Junior Muskrat Gets All Confused

…after 2 beers down at the Dew Drop Inn

Here’s the final post for Things That Blow Up Real Good week. Next week, the theme is: Strongholds

 

The Doclopedia #56

Things That Blow Up Real Good: Jadrian Love Bombs

 

About 11 thousand years ago, the extremely violent warrior species known as the Jadrians conquered the 3 other sentient races on their planet, then conquered the other two inhabited planets in their solar system. For several centuries, they were content to expand their population and play overlord to the slave races. But once they invented warp drive capability, they sent out scout ships to a dozen more systems. Five of those ships never came back and six more reported that they had not found any planets that supported life. But ship #12…they found Earth.

While the Jadrian soldiers were out surveying the local humanoids, the support crew, made up of slave races and a few Jadrian scientists, was checking out the local flora and fauna. One species they found particularly interesting was the ape we call the bonobo. They were intrigued by the fact that these apes resolve most conflicts not by aggression, but by sexual contact. This really got the scientists thinking.

You see, nearly the whole scientist caste of Jadria were actually descended of Jadrians and the very closely related, yet smarter and more pacifist, Widrians. The initial cross breeding was thought to have just produced smarter (but smaller and weaker) Jadrians, but there was more to it than that. The scientists were not nearly so warlike as pureblood Jadrians , although they hid that fact from the warrior caste.

Anyway, these scientists started thinking about a culture based upon love and sex. They thought it was merely an interesting idea, a mental game to play. And so it was until just a few weeks before the survey ship was supposed to leave. It was then that one of the Sedibri (a warm blooded reptilian slave race) found that if you ate a certain type of local fungus, you would have mind expanding hallucinations. Being interested in this, one of the scientists tried some. But what only made the Sedibri have a nice hallucinogenic trip caused the scientists to experience a temporary, but enormous increase in his mental power.

Suddenly, and for about three hours, he was able to find the answers to all sorts of scientific problems. He wrote down a plan for a much more efficient warp drive, solved several problems in the field of physics and started building a teleporting device. Not to be left out, all of the other scientists partook of the mindblowing fungus. They advanced most of Jadrian science by at least 50 years before the effects wore off, but their biggest idea was the one they had been tossing around for weeks: How to create a society of love, peace and sex. The answer: Love Bombs.

The Jadrian Love Bomb is a mix of quantum physics, chemistry, genetic manipulation and psionic activity. When a Love Bomb bomb goes off, every sentient creature for 50 miles in every direction undergoes a change. That change is pretty much from what ever they were before to a peace loving horndog. Bomb goes off, everybody starts fucking. Wonderfully simple, really.

After testing the first bomb on the ships crew after the ship was on robo-pilot for home, the scientists (who also had stashed away about 150 pounds of the “smart fungus”) built 20 more bombs. When the ship landed back on Jadria Prime, they set them off, thus gaining control of the Imperial City and much of the land around it. Then, after initiating many other scientists to the smart fungus, they build thousands more bombs. In a few weeks, Jadria was one big horny love fest and was sending ships full of bombs to the rest of their home system.

Now, thousands of years later, the Jadrians have converted 22 other systems to their way of thinking. A fair chunk of space is chock full of what at least one species calls “Space Hippies”. At rate they are expanding, the Jadrians will get back to Earth around 2023, so you might want to stock up on condoms and lube.

The Book Of Marvelous Adventures For Daring And/Or Foolish Young People

…which would cover most of them.

 

The Doclopedia #55

Things That Blow Up Real Good: Geeberite Boom Discs

 

Until the Solar Alliance scoutship James T. Kirk landed on the planet Geeber 2, the native sentient race had fought their wars with fairly conventional early gunpowder era weapons. But after the Kirk left, they found something a couple of crew members had lost: a frisbee.

At first, the Geebers just had fun throwing it around, but the warlike race soon started thinking that the flying disc might have other applications. They carved a few dozen out of light wood and began to experiment with them. At first, they tried attaching blades, but that threw off the balance. Then they tried lighting them on fire, but throwing a flaming disc is hard anyway, but even harder when your body is covered in long silky hair.

Finally, the noted war scientist OoomOmmOmoo found a way to attach a disc of boom powder to the frisbee and make sure it would explode 20 seconds after having the fuse lit. Additionally, he invented a throwing device that could propel the disc much farther than anyone could by muscle power alone. When they exploded, the blast would send out burning pieces of wood that could easily ignite hair or boom powder.

In short order, the “Boom Discs” were tested during a raid upon the GaaDooBaLa clan. They caused much death and destruction and were declared a success. Later, the discs were made slightly larger and fitted to blast out iron shrapnel or chunks of white hot EeeEee rock, making them much more deadly.

Of course, other clans got the secret and soon the air above any battle was filled with flying discs of death. Eventually, after 50 years or so, some brainy Geeber figured out how to make rifles and pistols that fired razor sharp mini discs. Alliance observers have bets going as to when they’ll figure out how to make a disc delivery system for an atomic device.

Bionic Tongues

…you can have one for 2.25 million dollars

The Doclopedia #54

Things That Blow Up Real Good: Ixote Fruits

 

On the planet Velshan 4, in the area known as the Great Savoon Valley, you will find Ixote trees growing in vast numbers. The trees have a fairly columnar shape and grow to an average height of 100 feet tall. The side branches are seldom more than 6 feet long and are covered with small glossy green leaves. The trunk is a bronze color with thin smooth bark.

The tree grows quickly, attaining full height in about 30 years. After that, the tree spends another five years building up sugar reserves in tennis ball sized nodules on the roots. Once it has enough reserves built up, the tree blooms. The flowers come 1 or 2 to a branch and are tubular in shape. They range in color from very pale yellow on the lower branches to increasingly bright shades of yellow, orange and red as they go up the tree. The effect is quite beautiful and, coupled with the wonderful coconut/apple scent of the flowers, makes the tree a must see for visitors to Velshan.

Once the flowers have been pollinated by either Giant Red Bees or Sweemee Birds, fruits begin to develop. The fruits grow larger than a basketball and are prized for the thick pulpy flesh that lies just beneath the rock hard and thorny shell. Harvesting of the fruit is only done safely for about a 4 day period, just before the shell turns from grey to black. After that, the pulp inside begins to undergo a chemical change and produces gases that build up enormous pressure within the shell. After about a week, the fruit falls from the tree and upon hitting the ground, explodes with a loud boom and a shower of thorny shell fragments, the small amount or remaining pulp and small round seeds. Anything within 60 feet of the fruit is in danger of being hit by this shrapnel.

After the first fruit explodes, the shockwave causes more fruits to drop, which in turn cause even more to drop. An Ixote tree will usually drop all of it’s fruit in less than 10 minutes. It sounds like a raging cannon battle is being fought.

Once an Ixote tree has fruited, it will keep on fruiting every year for about a dozen years, then stop fruiting, drop all of it’s leaves and die off in less than a year.

The Rare & Beautiful Pole Dancing Lemurs Of Potawango Island

…the male lemurs love to watch them

The Doclopedia #53

Things That Blow Up Real Good: Ruduborian Heat Bombs

 

The first thing that the Sol Alliance team found out when they met the Ruduborians was that the centauroid amphibian race did not think like humans or most other races when it came to science and the laws of physics. In fact, just listening to them explain why you could, in fact, build a bicycle that could go faster than the speed of light, drove 4 Nobel prize nominated physicists insane on the spot.

The second thing the S.A. team learned was that the Ruduborians used their skewed view of the universe to actually build things that should not be possible. Case in point, Ruduborian Heat Bombs.

Using nothing but a small cylinder filled with sand, a few circuits that gave engineers nosebleeds and headaches to look at, the local equivalent of a pint of horse piss, a glass and copper shell and a clockwork timer, the Ruduborians build bombs that produce very intense heat, but no light, no concussion, no flame, no by products (even on the subatomic level)…nothing but 1,100 degrees of heat over a 100 foot radius.

Apparently, the Ruduborians used these bombs to defeat a chickenlike race that shares their planet and is now confined to a few small islands. When asked how the bombs (which are about the size of a 50 gallon trash can) could possibly work, they eagerly explained.

Three more of the team went insane hearing the explanation. Five hours later, the S.A. Team left the planet, which is now under a Class 9 quarantine.

Don’t Make Me Stop This Reality And Come Back There, You Kids!

…do you think I’m kidding?

 

The Doclopedia #52

Things That Blow Up Real Good: Halfling Fireball Eggs

 

There have been very few halfling wizards over the last couple of millenia, but there is one whose name will forever be remembered: Poldo Farmer. Born the 3rd child and second son of old Nodwell “Noddy” Farmer, it was apparent from early on that he was “tetched by the magic”. The most obvious example of this was when, at age 6, he got a case of the hiccups at the Summer Festival and, each time he hiccuped, caused a small rain of rose petals to shower down around him. This was a much better received event than the one that occurred when he was 10 and accidentally turned half of farmer Diggns’ apple crop into blueberry muffins. At that point, his parents had no choice but to apprentice him to the human wizard Drindor the Blue.

After about a decade and a half of apprenticeship, Poldo returned home and set up shop as a “consulting wizard”. Most of what he did was related to agriculture or building construction, with the odd foray into curse removal or monster eradication. His life was comfortable and predictable for many years, until the ogres came.

The ogres had only recently learned how to work together at anything, least of all a fighting force, which is probably why they chose the peaceful halflings to attack. Unfortunately fot the ogres, they chose to start things off by first circling the halfling community, then spending a couple of days yelling scary threats.

Not having a standing militia or even a police force, the halflings went to Poldo for advice and some magical help. At first, Poldo just enchanted a few pitchforks and rakes for use as weapons, but then he got another idea. Gathering up three dozen fine laying hens, he cast an enchantment upon them. He then cast a second enchantment of several bags of grain and a third upon his old water pump.

The enchantment on the hens caused them to lay three eggs a day, triple what they normally would. The grain they were fed caused each egg to be enchanted with a “dormant” fireball spell. The enchantment on the pump made the water the catalyst that caused the eggs to explode once the shells were cracked.

On the day of the pre-announced attack, the ogres were pretty cocky and ready to shed blood. No sooner did they start advancing, however, than they were met by a hail of eggs which exploded into fireballs that took out anywhere from 2 to 4 ogres each. All told, the one sided battle took less than five minutes. About a third of the ogres survived to run far away and spread the story of the terrible halflings and their horrid eggs.

Poldo was hailed as a hero and the townsfolk erected a statue of him in the village green. A few months later, he refined his spell spell so as to insure that fireball eggs would always be available in times of need. Here’s how he did it…

1: He enchanted fifty hens and ten roosters of the red and yellow breed formerly known as Frog Hill Layers. These hens and all of their pure blooded offspring would become known as Poldo Firehens. They look quite distinctive and are raised by only a half dozen approved farmers. Their behavior and their eggs are quite ordinary, until the eat…

2: The grain from a one acre plot of land that Poldo enchanted. It doesn’t really matter what type of grain is planted there. In fact, the halflings only plant grain there every third year, in order to replenish the older grain that they keep stored safe and dry. Once the hens eat the grain, they start laying triple amounts of eggs that go boom when…

3: They are immersed in the water from any one of three enchanted pumps. These pumps are located a couple of miles apart, for safety during an attack. Of course, the last attack was nearly 200 years ago and 120 years after the ogre attack and was really just a couple dozen drunken orcs who were quickly dealt with.

The halflings have, on a few rare occasions, provided eggs for use in larger battles of good vs evil, but these have always been used by halfling egg hurlers who are specially trained.

The Adventure Of The Laughing Cheesemonger

…one of Sherlock Holmes’ strangest cases

 

The Doclopedia #51

Things That Blow Up Real Good: Woolongi Lizards

 

At around 16 inches long, chubby of form and colored brown & tan to look like a rock, the Woolongi Lizards fit right in with their Australian outback home. They eat a wide variety of insects and arachnids, with the odd mouse thrown in for good measure. They are, by and large, pretty inoffensive creatures when not disturbed.

However, when they are disturbed, they become extremely offensive. That’s because they “explode” in a burst of noxious bodily waste.

You see, the Woolongi Lizard has eight rectal openings instead of the usual one. There are two on each side, two on the back, one on the forehead and the usual one under the tail. Normally, only the rear one is used, but when threatened, the lizard can release from all of them. The excrement, held in a special sack, is very liquid and one of the 10 worst smelling substances on earth. Thanks to the lizards diet, it is also mildly toxic and caustic. Very few creatures will mess with a Woolongi Lizard twice.

The actual “explosion” is caused by stomach gases (hence the chubby form of the lizard) propelling the waste out at a considerable pressure to a distance of about a meter. The lizard precedes this release with a few seconds of croaking, thus giving predators a chance to get away and itself a chance to avoid releasing the waste. If the predator doesn’t get the hint, it’s shit storm time.

About the only successful predator of the Woolongi Lizard is the Striped Crow, which will swoop in fast, drop a small rock on the lizard, they fly off too quickly to get hit by the explosion. After 2 or 3 times, the lizard has exhausted his supply of waste and the crow moves in for the kill.

Wild Musk Oxen Destroyed My Herb Garden

…I chased them off with a flaming newspaper

 

The Doclopedia #50

Things That Blow Up Real Good: Canadian Time Bombs

 

On another Earth, in 1990, Canadian scientists working at a top secret lab found a way to make a bit of very rare crystal resonate in such a way that it altered the flow of time around it…for one sixteen thousandth of a second, which in physics is about two years.

Within days, the whole operation was moved to a top secret location and given a budget roughly five hundred times as large as they previously had. They also went from a staff of 7 to a staff of 129, so that in a mere 6 years, they had the crystals warping the flow of time for a full 3 seconds. They also found that anything entering the warp area would be moved ahead in time 5 minutes. The object would just disappear, then reappear in the exact same spot five minutes later, with no time seeming to have passed. The area of effect was a spherical space 4 inches out from the crystal.

Fast forward to the summer of 2005 and they had the area of effect up to 50 feet out and the time warping effect up to 30 minutes. It was then that the military had an idea: time bombs for use against the terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan. After much debate upon the wisdom of telling the rest of the world about this new bit of technology, they decided to go ahead with it.

The result was spectacular, but not in the way you might think. See, the time bombs were only used on the enemy a few times, generally in order to give U.N. Troops 30 extra minutes to set up a perfect capture or kill. Most of the time, the bombs were used as a way for troops to jump ahead in time and do things that needed to be done. As a result, the terrorists became very spooked, the military became more effective and in the end, huge numbers of terrorists ratted out their leaders rather than face whatever the hell powers the U.N. Was using. Things in that part of the world were far from perfect, but at least combat operations were over and worldwide terrorism was way down.

As you might expect, the bad guys (and more than a couple of the good guys) really wanted to get their hands on a few of those time bombs. Fortunately that never happened. What did happen is that the scientists kept working on the technology until they found a way to reverse the time warping effect, thus allowing time travel into the past. In fact, going backwards in time was even easier and more effective. The same bomb that could send you 30 minutes forward could be made to send you 6 hours backward. At one point, using a series of bombs, a team went back 48 hours and prevented a terrible fire that would have killed 105 people in a hospital.

After that, and with the supply of the original crystal dwindling, they went for broke and built one huge ass time bomb. The year was 2011 and the estimate was that the bomb would send them back at least 15 years. The idea was to go back and give their 1995 selves all the data they had accumulated up to 2011, thus advancing time bomb technology by a huge leap. They assembled a team of 24 people and 4 truckloads of equipment. Then they set off the bomb.

Which is why now, in the present year of 2012, the world has enjoyed well over 150 years of peace and prosperity under the shining example of Canada, which now stretches from the Guatemalan border in the south to the Arctic in the north and from sea to shining sea. Soon, Canada will celebrate her bicentennial by starting up the new Lunar colony and by giving England, Wales, Ireland & Scotland their independence.

Pretty good use of time, eh?

Tomorrow: Woolongi Lizards