Not In This Issue: Squid Mating Rituals, Ham And Ireland

…sorry about no ham

 

The Doclopedia #1,191

Bad Swords: Rotseeker, The Sword That Infects

“That there sword, it calls out to you, don’t it? It wants somebody to pick it up and to use it. But that’s just the start of the curse, ya know? After you touch it and feel that cold steel warming to your touch, your time in Hell begins.

Now, the legend will tell you that it was originally enchanted and owned by Father Hendrik, the legendary slayer of undead things. Truth is, even the folks in the Church are not sure that’s true, but since Hendrik did use Rotseeker…yeah, that’s the name he gave it…to pretty damned great effect against the hordes of the undead, they let the legend stand as truth.

So old Hendrik, he takes up this sword at age 21…nobody knows where he actually got it…and he goes out and starts cutting through the First Rising like he’s a dragon and they’re kobolds. You know, they say that in one day, he finished off 300 creatures from the walking dead to a master vampire, then finished off with the destruction of a lich! A gods damned LICH!

See, that’s the power of Rotseeker. One hit, even a nick, and the undead start to just fall apart. That’s why you’ll find no intelligent undead anywhere near where the sword might be. Hendrik killed their lot for fifty years and by the time he was done, the corporeal dead were as scarce as hen’s teeth.

And that’s where the curse comes in. See, old Hendrik, now in his seventies, didn’t have much to do. Oh, he’d preach some, but with no undead around to actually fear, folks listened to him mostly out of courtesy. It must have really put a burr under his saddle, ya know? Then one day, he hears about an evil ghost that’s driving folks mad, so he goes and deals with it pretty quick. That sets him on the path that doomed him, ghost hunter.

A couple of years and several dozen evil ghosts later, he goes to this abandoned hamlet that he’s heard is just full of ghosts. Sure enough, it is and Hendrik just starts slaying them, no questions asked. Problem is, these ghosts weren’t evil. They were innocents slaughtered by some mad baron 200 years earlier. Hendrik should have been helping them cross over, but he was on a killing spree.

So he comes to the final ghost, see, and it’s the spirit of the town priest. Just before the sword gets him, the ghost, who you can figure is pretty well pissed off, curses Hendrik and the sword. For a thousand years, Hendrik’s soul will be trapped in Rotseeker, aware of his sins, but crazed to slay the undead.

Meanwhile, the poor overconfident bastard that seeks to follow in Hendrik’s footsteps will slowly become infected with undeath from using. Takes years, maybe decades, for the effects to really show, but once they do, the cursed person changes into a ghoul, compelled to feed on dead flesh. The sword lays where the drop it, which is always on sacred ground. Then somebody finds it and the process repeats.

Or it did repeat, until Friar Albertus figured things out 30 years ago. Now, after 375 years of cursing, the sword is right there, in that heavily blessed case in this cathedral. You and I are as close as anyone can get without being blasted by holy enchantments, high level magic and maybe a dozen traps set by a dozen master thieves. You cross that there line on the floor and your dead before you know it.

Will anybody ever pick it up again? Hell, your guess is as good as mine. That curse will be active for another 595 years! A lot can happen in that amount of time and sooner or later, the intelligent undead are going to hear that Rotseeker is locked away. What do you want to bet that if things get really dark, some cleric figures out a way to take it up?”

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What Fresh Hail Is This?

…well, that’s how it sounds in the South.

 

The Doclopedia #1,080

Golden States: Deadifornia

The year was 1850 and a group of miners had found a rich vein of gold in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains. Then they busted through into an ancient cavern and released a strange dust that killed them all. About an hour later, the 7 miners rose up as undead and left the mine. The dust slowly drifted out of the mine and uphill, infecting more that 120 other miners. All of them rose up as the undead.

Now, some of these undead were brain eating zombies, some were flesh eating zombies and others were blood drinking vampires. Except for the brain eaters, each one created more of it’s kind. In just under 6 months, there were almost no humans left in California.

The united states government, with help from Mexico and several other countries, tried to destroy the undead. It only ended up increasing their ranks. Then, somebody noticed that the vampires, ghouls, zombies and other undead never left a certain area, which turned out to be the borders of California as we know it. There is no explanation for this.

In the current year of 1920, and starting in 1853, California is a closed off place. The borders are heavily patrolled 24/7. Thankfully, the undead do not enter oceans, lakes or large rivers, although they do seem to find ways to float across the latter on natural or man made rafts. Despite the sealing off of the area, gold greedy folks do slip in every year. None of them ever return.

The California undead are not very smart, but are quite cunning in a predatory way. They do not seem to decompose. All of them are active day and night. Much of the time they subsist on the blood, brains & flesh of feral cattle, horses, pigs & sheep. All dogs & cats left the state decades ago. The undead never seem to attack native creatures, even the huge Grizzly Bears that will kill undead on sight.

Cult Of The Drunken Chicken

…all hail tipsy poultry

 

Not much to report tonight, except that, in compiling these daily characters for eventual revision and possible publication, I discovered that I had miscounted, so today’s entry is #93, not #92. Just thought y’all would like to know:)

 

The Doclopedia #93

The Undead: Zombie X

As we all know, there have been 5 Zombie Risings, with the first occurring in 1957 and the most recent in 1998. It was during the last Rising that Zombie X was created. From what evidence has been gathered, it would appear that Zombie X was originally Jason Kesselman, of Council Bluffs, Iowa. His friends say that in the weeks just before the Rising, Jason was acting strangely and exhibiting more strength, stamina and agility than he ever had before. This would be in line with what is known to happen when the mysterious “X gene” is present in a human being.

 

Unfortunately, Jason was attacked, bitten, infected and killed by one or more zombies on the first day of the Rising. Perhaps due to his mutant metabolism, he Rose in a mere 2 hours, not the normal 6 to 12 hours. Although the Rising was fully contained and all normal zombies were destroyed, Zombie X was far too fast and strong to catch. He was also very smart, by zombie standards, having an intelligence just a bit below human normal. Still, he is a zombie and therefore needs to consume human flesh and brains on a regular basis.

 

Thankfully, his mutant state seems to have neutralized the infectious aspect of his zombie bite. Zombie X stands about 5’10” tall and has white hair. His eyes are bright green and he is far more muscular than the usual zombie. His body shows many wounds, but he is not rotting in the usual zombie manner.

Ok, So We Like Monkeys Again

…but only the nice monkeys

Concerning the recent elections…

To the Republicans: Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, LOSERS!

To the Democrats: Do not fuck this chance up!

To President Bush and his gang of thugs: Prepare to become somebodies bitch.

To the American People: You are, by and large, still dimwitted sheep, but you managed to do the right thing this time.

To Governor Boobengrabber of California: I sincerely hope you fuck up so we can put a recall election smackdown on your ass.

And now…

The Doclopedia #91

The Undead: Bob Anderson, Vegetarian Vampire

 

Bob is NOT a vegetarian. He does, however, have to feed on the blood of vegetarians. Vegan’s blood is the best, but the blood of regular vegetarians is ok. Nothing pisses Bob off as much as accidentally biting a “cheater” who sneaks meat when nobody is watching.

Bob became a vampire when he was bitten by an ex-girlfriend who ran a vegetarian restaurant in Half Moon Bay, California. Now, he hangs out at trendy veggie eateries in his home town of New York City. He particularly likes vegetarians who frequent Indian and Thai restaurants. Mmmmm…spicy.

Bob is a 34 year old white guy with light brown hair, brown eyes and a slender build. His day job is being a stockbroker. His favorite music is jazz. His favorite food is busty redheaded vegans.

The Doclopedia #92

The Undead: Hammy Hamster

When the late and not at all lamented Dr. Emil Von Gruber was doing his first experiments in raising the dead, back in 1809, he started out by experimenting on various small animals. He killed them via insertion into an all nitrogen atmosphere, them immediately tried his “Reanimation Bath”. In most cases, he failed, but his final experiment on small animals was a success. He reanimated a Russian dwarf hamster. Deliriously happy, the doctor moved on to cats & dogs and, eventually, humans.

That, as we all know, ended in fire and explosions and Von Gruber being burned alive along with all of his monstrous creations. Except for the hamster, who had escaped weeks earlier and run off into the woods.

For decades, the hamster made it’s way across western Europe, finally ending up in France in 1887. It was there that he was found by a little girl who put him in a cage and fed him very tasty seeds, nuts and berries. Life was good, so he did not try to escape. In 1890, the family moved to the United States, eventually settling in California wine country. In 1898, as the little girl became distracted by boys and such, she began to neglect caring for Hammy (which was his name now), so he escaped.

For the next 70 years, Hammy roamed across Northern California. Since his reanimation had given him not only a very high healing rate, but strength far beyond his size, predators were not much of a problem. Well, unless you were a wildlife biologist wondering what had eaten it’s way OUT of a fox or bobcat or coyote.

In 1968, Hammy was wandering through San Francisco when he was found by a stoned hippie named Axel. Axel thought the little guy was cute and cool, so he took him home and set him up in a nice big aquarium and feed him well. Hammy liked that and remained Axel’s pet for 30 years. Axel was stoned most of that time and it never occurred to him that Hammy had far outlived any regular hamster.

Eventually, Hammy got bored and escaped. You see, living nearly 200 years had also let him get a bit smarter that other hamsters. He wanted to get back to the great outdoors.

As of this writing, Hammy is down around Santa Cruz, living in the woods. He is 197 years old and just barely beginning to show some aging. He will probably not live more than another 80 years.