The Wildly Improbable, Yet Still Down To Earth, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Yellow Elephant

…featuring her good friend, Selma Pookinwinkel

The Doclopedia #950

Things You Should Not Do: Steal Vink Eggs

Despite the fact that the eggs of a Vink are delicious, nutritious and large, you take your life in your hands every time you rob a Vink nest. The female Vink can weigh up to 1,800 pounds and has terribly dangerous claws on all four feet. The beak is also razor sharp and if the Vink in question is a Crested or a Five Striped Vink, it will be able to spit highly acidic stomach fluids. Don’t think about running, because an adult Vink can hit 75 miles an hour and keep it up for half an hour.

Then there’s the problem of Nest Worms. These are actually a sort of caterpillar that live in Vink nests and eat Vink feces. The measure up to 10 inches long and have strong jaws that can deliver a painful and poisonous bite.

So, as we said, you should not steal Vink eggs.

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The Doclopedia #951

Things You Should Not Do: Go Into The Goblinwood

Air yew crazy inna head, laddie? Yew dunna just go a’walkin’ inta the Goblinwood! I dunna care how many ye be, it’s the bleedin’ GOBLINWOOD! If there be a million of ye, the Goblins’ll still outnoomber ye a’hunnert ta one! An’ even if yer wee magical trinkets give ye all sorts of protection agin’ tha Goblins, will they protect ye from tha Trolls, Ogres, Slimes an’ other beasts what’ll eat ye as soon as look at ye? Them swords may be sharp an’ ye might be good wi’ ’em, but ye’ll still end up dead or worse.

Oh, ye’ve got a Wizard an’ a Cleric ta go wit’ ye, have ye? Well then, that’ll make ye safe as houses, won’t it? Oh yeah, nuthin’ ta fear…until ten thousand screamin’ hellspawns come outta the ground ta drag yer fancy Wizard ta Hell an’ a Dark Stalker takes yer Cleric down wit’ one swipe o’ his cold clawed hand!

Ah, bugger the lot of ye! Go off inta the bleedin’ Goblinwood an’ if ye come back, ye can buy me a wee drink an’ tell me how wrong I was.

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