The Tibetan Book Of The Dad

…one of the lesser known works.

 

The Doclopedia #1,148

Magical Masks: The Last Mask You Will Ever Wear

Yes, students, we will indeed be ending this series of lectures with the legendary Death Mask, the last mask you will ever wear. Oh my, I do believe that we have broken the record for faintings. Do count them up, Kilby. I’d like to take the record away from old Gwervenhurst.

Now if you will all compose yourselves, I’ll go on. Yes, this is the real Death Mask, which has kindly agreed to be here today. We thank it for indulging us.

As you all know, the Death Mask seeks out Wizards who are about to die and steals their faces at the moment of death. Given that many of us die in ways that are very sudden and leave no body afterward, the Death Mask has to operate very quickly. Often, there are several Wizards dying at once, which makes the need for alacrity even more pressing. Such was the case 47 years ago when Wizard Sah Javonicus and his friends tried to perfect the Constant Fireball spell that created the crater that now holds Javonicus Lake on our south campus.

The Death Mask was created somewhere in the old Kingdom of Trahappa about 2,500 years ago. As with today, it’s sole purpose was to obtain the faces of every Wizard born, once they were done with them. What? Oh yes, Mr. Kwin, this does extend to those vile Wizards that ascend to lichdom, thus explaining why all of them are so skeletal and ugly.

Where these faces are kept is a mystery that, we are told by the ancient Book Of The End, will only be revealed to the Last Wizard just before all Magick leaves our world. It is rumored…and I stress, RUMORED…that these faces are still alive, though in a deathlike slumber. One wonders what they might have to tell that Last Wizard when finally he meets them.

How To Make Big Money Without Doing Hardly Any Work!

…just send for our informative booklet, only $15.00 each.

 

Part Eight

The energy ball sends sparks and miniature lightning bolts off all around the Hornet and she slows down by about 20 miles an hour. The other car is coming up fast when one of the counterspells I had put on her kicks in and fire engulfs us right before blasting backward and hitting hard. Our power increases and I’m trying not to skid off the road. A glance in the rear view mirror shows me the big car has stopped and four guys are jumping out. Just as we head around a turn, I notice that one is a tall thin Wizard.

Leems!” I growl it with such hate that Dak, who was turned looking over the seat at the flaming car, jumps.

Sorry, Dak, but that Wizard back there is a very powerful and very bad man.”

Dak nods. “I know he is. Every Elf around knows who Tanner Leems is. In San Francisco, he’s just as powerful as Mr. Hong. Maybe more powerful.”

I wasn’t sure Leems was as powerful as the “God Wizard of Chinatown”, but I knew he was just as dangerous and almost certainly crazier. Worse yet, he was the son of a Wizard, a rare and deadly thing. The children of Wizards who had the “talent” learned Magic a hell of a lot faster than other Wizards and it almost always drove them mad. If they were twisted little monsters like young Tanner Leems had been, they were just about the most dangerous thing around.

We hit a straight stretch and I floor it. Leems would have that car back on the road in a minute or two and I need some room to think.

So, I’ve got a Wizard on my ass and he knows my car has protection. If he has some way of contacting people ahead of me, this is going to be a short drive. We’re maybe three miles from a small town set around a big intersection. I need to keep heading north, but even if he doesn’t catch up to me, there will be plenty of folks who see us go screaming through town. Hell, it’s probable that he’ll get there while they’re still goggling in our direction.

I can turn west, but that’s an old farm road and it’s twisty and dangerous and one slow tractor will pretty much stop us. Going east won’t get us and closer to Mendocino and will take us back to the new highway, which I’m sure is thick with cops now. Shit!

Dak is back to watching our rear and he tells me he can see the other car and it’s coming up crazy fast. I get a look just before we have to take a turn in the road and yeah, that car is flying low. Looks like we’ve got a race on and I’ll be zooming though the town ahead with a Wizard right behind me. I slide around the turn and punch the gas. All the while, I’m thinking of what options Honey has for dealing with this situation.

I can see the town up ahead and Dak says they black car is maybe 100 yards behind us and coming up fast. I flip up a hidden panel and there are three switches. Just before we shoot through the stop sign and across that intersection, I flip the blue switch.

I’m lucky that nobody is anywhere near the intersection as we fly through it, all the while leaving three dozen shiny little items for Leems and his buddies to drive over. A few seconds later, the car hits the field of caltrops and all four tires blow out. Dak and I both watch because we’ve never seen what happens when four tires blow out at 90 miles an hour. We both find it impressive.

First, the car begins fishtailing, then it goes into a short slide sideways down the road, then it rolls over maybe fifteen times before sliding another hundred feet on it’s roof. Amazingly, it doesn’t hit any buildings or people. As we crest a hill, the last thing we see is a crowd gathering, but nobody getting out of the car.

“That was nuts!”, Dak yells. “The tires blew out and it was all over!”

I have to grin at his assessment. Leems may have had the Magical end of things covered, but he hadn’t thought of a little good old fashioned booby trapping. With any luck, the evil son of a bitch was dead now.

We put plenty of distance between us and the town. After another hour with no sign of a tail, I relax and start talking to Dak about Magic and Elves and things like that. He doesn’t know much more than I do about Magic, but it helps pass the time. Before we know it, another hour has passed and we’re getting pretty near the turnoff that will take us to my family’s old cabin just south of Mendocino.

As I drive along, I’m noticing that things outside don’t quite look right. Everything looks slightly out of focus. I go to mention this to Dak, but he’s slack jawed and staring off into space. Then I notice Honey is slowing down to a crawl. Then she stops.

There’s Magic at work, but I don’t seem too affected by it. Maybe moving a bit slower than normal, but my thoughts are clear.

I’m sitting in my stopped car, wondering what will happen next when I see the man step out from behind a redwood.

The 43 Things You Shouldn’t Sleep With

…#1: ex-wives

 

The Doclopedia #988

Poultry That Saved The Day: The Turkey Who Saved The Queen Genre: Humor

Good Queen Graciella was much beloved by her subjects in the kingdom of Artvisia. She was a young woman, but wise and just and caring, just as her mother had been during the 30 years of her reign. Even more importantly to this tale than the love of her subjects is the fact that Graciella was loved by all the animals she ever met, most importantly, a young hen turkey named Mona.

Now, Mona was not your ordinary turkey. She had been gifted to the Queen (who loved farm animals) from the Wizard Tordell, with whom the young queen had a romantic understanding. Mona was easily half again larger than a large tom turkey and many times smarter, which is not saying that much, really, since the average turkey has a brain the size of a pea. Still, she was pretty smart and the Queen had taught her a number of tricks.

Well, one day, an evil king from the land of Curkasa had his Wizard teleport a group of Forest Goblins into Graciella’s castle, so as to abduct her. Their attack was swift, leaving the Queen only enough time to tell Mona to run to Tordell’s tower and bring him to the castle. Mona took off to do this just as the goblins grabbed up the Queen and were teleported away.

It took Mona less that 15 minutes to reach the tower, where Tordell was pretty quick to understand that something bad was up. He followed Mona back to the castle, where he found out from the folks there what had happened. Within the hour, the full army of Artvisia, with Tordell in the lead, was on their way to the border with Curkasa. Unfortunately, once they got there, they found the border sealed by powerful magical forces. No human or horse could get through. A goblin informed them that the King demanded their surrender and that Artvisia become part of Curkasa or the Queen would die.

Thinking quickly, Tordell took Mona and snuck off out of view. There, he gave Mona a Potion of Rapid Movement, then placed another potion in a small pouch that he put around Mona’s neck. The turkey then took off at an astounding speed towards Castle Curkasa. The magical barrier, not having been built to keep out most animals, did not stop her. Within the hour, Mona was at the castle, but it took her another hour to sneak in and find Graciella, who gave her a big hug and then drank the potion, which was a Potion of Monstrous Rage.

What happened next involved the Queen becoming insanely angry, growing to 5 times her normal size and pretty much demolishing Castle Curkasa. When she caught the evil King, she threw him 500 feet into a group of fleeing goblins. It was not pretty. Meanwhile, Mona was racing around at roughly 90 miles an hour pecking and clawing anybody she saw. By the time the potions wore off the castle was in ruins and many bad people and goblins were dead.

Some weeks later, Queen Graciella married Wizard Tordell in a ceremony so beautiful, it was celebrated in songs and artwork for centuries. Her Maid of Honor was Lady Mona, the Turkey who saved the Queen.

The Secret War Between Refrigerators & Ovens

…it’s a very slow war, but full of vicious taunts

Still playing catch up on the Doclopedia posts. I think these two bring me current or maybe one ahead.

Winker is still hanging in there and mostly sleeping and mostly not eating on her own.

The Doclopedia #209

Lawmen: Deputy Mark Lindale

Deputy Lindale has been a sheriff’s deputy for 7 years, but he has been a mutant since puberty. He’s way faster, stronger and tougher than any normal human. As you might imagine, this has sometimes come in very handy on the job.

Even though he has been tempted to become a masked vigilante, Mark has resisted. He figures living one life is enough of a pain in the ass. Besides, masked vigilantes have a terrible benefits package and the job often ends in death.

Mark is 32 years old, single and ruggedly handsome. He doesn’t have any one steady girl, a fact his mother reminds him of frequently. His dad just gives him a thumbs up. When he’s not driving a police cruiser, Mark is riding his Triumph motorcycle through the Sierra Nevada mountains.

Mark has met exactly one other mutant in his life, the world famous serial killer Buddy Ray Cutter. Buddy Ray has the power to move at three times normal speed, which helped him elude the police and butcher people in record time. What it didn’t do is protect him from one of Mark’s punches. Now Buddy Ray is in prison…until he figures out how to escape. Mark knows this and has pretty much decided that if Buddy Ray does escape, he might have to go vigilante after all.

 

The Doclopedia #210

Lawmen: Chief Constable Wilfred Tilden

Wilf Tilden is the head cop in the small village of Bogsby. Located “a good two day’s walk from anywhere interesting”, Bogsby is the center for weirdness in Great Britain. Strange shit happens there with great regularity. Ghosts, aliens, strange animals, werewolves, mad scientists, monsters…sooner or later, they all visit Bogsby.

Fortunately for the locals, Wilf will have none of this supernatural carrying on disrupting things on his watch. With the aid of his 2 junior constables, Viv and Peter, he investigates things straightaway and sorts them out. In some cases, this can be as simple as helping an alien gas up their spacecraft with liquefied sheep dung. Other times, a foul creature from the nether regions must be captured or destroyed. All in a days work for C.C. Tilden.

When he first took this assignment, 20 years ago, Wilf would file reports to Scotland Yard, but after a few years, they asked him to stop. It seems they didn’t want to know what was going on if it involved anything paranormal. On the other hand, Wilf has struck up a very active email friendship with a U.S. FBI agent.

Wilfred Tilden is a man of average looks, standing 6′ 2″ tall and weighing 190 pounds. He has light brown hair, brown eyes and wears wireframe glasses. He is married and has 3 adult children and 2 grandchildren. In his spare time, he likes fishing and gardening.

It should be noted that Wilf, while not completely fearless, is very hard to scare. Additionally, after 20 years at this job, absolutely nothing surprises him anymore.

 

 

AFTER THE CHANGE CAME

A Day (Or Three?) For Wizards

I’m told that I’ve been gone since early in the morning on Tuesday, but it didn’t seem that long to me because I WAS IN WIZARD TIME! For those of you who have never been yanked out of your regular life and summoned to a Wizard’s home, time does not pass the same there. I would have sworn that no more than three hours passed.

Anyway, I had breakfast and a meeting with four Wizards who informed me that I’ll soon be joining a couple of other Speakers for a diplomatic mission in a location I’m not at liberty to disclose just yet. I argued with them, but arguing with Wizards is like pissing into the wind.

Shit! So much for taking a few weeks off. Well, at least the breakfast was good.

A Night For Overdoing Things

Oh man, am I ever hammered! Also, filled up with tasty barbecue and pie. Our Community Center had a big wingding today/tonight (that would be yesterday, actually, cos it’s after midnight) and Grace & I attended. Actually, the whole family attended because Roscoe & Lily were there, too. Oh, and our friend Avis was there, cos she came to visit us for the weekend. Avis is a Traveler, which is a pretty rare type of mutant who can go through a door in one place and step out a door anywhere else on earth. If there is a door there. And if she knows there is a door there.

Anyway, we all ate and drank (ok, Grace doesn’t drink alcohol and Avis had like, one beer and Lily doesn’t drink alcohol and Roscoe only really likes single malt scotch, which there was none of) and danced and sang and did all sorts of fun stuff. Mostly, I’m so hammered because out neighbors Dave and Shelly (who are Brewer Gnomes. Surprise!) brought a couple of kegs of Dave’s Bad Dragon Porter, which is just about strong enough to get a troll shitfaced.

It’s great to go to these community things…much better that it was back during the pre-Change times. Nobody talks politics or any of that shit and all the food is organic and everybody is ok with everybody else, pretty much.

Ok, I’m off to bed. Any spelling corrections were done by my Computer Guide, Sin. Did I ever tell you that Sin (short for Sindell) was my school roommate for 7 years? And a swell guy? And a drag queen starting about year 4? But straight…hoo boy, was he straight…and the chicks dug him! Boy laid more pipe than a plumbing contractor. Women dig a hot looking guy who could rock their world AND give ’em makeup and fashion tips. Oh, and his real name wasn’t Sindell, it was Ian. Great guy. Sucks that he died, but at least he’s alive in cyberspace.

Ok, really off to bed now. More bloggage sometime soon.