Not In This Issue: Skunks, Monks or Drunks

…however, we do have some punks

 

The Doclopedia #963

Weights & Measures: 15.75 Light Years Genre: Science Fiction

That is exactly how far away the earth-like planet Cormish 4 is from Earth. It is also exactly how far Doctor Fred Cormish and the crew of the “Krazy Katey” (named after his 6 year old granddaughter) teleported in order to explore the planet and the Cormish solar system. Despite the idea of teleporting an entire starship and a crew of 200 across that distance being poopooed by most scientists and politicians, the US military funded it and the whole thing went off without a hitch.

Cormish 4 was found to be one of two human habitable planets in the 12 planet system. It was the “warm one” and Cormish 5 was the “cool one”. Both had thriving ecosystems and sentient life forms at about the Bronze Age level. Contact with the sentients was not made on the first trip, but many samples of indigenous plant & animal life were collected using robots. Robots also collected copious mineral samples.

When the Krazy Katey returned on May 11, 2105…two years after it left…the worldwide news media covered little else. Dr. Cormish won the Nobel Prize in Physics and several of his crew also won major science prizes. After doing interviews for nearly a month straight, the Dr. and his crew spent the next two years analyzing their samples. After that, they spent another two years preparing for their second trip to Cormish 4.

As of today, three trips to the Cormish System have been made and a voyage to the newly discovered Molkar System is planned for next year.

It’s All Fun & Games Until You Rub The Magic Lamp

…so, be careful with that

 

The Doclopedia #960

Weights & Measures: 34.25 Pounds       Genre: Science Fiction, Humor

This was the combined weight of the five alien robots that came to Earth from Pollux 2 aboard a spacecraft that was roughly the size of a double decker bus. Once their ship had landed just outside of Kalamazoo, Michigan, they began building several sculptures out of found objects. These sculptures depicted humans doing all manner of sexual acts, from the mild & ordinary to the very kinky & possibly gravity defying. After about a week, the robots finished their artistic endeavor and allowed scientists to measure and study them for several hours. At 6:21 pm, they got back aboard their ship and took off.

The sculptures proved to be indestructible and are now a major tourist attraction.

.

.

.

The Doclopedia #961

Weights & Measures: 17 Meters             Genre: Science Fiction

This was roughly the length of the prehistoric saltwater crocodile that was released from an eons long slumber in a cavern in Northern Australia. Before he made his way into the ocean and headed towards India, he killed and ate 22 people, 9 dogs, 5 head of cattle and an unknown number of smaller crocs.

By the time the giant reptile reached India, he had grown to 20 meters long. Upon arriving on the southern Indian coast, he promptly ate 7 humans and a cow before swimming up a river. Over the next 15 days, the croc ate more humans and other creatures before a team of scientists lured him onto dry land and fed him sedative laced goats. Monitored constantly by veterinarians, he was transported to his new home in a huge enclosure near a seaside resort community.

The croc, now named Rex, is jointly owned by Australia and India and is probably the most studied animal in history. He seems to have finally stopped growing at 23 meters long.

Would You Care For A Feel Good Cookie?

…and maybe a glass of happy milk?

 

The Doclopedia #824

Weights & Measures: 8,471 Miles

Yes, folks, 8,471 miles is the length of the Mysterious Yellow Stripe thay appeared during the night in Canada, the United States & Mexico. This meandering strip of what appears to be paint of some sort, starts in Northern Alberta and makes it’s way about a third of the way into Mexico. The 6 foot wide stripe mostly, but not always, follows roads and bridges. As far as we have found, it is unbroken the entirity of it’s length.

Attempts to remove the stripe have been unsuccessful, since it will release a large electrical shock. The Armies of all three countries are investigating this strange phenomenon.

.

.

The Doclopedia #825

Weights & Measures: 1 Liter

This is how much poison Professor Von Lichter extracted from the poison glands of the prehistoric serpent that emerged from a mine shaft in Wales last month. Once the monster snake had been killed by the Army, the eminent German herpetologist was called in to examine it. He has since announced that is was of a species not seen on our world in 87 million years and was from the interior world of Kelludon. The Prime Minister has ordered that the mine be collapsed using explosives, so as to prevent other interior world creatures from reaching the surface.

In related news, Professor Clive Clonius has taken samples from the serpent for use in his “cellular regeneration” experiments.

.

.

The Doclopedia #826

Weights & Measures: 1 Cubic Foot

Is the size of the chunk of gold that Doc Tempest recieves every year from the Motombo tribe in Africa. This gold is taken from ancient mines and is given to Doc as thanks for his great grandfather warning the tribe about the Europeans who would soon come to rob and enslave them. Armed with that knowledge and modern weapons, the Motombo tribe rallied many other African peoples to resist the Europeans, which they did with great success.

The gold is used by the Tempest Foundation to fund many humanitarian projects.

Dog Rice: The Perfect Food?

…for dogs!

 

The Doclopedia #821

Weights & Measures: 56.75 Pounds

16.75 pounds is the weight of the dead alien that was pulled from a small spacecraft that crashed onto the field during Superbowl XXXIV. Given that tens of millions of people from around the world witnessed the event, which killed 5 players and injured 4 more, the US government did not try to cover it up. It turned out that despite his small size, the alien was very similar to a human being. Even more surprising was that when his DNA was analyzed, it was found to be exactly as compatible with human DNA as is the DNA of chimpanzees. This finding pretty much turned science on it’s ear, as did the discovery that the alien ship could go faster than the speed of light.

After much study, it was learned that the alien had come from a solar system much like our own, but 2,900 light years away. He was almost certainly a biologist and probably one of several scientists sent to study our planet. Efforts to send a message to his homeworld using the comm link from his ship are ongoing.

.

.

The Doclopedia #822

Weights & Measures: 1 Foot, 9 Inches

Yes, that was the size of the footprints old man Joon found up there in the hills. You see those two big boulders? Well, it was just behind them. The foot prints lead down to the pond over there, then went back up the way they came. Miss Park saw the creature as it was drinking from the pond. She says it was as tall as that small tree, which would make it nearly 8 feet tall. Yes, yes, very hairy, but otherwise quite human looking. She was not sure of the sex, but she thinks it was female. Oh yes, we have hair samples and I think we may have found a spot where it urinated. Yes, we will leave now that the others are ready to go. Let us hope that we can find the Korean Bigfoot, or at least find more evidence that it exists.”

.

.

The Doclopedia #823

Weights & Measures: .5 Ounces

Be it known, student of the Mystic Arts, that the 19 Stones of Yettark all weigh exactly half an ounce each and bi-colored. Know also that they will glow slightly when viewed by anyone possessing the Talent. Possession of one Stone will increase your ability to successfully cast spells, but the more you possess, the more powerful you and your spells become. It is said that the Grand Wizard Keelohondorak had seven of the stones on him when he was killed by the King of Demons. Of course, his Death Curse was so powerful that we now live in a Demon free world and the Stones teleported away once life left Keelohondorak’s body.

You may seek out all of the 19 Stones of Yettark, but do not seek out the 20th Stone, for that would cause the others to bind to it and then Magic would leave our world for 10,000 years.

Chapter 577: In Which Our Hero, Assisted By Ted The Basset Hound And A Halfwitted American, Breaks Into The Church Bank And Steals A Ton Of Gold

…the American was of little use, actually.

 

The Doclopedia #819

Weights & Measures: 1.25 Cups

This is the volume of the Great Protoplasmic Blob when it was initially created by Professor Kimbly on May 3rd, 1883, just 21 days before it destroyed London. At first, the GPB was kind of cute, in a blobby sort of way, but then it ate Griff and Ned, the lab assistants and added 345 pounds to it’s weight and greatly increased it’s size. After that, there was almost no stopping it.

How fortunate, then, that several members of the Royal Junior Science League figured out a way to stop the digestive processes of the GPB, thus causing it to burn off massive quantities of itself every time it moved. In the end, it was smaller than your pinky and was destroyed in a blast furnace.

.

.

The Doclopedia #820

Weights & Measures: 15 Meters

That was the height of the giant Orflortus, who came down from the high mountains to terrorize the villages in northern Ispedalia. He was a terrible being to behold and could not be reasoned with. He crushed houses and barns, ate livestock and tossed handfuls of humans into the River Hoza.

Eventually, the king sent 1,000 of his best troops to slay the giant. They were steely eyed veterans and armed to the teeth. They rode well trained war horses and had the finest weapons and armor. Sadly, Orflortus had summoned 100 of his giant friends and they wiped out 996 of the King’s One Thousand.

And that is why what used to be northern Ispedalia is now known as Giantland.