Red Red Whine

…Shut up, you communists! It’s over, damn it!

The Doclopedia #1,052

The Toolbox: Anti-Vibration Clamps

These handy clamps come in many sizes and will neutralize all vibrations on anything the clamp. This is accomplished by using voodoo physics.

Anti-Vibration Clamps are often used inside giant robots, starships, time cannons, airships and buildings that house sex addicts.




The Doclopedia #1,053

The Toolbox: Screwdriver Deluxe

Yes, you may know this screwdriver by another name thanks to a popular British television show, but the real deal does so much more.

Need a device to reprogram a gene based computer? You’ve got it!

Can’t shut off a mind melting cybersong? Use the Screwdriver Deluxe!

Want to seal an Ancient Evil away forever? There’s a setting for that!

Want to open a cold beer? No problem!

Best of all, each Screwdriver Deluxe is programmed at the factory to respond only to the person who owns it. All others will be transmogrified into a Dornubian Phlegm Weasel!


Why I Had To Apologize To The Vampires Of Paris

…I was singing “Werewolves of London”


The Doclopedia #1,050

The Toolbox: Left Handed Screw Polarizer

Thank you for purchasing a Yuland-Weytani Left Handed Screw Polarizer. This precision instrument, used properly, should give you years of faithful service.

How To Operate A Left Handed Screw Polarizer

1: Activate the the SmartTool OS by pressing the blue tab three times and the red tab twice.

2: Open the hopper lid on top of the device and insert left handed screws to the line that says “Full”.

3: Close the lid and press the green button twice.

4: Polarization will take less than 30 seconds in most cases. Very large screws might take a full minute.

5: When the Polarizer says “Job Finished”, you may remove the screws by opening the small “Screw Removal” door.

Remember to always keep your Yuland-Weytani Left Handed Screw Polarizer in the included case when not in use.




The Doclopedia #1,051

The Toolbox: Zilg Oil

Sweet Jesus on a cracker, do I ever hate oiling Zilgs! Bad enough the blubbery sons of bitches took over Earth, now we gotta rub oil on them to protect their friggin’ skin from stuff in our atmosphere. It’s a disgusting job.

And that oil? It’s made out of freakin’ rotten food and the fat of Zilgs who failed their Vook Test, whatever the hell that is. The oils is just terrible to touch and it stinks to high heaven. Christ, I haven’t had sex with anybody but other Zilg Oilers for years.

But you know what? I heard that the reason the Zilgs had to pull out of Central Asia was because somebody in the Underground found out that if you added certain things to Zilg Oil, it would kill ’em in a week or so. Man, I hope we get that formula soon.”

Handsome Joe Goes To The Movies

…to see “Iron Hound 3”

The Doclopedia #1,048

The Toolbox: Duck Tape

So you’ve got a busted wing or maybe some frayed webbing on your foot. My friend, you need all new, 100% organic Duck Tape! It has a thousand uses around the nest! Use Duck Tape to reinforce your bill after a long summer of dabbling! Got some ratty looking feathers after a molt? Use Duck Tape to remove them safely and without making a mess! Cracked eggshell? Duck Tape to the rescue!

Duck Tape is 100% organic and will safely biodegrade after a few weeks. Approved for use on ducklings and pets!

Duck tape is not available in stores, but you can order it now at the low price of $5.00 for a 100 foot roll! Order now and mention this commercial and get a second roll FREE!!! You just pay shipping and handling!

Duck Tape: A Duck’s Best Friend!



The Doclopedia #1,049

The Toolbox: Hot Hammer

So yeah, we call this the Hot Hammer because the head of it heats up to 2,500 degrees, which you need it to be so you can hammer in those goobtanium bolts when you’re putting the inner hull on a Confederation timeship. And brother, I’m talking about the 3,760,450 bolts in a Wells class timeship, not one of those two person jobs.

Yeah, you use it just like a regular hammer. Stick the bolt in the hole, hit it 4-5 times and you’re good to go.

The thing to remember it that even though the Hot Hammer only stays really hot while you hold it, it cools down quickly when you let it go. Sure, it’ll still be like, 125 degrees, but that’s a hell of alot better that 2,500!

Ok, so now you go do your Hot Hammer qualifying test and then we’ll get you working up on foredeck #2. See you in about an hour, buddy!”