Harry, The Armadillo Who Traveled The World

…and he had the passport to prove it


The Doclopedia #962

Movies Not Of This Earth: Quiet Kill (Metro Goldberg Myer, 1998)

In 1995, neophyte director Bethany Collins became disgusted with all of the gun violence in movies and decided to make a very violent action film with not a single gunshot or explosion. The result was “Quiet Kill”, a movie that got heaped with both praise and condemnation. It also made a big heap of money, moving it to the #7 slot on the top ten moneymaking films list. Oh, yeah, it also won 4 Golden Globe, 5 Academy Awards and a basket full of other awards.

The movie opens with scenes of several men and women (all portrayed by top action movie stars) lovingly cleaning their favorite guns. As the narrator tells us who each one of them is, we see them suddenly collapse into unconsciousness.

When they wake up, they are all shackled to the wall of a warehouse, where a man in a mask tells them that they are in an abandoned industrial town in a very remote location. The town is surrounded by landmines of a particularly deadly nature, so escape is only possibly by airlift. He then tells them that in 5 minutes, they and 30 criminally insane killers will be released from the shackles and the object will be to kill everyone else and be the sole survivor. The winner will get top medical aid, if needed, and 100 million dollars.

The big catch is that there are no guns in the town and the whole place is wired with microphones. If any noise reaches a certain decibel level, a small nuclear device will be triggered, destroying the town and everything around it.

The masked man is airlifted out by a blimp and then the shackles open. There are many sorts of weapons scattered around the town and soon the killings are going on full tilt. The film runs two hours long and for 105 minutes of that there is no sound louder than a person speaking at normal levels. The killings are creative, bloody and graphic, all of which got a great deal of protest from various camps. The fact that the masked man called guns “the killing tool of choice for idiots” got the NRA bitching. Still, the film got great reviews for being innovative, well acted and well shot. People flocked to see it and it made money.

This film is available on Blu-ray and DVD from Thames.com.

It’s All Fun & Games Until You Cast The Wrong Spell

…and “Nuclear Flatulence” is ALWAYS the wrong spell!


The Doclopedia #932

The Alphabet: V

V is for…Violence Suppressor: From the New York Times, May 7th, 1886: Doctor Karellan has invented the Miracle of Our Age in his Violence Suppressor! His recent demonstrations in the Bronx and Manhattan have proven that his device is a godsend. When switched on, all violence within the area of effect, which our reporters determined was roughly three miles across, dropped within hours to nearly zero. Even the most deranged maniacs and hardened criminals became as docile as lambs. It is theorized that prolonged exposure to the vibrations produced by the device will even repair the minds of the insane.

This paper predicts that within the year, the good doctor will be installing these devices, which run on a slight amount of electricity, in cities across the nation and around the world. A new day has dawned and soon mankind will be free of the scourge of our violent urges!

From the New York Times, September 27th, 1898: Reports from the Army and Washington say that levels of violence and madness have dropped back down to pre-1886 levels in most areas of the nation. The number of dead and incarcerated will be tallied up soon, but is expected to number in the hundreds of thousands. Similar reports are coming in from around the world.

Shortly before his death from grievous wounds, Doctor Karellan stated that he had no idea or indication that heavy solar activity would shut down his Violence Suppressors, which had, up until two years ago, made this world such a better place.