And Now, Three Zebras Chasing A Lion

…there may be baboons later

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The Doclopedia #1,820

Why I Did It…: Dropped Off The Package

Courtesy of Mark Ford

So yeah, buddy, I was paid to drop off that package. You’d have taken the job, too, for 300 bills. It was a pretty easy thing, ya know? I picked up the package from a warehouse down by the docks, then drove it over to Rocktown. Yeah, it took me three hours round trip. Would have taken me twice that during rush hour, but this was late at night. So I drop off the box…what?…yeah, it was a box. I dunno, maybe 18 inches on a side. Kind of heavy for it’s size. Warm, to, now that I think of it.

But, you know, I drop it off with the guy at the…doctor’s office, I think. Looked like that sort of place, anyway. Then I stop off at a burger joint to grab a burger and a malt, then I come back and meet Joey Fish at the Blue Room, then I’m heading home 300 bucks richer.

And that’s why I dropped off the package. My hand? Huh, never noticed that. Probably just a rash. Anyway, I’ll see you later.

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The Doclopedia #1,821

Why I Did It…: Shot the Sheriff

Courtesy of Sasha Jane Cross

You bet I shot that son of a bitch! He was a damned crook, a blackmailer and a murderer. He was in the hip pocket of Big Luke McKay, Sable Katy and that bastard at the bank, Elkins. If they needed dirt done to somebody, Sheriff Sam Buck was their boy.

Yesterday, when I saw him heading out to Widow Green’s farm, I knew he was going there to force her to sell the place. Once she sold, the rest of those sodbusters out in Long Valley would fold up and do the same. Then, when it’s announced that the railroad is gonna be coming through there, all those big landowners are going to get even richer.

So I met him about a mile from her place and told him he could either turn and ride west out of the territory or he could slap leather. Turns out, he was either braver or stupider than I thought. I’m, leaning toward stupid, because he missed me by a mile and I shot him clean through the chest.

So yeah, Mr. Babcock, I’d appreciate it if you and your boy would haul the body back to town. Here’s a five dollar gold piece for your trouble. You tell folks that I did it and I’m coming after McKay, Elkins and Sable Katy next. That ought to make those bastards lose some sleep.

The Valentine’s Day Romantic, But Also Slightly Spooky, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Gerbil Of Doom

…co-starring her cat, Yorick

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The Doclopedia #1,818

Why I Did It…: Bought An Old Schoolhouse

Courtesy of Sarah Lyon

Well, we bought it because it was cheap. I mean, come on, 25K for a three room schoolhouse on two acres? It was a steal. The main room was tall enough to put in the bedroom loft for another 3 grand, while converting the bathroom was 5 grand more. The tiny kitchen served us for another year before we knocked out part of a wall and modernized it. That was 10 grand.

We converted the old teacher’s cabin out back into a combination tool shed and chicken house. I think that cost about a hundred bucks. So really, we spent way less on everything than it would cost to buy a house closer to town.

Yes, We do live next to that old haunted cemetery, but we made sure that all of those ghosts know that we will protect their resting places. We’re buying that whole 4 acres of land next months for back taxes. I think that’s maybe 3 thousand or so.

The Doclopedia #1,819

Why I Did It…: Blinked

Courtesy of Avis Crane

I blinked because I needed to after several minutes of not blinking! We didn’t dare blink while those three angels were right there and we had our backs to the wall. That was the most scared I’ve ever been!

No, I don’t know where Mr. Smith was off to, but when he gets back, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind! “Don’t blink!” is not enough information when you’re facing creatures like that. Our eyes were getting dry as hell!

Anyway, after about three minutes, I remembered that yesterday, Doc, who is another real piece of work, but at least he has some equipment normal people can use, had asked me to hold onto that flasher doodad he sometimes uses. So I get it out and I tell Jill and Dana that when I use it, it should let me tell these things to do something and then we can escape.

So I flash the three of them and say “forget us, stare at each other”, and I’ll be damned if they didn’t do just that. Since they were looking at each other, they were still quantum locked and they couldn’t move.

We ran like hell until we were out of there and back here at this phone box. Now give me that bottle of eye drops and find me a big stick so I can crack Mr. Smith on the head when he finally gets back.

Ox In A Box, Dog In The Fog

…pig on a rig

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The Doclopedia #1,816

Why I Did It…: Kicked Out The Windshield

Courtesy of Alexia Holder

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? I was being pursued by three cars full of KGB agents and their hired gangsters, all heavily armed. We were moving at high speed on the twisty Pacific Coast Highway. There was, thankfully, very light traffic that day.

I got rid of the car immediately behind me using the laser guided missile, but since I only had one of those, I had to rely on driving skill and a few other upgrades to deal with them.

As we got into a less settled area, I was able to send the next car off the steep coastline with the last bullets from my rear machine guns. The third car was obviously driven by an experienced KGB agent, as it evaded both my oil slick and the explosive caltrops with ease. The gunfire from that car was constant and only the rear window shield kept them from hitting me.

When I heard on the radio that police were on their way, I knew I had to end things. Then I saw a helicopter approaching and that could only be more KGB. I quickly formulated a plan.

On one of the few lengthy straight stretches, I did a bootlegger reverse and fired my forward machine guns, shredding the tires and the radiator of the last car. As they few off the cliffside, I reversed my car back to the proper direction and hit the gas. I knew that a couple of miles ahead, there was a sharp bend it the road. The fact that this bend was at the top of a steep hill was a bonus to my plan.

As I neared the top of the hill, the helicopter was getting nearer. I activated both the smoke screen and the rocket boost 8 seconds before I flew off the cliff. I calculated that it would be about 12 seconds before I hit the water.

Sliding into the passenger seat, I fired the right rear flamethrower. That caused the car to begin turning to the left as it fell. Once it was turning, I , laid the seat back and began kicking the windshield. Although bulletproof, it had taken a couple of hits. This weakened it enough that on the third kick, two seconds before it hit the water rear first, I had kicked it free of the car.

After it hit the water, it was a simple enough act for me to spin around in the seat, grab the re-breather from the console and swim out of the sinking car. I stayed as deep as possible as I swam to shore. With police helicopters arriving, the KGB had just enough time to see that I must have went down with the car and they left.

I made my way to the highway and climbed aboard a pickup truck full of farm workers that was turning around due to the road being blocked. Once back near a phone, I called our office in Los Angeles and, well, you know all the rest.

And Q, a suggestion: perhaps a button to blow the front or rear window out, if needed? Three kicks made it a damned close run thing.

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The Doclopedia #1,817

Why I Did It…: Cut My Eyelashes Off

Courtesy of Dawn Beauford

I know why I did it, but you don’t. Heeheehee! No, you don’t know. I’ll tell you anyway. It was because of the Alien Eyelash Pixies! Hahahaha! They come at night, while you’re asleep and they eat your eyelashes. Then They grow really big and go kill people. I saw all that in my dreams.

I saw it in my dreams.

I saw it in my DREAMS!

I saw it all in my dreamy dream dreams!

La la la lalalalalala!

Heeheehee!

And Dr. Anderson? He’s a Tillybok! Tillyboks are spirits that try to make you go to Tillybokland, then never let you leave! They have green fingernails and their hair is on fire.

But they can’t get me, because I wrote the magic words on my head after I pulled out all of my hair. See? You can see the words!

I want to cut my pinky fingers off to keep the ratwolves from eating them, but they won’t let me because everyone here is a MONSTER! They put me in this straightjacket so they can dance around me in the moonlight!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Adventure Of The Royal Ptarmigan

…I just wanted to use “ptarmigan” in something

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The Doclopedia #1,806

Why I Did It…: Let The Mad Scientist In

Courtesy of Gerry Chriest

Do I regret it? What the hell do you think? Look around! There in the back yard? That’s a goddamn Kaiju footprint where my putting green used to be! My living room? Gutted, but you can still see the chemical burns and stains from…hell, I don’t even know what made those stains.

You do NOT want to go into the basement, which, by the way, I did not have before she showed up. It’s full of mutant spiders and moss that moves around and there may be human body parts. I’m having the whole basement filled with concrete on Tuesday. I’m not sure what I’ll do about the attic. Parts of that lab, WHERE SHE MADE A LIVING MAN OUT OF DEAD BODY PARTS, is still there. I don’t know, maybe I’ll just have the house torn down, sell the land, assuming it isn’t a toxic waste dump, and move.

Why did I let her in the house to begin with? Because she was a dog! I go to get my morning paper and there’s this sweet looking female basset hound sitting there looking at me with big sad eyes. Now, I like dogs, so I bring her inside to see if I can find out who she belongs to. No collar or tags. So I figure I’ll take her to the vet the next day and get her scanned for a chip.

Now, that first day, she was a really good dog. Wandered around the house, let me know when she needed to go out, slept a lot, didn’t bark, real affectionate, hell, she was damned near perfect. She curled up on the sofa just before I went off to bed and, I thought, slept there all night. Man, was I ever wrong.

So, next day, off to the vet and she’s got no chip. I figure I’ll keep her until somebody responds to the posters I put up. I start calling her Waddles and I take her to PetPlace and buy a collar, leash, food, the works. Then we head home and I see a big truck unloading crates of stuff onto my yard.

I tell them they must have the wrong house and they show me the paperwork. The address is mine, but the the person who ordered all this suff was a Dr. S. Barker, who had paid from an established account. Well, I go inside to call their boss and then the dog starts barking at the hall closet. I go to check it and next thing I know, I’m pushed inside it and the door locks. I beat the door and yell, but nothing. For the next two hours, I hear stuff being dragged around and some lady telling a bunch of somebodies where to put things.

After two ours, I hear the door unlock and I cautiously step out and my living room is a goddamn mad scientist lab. There are like, 12 robots of various sizes doing things and the dog…THE DOG…is wearing some sort of get up that gives her four mechanical arms like that Mr. Octopus super villain in the comics. Then she grabs me by the waist and holds me about 6 feet off the floor and starts telling me how she’s sorry for disrupting my life, but she needs a place to do her work until the heat dies down and my house at the end of a country road is perfect.

Then she slaps a collar on my neck and says if I try to tell anyone what’s going on (which I later did) I’ll get shocked unconscious (which I did). She says she’ll be there about 6 months and when she leaves, I’ll get a big bag of cash. Until then. I get the kitchen, dining room, my bedroom and the back bathroom. I’m also supposed to go to work and stuff just like always.

And that’s how it was for 6 months. I’d come home every day to some new strange and often dangerous shit. I mean, I could sleep at night, because she had soundproofed my bedroom, but then, in the morning I’d hear the buzzing or growls from some creature and chemical smells. It was a nightmare.

Then, six months to the day later, I get home from work and the collar just disintegrates into little pieces. I go inside the house and almost all of her stuff is gone. On the kitchen table is a note saying…

Ray,

Time for me to leave. Sorry about the mess. I left $120,000 in a bag on your bed. Thanks for everything.

Dr. S.

PS: Don’t go in the basement. Ever.

And that’s what happened to my house. Now help me pack up. I want to be out of here if that kaiju comes back.

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The Doclopedia #1,807

Why I Did It…: Caught The Car On Fire

Courtesy of Catherine Ford

Okay, Mom & Dad, I know this looks bad…well, okay, it is bad, but I can explain.

See, Kerry and Joanne and Pam and I were just going to drive over to the New Town Shopping Center in Rodney’s car. What? Of course I asked his permission to borrow it. Jeez, Mom, he’s my big brother. Anyway, he told us sometimes it runs rough, but to just let it warm up for a few minutes and it will be okay.

Well, we drive to the mall and do stuff and then watch that new Beach Party movie and then we ate and then we got in the car to go home. But I sort of got distracted and I didn’t let the car warm up and when we were halfway home, it died. I tried twice to start it, but it kept dying.

But then I remembered Dad and Uncle Hank getting an old car going by pouring a little gas into that thing on the engine. So we got the gas can out of the back and I took off the big air thing like I say Dad do and I poured some gas in the little holes and told Pam to try starting it and she tried and it almost started and so I started pouring more gas in and then it started and I jumped and spilled a bunch of gas all over and then it caught on fire and I dropped the can and we all ran back screaming.

There was fire all over the engine and stuff. We were crying and trying to get some water out of the ditch when Deputy Olin showed up and put it out, then put in a call to tell you what happened.

I am SO sorry. Rodney is going to just hate me and all the kids are going to laugh at me. I am such a dope.

The Outlaw Jersey Whales

…not starring Clint Eastwood
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The Doclopedia #1,804

Why I Did It…: Pitted Them Against An Illithid

Courtesy of Kevin Rice

Short answer? Because they hit 3rd level and got too damned cocky. A fighter, wizard, cleric and thief who had it a bit too easy coming up and started thinking they were hot shit and the DM couldn’t take them out.

So I waited until they were about 4 levels down in a dungeon, then I had the floor give way and they slid down a tunnel into the dark caverns a mile below. They were pissed off, but still cocky.

I hit ’em with a swarm of Intellect Devourers first, then had the Illithid attack in the middle of that battle. He blasted them all mentally and then charmed the fighter. Hahaha! The wizard, who was the only one not stunned, put the fighter to sleep. Then he roused the others and they fought like hell. The Illithid was winning when the fighter woke up and got in a couple of decent hits.

I had forgotten that the wizard had a Ring of Limited Wish, so he burned it out wishing the four of them back to the surface. I had them arrive okay, but without the backpacks they had removed before the fight. Oh man, were they ever pissed! They had to walk 50 miles to the nearest town with 3 fights along the way.

Anyway, they aren’t nearly so cocky now.

The Doclopedia #1,805

Why I Did It…: Said Yes

Courtesy of Kyle Miller

Look, buddy, it’s real simple: when the Shadow tells you to either do something or get shot by them two big pistols of his, you say “Yessir, Mister Shadow, I’ll get right on that”, and you hope you haven’t pissed yourself every time he laughed.

So he tells me to get in a car, a big black & silver job, and go drive past some place in Chinatown. So sure, I do it, and then I’ve got a carload of Chinese guys and a carload of mob guys both chasing me. I’m scared, but then the radio comes on and a voice is telling me when to turn and what streets to take and I’m driving balls out through the city.

It’s a big car and the gas tank is full, so I’m staying ahead of them. Bullets fly by every so often, but the car and the rear glass are bulletproof. Anyway, next thing you know, I’m out of town heading toward Yonkers. Then the voice tells me to turn down this road and hit the gas, which I do. After a couple of miles, I’m out in the countryside and I pass a guy hiding behind a tree. He waves as I pass and about a minute later, the road explodes under the two cars that were after me. No way did any of those guys survive.

Then the radio voice tells me to drive to some little podunk town and I do and there’s a guy there waiting for me in front of the only gas station. It’s two in the morning and I’m pretty sure we’re the only two people in awake in that town. He takes over driving and when we get back to the Bronx, he gives me a ring to wear and tells me I now work for the Shadow and they’ll be in touch soon. I walk up to my apartment and hit the sack, thinking I got really lucky that night. The next morning, I read about all hell breaking loose in Chinatown and I figure I’ll celebrate my luck by going out for a good breakfast. So here I am, eating my ham and eggs and telling you this because we’re wearing the same ring and I figure I’ll go straight because if I don’t, well, he’ll know.

It’s All Fun & Games Until You Have To Regenerate

…for like, the 8th time that year
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The Doclopedia #1,802

Why I Did It…: Got On The Plane

Courtesy of Ginie Murphy

Okay, I got on the plane to get away from your mother. Come on, Annie, you know she has a voice like a cheese grater and she sucks they joy out of entire houses, not just rooms. She bitches about EVERYTHING and nobody is good enough for her. Hell yes I jumped on a plane for Europe. I know your mother has a big fear of flying and the Atlantic Ocean is just about enough distance between her and I.

Sweetheart, I hear her ranting in the next room and I know you hate it. Look, your job is a dead end and your mom will make you crazy sooner or later. There’s a brand new backpack under your bed and it has a one way ticket to Paris in it. Tell your boss you’re quitting, sublet the apartment to Hani and Yuna and come on over. It’s not like we have kids or even a pet. We can do all that traveling we talked about, then head to California. I can work for my uncle while you find a job. Come on, baby, make the break.

Yeah, I hear her getting closer. Hang up now and I’ll see you soon.

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The Doclopedia #1,803

Why I Did It…: Admitted My Guilt

Courtesy of Spike Y Jones

Fellow Ethroons, I have admitted my guilt in the wanton destruction of the Grand Kaloon’s temple, but before you decide my fate, let me tell you why I did it.

Oh yes, I could have very easily let you continue blaming the Kaloon’s nephew for the crime. His bad feelings toward his uncle go back 30 cycles that we know of. It was the simplest thing to destroy the temple after one of their many public arguments, letting him take the blame. After all, he is a hot tempered winzar that indulges far too often in joog and ris. He has a long record with the High Guard. Even better, his mind is blank about the entire night in question.

But I did not do that. No, I admitted my guilt and told everyone here the details of the crime, right in front of the Grand Kaloon and the High Guard. But why, you ask? Why would a noble with my stature do such a terrible act?

It is because the Grand Kaloon is not as he seems! He is in fact, NOT a Kaloon at all, but a Durnoon! He is not a Chosen Leader, but a clever spy come to destroy our way of life! Strip he robes from him and press a hot quiln against his flesh!

There! See how his filthy shapeshifting powers fail him! Behold, a Durnoon of their upper classes. Yes, guards, take him away for questioning!