The Slightly Late, But Nevertheless Pretty Darned Thrilling, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Pork Chop Of Doom

…co-starring her younger brother, Half Blue Harvey

The Doclopedia #1,335

It’s A Trap!: In A Castle

I’m kicking the door open! Grindfal, get a spell ready. Rolf, follow me inside the room. Sirina, you fill anything that isn’t Rolf or I full of arrows. Sister Blueberry, a blessing might be nice.”

“Oh, Great Mother, bless our little group against the goblins we think lurk in that room.”

<sound of door being kicked open way too easily>

“SHIT! It’s trolls! Two of them! It was a trap!”

<sound of trolls hitting adventurers…adventurers hitting trolls…arrows being fired…magic missiles hitting…assorted cursing>

OW! Great Mother above, I’ve been hit by an arrow. Look out! Goblins to the right!”

“Heal yourself, then Brann, Sister! Eat Arrows of Flesh Rotting, goblin scum!”

<insert much louder sounds of fighting…cursing…screaming (mostly in goblin)…roaring>

“Quick, quick! Up the stairs! I’ll hold them off with a fireball!”

“I’ve got ye, Brann! Let’s get away while them trolls burn.”

“Blessed Mother, please heal my wounded leg, then allow your humble servant to smite those fucking goblins with a weakness of the bowels.”

<insert sounds of fireball exploding…much roaring and screaming…running up stairs>

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Please Don’t Feed The Zombies

…we have them on a strict diet of politicians

The Doclopedia #1,204

Alt. Roleplaying: Trollhunters International

The year is 1980 and a doomed archaeological mission has opened up an ancient prison that held the last of the trolls. Now, trolls have spread across the planet, causing all sorts of trouble.

Player characters are trollhunters who get paid a bounty on each troll they collect. Live trolls are worth much more than dead ones, so using various traps is important. Not getting killed and/or eaten by a troll is much more important.

Character creation uses a ten sided die for the seven characteristics and percentile dice for skills. Character types include Scientist, Big Game Hunter, Cryptid Expert and several more. You start with 1d20 X 1,000 dollars for equipment, then buy more as you earn more money.

24 types of troll are covered in the basic rules. These range from the 3 foot tall Tropical Cannibal Troll to the 12 foot tall Fire Troll to the 90 foot tall Northern Mountain Troll. As if that weren’t enough to keep you busy, there are also some trolls who can infect humans and other animals with a mutagenic virus.

Weinerdogs In The Haunted House

…it was hella scary!


The Doclopedia #954

Things You Should Not Do: Travel Back In Time

It seemed like a good idea at the time, you know. Just use Professor Manjitars time machine to go back and prevent the Great Plague of 1799, thus allowing my country to become the greatest power on Earth by the late 1880s. All we had to do was go back to about 1797 and vaccinate all of the villagers where the plague first occurred. Easy peasy, right?

Well, no. See, we didn’t realize that the first version of the plague was substantially different on the genetic level from the samples we had from 1804. Our vaccine not only didn’t stop it, it made it even more resistant to treatment in the mid-late 20th century, when it popped up again in Nigeria. It had also mutated to an airborne form with a survivability of up to 72 hours outside the human body.

The upshot was that we returned to 2056 to find a world of primitive tribes, cities with nearly a century of decay on them and no functioning technology above the bow and arrow.

So, if you are someone in the future reading this after humans have gotten civilized again, don’t even think about time traveling.”




The Doclopedia #955

Things You Should Not Do: Thaw A Monster Out Of The Ice

Really, how many movies were made about thawing something out of the ice only to have it go on a killing rampage? From Frankensteins Monster to The Thing to any number of Kaiju and Dinosaurs, it never friggin’ works out well for humanity.

So what the hell did those dumb bastards from the US Geological Survey do when they found a humanoid frozen in a glacier in Montana? Chip it free and take it to a lab to look at it, AFTER IT WAS PARTIALLY THAWED OUT!

They had it to just about 40 F when two things happened. First, one of the team said “Hey, that thing looks kinda like a Troll from D&D”. The second thing? It woke up about 5 minutes later and killed and ate the five team members, after which it nearly tripled in size!

Naturally, the facility was locked down and the cops were called and when the Troll broke through a wall, the cops shot the crap out of it. That really pissed it off and it it killed cops and civilians and destroyed property until some smart cop tosses a grenade at it and blows it into about a dozen pieces.

You know what happens to a piece of Troll that doesn’t get burned up by fire? It grows damned quickly into a complete Troll! Small, but still a troll. When the cops saw a dozen new trolls, all of whom were eating dead humans and growing larger, they called in the military.

After about three days, the military had managed to round up the now 36 trolls and contain them in a cold storage warehouse where they all got frozen again. Everybody was patting themselves on the backs when one scientist asked how such a creature could exist, since it violated so many laws of biology & physics. The answer, of course, was magic.

And then people and animals bitten or clawed, but not killed, by the Trolls began to mutate into magical beings or creatures. Since each creature was “leaking magical energy”, they caused more mutations in the living things around them. Shit was ON, my friend.

Now, five years later, magic has taken over all of the wild lands on Earth and about half of the developed lands. Cities tend to be magic free zones, but that won’t last more than another decade. After that, our planet becomes a gaming geeks wet dream. And it’s all because they just had to thaw out that damned troll.”

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