…I hate when that happens!
WOOHOO! CatCon post AND Doclopedia entry in the same blog entry!
CatCon 4: Day 2, Part 2 We venture into the wilds of Alabama…Project Applesauce revealed!…Cornbread is eaten and sat upon…battling attractions for the WIN!
Now that I’m sitting in my comfy recliner, enjoying a cold beer and watching my dog (Lucy) chase imaginary squirrels in her sleep, I’ll reveal the facts about Project Applesauce.
It’s pretty simple, really: we decided that instead of cutting across the tiny portion of Alabama and the slightly larger portion of Mississippi that Interstate 10 runs through, we’d drive on up a ways into Alabama, then cut across both states until we hit Louisiana, then haul ass to New Orleans and I-10 again.
Naturally, we wanted to hit as many tourist attractions as possible, but the ever creative and slightly nutty Mary Jones and I had an ulterior motive beyond that of our traveling companions: empowered by our rousing rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody” for a a herd of cattle last year, we are determined to get all on board the bus to join us in performing “The Time Warp” for an unsuspecting herd of Southerners.
Flash: Oh yeah, nothing could go wrong with that.
Lucy: I predict a rapid getaway from angry rednecks.
Abby: How does Dad come up with these crazy ideas? And why does Mary help him?
Winker: Well, the technical reason is that they are both crazy.
Oddly, some in our group did not see the wonder, splendor and genius of our plan (which, I’ll point out, includes make up and costumes) when we announced it shortly after crossing into Alabama today. Still, we remain sure that they’ll come around.
So once we entered the “Heart of Dixie”, we began heading northeast along state routes and county roads, heading for the Montgomery area where we’ll turn west. Imagine our delight when we entered the town of Lottie and found it was right in the middle of the annual Cornbread Festival. Folks, there are food festivals all across this great nation of ours and I try to stop at every one I see, so when Gerry & Bill’s baby boy sees a whole town doing a tribute to one of the great foods of the South, he stops.
Flash: Dad and Food are old friends.
Winker: Plus, Dad will eat just about anything that is edible.
Abby: What’s wrong with that?
We ate cornbread of all sorts and flavors. We had it dripping with butter & honey, topped with jam, dipped in chocolate, filled with chunks of hot peppers and deep fried with gravy as a dipping sauce (Fun Fact: if it weren’t for deep frying and gravy, many southern folk would starve to death). I did my southern ancestors proud. Several of our party did their ancestors proud, too, including those whose ancestors were Canadian,
Abby: I love cornbread and apparently many southern children think feeding a goat on a leash chunks of it is great fun. Who am I to say otherwise?
Winker: Those same children also love tummy rubbing and petting chubby little one eyed Basset Hounds.
And just because you’ve got to do something screwy with your chosen festival food (I’m looking at you, Gilroy, CA and your garlic ice cream), the good people of Lottie baked up a humongous slab of cornbread that measures 18 feet across and is done to a hardness that allows you to sit on it, which we all did and we’ve got the pictures to prove it.
And lest you think otherwise, we hit the t-shirt/commemorative beer glass/bumper sticker booth hard. They also had doggie bandanas, which all of the critters are now wearing.
Lucy: We are looking very cute!
Flash: I look like an idiot.
Abby & Winker: Well…
Flash: SHUT IT!
Once we left the cornbread filled streets of Lottie behind, it was mostly pleasant driving through small country towns until we reached the tiny town of Old Texas, where we found that much sought after thing that roadside attraction aficionados lust after: dueling attractions.
If you recall from last year, we encountered the two “World’s Largest” toilet paper rolls, which was totally cool and ended in the destruction of both of them by the same nuttyass old guys who made them.
Follow up note on that: I got an email from the wife of one of the old guys and it seems that in their mad rush to see whose toilet paper roll really was the longest, they incurred littering citations in 146 counties in 7 states. Both were also held for psychiatric evaluation in their final stop, Tuscon, Arizona.
This year, the dueling attractions were…I shit you not…the World’s Largest Dinosaur Built Entirely Out Of Toothpicks. On one side of the road, you’ve got a twice life size Tyrannosaur. Across the way, you’ve got a humongous Brachiosaur. T-Rex is taller, the sauropod is longer and heavier. Both of them are pretty impressive and a glowing testament to what human beings can do when they have lots of free time, a assload of toothpicks and most likely plenty of corn liquor.
Flash: I wanted SO badly to sharpen my nails on those toothpicks!
Lucy: I was almost overcome by the urge to start attacking them.
Abby: You two are completely mental.
Winker: That’s why dad locked us in the bus.
We took pictures and bought all of the usual tchotchke subjects. Grace and Spike spoke with a local fellow who told them that the two fellows that built the dinosaurs were twin brothers. It took them 32 years to finish their monuments to prehistory, during which time they had many fistfights, yelling matches and the odd bit of small arms fire. By the time they were done, they were 77 years old and both of them died within 6 months.
And I thought my family was cracked. Well, ok, they are, but nobody has built a toothpick dinosaur. Yet.
Winker: And if someone does, my money is on Dad, maybe with help from Uncle Kelly.
After that little stop, we drove an uneventful drive to the South Montgomery KOA. Once there, we did the eating and relaxing thing. It is 11 PM now, everybody but me is asleep and as soon as this beer is done, I’m hitting the sack.
Music: Assorted Artists “Best of Doo Wop”
Destination Sign: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
The Doclopedia #594
WaRPed Characters: Missy Ng
18 year old Vietnamese American girl, 5’6′, 120 pounds, short black hair, brown eyes, glasses.
Missy lives in a heavily Vietnamese area of Los Angeles. Her parents are both lawyers and Missy, the youngest in her family, is expected to become either a doctor or a lawyer. Arguing about this is not allowed.
Sadly, Missy will be disappointing her parents, since she has a career as a City Explorer all planned out. You see, all Secret Cities link to at least a couple of other Secret Cities, but about 1 in 7 links take you through what are called “the Other Secret Cities”, places that are not found on our planet. Well, maybe not on our planet. Nobody is really sure.
Anyway, Missy was first taken into Secret L.A. By her Auntie Kay and her Uncle Vanh when she was only 4. They were salespeople who dealt in products the Secret City can’t make and they knew Missy was special. Missy loved the place and was soon going there on a regular basis with her aunt & uncle.
Missy has an exceptional sense of direction and memory for places. She has visited two of the Other Secret Cities and is eager to explore more. She has a small team of friends that will be helping her, once she graduates from high school.
In her spare time, Missy likes running, boxing, watching adventure movies and checking out cute guys.
Sense of Place (3 dice) Missy has many attributes that prevent her from ever getting lost. She can retrace her steps for several days, if need be. (never gets lost)
Tough (3 dice) Missy is young and very healthy. She has very good musculature and seldom get sick. (tanned, buff and fit)
Good Hearing (2 dice) Her hearing is very good and has saved her ass more than once. (often says “did you hear that?”)
Nearsighted (3 dice) Without her glasses or contacts, Missy has very blurry vision past about the end of her nose. (carries extra pair of glasses and contact lenses)