Pieboy Climbs A Mountain

…we think he wanted to wrassle a bear

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The Doclopedia #1,904

State Secrets: Iowa – The Little Farmers

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For well over 125 years, folks out in northwestern Iowa have been finding small replica farms in out of the way places. These tiny farms measure about 25 feet on a side, usually have a small shelter of some sort next to a tiny fire pit, and the rest of the farm has long rows where something very small was being grown. For a very long time, most people who found these deserted farms wrote them off as something created by children, or maybe Native Americans. Nobody has ever found one with the crops in the ground.

The Special X Unit got interested in these tiny farms in 1959, when a group of 5 young boys, out for a hike in the fall, swear that they saw three tiny men loading “grass or something” into a tiny cart pulled by a squirrel. By the time SXU heard about this and got to the site, it had been trod upon by several head of cattle. Still, the agents were able to determine that this had indeed been a tiny farm operated by beings no more than 6 inches tall.

That realization caused the whole investigation to ramp up about 3 levels, because it seemed to tie into legends of the Tiny Folk, very small humanoids who have been glimpsed all over the planet, except Antarctica. SXU has been trying to get at least a photo of one since the 1930s.

Today, between 1 and 4 of these small farms are found in Iowa every fall. They are still never found in operation, always abandoned after harvesting whatever it is they grow. SXU believes that the Tiny Folk have some way of cloaking them. The search continues.

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The Doclopedia #1,905

State Secrets: Kansas – A Hole In The Ground

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This state secret is a simple one. There is a 5 foot wide, 6 foot deep, hole in the ground in Kansas. 90% of the time it’s found way out in the country, but it has popped up in towns and cities. When it appears, it lasts until someone or something falls into it. After about 5 minutes, the hole disappears leaving whatever fell into it on flat ground.

Now that’s strange enough, but the hole also changes whatever falls into it. One example would be Greg Homer, a pudgy 13 year old who rode his dirt bike into the hole and, when they got spit out, found that his bike was clean, looking great and about 24% faster. Greg himself had lost 15 pounds of fat and gained muscle mass.

Yvonne Larner, age 75 and recently diagnosed with cancer, fell into the hole and came out cured of it.

A 13 year old, arthritic Black Labrador retriever named Boots fell into the hole and emerged no more than 2 years old and arthritis free. He lived 17 more years.

The Hole has no fixed route or location. Satellite recon confirms that it may not appear in the state for up to 2 years at a stretch, or may pop up daily for a month. SXU scientists try to get to it, but even something as small as a grasshopper falling in will trigger it.

Note: That grasshopper emerged and was 8 inches long. SXU scientist studied it in the lab for 3 years, until it died.

The Five Things You Need To Watch Out For

…#3: axe murderers
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The Doclopedia #1,700

Tiny Folk Of Note: Komi Quickshears
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Most of the tiny folk get the fibers they use for clothing from animals like rabbits, squirrels, cats, dogs or even sheep, some prefer more exotic fur and hair for some purposes. That’s where Komi Quickshears comes in.

A native of San Diego, California, Komi lives in Balboa Park, home of the famous San Diego Zoo. He is the undisputed master of getting hair and fur off exotic animals. Komi knows the zoo like the back of his hand and goes there several nights a month to do his collecting.

Aided by his brother, Tombo Lifter, Komi sneaks into the enclosure housing the target animal and sneaks up to it. Then, with surprising speed and silence, he trims off enough fur to fill his order. With some fur, like that from a lion’s mane, he can fill 2 or 3 orders from one individual. For other sorts of fur, say, that from a smaller type of cat or a small monkey, he may have to shear 3 or 4 individuals.

Komi has had several close calls, including one harrowing chase by a mink, but he has always gotten away unharmed.
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The Doclopedia #1,701

Tiny Folk Of Note: Wodan Flyer

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In the forests of New Hampshire lives a very special member of the Tiny Folk, Wodan Fryer, Captain of the Nightcloud, the only Tiny Folk Airship in North America.

Captain Flyer stands 6.25 inches tall and has long gray hair and a bushy beard. He is quite physically fit and active, rather amazing since he is near 60 years old. He is sometimes gruff with his crew of 5, but they love and respect him.

The Nightcloud was built for Wodan 40 years ago by his human friend, Miles Maxwell. The gasbag balloon section of the ship is 8 feet long and 6 feet around at the center. The two level gondola is 6 feet long and 2.5 feet wide. It can seat up to 24 passengers. The ship is propelled by either the wind or wind up propellers. When powered by just propellers, the Nightcloud has an average speed of 3 miles per hour.

As the name implies, the ship travels only at night, to avoid being seen by humans. Fortunately, Tiny Folk have exceptional night vision. Although destinations vary by the week, most trips take between 5 and 8 hours. A couple of times per year, Captain Flyer undertakes longer flights, some lasting 3 or 4 days. His longest trip to date took the ship 155 miles, into the woods of Maine.

How To Talk To Your Cat About Drugs

…don’t bother, because cats don’t need drugs

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,076

Tiny Folk: Khara Sandflyer

In the desert southwest of the United States, where Little Folk enclaves are mostly found in or near human settlements, there are a few hearty tribes that prefer to live out in the arid regions. One of these is the Five Lizards Tribe and they are the home tribe of Khara Sandflyer, one of the most daring of all Little Folk.

Always an adventurous child possessed of a creative mind, Khara cobbled together an old human child’s toy, a piece of cloth, some twine and a few old tongue depressors into what she calls a sandflyer. The result looks like a surfboard with four big wheels, a sail and bunch of ropes. With a decent breeze, the sandflyer can reach speeds of 15 miles an hour, which most Tiny Folk think is an insane speed for such an obvious deathtrap. With a good desert wind, Khara can hit 40 miles an hour. Most of her tribe think she is suicidal.

Khara loves racing across the desert on her sandflyer and has recently started doing tricks with it, such as jumps, spins and even grinds along rocks. Of course, she often gets so caught up in her exploits that she ends up many miles from home. Fortunately, she has excellent survival skills. Recently, she has been thinking of heading west on her sandflyer. She’d like to see the ocean.

Khara is 19 years old and is short for a Tiny Person, standing only 5 inches tall. She has brown hair, very tanned skin and is quite thin. Her mother despairs of Khara ever finding a husband.

The Deal With The Turks Went Better Than Expected

…nobody got shot and we all went out for drinks.

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,075

Tiny Folk: Livanto Builder

In a long abandoned Underground station beneath London, the Queen’s Own Nation of the Tiny Folk have built a huge (by their standards) town. Since the station measures more than 40 meters long by 22 meters wide by 10 meters high (not counting nearly 120 meters of tunnel that they haven’t built into yet) and is built from floor to ceiling in many spots, it can hold a couple thousand Tiny Folk.

The Head of Construction in this marvelous underground world is Livanto Builder, a master of both the planning and execution of building projects. At any given time, upwards of 200 people work for him. On really big projects, like the Northside Greenhouse, he will employ a hundred more.

Livanto has been in charge of building housing blocks, schools, a hospital and the newly rebuilt lighting system. His crack staff includes Master Scroungers, Architects, assorted skilled craftsmen and even a couple of Tiny Folk/Human liaisons. These last have been very important in helping to get some of the more difficult building materials.

Recently, Livanto has been involved in talks with the Town Council about expanding out into the sealed off tunnels. He has plans for a park and a second hospital, along with newer and larger apartment blocks. He’s even got plans to install a big screen television for use as a movie theater.

Livanto is 50 years old and married. He has three sons, all of whom work in construction. In his spare time, Livanto likes watching American western movies and cricket matches.

The 33 Things You Probably Should Never Eat

…#8: Barium Biscuits

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,074

Tiny Folk: Sandri Dogfriend

All Tiny Folk can, to some degree, speak with animals. Not all animals, but usually mammals and birds. A few can speak very well to one or two species in particular. Very rarely, you’ll find one who can speak perfectly well with one species. Sandri Dogfriend is one of those rare people.

Born and raised in Los Angeles as part of the Venice Beach Clan, Sandri has been able to speak fluent Canine (yes, she can also converse with wolves, coyotes and foxes) since she was 3 years old. She is well known and loved among the Canine population of the Los Angeles area. She can often be seen (assuming you are allowed to see her) riding around on one dog or another, often many miles from Venice Beach.

Sandri helps the dogs stay out of trouble and the dogs not only protect any Tiny Folk they meet, but help bring the various Clans items they can use. If you are in L.A. and see a dog carrying a ball of twine or a toy or small bits of wood, they are probably headed for a Tiny Folk village.

Recently, Sandri has taken to traveling around with a Pitbull named Clarence and a couple of border terriers named Mazey and Lacey. They are helping the North Hollywood Clan build a new tunnel city in the hills nearby. Having a couple of terriers to do your excavation is a great thing. Having a Pitbull to stand guard is also very nice.

Sandri is 5.75 inches tall and 21 years old. She has red hair and blue eyes and often dresses in outfits sewn from cast off bandanas. She is not married, preferring to have a few boyfriends.

Eyeball Creatures Are In Your Closet

…DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,073

Tiny Folk: Duuvi Boater

In the Land of 1,000 Lakes, even the Tiny Folk get around by boat much of the time. The most skilled waterman of all is Duuvi Boater, a member of the Moose Hill Clan.

Duuvi and his siblings, children and friends have built nearly three dozen watercraft of various types, ranging from barges to canoes to sailboats. They haul both freight and passengers on the Four Round Lakes, the largest of which is nearly two miles across. The safety record of Duuvi’s operation is impressive, even in the treacherous late fall and early spring months.

You might think that the boating business would stop when the lakes freeze over in winter, but you’d be wrong. Duuvi and his eldest daughter, Jeji, figured out how to put metal runners on some of the sailboats and can now race them across the ice at great speed. This means that winter deliveries of goods are even faster than in the summer.

Duuvi stands 5.5 inches tall and has weathered brown skin. He is 55 years old and married to Luuza Baker. They have 5 children, all of whom are in the boating business.

The Book Of Misinformation

…all the bullshit in one place!

 

The Doclopedia #1,072

Tiny Folk: Gwilla Sharpaxe

In the area that humans call Death Valley, the Tiny Folk of the Red Hand Clan live a hard life. Besides the great heat and the scarcity of water, they must constantly battle scorpions, ants, snakes and other creatures that try to invade their tunnel homes.

The greatest warrior of the Red Hand Clan is Gwilla Sharpaxe. She stands a whopping 7 inches tall and wields a razor sharp axe made of stainless steel. Her armor is also made of stainless steel, as is her shield. This has earned her the nickname “Shining Death”.

Gwilla has killed more scorpions than anyone else in the clan and has the heads of five rattlesnakes mounted around her front door. Rumor has it that she even fought off a wild pig once. As you might imagine, Gwilla is given great respect by her clan.

Gwilla is 30 years old and married to Yanda Maker, the greatest inventor of Red Hand Clan history. They have two children.

Super Magic Girl Battles The Demons Of Doom

…it’s been awhile since I did fake anime

The Doclopedia #1,071

Tiny Folk: Optan Leaper

Even among the Tiny Folk, there are individuals who possess powers that most people don’t. The big difference is that the tiny super powered individuals don’t feel the need for costumes and secret identities.

One such person is Optan Leaper, a young fellow who can jump ten times farther than any other Tiny Person. Actually, with a running start, he can leap even greater distances. Optan uses his power to help not only his community, but other Tiny Folk and any animals in distress.

A member of the Deep Forest Clan, Optan gained his leaping abilities at an early age while leaping from tree to tree and rock to rock. He has been quite instrumental in helping his clan move up into the higher branches of the great redwoods that make up most of the forest. It’s a pretty good life up there, with far fewer predators than there are on the forest floor.

Optan is single and lives with his family and his faithful flying squirrel, Skwizz. Many a young lady from his clan has her eye on him, but he’s not ready to settle down yet.

A Wild Weekend In A Small Town

…that general store will never be the same

 

The Doclopedia #928

The Alphabet: R

R is for…Rindi Climber: Among the Tiny Folk of New York City, Rindi Climber is legendary for her skill and bravery. She is also widely thought of as being crazy as a loon. You see, Rindi likes to climb tall buildings using the minimum amount of equipment possible. There is hardly a tall building in the city that she hasn’t climbed at least once. Since few Tiny Folk ever live more than three stories above ground level, Rindi tends to be one of a kind.

On any given day, Rindi will be either climbing up a building or traveling to a building she means to climb. Her main source of transportation is her squirrel, Maks and her helpers at the actual site of the climb are her cousins Burlo Finder and Kiondi Looker. None of them climb with Rindi, although Maks will cheer her on from nearby trees until she is way above him. Once she starts climbing, Burlo and Kiondi take an elevator to the roof to await her.

Depending upon the building, a climb can take Rindi anywhere from five days to two weeks. She carries most of her supplies with her, but Burlo and Kiondi sometimes leave food caches at various points on really hard climbs.

Lately, Rindi has been hearing a lot of news about the really tall buildings in other places outside the USA. She’s thinking that she’s really like to climb that big building in Dubai some time. Kiondi is looking into flights there for her.

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The Doclopedia #929

The Alphabet: S

S is for…Spellcasting During Battle: If the various Earths where magic rules had a bestseller list, the book “Spellcasting During Battle” by Archmage Tolivorikus would be #1. Tolivorikus was one of the first battlemages and surely the most powerful of them all. He fought in wars and battles over a period of nearly 80 years, then retired to a peaceful life in the country, where he wrote the book.

Contained within the 350 pages of the book are chapters on why a mage would want to go right into battle in the first place…basic spell preparation…the usefulness of wands, ring staves and the like…what spells work best in what situations…enchanting armor & weapons and a very comprehensive list of spells. Everything is laid out in easy to understand terms and written with more than a bit of Tolivorikus’ wry humor. There are many illustrations, some in full color.

It is unknown how many copies of this book have been sold, but considering that one army alone, the Imperial Defenders of Walzaret, has 10,000 battlemages, each with a copy of it, the numbers must run very high.

It’s Like Kickboxing In A Rowboat

…doomed to end in disaster

Fuckin’ A, it was one rainy afternoon here in the Big Tomato! My drive home from work sucked.

I’m watching a new show, “Dogfight”, on the History Channel. It uses CGI to recreate famous aerial battles from WWI, WWII, Korea & Viet Nam. Pretty cool stuff.

The Doclopedia ##85

Tiny Folk: Captain Modan Wanderer

 

Captain Modan Wanderer, a member of the White Rock Clan, is also the most legendary explorer of all the High Mountain Clans. He has traveled many hundreds of miles in his career and his maps have proven invaluable to the Tiny Folk.

The Captain is a man in his mid 40’s with long brown hair, a large moustach and bright blue eyes. He is well built and ruggedly handsome. There are precious few women who would not welcome him into their homes…and their beds.

When he is on an expedition, the Captain is usually accompanied by his team of 6 associates, the Searchers. The whole team rides well trained ground squirrels and carry bows and swords. Expeditions often last for 3 months or more.

Attacked By Demonic Cake

…german chocolate, in fact

 

Today, we start Tiny Folk Week. These Tiny Folk are 6 inches high and most of them live in out of the way areas in the countryside. The rest live right under our noses in the big city.

 

The Doclopedia #84

Tiny Folk: Shumi Mouseherder

 

Shumi Mouseherder is a member of the Falling Leaf Clan. Her clan lives high in the mountains on the edge of a meadow. They have lived there for nearly 150 years.

Shumi is, as her name implies, a mouseherder. Tiny Folk mice are different from the mice we know. They are more than twice as large, have longer fur and are much calmer and slower moving. Shumi manages a herd of 20 mice with the help of her sister, Skomi, and her trusty watchchipmunk, Boncha.

Shumi is 16 years old and has white hair and green eyes. During the long days of tending her herd, she often thinks up stories, which she writes down at night. One day, perhaps, she will be known as Shumi Storyteller.