand new Doclopedia entry! (Note: Patreon backers get to see the next two early. Click the link below and you can, too.)

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The Doclopedia #1,342

The Numbers: 6

The walled town of G’Tain has been attacked 6 times in the last year by rampaging herds of monstrously deformed thraks, no doubt the creation of some mad wizard up in the nearby Saraset Mountains. The Sarasets are home to many such wizards and they tend to get up to no good regularly.

These thraks are quite unlike the average riding thrak, being half again as large, covered in lumpy calcifications and filled with rage at the mere sight of the town. Oddly, they never attack the surrounding farms or homes and keep to the roads until the reach the town walls. Then, they just seem to go insane.

Each attack has been by from 20 to 36 thraks and have been fought off within an hour or so by archers, spearmen and the town mages. Thankfully, these monster thraks dissolve into nothingness upon death.

The G’Tain town council is now assembling a group of adventurers to go into the mountains and deal with whichever wizard is responsible for this.


CritterCon 10 Is Coming!

Just a heads up to y’all to let you know that the annual trip/con report for the totally fictional, yet still great fun, CritterCon 10, will be hitting this blog in August. Stay tuned for all the fun!