I’m Back

…and I hope I go another 6-7 years without needing to write that
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The Doclopedia #1,631

Odd Temporal Breakpoints: Earth 401-M

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The timelines of all universes have many possible breakpoints, but some have important breakpoints in the oddest, often most mundane situations. This is one of them.


When you get past about 250, the alternate Earths start getting stranger. By 400, you are well into the “fictional Earths”, those worlds where things we consider works of fiction exist. Sometimes that means something like Sherlock Holmes & company were real, but it can also extend to the whole world, as in the Marvel or DC Earths.

Earth 401-M has toons. Yes, just like in the Roger Rabbit movie, cartoon characters are real and interact with humans. This makes for a world with an admittedly funny high chaos factor. Still, humans have adapted to it and, indeed, would really hate living in a toon free world.

Now, you might think that this world would be jam packed with breakpoints, but the fact is, something about having millions of toons in the world makes spinning off new timelines all but impossible. And the ones that do get spun off no longer have toons in them. Temporal scientists have gon insane trying to explain this.

One of the very rare breakpoints can be found on January 11th, 1968. If Willard Walrus finds himself running late for work on a commercial for “Wally’s Waffle World”, he will attempt to get there fast on his son’s skateboard. At first, he’s doing okay, but then he hits Breakneck Hill and is soon rocketing along at about 70 mph. Halfway down the hill, he falls off the skateboard, causing it to shoot off through the air and eventually go through the passenger side windshield of a car driven by Mr. Bob Plumly. Bob loses control of the car and it hits a fire hydrant, breaking it off. Water shoots 30 feet into the air and then starts flooding the street.

The water is soon rushing down the street like a flooded river. When it hits the intersection of Hill and Main, it knocks Ophelia Opossum off of her delivery scooter, causing her to not deliver a quadruple espresso and 4 jelly donuts to Professor Argus Jinglesack of 99 Pickle Way.

Professor Jinglesack has been working for 3 days straight on his greatest invention, the “Toon Homewarp Opener”, a machine that will re-open a wormhole to the Tooniverse, from whence all toons came. The Professor wants toons and humans to be able to go freely between the two worlds.

However, deprived of much needed caffeine and sugar, the good Professor gets very sleepy, stumbles onto the control panel, and causes the Homewarp Opener to fire up. Unfortunately, it overloads and explodes, sending out a wave of quantum energy that transports every toon on Earth back to the Tooniverse. Earth 401-M has no more toons.

At least, not for 40 years, when a toon scientist build his own version of a Homewarp Opener.

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The Doclopedia #1,632

Odd Temporal Breakpoints: Earth 743-G

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The timelines of all universes have many possible breakpoints, but some have important breakpoints in the oddest, often most mundane situations. This is one of them.

Out in the 700s, it’s all about fantasy, magic, dragons and swords. These are the so called “D&D” universes. One of them has a very uncomplicated breakpoint that has enormous implications.

Deep under Dragon Mountain, there is an enormous dragon. Wundralax is 1,200 feet long, has a 2,000 foot wingspan, is 5,000 years old and has been asleep for the last 800 years. His treasure horde is enormous. Wundralax is also a very dangerous dragon because he has 7 different breath weapons and knows hundreds of spells. Waking him up would be the Gog-King of all bad ideas.

Which brings us to the 5 adventurers now climbing across the rope that has been magically stretched above the dragon all the way to a small treasure room where these 5 dungeon delvers hope to find the Eye of Yorris, a very powerful magic item.

The breakpoint here could not be simpler. If Storin Skullsplitter, Dwarven axemaster, does NOT fart, the odds of the party getting to the Eye, then teleporting back to the outside surface and getting away are about 95%.

If Storin does, against his will and despite a mightily clenched sphincter, rip off one of his notoriously loud and deadly farts, Wundralax will wake up gagging, blast the party with Draconic Hellfire, then go out into the world on a month long wave of destruction that will throw the whole planet into chaos.

That’s it. One fart could spin off a new timeline.

Hey, Creature! Leave Those Squids Alone!

…we don’t need no snot control!

 

The Doclopedia #1,038

Moms: Georgia Goatly

On ToonEarth 3, Georgia Goatly is married to Gus Goatly and the mother of three children, Gina, Greg & Gilbert. They live in a nice house on the outskirts on Konkville, where the whole family has many funny adventures.

As is common for cartoon families, Gus is the none too bright father and the kids are rambunctious little scamps who get into all sorts of trouble. Georgia is the hard working, no nonsense mom that usually pulls everybody’s fat out of the fire (or out from under the falling piano, as the case may be).

In her spare time, Georgia likes to read, drink a little wine and smack Gus in the face with a frying pan.

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The Doclopedia #1,039

Moms: The InterMom

On Earth 10, the powers that be upgrade the entire internet/world wide web every ten years. On the whole, these upgrades are greeted with cheers from computer users (which, on Earth 10, is like, everybody) and improves the whole internet experience.

This was not the case with upgrade 6 AKA The InterMom.

The whole idea was to not only make websurfing safer for kids, but to make the interface more friendly and “warm” for everyone. At first it seemed like they had hit the mark, but them the motherly interface became too motherly. A few examples are given below.

Why kids hate it: “No, sweetie, you can’t go there, that’s for people over 18. No, you can’t go there, either. NO! That site is just too naughty!

Why teenagers hate it: “In my day, we did not dress like that!” “Young man, you will NOT be sending that text!” “Why, that video doesn’t make any sense at all.

Why adults hate it: “You know, you might want to get some work done instead of watching cat videos.” “Do you really have enough extra money to buy that?” “Oh My God! That’s is perverted!

Why advertisers hate it: “Let’s just hide all these annoying ads for a bit, alright? You know, your cousin Ralphie makes very good money as a plumber and people LIKE his work.

Why everybody hates it: “Oh, that’s ok, just go ahead and ignore me. I’ll be fine. No, no, you go ahead and do your own thing. I’ll just sit here, alone.

The InterMom has been in effect since 2010. @020 cannot arrive soon enough for most people.

The Totally True, But Still Unbelievable, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Traveling Worm Circus

…co-starring her favorite Great Aunt, Hepzibah Cornwinkle

 

I know, I know…I’ve been slacking off on the last few Doclopedia posts. My only excuse is that first, my Sweet Angel of a wife, Grace got sick with a chest cold, then I got sick with either a bad attack of allergies or a bitch of a head cold. Grace is feeling somewhat better, but I’m what is commonly known as miserable. But I want the damned Doclopedia done for a while, so, sick as I am, I’m posting entries number 998 & 999. Entry #1,000 will go up in a couple of days, once I clear 647 square yards of mucus out of my head.

 

The Doclopedia #998

April Fools Day: …In An Enchanted Forest Genre: Humor, Fantasy

Oh, you think it’s funny, eh, dwarf? I go to lean up against a tree and it’s an illusion and I fall on my ass and you think it’s FUNNY? I didn’t hear you laughing when those vines pulled down your breeches, did I? Personally, I thought that was pretty hilarious. OK, so it was funnier when the wizard bent down to pick up that fake gem and that rabbit goosed him. Heh, heh…I din’t know the old boy could jump so high.

Well, anyway, I hope we get out of this damned forest with at least some shred of dignity. Curse those Forest Elves for setting all of this up anyway. Have I mentioned how I hate April Fools Day?”

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The Doclopedia #999

April Fools Day: …In The Tooniverse Genre: Humor, Cartoons

So yeah, you’d think that April first would just be crazy as hell in the Tooniverse, but here’s the deal: it’s the most boring day of the year! You’ve gotta figure, the cartoon folks are doing crazy stuff every day, so maybe they let us get wacky that one day and they just do normal stuff, which they do. They have barbecues, watch sports, do home improvement projects, attend concerts, watch their kids play…all of the stuff we do on the average weekend. Nary an anvil gets dropped on a head or a cat chases a mouse. I tell ya, it’s actually quite eerie.”