Ducks Causing Trouble, Geese On The Run

…it’s a waterfowl crime spree
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The Doclopedia #1,498

Stairway to: Lincoln

Of all the stairways I have found, this one is the most random. Why? Because there are dozens of town and cities with the name Lincoln.

There are over 40 Lincolns in the United states alone. You’ll find more in the U.K., Canada, New Zealand, Argentina and Australia. The stairway can take you to any one of them.

The stairway itself usually appears in a park. It appears to be made of U.S. Penny coins and it has 7 steps. Once you get to the top, you are in a place called Lincoln. The stairway will remain there until you decide to leave.
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The Doclopedia #1,499

Stairway to: Dinnerwhere

This stairway is always a favorite with stairway hunters. Simply put, it always takes you to the place you will most enjoy having dinner at that time. Feeling like seafood? It will take you to a great place. Steak? Asian? Southern? Barbecue? French? It doesn’t matter, you will go the the best place to eat what you want, wherever that may be on Earth.

Now, do be advised that while you will find that you have a reservation (where needed), you will not have any cash other that that of the place you left. You may also not speak the language of your destination. Fortunately, credit cards are accepted in most places and you may find your native language spoken by somebody.

This stairway is beautiful, being carved from a single large block of marble and having golden railings on both sides. As you go up the 10 steps, the smell of delicious cooking gets stronger.

The stairway will remain until you finish your meal. Once you return to the point of origin, the stairway disappears.

 

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We Come From The Land Of The Ice And Snow, You Betcha

…oh ya, Minnesota
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The Doclopedia #1,496

Stairway to: Lost Vegas


This spiral staircase appears only in casinos in Las Vegas, in whatever year is current. It’s a damned classy staircase, straight out of the heyday of Vegas, when the Rat Pack performed, the Mob ran the town and casinos weren’t “Family Destination Resorts”.

Going up the staircase takes you into the ground floor of a Las Vegas in the early 1960s. Could be any one of the big casinos. Regardless, a well dressed guy named “Archie” will give everyone in your party 100 bucks worth of chips and a ticket to the Sinatra show at 11:00 pm, which is always in about 3 hours.

So, what do you do in Lost Vegas? You do all the stuff everyone did. Gamble, drink, eat, see some shows and live it up. How long can you stay? As long as you want…IF you have money. The moment you go broke, you’ll see another spiral staircase that will take you back to the present.

But hey, go see Louis Prima and his band in the lounge before you go.

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The Doclopedia #1,497

Stairway to: Dreamland

Yes, this stairway does lead to the Land of Dreams, but you may not want to go there. It’s a chaotic and ever changing place, full of strange creatures and people. The various areas of Dreamland can be fun, interesting, mindblowing, sad and terrifying.

The stairway only appears to folks who get out of bed half asleep late at night because they hear music playing. The stairway is where their bedroom door should be, but for some reason that does not seem strange. As they start up, the first 10 steps seem fine, but then they start changing into steps of various materials from sand to moss to fur to ice, and many others.

After about 30 steps, they arrive in Dreamland. To describe an “average” visit is impossible, but we can give some information about the various areas you might encounter.

Surreal Island: If Salvador Dali had dropped 100 hits of acid after taking peyote, he would still not have had a vision as strange as the ones you’ll find here. Don’t try to figure out anything you see or here. Fortunately, getting off this island is easy: just step into the water and you’re off and heading someplace else.

Movieland: Walking into this area will plop you down in some movie that you have seen at some time. Things may seem sharply real here, but that can change in a second. Expect the movie to morph into another sort of dream entirely.

Erotic Village: This is the area of sexual dreams. They may or may not morph into other dreams.

Happytown: The dreams here are fun and goofy. They also don’t last long, but you’ll probably leave laughing your ass off.

Real World City: Have you ever had the dream of being late for school or work? Maybe the one where you are totally unprepared for something? Well, this is where those dreams happen.

Nightmare Forest: Yeah, nightmares here. Try not to go here.

You’ll be stuck in Dreamland until you either find a door out or you really need to go pee. At that point, you find yourself back in your room.

Golden Racer Joe

…more fake anime

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The Doclopedia #1,495

Stairway to: Toyland

This stairway always appears near a group of several old toys that you had as a kid. Most of them were your favorites. The door, which looks totally ordinary, has the words “This Way To Toyland” painted on the door in bright green.

The stairway has between 5 and 15 steps. At the top is another door, again, totally ordinary. Going through it puts you right on Main Street of Toyville, which is inhabited by humans and elves who make toys. They are all friendly and eager to show you the toys they make. Every sort of toy that has been on Earth is here.

Beyond Toyville is Toyburg, Toytown and Toy City. The first two are pretty much just like Toyville, but Toy City is the home of living, sapient toys. They are fascinated by visitors from Earth and will ask you all sorts of questions. They will also serve you cookies and milk. It’s a strange, but enormously fun, place.

After being in Toyland for a few hours, you will fall asleep and wake up in your bed at home with your favorite childhood toy sitting on your dining room/kitchen table.

 

The Fashionably Late, But Interesting And Cool, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Girl Who Talked To Fish

…featuring her new best friend, Oceana Perchly
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The Doclopedia #1,494

Stairway to: Asgard

This stairway moves around every few months, but you’ll always find it somewhere in the Scandinavian countries of Norway, Denmark and Sweden. The entrance is a door that is large (8’X4′), thick (3”) and very heavy. It’s made of a solid slab of pine and intricately carved with images of the Norse Gods and their adventures. Whatever doorway the door is hung in will be framed in a similar manner, although that doorway will change back to normal, including a reduction in size, once the stairway moves on.

Upon opening the door, one is presented with exactly 33 steps. Each step looks like a sword or ax blade. The top and sides of the stairway look like a soft white mist, but are thick and impenetrable. When a person reaches the top, the mists fade away and Asgard is revealed. It should also be mentioned that the stairway is gone, too, so there is no returning that way.

In less than a minute, Asgardian warriors arrive and announce that you must come with them. They are polite, but firm about this. Despite the city looking to be miles away, it takes but 10 minutes to walk there. The guards, who, like everyone else in Asgard, stand a good foot taller than a tall human, will chat with new arrivals, answering most questions honestly. They may also ask about news from Midgard, so be ready.

The city is impressive, but the great tree Yggdrasil rises above it. Once a traveler is inside the city, they are taken to meet Odin, who gives them two choices: Spend a day and a night there, then return home unable to tell anyone about their stay except somebody who has also been there, or stay for the rest of their lives. About 50% of travelers choose to stay.

After a day and night in the city, another stairway appears that leads to the exact location of the first door. When the traveler returns, they find that only 10 minutes have passed. The door disappears and moves on. Nobody has ever found the door a second time.

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Blue Petunia Waltz

…feel free to dance, y’all
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I missed a few days due to being sick, so here are THREE Doclopedia entries.

 

The Doclopedia #1,491

Is This Your…: Hot Sauce?

Sir! Sir! You forgot your hot sauce! It was on your table when I went to bus it. Oh, no problem. People leave stuff behind all the time. Dragon’s Piss, eh? I’ve never heard of that brand, but the label looks homemade, so no wonder. No, no reward is necessary. Like I said, this happens all the time. You have a good day.”

“Man, Jimmy, that was an old dude. I’ve gotta admit though, he had mad cosplay skills. That outfit looked better than the stuff from Lord of the Rings. So, anyway, you ready? I had enough time before I ran after him to put 5 drops on each cracker. On the count of three, we pop the whole thing in our mouths and chew 10 times before swallowing. First one to drink anything is a wuss and has to take out the garbage all week.”

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The Doclopedia #1,492

Is This Your…: Radio?

I’m asking, because we could hear it over in our yard and wondered what station was playing old time radio shows. We turned our radio on, but couldn’t find the station. Of course, your radio is way bigger than ours, so I guess it gets stations much farther. Is all that other stuff…okay.”

“Wow! That bit was pretty crazy. Some guys stuck in ancient Greece and there was a war going on? COOL! Will there be more of that show? I want to see if their guy at Mission Central send then the guns in time. Oh, okay, I need to go anyway. My dad is grilling burgers. Bye!”

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The Doclopedia #1,493

Is This Your…: Crossbow?

Well, is it, ya stumpy dwarven bastard? My men and I are tasked with making sure that nobody brings weapons into our fair town. The Duke doesn’t like them.

So, it IS yours! Well, you won’t be so fuckin’ cocky when these four lads are beating you senseless before we drag your short ass off to jail. Go ahead, reach for it. They’ll be on you before…”

<Insert sound of swords piercing flesh and three bodies falling>

“I give up! Spare me! I don’t know anything. How dis you guys get past the gates with weapons? Please, spare me. Don’t kill…”

<insert sound of a crossbow firing>

Silence Of The Yams

…but, they are always silent
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The Doclopedia #1,490

Is This Your…: Shoe?

It is? Okay. Yeah, I found it just back there by the old graveyard. At first, I thought maybe it was just some old shoe, ya know, because it looks like one of those old timey shoes and it’s dirty and stuff, but then I saw you with only one shoe.

I don’t mean to pry or anything, but are you an actor? I mean, your clothes look way out of style and you’re wearing makeup and, well, you look like you might be going to be in a horror movie or something. Or are you doing Vampire cosplay? Or a LARP? My former girlfriend was big on Vampire LARPing.

Dude, you look hungry. Would you like some of this cheesy garlic bread? I got way to much at Antonelli’s and I have them put extra garlic… Hey, why are you running off? Dude?

 

Chapter 329: In Which Our Hero Tickles A Wench And Makes Saucy Comments To A Nun

…the nun was not amused

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The Doclopedia #1,489

Is This Your…: Cat?

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I’m just asking because you have several cats, Mrs Fenster, so I thought you might have a new one. I mean, he comes over to my house every night and I feed him, but I used to do that with your one cat, Sonny. I liked Sonny.

Yeah, he is pretty, isn’t he? I’ve never seen an orange cat with black spots before. He’s got strange colored eyes, too. He’s a big guy. Must weigh 15 pounds or so. Funny, because he eats mostly fresh vegetables and only a little bit of tuna. He likes coffee, too.

Yeah, I know I look tired. I’ve been sleeping 8 or 9 hours, but I still wake up tired. It’s been going on maybe two weeks now, about the same time as I found this cat outside my door. I have these strange dreams about soldering wiring and gathering up electronic parts and chemicals. And welding, too, even though I don’t know how to weld. I’m lucky my job as a security guard lets me catch a nap or two during the day.

Noises from my garage at night? Huh. Couldn’t be me, I’ve been going to bed early. Maybe I left the radio on out there. Or maybe it’s the aliens from that UFO the cops say they saw a couple of weeks ago. Hahaha! Yeah, I think they were smoking weed, too.

Well, if this isn’t your cat, I’ll just hold onto him for a couple…or maybe 7…more days. Thanks anyway, Mrs Fenster.